Chapter 13: Loosing my Religion
"Loosing My Religion" – R.E.M. [Out of Time]
Oh life, it's bigger
it's bigger than you
And you are not me
"What are you doing here, Olivia?" Alex Cabot was annoyed to see her former colleague. She was wearing a scarf around her neck and was adjusting it, obviously uncomfortable.
Olivia could see the blue and green marks underneath the clothing and felt sick to her stomach at what she had done.
"I'm so sorry." She said immediately. "Listen, can I come in?"
"No." Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest. "No absolutely not. I don't want you anywhere near me."
"I won't hurt you." Olivia promised.
"Well as reassuring as that is, I don't want you in my house." The ADA began to close the door and Olivia called out:
"He raped me! Devon Collins raped me."
Alex stopped closing the door and looked at Olivia with a gaze that was shocked and upset at the same time.
"What?!"
"He raped me." Olivia repeated, calmer this time. "Two weeks ago. After Elliot left, he was probably stalking me. He saw Elliot leave and then he showed up. He pushed himself into my apartment and...and he raped me."
Now that she was finally able to say the words out loud they flew from her lips, almost as if she couldn't stop them.
The two women stared at each other for a long moment but neither of them said anything.
Finally Alex said:
"That doesn't excuse what happened." She tugged at her scarf. "If it's true."
"It is true." Olivia looked into Alex eyes. "And I was traumatized and scared. You pushed me into that room and–"
"I wanted you to do your job, that's all." Alex sounded sad. "And you strangled me and pulled your gun on me."
"I'm sorry." Olivia repeated.
"Sorry isn't going to cut it!"
Olivia flinched at the ADA's loud voice and tried to remember a time when the two women had been friends.
"I want to bring him to trial." Olivia said, her voice steady. "I wasn't ready two weeks ago, but I am now."
"Is there any evidence?" Alex asked. "An outcry witness? Anything to back up these allegations?"
"No." Olivia admitted.
"Then I can't help you, I'm sorry."
Before Olivia could say anything else Alex closed the door in her face, leaving her standing outside alone.
The lengths that I will go to.
The distance in your eyesOh, no, I've said too much
I set it up
"How have you been?" Dr. Huang looked at her with a worried look in his eyes.
"Better." She admitted.
She was sitting in his office and was surprised by how comfortable she felt here. Since they had last spoken three days ago she had been all over the precinct looking for anyone to help her with her rape.
Fin, Munch and Cragen hadn't said outright that they didn't believe her. Not in so many words. But they had all heard about her lie to Elliot.
Which means that the defense will hear about it too, Olivia. Taking this to trial will not help anyone.
At least that's how Cragen had put it.
And he was worried about her and maybe it would be better, if she left New York for a while? Cleared her head?
Olivia had actually laughed.
Clearing your head of trauma. She'd said. Sure I'll give that a go.
"Good." The psychiatrist smiled, but he looked tired and worn out.
Olivia felt bad for him. She had pulled him into this mess and was dragging him down with her.
"Cabot feels insecure taking this to trial. She has made some valid points. She thinks you might not be up for facing him in court. And there is no evidence." He paused. "The question is what you want to do. How do you feel about the trial?"
"I want to face him." She said. "I'm ready. He raped me and I want justice."
"Good." Dr. Huang looked relieved.
She knew she had shocked him with her break-down. He had never seen her so upset and weak before. She had shocked herself.
"Did you..." She took a deep breath. This was still hard for her to talk about. "Did you speak to Elliot?"
"No." He said gently, but also clearly. There was a sad look in his eyes. "Olivia. I drove to his house in Queens. It's up for sale." He paused and the told her: "The Stablers aren't there any more. They left."
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
loosing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
She continued living sober and going to self-help groups for rape victims.
She spoke to Dr. Huang every day, either on the phone or at his office.
Olivia Benson hadn't set foot in the Special Victims Unit precinct in two weeks.
The trial was coming up.
Cragen had very clearly ordered her to stay away from the squad as to not jeopardize the case. So she stayed away.
