Chapter 14: The Life that Chose Me

I just get so lonely, still I'm to blame.

'Cause the life that chose me doesn't know my name.

"Seattle" – Deaf Havana [All These Countless Nights]

Olivia had never felt more lonely in her life although there were crowds of people everywhere. She had never known anything else than New York City.

But New York wasn't her city any more.

All the good memories she'd had were tainted by the bad ones.

Her reputation was in shreds. She was a lying manipulative bitch who had lost her head in an illicit affair.

If you wanted to believe the newspapers.

She would never shake these demons. She would never leave the darkness behind.

But she had to get out of the place that had been her home for so long.

Elliot Stabler was the love of her life.

Despite vanishing into thin air without a word, despite not coming to the rescue, Olivia knew she would always love him.

And she remembered the two days they had shared fondly.

She would treasure every gaze, every touch and every smile forever.

It only made sense to start a new life in Seattle.

The place they had dreamed about visiting together.

She had never dreamed of leaving New York. Had never dared to think of it and he had opened her eyes to new possibilities.

If anything she at least had that.

She would always be grateful for what he had done for her, even if he had disappointed her like that in the end.

After all Elliot had been the one to tell Alex about the lie.

Maybe she would have stood a fighting chance against her rapist at trial.

But then again, if Alex Cabot was involved with Olivia's rapist what chance had she ever had? Nothing mattered any more.

She would never be respected by her colleagues again, she would never have a badge again.

She was strictly Miss Benson from now on.

No more detective.

The decision to move away had been made after Devon Collins testimony.

She had known while watching him win over the jury that she would never win. He'd had them all wrapped around his little finger.

So she'd sold her belongings one after another.

The sofa she and Elliot had spent so many evenings on in the beginning, drinking, talking sitting side by side. The blanket he had slept with, the bed they had made love in...

Now at the airport she was only carrying one bag with her clothing and was ready to move on.

When it was announced that her flight was delayed by at least an hour she wasn't even surprised and went into the first bar she found.

Not to actually get a drink of course.

She wanted to stay sober.

Drinking had lost it's charm after her rape.

And sometimes as she lay awake struggling to fall asleep and her mind went to the dangerous what if place...

Sometimes she wondered if things would have gone differently, if she and Elliot hadn't been drinking together in the beginning.

Maybe if they'd been sober and clear-headed all through their time together.

Maybe then she'd still have him in her life.

Maybe things would be different.

She was sitting at the bar, minding her own business and nursing a diet coke when a man sat down beside her.

"You're Detective Benson." This man wasn't asking her, it was more of a statement.

It was an instinct to stand up from the barstool and put distance between herself and this stranger. She didn't even look at him and reached for her bag to leave him.

"Wait." The man called out. He had a nice warm voice. "Sit, drink, smile."

"Who are you?" She wasn't sure why she was engaging in a conversation with this man who was dressed in an expensive suit and red-chequered tie.

"Rafael Barba, Brooklyn ADA. Let me buy you a drink." The speed in which the words flowed from his mouth seemed to be his normal way of communicating.

"I don't drink."

"Admirable." He sipped what she assumed was scotch and pointed to the barkeeper. "Let's get the detective some more coke."

"Diet Coke." She corrected him. "And it's not detective any more."

"I heard about the trial." He said it so calmly, so emphatically that she found herself stepping closer. Rafael Barba had a handsome face and blazing green eyes that looked at her intently. "I'm sorry this happened to you."

"Thanks."

She didn't want to talk about the trial and he smiled at her with such an open and easy-going expression she sat back down at the bar.

"Where are you headed?" He asked.

"Seattle."

Rafael Barba clinked his glass against hers. "Me too!"

There was something about this, about him that made her feel less lonely.

The instinct to fill the emptiness inside of her with anything else was so overwhelming she couldn't leave.

"Are you visiting someone?" He asked and she could hear just how much of a lawyer he was just by this question.

She could picture him in the courtroom, getting into the perp's face, making sure there was justice for the victim.

"I'm uh...moving actually." She said and was surprised by how steady her voice was. "I'm leaving New York." There was a small silence that spread between them and Olivia felt herself calm down as if saying the words out loud eased the pain. Made it more bearable somehow.

"What about you?"

"Oh, visiting. Definitely." He said which she thought was a strange answer, but before she could say anything he said:

"It's a shame you're moving away, detective." She had a feeling he wouldn't lay off calling her detective no matter how many times she told him to. "I feel like we could have become friends." He paused. "In another life."

Olivia managed a smile and raised her glass. "To another life."

A warm smile spread on his face as he clinked her glass against her. "To another life!"

They drank and she felt warm under his gaze. Not the way she had with Elliot, she wasn't delusional, it would never be the same like it was with Elliot.

But it was nice somehow.

"Why are you moving?" The way he would just directly spout out whatever question was on his mind surprised her.

But it also intrigued her to answer.

"I just..." I'm traumatized, I lost everything, the life I once had is over. "I just need a change." Her mind briefly went to Elliot cupping her face and kissing her gently on the lips. "I need to see something different."

Rafael Barba nodded, tight-lipped and sipped his scotch.

She wasn't sure how much of the trial he knew about. He had recognized her so he obviously had seen the papers.

