They had both ordered some cake and for Dr. Huang it felt like he was just catching up with an old friend.

He hated how much she was still putting Elliot Stabler on a pedestal. But this, laughing talking about the child in her care, this is what he had hoped for her. What he had pictured her life outside of SVU to look like.

"So he didn't get bullied?" He asked.

"No." Olivia answered. "He found friends quickly and he was happy."

There was a shadow in her eyes for a moment and he remembered that she had said she was ready to move to New York again.

Olivia wasn't as broken as she had been.

But he knew without a doubt that there was still sadness and darkness in her life.

"Calvin was fine at school." She said. "It was me who was having problems."

He was sure that the story continued with her loosing Calvin.

"There was a complication." She said. "One I hadn't accounted for."

Three Year Earlier

Chapter 16: Feels More Like Home

Some days I don't feel like opening my eyes

Give me a makeshift backseat bed in this desert life.

Nashville feels more like home to me and that's alright

Broadway's not the same in broad day light.

"Seattle" – Deaf Havana [All These Countless Nights]

"What did you do on Sunday?" Hope asked as she unpacked the donation box she had just received. "Oh! I was hoping we'd get this one!"

I glanced at the book.

It was Carrie by Stephen King. Hope was obsessed with all things Stephen King with such a firey passion I was jealous of her.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so passionate about anything.

"So? What did you do? T-Bone and I helped our neighbors move. It was really sad. We used to hang out with them all the time and the the husband went and got a job in Florida! Can you believe it?!"

The problem was that I couldn't exactly escape this conversation.

There were hardly any customers in the café or the shop and after cleaning the machine once and the counter twice I couldn't really flee from Hope's chatter.

"Calvin and I spent Sunday in the park."

"Right!" Hope beamed.

She did that a lot. There were so many things that made her beam. "Sometimes I forget about Calvin. Did he stay with his dad while you were undercover?"

Only then did I realize I hadn't really explained my situation to Hope.

"Calvin isn't mine." I said. "I'm only his legal guardian until his mother gets her act together. She's a drug addict."

And currently somewhere in the streets of New York.

It didn't happen very often that Hope's sunshine demeanor faltered, but this did the trick.

"Shit." She muttered. "I'm so sorry, that sucks."

"Yeah."

"That's real great of you to just take in a kid like that."

"Well." I said because I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about such a personal issue with this woman, who was my boss at the end of the day. "Calvin started school today."

"Wow!" She exclaimed which shouldn't have surprised me.

Most things were wow or amazing with Hope.

The bell rang, signaling a customer and I almost sighed with relief.

Until I saw who it was.

"Matt!" Hope exclaimed. "It's good to see you! A new Shakespeare edition just came in!" She turned to me. "Olivia, this is Matt, he's one of our regulars."

Before I could say anything the handsome man smiled and it made my heart flutter.

"We've actually met."

Hope squealed beside me and understood immediately:

"You work at Calvin's school."

I'd been convinced I'd never feel sexual attraction for a man again and then I'd met Matt Clare, Calvin's English teacher and a regular here at Hope's café.

"It's good to see you again." I lied. It wasn't good it was nerve wrecking. "Do you want a coffee?"

"Latte." He grinned.

His eyes were blue and blazing. Not like Elliot's eyes, more icy. His smile radiated warmth and joy. I couldn't tear my gaze away from his.

The doorbell rang again, alerting me and finally forcing me to look away from him.

"Hi Cindy!"

The fact that Hope seemed to know everyone by name made me feel like I had moved to a small town and not a large city.

"Hey Hope." The girl muttered and that's when I realized she was the homeless girl who had asked me for money before. She was so young, her face marked with creases, shadows underneath her sad eyes. Her black hair was straight and obviously she had given up on taking care of it. It was greasy and stringy. But I could tell she was beuatiful underneath all of this. Underneath obvious trauma. "Just black coffee please."

I turned on the machine and she shakily put down some coins on the counter.

"How old are you?" I asked. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

Cindy scoffed, pulling her dirty jacket tighter around herself. "What are you, a cop?"

"Well..."

"This is Olivia." Hope interjected rather quickly and her ever-lasting smile was tense. "She used to be a cop and she doesn't know how to switch it off." She gave me a stern look. "She means well."

The girl glanced at me and I smiled as I handed her the steaming coffee.

"I'm 17." She admitted. "Not that that's any of your business." She nodded towards us. "Bye Hope."

When the girl left Hope turned to me.

"Cindy doesn't trust people easily. You have to be especially nice to her."

"She hates me." I said.