She was very lonely, but she pulled through.
She knew Huang would find Elliot.
She had told him to look in Seattle. To call every FBI agent located there, to have him searched for as a material witness.
Despite everything she still loved him.
And she needed him here.
She couldn't go through this without him.
Soon she and Alex would start prepping her statements and she was scared. Every day she had to tell herself that having her day in court would be good for her. Would bring her closure.
Something she knew to be true.
She'd seen it so many times how women regretted not having their day in court. She'd seen them thrive after getting justice.
She had learned to take every day by itself and not think too far ahead.
She missed her mother and was looking into adoption.
And she wanted Elliot with her. By her side. His hand on her back. His blue eyes gazing at her lovingly.
She couldn't do this without him.
"Olivia." It was Huang and there was that sadness in his eyes again.
She'd been sitting outside of his office, waiting for him.
"Hey." She smiled a genuine smile at the worn out FBI agent.
He was her only friend right now.
Sometimes she missed Fin and Munch. But she knew talking to them would be ammunition for the defense to use against her. The defense being John Buchanan. She was glad Collins wasn't representing himself.
Inside the office she sat down at her usual seat opposite his desk and as surprised when he came around to sit beside her.
"What's wrong?" She asked quickly.
"I found Elliot." He said gently.
"You did?!" She almost humped out of her chair. "Where is he?! Is he ok?! When is he coming?"
She'd known agent Huang would find him, had known he wouldn't let her down.
"He and his family are in Italy."
"Italy?" She repeated, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
What on earth was he doing in Italy?
"He's ok?"
"He's fine." There was a tension in Huang's voice she had detected every now and again.
"When is he coming?"
She couldn't wait to see him. Once Elliot was back in New York everything would be ok, she was sure of it.
With him by her side she could do anything. As long as they were together.
Dr. Huang dropped his gaze.
"Olivia, that's the thing." For a moment she held her breath, waiting for the other man to say what was on his mind. "Elliot's not coming."
Her heart sank as the ground was ripped away from her feet.
Again.
"Did you..." She swallowed, realized she was fighting back her tears. "Did you talk to him?"
"I did." He said gently. "I told him about the trial, but..."
"But he didn't believe you." Olivia realized. "He thinks I'm lying."
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
"I knew she was emotionally unstable."
Devon Collins was sitting in the stand as if it was a throne. Olivia could barely fathom how comfortable he seemed to be. How confident he was.
"That's why I went to her apartment in the first place." Next to her Dr. Huang gripped her hand tightly and she smiled up at him. He had come through for her over and over again these past few weeks. Sometimes she even slept at his house, because she couldn't stand being in her own apartment.
"As we will hear from the bartender later on in this trial, Miss Benson was heavily intoxicated is that correct?"
"She was wasted when she was there, yes. She was distraught so I went to check up on her."
"Was she alone?"
"Yes. Her partner at the time, detective Elliot Stabler had just left and it was revealed to me that she and he had had an illicit affair."
Olivia took a shaky breath. Of all the things this scumbag could do, dragging her and Elliot's love into the mud in public court was one of the worst.
"Objection." Alex sounded bored. "Relevance?"
"Speaks to her character, your honor." Buchanan said.
"I'll allow it. Continue."
"When you got to Miss Benson's apartment what happened?"
The former detective kept her gaze on her rapist. She forced herself to look at him, forced herself to keep him locked in her gaze.
She would not show any weakness.
"She invited me in. She seemed happy to see me." He looked at the jury with what seemed to be an expression of sadness.
Olivia's blood was boiling.
"What happened then?"
Collins looked at her then. "She initiated a kiss. I tried to stop it at first, because I didn't want to take advantage of her."
"Of course not. You're an upstanding man, Mr. Collins."
"Objection." Alex sighed.
"Mr. Buchanan, just ask your questions please."
"Mr. Collins, what happened after detective Benson invited you to her apartment and then kissed you?"
"We had consensual sex right on her living room floor." Olivia's rapist had the nerve to blush. "We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She was in total control. She was on me within seconds."