"Do you have a new job lined up?"

"Yeah." She avoided his eyes and said: "It's enough to get the bills paid."

The bills being the one-room apartment she hadn't seen yet. The job was helping out in a small book-store. It had been one of the first she had found and the couple owning it sounded desperate for the help. The woman, Hope, had sounded nice enough in the few emails they had exchanged.

"I'm bored."

Olivia almost dropped her glass in shock. The child standing between the two barstools was by no means menacing. Quite the opposite actually. He was a scrawny little boy, with messy hair in desperate need of a hair cut and a sad look in his eyes.

She just hadn't accepted a kid to appear at her side here.

Right now he was looking at the ADA. "Can I get some sweets?"

Rafael Barba sighed dramatically and then handed the boy a twenty dollar bill. "I want change." He said. "And bring me some chocolate."

With an air of familiarity the boy rolled his eyes.

As if he was used to these commands. As if this was a common banter between them.

"You brought your kid to a bar?"

He snorted at her judgemental tone. "What are you going to do – arrest me, detective?"

"I'm not a detective."

Barba laughed. "See? You can't arrest me." He paused and then became serious. "He's not my kid." He explained. "I have temporary custody of him, because his mum..." He sighed and Olivia could see all of his emotions in his eyes.

Sadness, compassion, anger.

Rafael Barba was such an open book.

"Well, she has some issues. With the law. And with drugs. And now..." Barba sighed deeply. "Now I'm taking this 10 year old kid to Seattle to look at some ferry boats so I can tell him that no one is stepping up for him." The ADA with the green eyes looked straight ahead. "His dad is in prison, his mum has vanished, the grandparents said they can't take him in and I'm...well..." He chuckled. "I'm not fit to be his guardian so he will be going into the foster system after this weekend and there's nothing I can do." Barba shook his head. "He's a great kid, really. But I've never seen him laugh, you know? He's just so damn miserable and there's nothing I can do to fix it."

Empathy was a strange thing for Olivia, because she so full of her own hurt, her own trauma and her own darkness she had problems seeing past them.

But this really hit close to home.

"Excuse me a moment." She said and slipped of the stool.

The little boy was walking back towards the bar. In his hand he was clutching one chocolate bar, in the other he held a bag of sour patch kids.

"Hi." She said and when he looked up at her she could see the vulnerability in his eyes. "I'm Olivia. What's your name?"

"Calvin." He muttered. "But I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."

"That's absolutely right." Olivia smiled warmly. "But I'm not a stranger, I'm a friend of Rafael's." His first name rolled of her tongue as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"He told you that he's not my real dad, didn't he?"

"Yeah." Olivia crouched down in front him. "I'm sorry about your mum."

The little boy shrugged his shoulders in a helpless way and it broke Olivia's shattered heart. He had accepted that his parents had abandoned him.

And he knew that Rafael wouldn't be keeping him. That he would be going into the foster care system.

"Do you know what?" She asked him now. "I'm moving to Seattle today and I heard you're spending the weekend there, maybe we could hang out together, what do you think?"

Calvin's brown eyes grew wide with excitement. "Yeah! Rafa is boring sometimes...he never wants to play basketball with me..."

Despite everything that was going on inside of her she felt a smile spread on her face.

"I'll play with you, but I have to warn you I'm a bit rusty."

The last time she had played basketball had been with Elliot's kids. In Central Park. A summer evening. Her hair had been short. Elliot and Kathy had been sitting at a picnic nearby. She had laughed with the kids, encouraging them. There had been ice-cream, the sky dipped in red from a sunset.

Had she loved him then already?
Had she just lived with all that encompassing love inside of her? Been a bigger person? Smiled at his wife, played with his kids?

"I'd love to play basketball with you Calvin."

The child's eyes lit up and the bruised and torn heart of Olivia seemed to melt.

"Ok." He agreed.

There was a speaker announcement saying that all passenger's for Seattle could board now and Olivia straightened up.

"Let's get Rafa and my bag, then we can go."

Calvin nodded and walked ahead. He handed his legal guardian the change and his chocolate basically without comment and Olivia put her rucksack on her back.

The little boy looked up at her, wearing his own rucksack and slipped her hand into hers.

As if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Can we sit together?"

"Eh...yeah." She said. "Sure."

Rafael Barba was looking at them and was grinning.

Olivia didn't like this grin. There was something knowing and arrogant in it. As if he was privy to a secret and she wasn't.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing." He grinned, grabbing his own small suitcase and leaving money on the bar for his and her drinks. "I'm having something called an ADA's hunch."

Olivia rolled her eyes. Calvin's hand was still in hers. He looked happier than before.

"There's no such thing." She said.

"Yeah." Rafael said in a gentle tone and ruffled the boys hair lovingly. "Yeah there is." He smiled at her. "You'll see."

Happy Monday everyone! I can't wait to here what you think. What do you think about Rafael's ADA hunch? :D Let me know. Thanks so much for your comments and thoughts. And yes, Barba shows up in chapeter 14 because he first appears in season 14, that's how obsessed I am :D Calvin is just a little bit younger than he was on the show, picture him unhappier and cuter :)