"Are you ok?"

Dr. Huang almost laughed. "You shouldn't have to ask me that."

"You're looking a bit pale." Olivia noted and he sighed.

"This isn't about me." He said. "Do you need a break?"

She laughed humorlessly. "No. I don't need break."

He regretted his question. She didn't need a break now. Everything she was telling him had already happened.

It was too late for any kind of help.

Chapter 12: The Worst Kind of Pain

When I shattered to pieces,

Broke, but not bleeding.

The worst kind of pain's buried too deep to see it.

"The Night that You Left" - Ashley Kutcher [One Eighty]

The next morning I was late for work.

I'd showered four times. Scrubbed myself raw. Gone to the pharmacy and demanded the morning-after pill.

Then I went home and showered again.

I had thrown my clothes away.

I knew what had happened was my fault, because I had told this lie, I had broken Elliot's heart, I had wrecked our partnership beyond repair.

So now all I would do was pretend that it hadn't happened.

All the evidence was gone.

The bruises I felt would heal in time.

And the memory would fade.

And then it would be like it had never happened.

Of course I knew what everyone would say if they found out. They would tell me putting my rapist on the stand would be freeing, would help met get closure and get my life back.

Clearly they had never been torn apart by another human being.

There was no way I would put him in the stand.

I was not putting myself through that.

I was just going to go back to my job, be the detective I always had been.

Elliot wanted me to leave him alone and I would do that. I could do it for him. I would always love him and if distance was what he needed I would give it to him.

When I arrived at the precinct I could feel that something was going on. There was a strange tense atmosphere.

Things had been tense for a while now.

But this was different.

"Olivia." It was Cragen and he looked defeated. "In my office, now."

Munch and Fin didn't look at me and that's when I knew. Despite my efforts to be professional to give the job my all, Cragen was going to sack me.

"Close the door." He said gently.

I looked at him and wondered if he could see that I had been violated. If I had managed to hide what had happened or if he could see right through me,

"Elliot put his papers in."

And just like that my world shattered again.

I hadn't known there was anything left inside of me to break.

Boy, was I wrong.

"There was nothing I could do."

"He's earned it." I whispered.

He has taken th easy way out. I had broken him, broken us and he ran away. Vanished without even telling me.

"And then some." Cragen agreed still looking at me with pitiful eyes. "You wanna talk?"

I almost laughed. Talk about what? How I had ruined everything we'd had? How after everything that had happened between us he had chosen the easy way out and just up and left?

Left me?

"No."

"You wanna take the day?"

"I'm fine." My voice broke at the last word. If I went home now I couldn't say what I would do.

I left to go to the door when the Captain said:

"Liv...I'm sorry."

Me too, I thought.

No one could ever comprehend just how sorry I was.

Fin and Munch were looking at me with wide eyes. Their pity for me was written clearly all over their faces.

I didn't back down, I didn't cry. I didn't break down.

For all outward appearances I seemed fine and I knew if I just pretended long enough I would believe it and it would become my reality.

"How long did that last?" The FBI agent asked with a sad, yet knowing smile.

"About a day." She admitted. "I really tried."

"I know."

He also knew that they had another two weeks to talk about leading to the events of this evening and now they were a day one.

"Were you angry at Elliot for leaving?"

"Yes." She whispered and he was relieved, because it was the first time she had admitted to being upset with Elliot, with how he had handled a situation. It was the first time she wasn't hero-worshiping him. "He didn't know it of course, but he abandoned me when I needed him most."

Dr. Huang nodded.

"And he could have told me." She whispered. "That last evening, but maybe he didn't know then."

"Maybe." He agreed in a gentle tone.

"Maybe Kathy put him up to it." She said and he noticed the phrase put him up too it, heard how she genuinely thought him leaving SVU was personal attack against her.

He couldn't blame her.

"How did you get through that first day after the attack? Your first case?" He couldn't imagine how hard that must have been. Keeping her own suffering inside while listening to somebody else describe their pain and then seek justice for that person but never for herself.

"I was on autopilot." She confessed. "And just functioned."

