Dr. Huang wasn't sure what to say.

He hadn't expected this.

He wasn't sure he liked it.

The entire Special Victims Unit Chapter of Olivia Benson's life had been closed and done with.

"That's your judgmental look." She said with a small smile

"No it's not." He lied and looked away, unable to look her in the eye.

He wanted what was good for her. With every fiber of his being he longed for a happy ending for Olivia Benson.

Two Years Earlier

Chapter 17: One Half of Two

You can have Manhattan

I'll settle for the beach

And sunsets facing westwards with

sand beneath my feet

I'll wish this away

Just missing the days

When I was one half of two

You can have Manhattan

'Cause I can't have you.

"Manhattan" – Sara Bareilles. [The Blessed Unrest]

"You ever been in love like that?" He asked me as we strolled through the city that had become my home.

It was typical for him to shoot out a personal question like that, without warning and expecting an honest answer.

I liked that about the sharply dressed ADA.

I absolutely hated the question though.

"Like the guy kills somebody in front of me, but he sends me flowers so I let it slide?" I gave him a glance and he smiled. "That's not love, that's brainwashing."

And yes, I had been in love like that. I still was in love like that.

It had been over a year that I had last seen Elliot, but he was on my mind more than he was not.
Rafael sighed deeply. "Yeah, I know, but she thinks she's in love." He paused and then admitted: "11th grade. Lauren Sullivan. She could have massacred my entire family. I would've looked the other way.
I knew what he was getting at, obviously, but I couldn't really say that love justified turning a blind eye to murder.

"11th grade." I repeated. "You were 17."

Teenager's were the exception when it came to just how much love could justify.

Rafael nodded his head in my direction. "Micha's 19."

He was right, I realised then. The singer seemed older because she wasn't in high school, didn't act like a typical teenager.

"Speaking of ages." I said ready to move on to the next topic at hand. "Did you get the new Xbox?"

"Did I get the new Xbox?" He repeated with a sly grin. "Liv, I got the Xbox, two controllers and like five games."

I laughed, I couldn't help it.

In the past year that Calvin and I had been living in Seattle together Rafael had become like an uncle to him. He offered to help out in larger quantities as well. He liked financing Calvin. Usually I declined. Money was tight, but life was good.

For Calvin and for me.

"I can't believe it's been a year." He mused. "Eleven is kind of a weird birthday, don't you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "Just, it's a bit like a gap year, nothing special really happens when you turn 11, you're already in the double digits and you're not a teen..."

"You're a pre-teen." I threw in. "That's something."

"Yeah maybe." He sipped his coffee. "Love the new brew by the way."

"I know, right? T-Bone found it online, they're really eco-friendly."

"And five times more expensive?" He grinned.

"Oh, please." I said also grinning.

Since it was our tradition to get coffee at my workplace we never spent any money on it. Sometimes I made it for us, depending when we met up and what my shift was like.

He didn't like Our Last Hope. He had tried to hide it the first time he'd been inside, but I knew he thought my working there was not a good thing.

Rafael had turned into a closer friend than I had initially expected him to be. We talked about his SVU cases, he kept me informed about the victims, asked me about my opinion.

We understood each other wordlessly.

However.

There were parts of me that even Rafael Barba had no access to.

The darkness that still haunted me for example.

The same darkness that made working for Hope an absolute necessity in my life. At least at the moment.

"Hey." Rafael said suddenly. "Does Calvin ever talk to you about girls?"

"Calvin talks to me about the computer games he likes to play and how he hungry he constantly is." I groaned. "All the time."

Rafael laughed. "Well, he's a growing boy, what do you expect?"

I didn't reply and he handed me his reusable cup as we came back to the book-store to hand them back in.

Cindy smiled at me as I handed them over. When she saw Rafael she blushed furiously and turned away.

My heart went out to her.

The ADA was to her what Matt was to me, but unlike me, she was 18 years old and crushing on someone unavailable.

She was not playing with fire on multiple fronts.

"It's Calvin's birthday today, right?" She asked.

"Yeah." I smiled, it was nice that she'd remembered. "We're having a little get together at the apartment, you should come by."

"Can't." She grumbled. "I have a test to study for." The young woman sighed dramatically. "I swear, school is the worst."

I laughed, I couldn't help it.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, Cindy."

"Bye." Rafael said and she just waved at him.

Since working in the face and going to back to school Cindy had become calmer, but good manners were something she'd probably never get the hang of.