Olivia looked away from the liar in front of her to the jury on the side. Some of them were blushing, one man was smiling.
Next to her Dr. Huang pressed her hand again.
"Honestly." Collins looked at the jury. "The only thing I am guilty of is taking advantage of an emotionally distraught and drunk woman. I wish I'd never gone to her apartment."
"Counselor." Buchanan turned to Alex and he looked smug. "Your witness."
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh, no, I've said too much
I set it up
"Miss Benson, is it true that you told a lie about being raped?"
"Yes."
Too many people knew about her lie to Elliot. She and Alex and had both agreed to get ahead of it before the defense could use it against her.
She looked at the jury.
"I was upset about my personal relationship." She explained. "I never made any allegations and I cleared the lie right up when I was confronted with the man I lied to."
"The man being Elliot Stabler, you're ex-partner."
"Yes."
"Miss Benson, what happened that night when Mr. Collins appeared at your door?"
This was it. The moment she had feared and at the same time had longed for.
"He asked if he could come into my apartment." She was looking at the jury, she didn't want to look at Collins or Cragen or Fin or Munch who were all sitting in the court room. "I said no." Her breath hitched.
You can do this, she told herself. You deserve this.
"He pushed himself inside and forced himself onto me. I said no over and over again and tried to fight him. He raped me."
She had trouble reading the jurors. Some looked pitiful. But they'd worn the same expressions when Collins had testified.
"I have no more questions, your honor."
They had decided to keep Olivia's testimony short and simple. Because the facts were very simple. He had come in, she had said no, he had raped her.
"Counselor, your witness."
"Detective Benson." Buchanan sighed and smiled. "Sorry, it's Miss Benson now. When you were upset with Elliot Stabler you told him you had been raped and that was a lie, correct?"
"Objection." Alex said. "We've covered this."
"I have a right to question the witness and the ADA opened this particular door, your honor."
Olivia's gaze went to her rapist. He looked smug.
"I'll allow it." The judge said. "Answer the question, detective."
"Yes." Olivia said. "I lied."
"Because you were upset and distraught about your illicit affair?"
"Objection!"
"I'll rephrase." Buchanan was strutting through the courtroom, obviously sure of himself. "Detective, it is your testimony that you were upset and that's why you told this particular lie, is that correct?"
"Yes."
"So how should we know you're telling the truth now?" Buchanan came closer to the witness stand. "What if you're just upset again?"
"I'm not." She muttered. "I'm telling the truth."
"Oh sure you are!" He sounded amused now and she dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand. "Is it correct that detective Stabler has refused to return to New York?"
Olivia looked at Alex who also looked confused by this question, but did not object.
"I don't know." She admitted. "I haven't spoken to him since that night."
"Which night?"
"The night I was raped."
"And coincidentally the night you lied to him!" Buchanan raised his voice in a triumphant way. "Tell us detective, how much time passed between your lie and your alleged rape?"
Olivia dropped her gaze, unable to answer.
"Answer the question, detective." The judge said in a gentle tone.
"10 minutes." She admitted.
She remembered how excited she had been at the sound of the knock. How hopeful she'd been that Elliot had changed his mind.
She hadn't even checked the peephole. She'd just opened the door.
"Ten minutes." Buchanan repeated. "How lucky for you. Detective Stabler didn't believe your lie, so you decided to accuse the first man of rape that was unfortunate enough to be your next sexual encounter."
"No." Olivia said. "That's not what happened, he raped me."
"You wanted attention, but that backfired. Elliot Stabler fled the country and he's not coming back! He knows your lying and he's wise enough not to ruin his career over this mess!"
"No!" She yelled back. "Your client raped me! He came into my apartment and he raped me!"
"My client was in the wrong place at the wrong time!" The defense attorney fired back. He was holding up an envelope. "Defense Exhibit A, your honor." He handed a sheet to the judge. "Text exchanges between Miss Benson and Liam Black. Detective, would you please read the highlighted passage?"
Olivia cringed.