Dr. Huang nodded. "And then you went home and it all came crashing down?"

"No I didn't go home." Olivia explained. "I drove to Queens that night, to Elliot's house."

How dare he?!

How dare he make this about him and his pain and just leave like that?!

I could have dealt with the silent treatment, if only he had still been there. Still a presence in my life. I would have loved him from a distance and then at some point, years down the road we would have found our way back to each other as friends and partners.

I'd been sure of it.

We were too in-sync, had been too close, way before our weekend together.

But now he had taken last shred of hope I'd secretly been holding on to.

If he left SVU then there would be no finding back to each other. As I drove into his street I felt a weight so heavy on my lungs like I couldn't breathe.

If he left SVU then I would never have closure.

I would never move on.

Parking right outside his house I killed the engine with shaking hands. I hadn't really thought about what I was going to say.

I was raped.

His wife had lied to me.

I loved him.

We belonged together?

I rested my head in my hands.

Just last night I had seen how hurt he was and I knew there was no way back, but for the life of me I couldn't quench the hope inside of me.

What if we did manage to get past this?

I couldn't tell him about what had happened to me though. After my lie he wouldn't believe it. And I had destroyed the evidence.

I wanted to make it like it had never happened.

I could do this.

My hand was still shaking when I gripped the door-handle and opened the car door stepping out into the evening.

It wasn't real dark out just yet. There were lights on inside the house, but they hadn't closed the curtains just yet.

Elliot was hurt.

If he was even a fraction of miserable as I was then he would talk to me. I would tell him about Kathy, no more lies, only one last well-kept secret and I would confront him with his own feelings.

He thought he'd never had a choice because I cheated.

That's why he had stayed with her.

Because she had gone back on the deal we'd had.

But he had a choice.

I wanted him to know that.

And that's when I saw him.

Little Eli was in his strong arms. The same arms that had held me.

He was laughing.

The child was laughing too and he turned towards Kathy who stood in the doorway of the living room, a radiating smile on her face.

He returned the smile, kissing his son's forehead and swaying slightly causing the boy to giggle.

Elliot was happy.

I had been lying sobbing and bleeding on the same apartment floor where he and I had first made love. I had explained to a rather persistent pharmacist that no I did not need medical attention, I just wanted the god-damned pill.

And he was happy?

I had then swallowed said pill wishing my own mother had done this while pregnant with me. Wishing I never had been born.

I had thought of four different ways to kill myself, ranking them by how much damage I would do, because I didn't want to be a burden for anyone once I was gone.

And he was happy?

Kathy walked over to him in full confidence and full knowledge that she had every right to do so. A smile it up his face as they kissed one another, cradling their son between them.

The relief hit me so hard I almost stumbled.

He was happy.

Whatever had happened between us, he was going to be ok.

My life was ruined.

But his wasn't.

At least one of us was ok, one of us would be happy.

If I went in there now and told him all I wanted to, told him about the choice he got to make, then I would ruin his life too.

Despite what had happened, despite the way he had treated me these past few weeks I loved him enough to walk away.

I loved him so much I made the choice for him.

He had moved on, gone back to his wife and I would move on too.

It would take me years.

It would take me a life time.

But I would keep him in mind like this, loved, cherished and happy. I was too broken to give him what he needed, but Kathy despite the lies she had told me, would look out for him.

So I drove back home into the apartment that held my best and worst memories at the same time. I tried to forget everything that had happened.

It was time to let him go.

"Olivia." Dr. Huang sounded impressed. "Not speaking to him must have been so difficult."

She didn't respond.

It had been difficult. It had been one of the most difficult things she had ever done.

And yet.

Knowing he was going to be ok gave her strength,

"It was what was best for him."

"But not for you." He was starting to hate Elliot Stabler. How could he have left her like this? How could she continue to defend him? Look out for him?

"I'm..." She sighed and then admitted: "I'm not so good at doing what is best for me."

Dr. Huang didn't argue with her there.

"So, how did your life go on?" He looked at her sadly. "I assume you didn't sleep, didn't eat and drank yourself into oblivion?"