Just a few months ago we'd been talking and she had told me how her stepfather had raped her every night starting when she was 12. Finding no one to help her she had run away when she was 15 and had been living on the streets ever since then.

Cindy was the only person in Seattle who knew about my rape. I had confided in her that evening told her that while the fear and the guilt never truly went away, breathing became easier.

I'd helped her get into a cheap program, to get clean. Hope had provided her with a job.

Things were looking up for her.

"So, this get-together..." Rafael started as we walked outside.

"It's you and me, Calvin, T-Bone and Hope. The kid's party is tomorrow."

Just as I'd expected him to Rafael groaned.

"Why can't we just go out for dinner? The three of us?"

"Because, Counsellor, it's Calvin's birthday and all the important adults in his life will be there. Including you and Hope."

He muttered something I didn't quite catch, but I didn't respond. There was something on my mind that I'd wanted to ask him for a while now, but I was scared.

If he said no I wasn't sure what I'd do,

If he said no, then the dream I had been fantasizing about for such a long time would burst.

So we walked home in silence.

I wasn't ready to give up on my dream just yet and I couldn't deal with him saying no.

"You disclosed to the young girl?" Dr. Huang asked. He sounded surprised.

"Cindy, yeah." Olivia rubbed her arms as if she was cold. "Because she told me about her assault and I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone and that she could trust me."

"She was the only one you told?"

Olivia was quiet for a moment.

Her attack was three years ago. She'd been to counselling, she'd had sex again. She had spoken about it on multiple occasions.

For all purposes she had 'moved on' from her rape.

And yet it still haunted her.

"She was the only one, at the time yes. Rafael knew, I mean that first night when we met he said he was sorry for what happened to me." Her heart beat faster, it was a thought she didn't like to entertain, the memory of that terrible time. "He apologised for what happened to me at the trial."

The fact that he knew what had happened made her feel so ashamed. But he was her friend.

At least until recently, she had thought he was.

She had trusted him so fully.

"And Barba, he discussed his cases with you?" Dr. Huang asked.

"Yeah." Olivia nodded, glad to go back to the beginning of their friendship. The foundation they'd had. "And I think we both needed that, you know? I needed to be kept in the loop and he relied on my years of experience."

"Why did he take the job?"

"I never asked." She admitted. "But it fit him, he's so emphatic – " She stopped herself mid-sentence remembering the last time they had spoken two weeks ago.

You know the problem with being an empath? It's too easy to lose yourself when other people need you.

"He was perfect for SVU." She finally said. "He fit right in."

"And he fit in your new life?" Dr Huang prompted with a small smile. He'd heard the past tense in which she spoke, heard a bitterness in her voice, had notice her stopping mid-sentence.

"Well." She sighed. "He did. But there was a problem with Hope."

"Hope, your boss?"

"Boss, neighbour, landlady and believe me I hate this term, but I suppose, somehow along the way Hope became my best friend?"

Dr. Huang chuckled. "Ok, so what was the problem?"

"Rafael and Hope." Olivia sighed. "They hate each other."

"Happy birthday Calvin, happy birthday to you!" My friends and I, some less sober than others sang in a chorus.

The little boy looked uncomfortable being the centre of attention and with a grin I pointed to the large pile of presents that we'd been standing in front of, keeping form his view.

"Woah!" He yelled hurrying forward to unpack them.

"This is from me." I explained showing him the package that contained his own TV. I knew he wanted one desperately and then he could hook up his new Xbox in his own room and play to his heart's content.

As he unpacked it, he yelled: "Liv, is this a TV?!"

"Yes." I smiled. "It's your very own TV, for your very own room."

"Thank you!" He rushed forward to hug me.

I returned the hug surprised. While Calvin had once reached for my hand quickly, he wasn't a very affectionate kid.

"You're very welcome Calvin."

Behind him Rafael smiled at me and raised his glass in a salute. I knew what he was thinking.

We had made it, we had made this miserable kid happy.

"Open our's next!" Hope squealed handing him a parcel that I knew contained two novels and five comic books.

Calvin was so excited my heart swelled with happiness.

It made my decision even clearer than it had been before.

Rafael was watching him with a fond smile and I wished I could just freeze this moment in time and hold on to it just a little longer.

Today was the day.

I was going to talk to Rafael.

I was going to tell him.

"Thanks Hope!" Calvin beamed and she smiled.

"T-Bone actually picked them out." She chuckled and looked at her husband.