"No?" Buchanan said. "Fine, I'll read it. Wanna come over? She asked Liam Black who responded with Be there in twenty minutes. Winking-emoji-face. Detective, what was he coming over for?"
Everyone was looking at her. Her cheeks were red.
"I asked him over for sex." She finally said because she was not going to tell a full courtroom about her plan with Kathy.
"Was this the first time you and Liam Black had sex?"
"We didn't have sex that night. I sent him home."
"Oh really?" The attorney raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess, you were upset?"
"Objection!" It had been the first objection from Alex in a long time and Olivia was starting to wonder why she was letting Buchanan take it this far.
"Stay in line, Mr. Buchanan." The judge sounded bored.
"Miss Benson, did you ever have a sexual encounter with Liam Black?"
Again she cringed. "Yes."
"What about Agent Ash Ramsay?"
She swallowed and tried to catch Alex' gaze, but the ADA was studying paper files.
"Yes."
"And detective Elliot Stabler, who I might add, is married?"
We didn't have sex, she wanted to say.We made love. We loved each other and he treated me with respect and treasured me.
"Yes."
"So you will have sex with lots of men, but when my client checks up on you while you're emotionally distressed it's suddenly rape?"
There was no objection from Alex and Olivia repeated:
"That wasn't sex. He raped me."
"That's what you say happened." Buchanan muttered. "No further questions, your honor." He made a sound as if he was disgusted. "I'm done."
Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this,
The slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I've said too much
"Detective Tutuola, is it true you initially didn't believe your former colleague?"
"Objection, what has this go to do with anything?!" Alex sounded angry.
"Well." Buchanan was so smug he had given up on any kind of professionalism even it had been a pretense to begin with. "I think she's lying to get attention. Her former colleague thought she was lying too."
"I'll allow it."
"I didn't believe it." Fin admitted.
"Why not?"
"There was no evidence to support her claim. And I heard about the lie she told to Elliot Stabler. That made me unsure."
Olivia was sitting beside Huang again. He was holding her hand. But she felt like she wasn't even present. She was so humiliated.
"Detective." Buchanan was talking to Fin like they were old friends. "You've been on Miss Benson's case since her claim. Were you able to find any other victims? Or any allegations again my client?"
"No."
"No." Buchanan repeated, obviously happy with himself. "Because it's not true."
"Objection!"
"The jury will disregard, Mr. Buchanan tread lightly."
"Sorry your honour, detective Tutuola, do you believe your former colleague now?"
It was only a moment, but they all saw it.
Fin hesitated.
"You're under oath, detective."
He still didn't say anything.
"Detective Tutuola, do you believe that Olivia Benson was raped?"
Fin was her friend. They'd worked together almost ten years.
"I don't know." He finally said while looking straight at her. "I'm just not sure."
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try.
But that was just a dream.Just a dream.
"We find the defendant not guilty."
Olivia wasn't surprised.
After this joke of a trail she had learned her lesson. She had expected this.
"Liv." Huang said beside her, his eyes wide with emotion. "I am so sorry."
"It doesn't matter." She had prepared for this. She knew what she was going to do. This was the worst case scenario and since those seemed to be a constant reappearance in her life she knew exactly what do to.
A part of her relieved that everything was coming to an end.
Collins and Buchanan were laughing.
They looked equally smug.
"I need to get out of here."
She felt bad for leaving so suddenly, because this would be the last time she would see Dr. Huang. He was the only friend she had left in the world and she couldn't even give him a the goodbye he deserved.
Olivia Benson looked at him for a long moment. Words of farewell were on her lips, but she couldn't voice them. Even if he deserved them.
He would be relieved about her plan. She knew it.
"Bye." She said in a low whisper, turned around and left the courthouse for what she knew would be the last time.
Dr. Huang wanted to follow, but he was too distracted. He wasn't ready to stop fighting for Olivia Benson.
"What have you done?!" The FBI agent was furious as he walked towards Alex Cabot, who didn't seem disturbed in the slightest.
"The evidence was against her." The blond woman muttered as if this was enough. As if she didn't care.
"No!" He shook his head. "You did not do a well enough job! You let them eviscerate her on the stand!"