She smiled and it looked less broken than her smiles had looked all evening. "Actually, quite the opposite. I became sober, worked out and made sure to eat regularly." She looked up at him. "I was living my best life."

He kept her gaze, could see the sadness and darkness harbored in her brown eyes. "Until you weren't?"

"Yeah." She whispered. "Until I wasn't."

It had been two weeks since Elliot had left Special Victims Unit and two weeks since my rape.

"Alright. So the girl says they broke up two days ago." Cragen sounded tired and I couldn't blame him. Munch was sick. We were understaffed.

"Yeah." Fin agreed. "But he says they were together he came in they had sex, next thing he knows she cries rape."

He turned to me. "What do you think, Liv?"

"My gut says he's guilty." I said. "But it's tricky, the evidence from the rape kit could also point to rough sex."

The captain pointed to the picture of Molly, the 23-year-old victim. "Is she credible?"

"Very." I said and Fin nodded beside me.

He kept on saying I wanted it and I said no. He said he loved me. I said no over and over again, but that didn't stop him.

"We found his skin under her fingernails." Fin explained. "She said she tried to fight him off, but.."

"Every cheap lawyer can turn that into consensual sex." Cragen completed the sentence. "And this guy is loaded, he's going to get a good defense."

"We have Alex." I said, not neccisarily because Alex was my friend but because she was good. "We can do this Captain, Molly deserves justice."

"Fine." Cragen said. "I'll call Cabot. Olivia I want you in the box with this scumbag when his attorney arrives. He likes to brag and impress women If we're lucky, he'll be stupid enough to slip up."

"Ok."

"Hey, Cap." Fin jumped up just as Cragen was about to leave for his office. "I was wondering...we're kinda short staffed around here."

"Well Munch is sick, you know how he gets. If I drag him in here any day sooner than his sick leave ends, we'll never hear the end of it."

"Yea I know..." Fin looked uncomfortable. "But...we'll...we also have a free spot."

Cragen looked at me briefly and then back at Fin, but didn't say anything.

"It's been two weeks, Captain." Fin muttered as if he didn't want me to hear.

It had been two long weeks. Between working out, trying to catch up on sleep and working over time I barely had any time to think.

Which was the best thing that had happened to me in months.

The nights were the worst of course. I usually fell asleep easily, because I was always tired, but sometimes I had nightmares.

The things that kept my up the most was acute loneliness. I longed for what Elliot had, a little boy in my arms. Someone to love.

Sometimes I wished I hadn't taken the morning-after pill and just let fate be fate.

Cragen didn't reply and went into his office, slamming the door behind him, causing us both to jump.

"Do you want coffee?" Fin muttered.

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

He eyed me suspiciously. "What's your secret, Liv? How are you so well rested all the time?"

I laughed. "Sobriety. You should try it."

He rolled his eyes. "I'd sooner eat my gun."

Sometimes that night on the floor would sneak up on me. Eating my gun had been my best solution.

"Have you spoken to Munch? Maybe we should drop by his place and see if he needs anything."

"And get whatever bug he has? No thanks!"

"Must be nice having you as a partner." I joked and immediately wished I hadn't said it.

You got anyone taking care of you?

No, I'm fine.

Yeah, sure you are.

"Did Molly seem a little too credible to you?" Fin asked as he sat down with his coffee cup.

"What do you mean?"

"Just I don't know. She's seems so sure."

"Yeah." I tried to keep my voice in check. "Of course she's sure. Because what she's describing happened to her, Fin."

He held us his hands in a defensive way and said nothing else.

Elliot would have backed me up. He would have said something clever and maybe even funny despite the situation.

But he was gone.

"Liv, the lawyer's here." Cragen came back into the squad room just as Alex Cabot did.

"Did you beam here?" He asked and she laughed.

"I was in the building before you called."

The four of us went to the interrogation room in silence. Alex was mad at me because Elliot was gone. I hadn't seen that coming, but I didn't really care about it any more.

I was moving forward. I was living my best life. I was going to find happiness eventually, just as Elliot had.