"Oh no that's just how she is towards people she doesn't know." Hope smiled. "It took me year until she actually drank her coffee here and didn't take it to go." Hope was smiling and handed me a steaming mug with a heart in the milk foam.

"There you go."

Sighing I took the coffee and brought it to Matt. When I put it down my hand was shaking. If he noticed he didn't say anything. He only thanked me and then continued reading his book.

When I returned to the counter, Hope was giggling.

"He's single, you know." She sighed dreamily. "And really nice."

Dr. Huang was laughing.

Olivia scowled at him pushed her empty plate away.

"So Matt was the complication?"

"Yes." She sighed. "He is until this day."

Huang's eyes grew wide and he remembered what she had initially said about how she was ready to return to New York.

He could only hope that the nice good-looking man hadn't turned out to be yet another disappointment in Olivia Benson's life. He wanted this one to stick, the one to be the one for her.

"Was it very hard for you?" He asked. "Not being a cop?"

Olivia pursed her lips in concentration. "It was at first." She admitted. "But that exact day, I got a call in the evening, from Rafael Barba." She looked up at him. "That call changed everything."

Calvin was basically skipping on the way home. I had never seen him this happy before.

"Justin said I can come by and play with his computer games! He has all the new ones! And the art teacher said that I have a real talent, she said that in front of everyone and no one made fun of me!"

It didn't matter that I was crushing on his teacher like a 13 year old, it didn't matter that I was scared of relationships and even friendships were difficult for me to think about.

It didn't matter that I missed Elliot as if a part of my soul had gone missing.

That sometimes getting out of bed in the mornings was the hardest task of my day.

Calvin was happy, actually and factually happy.

"And in maths I got the answer right! Were you ever good in maths?"

"Eh..." I'd never really been good in any thing. "I was ok."

"Can we order pizza again tonight?"

"Not tonight." I said and heard how motherly I sounded. "On the weekend, ok?"

I liked sounding motherly. Not like own mother of course, but like someone who had a plan, someone who knew what she was doing, someone who put the needs of someone else before her own.

You won't take responsibility for your actions, you're drunk and you act selfishly disregarding everyone else's feelings just because you want something. You're just like your mother.

One of the last things Elliot had said to me had engrained itself into my mind and it tended to replay itself over and over again.

My mother had not chosen to give birth to me. My entire existence had been pushed on her by someone who had hurt her tremendously.

But I had chosen to be here for Calvin for as long as I possible could.

Calvin and I bought pasta and then he helped me cook. He was fascinated by it and was surprisingly helpful.

After dinner I let him watch TV while I cleaned up.

I set up my laptop at the small kitchen table. It was time to go apartment hunting. This place was too small for the both of us. And I was too old to be sleeping on a pull-out sofa each night.

When my phone rang I expected it to be Hope, because no one else would call me. Everyone I had left behind in New York had moved on. Huang was the only one who hadn't and I had told him I would contact him.

"Hello?"

"Good evening, detective Benson."

I rolled my eyes with a small sigh. "What do you want, counselor?"

Rafael Barba laughed. I hadn't spent that much time with him, but I could hear he was nervous.

"How are you? And how's Calvin?"

"We're fine." I gripped the table as a sudden fear gripped me. I couldn't deal with loosing him, I just couldn't. "Is everything ok?"

I couldn't imagine a different reason for him to call and ask about Calvin other than me losing guardianship.

"Yeah, no. Everything's fine." He quickly said. "Sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you, it's just...uh...what are you doing this weekend?"

"Working." I said as I leaned back. "Why?"

"Maybe we could go for coffee?" He proposed and now I laughed.

"You want to fly all the way over here for coffee?"

Rafael Barba and I were something like friends. But we lived in two different States. We'd gotten along quite well during his and Calvin's first weekend here. And then we'd spoken on the phone a lot because of the guardian ship. I was sure we could have been friends in another life.

But I couldn't really picture him and I becoming more than that.

"Well..." I could picture him pacing up and down probably in a fancy, big living room with hardly any personal items. "The thing is, I am interested in how Calvin is doing and I'd like to see him, if he wants to and if it's ok with you."

"Sure..." I said. "I'll ask him."

He was sending of some many nervous signals I just didn't understand why he was calling. If he wanted to stay in contact with Calvin, I wouldn't stop him.

There was a pregnant pause and I prodded:

"And?"

"And." Rafael Barba sighed. "I could really use your insight. I have a new job."

"Are you a waitress in a book shop / café too?"

I could practically hear him roll his eyes and then he took a deep breath.

