[Trigger Warning: Rape, Violence]

Dr. Huang was looking at her with wide eyes. There was a silence between the two of them. It wasn't as heavy as the one she'd just described, but it was heavy indeed.

He was afraid of what the next part of her story was going to be. What she had just said, the fact that she had lost her job, the fact that she didn't care about anything anymore.

Dr. Huang had seen this kind of behavior many times before. Olivia Benson had seen this behavior before.

He was afraid of what she was going to say because he had a feeling he already knew what it was going to be.

He could only hope he was wrong.

Chapter 11: Uninvited

But you

You're not allowed

You're uninvited.

"Uninvited" - Alanis Morisette [Jagegd Little Pill]

I poured myself a glass of wine. Drained it, poured another one, drank half and then threw it against the wall with all my strength. Watching it shatter gave me satisfaction, the red liquid covered the walls and the floor.

I didn't care about the glass, didn't care about the mess, didn't care about any of it.

He was right.

I had become my mother who had ruined my life by being a narcissistic, abusive bitch.

And I had broken his heart.

Despite my intentions, despite my own misery Elliot was heartbroken and I had done this to him.

It was all my fault.

Just as I was about to give in to the pain and sob my heart out there was a knock on my door.

"Elliot." I whispered.

My head was spinning from the alcohol and I stumbled to the door.

Even if I'd never experienced it first hand I knew technically there was such a thing as forgiveness, as closure, as moving past certain things in a relationship.

Whatever we had it's gone. There's no way back.

If anyone could find a way back it would be me and Elliot.

I didn't check the peephole, I didn't ask who was there. I was emotionally drained, drunk and I just needed Elliot to show up at my door. I swung it open.

And there he was.

He looked different then before.

The handsomeness I had been thinking about just a few hours ago had hardened. His features were different somehow. The blue eyes cold.

"Olivia." Devon Collins was leaning against my open door-frame, leaning just a bit too far forward, into the apartment. "May I come in?"

"Eh.." I was shaking. This wasn't the man I wanted to be here. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. "Now isn't a good time."

"Oh." He feigned disappointment and then pushed himself into my apartment.

He slammed into me, pushing me down and then closed the door. I tried to scream, but the sound got stuck in my throat. My gun was on the counter, next to the wine bottle.

Out of reach.

I told him no when he finally got the upper hand and pinned me to the floor. His weight was crushing me.

I told him no when sweaty fingers fumbled with the buttons of my shirt.

I screamed no no no! when his skin touched mine and I realized this was truly happening. No one was going to save me.

I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!

My job.

Wait for him to come to the rescue.

I'd told this lie and now it was happening to me.

Somehow I had made this happen.

"Shut up bitch!" He slapped my face and I was quiet instantly, frozen.

"Don't pretend like you don't want this. You led me on. You let me pay for drinks and then just left me in the bar!"

I tried begging. I said no over and over again.

But it didn't matter.

The wine was still trailing down the wall. I focused on it. Tried to pull away from the grunting, sweating man above me who kept on telling me what a tease I was. How I had made this happen.

When he left he was whistling.

I curled up on the floor and stayed there for hours.

Dr. Huang was rendered speechless.

Olivia had sounded distant from the situation as she had described it. Her trauma response to the rape had been dissociation.

She was staring of into space, relatively calm. Her shaking had stopped.

He tried to remember when he had last seen her.

Of course he had noticed that something was wrong. He had realized that something was going on between her and Elliot, but this...

He hadn't been there for every case. There were other police departments that had requested him, other units that needed help.

He hadn't expected any of this.

"Olivia?" He finally said willing her to look at him. "This wasn't your fault."

She actually smiled. "Sure. That's what we always tell the victims."

"It's true!" He snapped because she was so far gone he felt like shaking her, wanting bad-ass Detective Olivia Benson to return to her body and take control of her life. "This wasn't your fault."

The woman in front of his sighed defeated. "I flirted with him, I let my guard down around him–"

"He manipulated you! He groomed you into trusting him and waited to strike while you were most vulnerable. I bet he followed you home from the bar and watched Elliot leave."

She lifted her shoulders, obviously not caring about these details.

"Olivia, it's–"

"You can keep on saying it, doc." She interrupted him. "But it won't change the fact that it actually is my fault." She shook her head. "I...I lied, ok? I told Elliot I had been raped and then...then ten minutes later the universe punished me for telling that lie."

"That's not true." He spoke more gently now again. "You know, deep in your heart that it's not true, Olivia." After all this time had hadn't touched her, but now he leaned forward, taking her hands in his. "Please. Think about what you would say to yourself. What would Detective Benson do?"

She smiled sadly and pulled her hands from his. "Detective Benson doesn't exist anymore." When she looked at him he saw the distant look in her eyes he'd started to dread. "She's gone."

Dr. Huang knew that it would take some time for Olivia to understand she had done nothing wrong. That the only one at fault was her rapist. He stood up from the table.

"Let's go." He said. "I'll take you to the hospital."

"Why?" Olivia seemed to be genuinely confused.

"You were raped." He said the words that she still hadn't uttered out loud. "We need to go to the hospital and get a rape kit done."

"Oh." She said as if she understood his words now. "Yeah. No. The rape happened two weeks ago." She looked up at him with apologetic eyes. "It's too late for a kit."

Dr. Huang sank back down as his legs gave in.

They still hadn't reached tonight's part of her story. He still didn't know what had finally pushed her over the edge and had her coming here in the middle of the night.

Despite the comfortable warmth the fire-site provided he was chilled to the bone.

If the rape hadn't pushed her over the edge he dreaded the next part of her story.

What on earth had happened to her?

Hi guys, this was the toughest chapter to write. We're almost done with the dark parts of the story though! Please let me know what you think!