We stopped outside of the box, looking in at the young man and his lawyer and just like that my world stropped.

Everything around me slowed. I could hear my colleagues' voices, could hear there talk, but it was in a distance.

I couldn't breathe.

The weight of my secrets began pressing down on me and every hurt I had been denying myself to feel was just suddenly there, palpable, right within my reach.

I couldn't think, couldn't move.

My heart didn't beat faster.

It stopped.

Everything stopped.

"Liv?" It was Cragen.

"What?" I whispered.

"Are you going in?" He sounded strange, amused and just a little irritated at the same time.

Right.

I was a police officer, there was a suspect and his lawyer. I had to go inside and interrogate him.

"No." I said. "No, I'm not going in there, forget it."

"What?" Alex snapped. "What are you talking about?"

Just then the lawyer looked up and for the first time in two weeks I looked into the face of the man who had raped me.

Devon Collins was sitting beside the suspect.

Of course he couldn't see me, but that didn't help me.

"Fin." I said. "You go."

"No." Cragen was even more irritated. "What's going on Olivia? I told you specifically that we need you in there."

"Well I'm not going!" I was instantly so tired, so done. I couldn't do this. I just couldn't. No one could expect me to. They couldn't make me.

They don't know. A voice inside of me whispered. This is just another workday for them.

I couldn't do this,

Elliot, I thought. What would Elliot do? Where is he? I need him here. I can't do this.

"Captain?" A rookie cop in uniform showed up in the hallway we were currently crowded in. "There's a woman here who wants to speak to a detective."

"I'll go!" I turned around to him.

"No." Cragen said. "Fin will go. You will go and interrogate that suspect. That's an order detective."

The others were frozen. As was I. I couldn't defy a direct order.

"For the love of God!" Alex finally exploded. "Would you just go in there and do your job?!"

I flinched. Her loud voice breaking my trance.

"No." I said again. "I'm not going in there and you can't make me."

"What the hell is your problem, Olivia?!" Alex was way over our friendship, just as I was. "Elliot was right, you've lost it!"

The others actually gasped. My mind was racing. When had Elliot spoken to Alex?

"Alex." Cragen muttered in a warning tone.

"No!" She was on a rampagne now. "He told me she lied about being raped after they slept together just because she wanted to get back together with him! She made up a rape!"

How many times can one world collapse? How many pieces of my life were there left to break?

Fin, Cragen and the rookie looked at me with stunned expressions.

I couldn't argue.

I turned to the door.

This was the only thing to do.

I didn't want this man looking at me. I didn't want to be in the same room as him.

But there was nothing else to do. No other way.

This would be my choice. I was choosing to be strong, choosing to face him on my terms.

Alex opened the door pushing me inside in the progress.

So I turned and used my full body to push against her. She screamed, the others screamed. I pressed her against the wall, holding my arm against her throat causing her to grasp.

"Olivia!" Cragen tried to pull me off of her.

I reached for my gun.

Olivia was sobbing.

Dr. Huang sat beside her on the couch. His heart heavy with pity and empathy. He hesistantly reached out to touch her back and when she didn't flinch away he began stroking her back reassuringly.

"It's going to be ok." He assured her. "We will explain what happened. We will tell Cragen about the rape. We'll get him, Olivia."

"I can't." She gasped. "I can't do this."

"Yes you can!" He moved closer, willing her to look at him. "You are so strong. So much stronger than you give yourself credit for. But you have PTSD. You were forced into a tiny room with your rapist. Of course you snapped. You need help, treatment, therapy and then you'll get your badge back."

She didn't reply and buried her face in her hands.

"Liv." The agent whispered. "You're not alone. We can do this. You'll get your day in court and this son of a bitch will get what is coming for him."

Happy Monday everyone! Today is a good one :) Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and sharing your ideas and thoughts with me. The scene in which Cragen tells Olivia about Elliot's departure is made up from the original script (13x01) and the flashbacks to Elliot taking care of her are from 11x09. What did you think of this chapter? And did anyone notice we are in chapter 12 aka the same season Elliot left SVU? I love it when things work out like that :D Have a good week everyone!