"Detective." He finally said and I could hear how scared he was in telling me this. "I'm the new ADA at Manhattan Special Victim's Unit."

"Ok." Dr. Huang said, trying to wrap his mind about these new developments. He massaged his head gently. "Ok. Ok. What?"

After the disappointment that was Alex Cabot he had put the Manhattan Special Victims Unit out of sight, out of mind.

Olivia had left and there had been no point to keep up with them.

She was smiling at his confusion and he asked:

"How did that make you feel?"

"I was surprised." She admitted.

"It is surprising." Dr. Geroge Huang was stunned. Rafael Barba had no reason to switch buroughs like this and to work at SVU.

"Yeah." Olivia sighed with a smile as she remembered her initial shock when he had first called her and told her his news. "I know."

"That must have been...Olivia, you must have felt so betrayed."

She actually laughed.

If only Huang knew.

The betrayal was yet to come.

"You know that I will pick you up at any time." I said again. "Just incase you do change you mind."

"I know." Calvin almost sighed. "You don't habe to make such a big deal out of it."

"It is a big deal!"I said.

Calvin was spending his first sleep over with his friend Justin from school. I'd met his parents, both of them were doctors and very nice.

"If anything makes you uncomfortable, just give me a call and– "

"Olivia." He rolled his eyes.

"Sorry."

My inner special victims unit detective was spiralling. How many cases had stated like this? How many parents had said I thought I could trust them. They were friends. I only let him out of my sight for a second...

"Alright." I could hear how tense I sounded and put on a fake smile as I pulled up to his friends house. "Have a good time! I'll pick you up tomorrow."

The little boy didn't get out immediately.

"What's wrong? Did you change your mind?"

"No. Just..." He looked up at me. "You will pick me up tomorrow, right?"

"Right." I promised with a smile and ruffled his hair. "I will be here 10:30 sharp. I promise. And if you want me to come earlier–"

"I'll call you, yeah I know."

I smiled. "Good. Now go and have fun!"

He chuckled and got out. I watched him go up to the house and waved at Justin's Mum who opened the door greeting him with a warm smile

By the time I got home I had managed to calm myself down enough to actually look forward to tonight. Rafael Barba was coming for a visit. Tomorrow he was taking Calvin out for luinch, just the two of them.

It was nice of him.

Calvin didn't need him to, obviously. But it was a kind gesture.

I'd been surprised when he'd said he'd pick me up at home and even more surprised when he came up to my door.

We were just going out for a drink. I'd expected him to wait downstairs.

"Hey."

He looked different, more serious somehow. But I guessed that's what SVU did to you.

"Hey." I found myself smiling.

There was something about Rafael Barba that put me in a good mood. His open expression when he spoke to me. The fact that he just said whatever it was he was thinking at the moment, I couldn't be sure.

"Do you want a tour?" I asked because neither of us had moved.

"Eh...yeah sure."

It was awkward between us and it was the awkwardness that took my anxiety away. This man was not a predator. He was not going to barge in and attack me.

I had invited this man inside.

He had good intentions. He wanted to be my friend.

"So this is the living room."

It was a large spacious room, dominated by the red sofa in the middle, facing a small coffee table. A TV set connected with an X-Box.

"Nice." He commented, knowing Calvin's love of games.

I grinned.

The kitchen was integrated into the living room, separating it with a small bar with two high chairs. It was small, but it was enough for the two of us.

"Wow." He said when he saw Calvin's bedroom. "Detective, you've outdone yourself."

"Yeah." I blushed. "I went a bit overboard.

Calvin had brand new furniture. A desk facing the window, a new bed with lots of pillows and a blue blanket. A closet filled with new clothes.

He chuckled. "Just a bit."

I rolled my eyes and closed the door again. I wanted what was best for Calvin, I didn't care about the costs, I didn't care about my savings.

For now he was mine and for now I would give my all to make his life as pleasant as I possibly could.

We went back to the living room where he studied the pictures on my wall. There was a small smile on his face, a softness in his features I was sure he usually kept to himself as he saw a picture of me and Calvin he had taken.

"That was the first weekend."

"Yeah." I agreed.

He studied the pictures hanging on my wall in silence. I could see his confusion and for a second I thought I saw his eyes grow large as if in shock, which was absurd of course. I turned to go to the kitchen and get a glass of water when his voice called me back:

"Who is this?"

The question shouldn't have bothered me. I had been the one to put up a picture of Elliot. People would ask about him.

"That's Elliot." I said. "My former partner at SVU." I turned away from the picture. It was too painful to talk about just now. "Speaking of...how was your first week?"