"We tried." Alex said. "And failed."
"Let it go doc." It was Fin who had joined them. Munch and Cragen by his side, both of them silent, which only infuriated the FBI agent more.
"You barely objected! And you!" He turned to Fin. "You threw Olivia under the bus!"
"She lied, doc." Cragen said matter-of-factly. "She lied and she attacked Alex. She was not a reliable witness."
"She's the victim!" Huang spat as he lost all of his respect for the man in front of him. "She attacked Alex, because she has PTSD!"
All of this was so fruitless. They all didn't believe him.
"We should head back, Cap." Munch muttered, putting his hand on Cragen's arm as if the captain needed support. As if he was the one who had just been dragged through hell.
Huang watched them leave with what he knew was only a fraction of the disappointment that Olivia must be feeling.
He had to go and check on her. But he wasn't ready.
"Did you even investigate?" He asked Fin who stepped back with a shocked expression.
"Excuse me?!" Alex looked appalled. "How dare you accuse us of that?"
"Oh don't get me wrong." Huang said in a cold tone. "I'm only accusing him of not investigating, I'm accusing you of not doing your job."
She looked flabbergasted but before she replied a male voice gently said:
"Alex." It was Devon Collins, Olivia's rapist. "Good trial. Can I take you out to lunch?"
George Huang was good at reading people and as he read the absolute pretence in this exchange of words he was shocked to his core.
He saw how Alex pretended to be surprised.
How Collins pretended to be nervous.
Watched as the two of them pretended that this was their first personal encounter.
"Are you kidding me?!" The psychiatrist muttered. "They are involved?!"
He was going to get her license and make sure she never stood in a courtroom again.
"This whole thing was corrupt! Where's the judge?!" He looked around in a panic. "Arrest her! How could you let this happen?!"
"Hey, doc." Fin tried to sound persuasive although he looked nervous. "Come on, it's pretty obvious that Liv was lying."
Dr. Huang looked at him in disgust.
"Ok fine." He wiped over his face. He felt like crying. He felt like he needed a drink. "Do me a favour, detective. Just imagine for a moment that Olivia was telling the truth." He let this sink in, but Fin's face was completely void of emotion. "Do you have any idea what kind of damage you've caused?!"
He didn't wait for an answer. He was done with all of them. Olivia could keep Elliot on a pedestal if she wanted, but Dr. Huang hated the whole lot of the special victims unit.
He was going to make sure Alex Cabot lost her license, he was going to sue the NYPD. He was going to make sure Olivia got the justice she deserved.
But first he had to find her, comfort her. One last time he had to tell her that everything would be ok and try to pull her out of the darkness that was so clearly invading her life.
Outside it started pouring down rain and it was impossible for him to get a cab.
It took ages.
By the time he reached Olivia's apartment it was too late.
He knocked on the door frantically after a neighbour had buzzed him in.
"Olivia?" He called from outside. "It's Huang. Please open the door."
Please, he thought as he remembered how she had stared into her eyes. And the tone of her voice when she had said goodbye.
She hadn't even seemed upset when the verdict had been delivered.
No. He thought. Please no.
He was pretty sure she had seemed relieved.
A door opposite Olivia's opened and said neighbour who had let him in said:
"She's not here."
"Where is she?!" He reached for his badge. "This is an emergency."
"She left."
"What do you mean she left?!"
The young woman who had opened the door squinted at his badge and said:
"Oh! You must be Dr. Huang. Here, she left a letter for you."
His heart sank. This cheerful woman had no idea what was going on.
Oh Olivia, he thought. What have you done?
"There you go!" She smiled. "Do you need the key to the apartment too?"
"What?" He asked shakily as he took the envelope with Olivia's handwriting neat handwriting spelling out his first and last name.
"The key to the apartment?" The woman repeated with her easy smile. "I thought you'd be the next tenant, she gave me the key and the letter and said you'd come by."
He was speechless. He was shaking.
The neighbour didn't seem to notice and promptly handed him the key to Olivia's apartment before closing her own door.