Now the ADA laughed but there was a certain harshness to it.

"Let's go to the bar." He muttered. "I need a drink."

"He came to Seattle?" Dr. Huang was confused. "To see you?"

"To catch up." Olivia needed and lowered her voice: "At the time I just thought he didn't have any friends."

Dr. Huang laughed.

"Also, he was attached to Calvin and Calvin liked him too, so..."

"And you moved?" He asked. There was so much happening in Olivia's life. So much he had missed in the past few years.

"Yeah." She rolled her eyes. "Hope had an apartment free in her the building she was living in. So it made sense to move in."

Dr. Huang nodded.

So far this was the only part of the story that made sense.

The bar was just a few roads down. I explained where the bookstore was, told him about my move to the apartment that was owned by Hope and T-Bone. About how they had lowered the rent for me and wanted us to move in so badly.

"So your boss is your neighbor and your landlady?" He asked as they slipped into the booth. "You're allowed to have other social connections you know. It doesn't have to be one person."

I laughed.

"It's nice." I said and he raised one eyebrow, as if he knew me, as if he realized I'd never been one for deep friendships before.

One person being the exception to this rule of course.

We ordered our drinks, scotch for him, ice-tea for me.

"So?" I said once he'd had his first sip. "Hit me."

The ADA sighed deeply and didn't reply at first.

"I..." He pressed his hands to his lips as if to stop himself from talking and tried again: "I..." I didn't say anything and let him gather his thoughts, having been in just this position many times in my life. How do you talk about this job? How do you take this darkness of your daily life and pass it on to another person in a conversation?

"I thought I knew what I was getting into." He finally said. "I had no idea."

I nodded and sipped my iced tea. Sometimes silence was the best motivator to speak and I could feel that this was one of those moments.

"I don't regret it." He said after a moment's hesitation. "I just didn't expect..." He broke off again and I filled his sentence in my mind.

Didn't expect how much pain I'd be facing, how dark and deranged humans really are, how little I understood before working here.

"I didn't expect to love it as much as I do." He finally said and my mouth fell open in surprise. "But I gotta tell you, Liv." My heart skipped a beat as he addressed me this way, as if we'd known each other for ages, as if we were the best of friends. "Getting justice for the victims, being there with them through this whole ordeal." He nodded. "It's worth it." There was a passion in his eyes, a fire and all the emotion he was feeling. "It's worth every sleepless night, every bad moment you experience with them, because at the end of the day we do what's right."

I was overwhelmed with a jealousy so harsh in that moment I was shaking.

Not of his job.

Not of his colleagues.

Not of living in New York.

"Good." I said. "I'm glad."

I was jealous of his absolute belief in the jurisdictional system.

"Yeah." He took a sip. "And the squad, well everything's a bit jumbled right now. There are two new detectives, Rollins – she's from Atlanta and I don't think she likes me. And Amarao, he absolutely doesn't like me. He's a hot head, but I don't care, we don't have to be friends for this to work."

This made me laugh, because I saw his point.

My meetings would Rafael Barba would end here I was sure of it. This whole thing was too much. Too difficult.

He was a direct link between me and my old life.

The life I had tried to leave far behind me.

The life I had closed the door on forever.

Rafael Barba was looking at me, studying me really with that warm gaze he had.

"What?" I muttered.

"Do you want to hear about my cases?"

The surprise was so clearly etched into his face, when he heard my answer.

Honestly it surprised me too.

"Yes." I said. "I do. Tell me everything."

Dr. Huang wasn't sure what to say and just looked at her. Wasn't meeting Rafael Barba defying the purpose of starting over new? Wasn't talking about his cases the one thing she shouldn't be doing?

"We had an understanding." Olivia explained now, having caught on to the phyciatrist's confusion. "Without having voiced it. We didn't talk about squad members that I knew. He mentioned, once that he knew Cragen, Fin and John." She paused and then added: "John retired, you know."

"I didn't." Huang said gently.

"Anyway, we never talked about...about the squad." She forced herself to breathe calmly. "We talked about the cases mainly."

"Oh." Dr. Huang was surprised. In all honestly he'd expected the Rafael Barba chapter to be closed and done with aftet this meeting. "I didn't realize you talked regularly."

"Yeah." Olivia said with a sad smile. "He came to Seattle almost every weekend."

How she missed him,

How she missed what could have been.

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your reviews! Tell me what you think :) Are you happy Barba is a regular character in Olivia's life? Also can I say again how much I LOVE Deaf Havana? Have a great Monday! :)