It was completely empty.
All the furniture was gone.
The wine stains on the wall had vanished.
It was clean and ready to be moved into.
There was no body.
Where had she gone?
I had thought of four different ways to kill myself, ranking them by how much damage I would do, because I didn't want to be a burden for anyone once I was gone.
"No, please." He whispered as he unfolded her letter.
It's better this way.
Sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person.
Thank you for everything.
You were there for me when no one else was.
Take care.
Goodbye.
"Olivia." He whispered as his knees gave out under him. "No, God please no."
He realized he was on the same floor she had been raped on. That he had reached his lowest point at the same place as she had.
"No, no, no..." He shouldn't have let her go after the verdict. He should have stayed with her.
It took a moment until he managed to get the phone out of his pocket because he was shaking so hard, but he had to call her. He had to stop this.
It took him six tries.
But she answered the phone.
"Liv?!" He almost sobbed. "Where are you? Are you ok? I'm coming to get you! Please don't do this!"
"I'm ok..." She sounded confused. "But I don't think you are."
There was a lot of background noise but he couldn't place it. It sounded like there was a crowd.
"Please, Olivia, don't do this. I am begging you."
"It's the only way." She sounded so calm that his heart almost burst.
She had made up her mind.
"No!" He exclaimed. "Not it's not! Please please meet with me!"
"You'll only talk me out of it." She sighed.
"Listen." He stood up from the floor. "Alex has been involved with Collins, I don't know for how long, but we can find it out. This whole trail was a farce and we can bring them both down and get you the justice you deserve."
"George." She interrupted him gently using his first name. "It's ok. I don't care any more. I've made peace with this a few weeks ago."
"You decided you were going to commit suicide a few weeks ago?!"
"Suicide?" She repeated and sounded surprised. "What are you talking about?"
All passenger's for Flight 357 to Miami please board now.
"Where are you?" He asked, calmer now.
"You thought I was going to commit suicide? No! I would never do that to you!"
"But the letter...and the empty apartment."
"Oh." She realized slowly. "I'm so sorry. No that was just me saying goodbye. I need to leave New York and I didn't know how to tell you..."
"So you thought giving me a heart attack was the way to do it?!"
She actually laughed. It was a broken sound, but she had laughed.
"I just...I have to go and I thought you might try to stop me, so I just booked a flight and ran. I'm sorry."
"It's ok." He sighed, he was so relieved he felt like sobbing. "I jumped to conclusions."
"Rightly so."
There was a silence between them.
"I need to..." She swallowed and he could hear how tear strained her voice was and could anticipate her next words. "I need to move on." She croaked. "And I can't..."
"You can't stay in contact with me." He ended her sentence and as he said it he realized he had become accustomed to her presence in his life. That he would miss her. "I understand."
"I'm sorry." She was crying now.
"It's fine, Liv. You owe me nothing, do you hear me?"
"I owe you everything." She disagreed. "Without you I probably would have killed myself."
He flinched because he was worried about her. It was going to be difficult not to be looking out for her.
"Maybe you could check in?" His own voice was thick with emotion. "Every now and then? An email or a phone call?"
"Definitely." She admitted.
"And Liv..." He paused and then continued: "If you ever need anything, anything at all you make sure to call me, ok? Day or night, I'm here."
"Thank you." Her voice was quivering again.
"Alright." He was so close to crying that he knew they would have to end this conversation. "Well then, I wish you all the best."
"Thank you."
He folded the letter and pressed it against his chest.
"Where are you going?" He asked, trying his hardest to regain control over his emotions.
"Seattle." She said and he wasn't even sure why he was surprised. "I'm moving to Seattle."
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight.
Loosing my religion.
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your reviews. I just love hearing your emotions and thoughts while reading. For now, this was the last "dark" chapter in Olivia's life. Who is excited about Seattle? Who was surprised? As a writer this was a difficult chapter to write because I wasn't sure how much of the court-lingu I posess. Turns out binge-watching 23 seasons of this show was good for something :D Anyway, have a great Monday everyone!