I couldn't stand to see the look of love on his face as he looked back at her. They were so happy, so in-sync.

It was painful for me to watch sometimes.

They finished each other's sentences and had entire conversations with their eyes.

As if they read the other's mind.

As if they could anticipate the other's next move.

As if they were perfect partners.

"How about we set the TV up?" I suggested and Calvn was all for it.

While T-Bone and Calvin were setting up his TV in his bedroom I started tidying away the dishes from our little party.

"Tomorrow is going to much wilder." Hope reminded me with a smile.

"I know."

I was nervous and excited about having all of Calvin's friends here. That was a lot of prepubescent boys in one apartment.

"I could stay." Rafael offered as he sat down on the sofa. "You know if you need a chaperone."

"She doesn't need a chaperone." Hope muttered. "Besides, Matt said he could stop by."

Hope would never stop shipping me and Matt.

Shipping was a term she had explained to me very calmly as she laid out why we were perfect for each other.

He and I were both hung up on past loves, but ready for something new.

We were both absolutely invested in making Calvin happy.

And we were both "freaking hot".

"You need to be in New York." I said clearly. Rafael was needed in New York, I loved having him here, but I knew how important the ADA was. He didn't have to stay here for two days.

"And Matt is Calvin's teacher." Rafael said to Hope. "So he's not invited to his birthday."

"What do you mean he's not invited?!" Hope immediately exploded and I sighed.

"Guys, not today, ok? Please. Rafa, go into Calvin's room. See if you can help."

"He won't be able to." Hope muttered. "He'd have to actually get his hands dirty and might stain his precious suit."

Rafael stood up from the sofa and I stepped before him, putting my hand on his chest.

"Please." I said and looked up at him. "This isn't the time or the place."

His green eyes met mine. I could read all of the emotions in them, rage at Hope, but understanding that a fight would only upset Calvin. The softness he kept only for me and the little boy.

Once he was gone I turned to Hope.

"I'm sorry." She muttered. "He pisses me off."

I didn't reply.

I couldn't be their mediator today of all days. I had to think about how I was going to phrase my question to Rafael.

It was a simple question really.

A yes or no question.

"Liv?" Hope said. "Did you hear me?"

"What? Sorry, no."

"Should we cut the cake?"

"Yeah." I sighed and took the empty plates back into the kitchen.

We worked in silence. Hope usually knew when I needed her to stop prodding.

I liked Matt and he liked me. We flirted a lot. But he was Calvin's teacher so he was off limits for me.

His wife had died five years ago.

According to Hope we both had a sad past and that's why we fit so well together. She was convinced. Once she'd even mentioned how she would love to plan our wedding for us.

Sometimes when I was in the mood I let her go on and on about the flowers, the music, the dress...

However it was always a different groom I had in mind.

Elliot, the calm in my storm, my partner, the love of my life.

Sometimes I missed him so much I'd just randomly start sobbing. It came over me like a wave threatening to knock me down and drown me.

I would go to the bathroom in the café and become a shrivelled mess of emotions for ten minutes.

When we finished the cake the boys were all cheering in Calvin's room.

T-Bone was on the floor next to Calvin, Rafael was on Calvin's bed, a controller in his hand.

"Olivia, did you see what Rafael got me?!"

"I did." Smiling I sat down beside the ADA.

Because he had told me in great detail during our walk while we'd drank coffee. Because he was just as excited as I was.

He wouldn't say no, would he?

When I asked him today, he would say yes.

He had to.

"Great." Hope muttered. "More computer games to kill his creativity."

Rafael shot her a glare, but didn't reply.

We ate cake in his room. Rafael and I sat cross-legged beside each other on the bed, T-Bone, Hope and Calvin were on the floor.

"Detective, let's see if you're a good shoot." He muttered and I laughed.

"Bring it on, Counsellor." I grinned.

He hadn't gotten out of the habit of calling me detective. And I had given up on correcting him.

It didn't bother me. He didn't call me Detective Benson. I wasn't Detective Benson any more and in a way him calling me detective was like his personal nickname for me.

"Oh wait if you're shooting Barba, I want a go!" Hope immediately jumped up and Rafael sighed.

"Real mature, Hope."

Sometimes I wondered how things would have turned out if Elliot and I hadn't crossed that line. Would we both still be working there? Would we be working with Rafael? Would be working well together?

What if I hadn't been raped?

What if I still worked at SVU?

To be honest I was pretty sure that we would make an amazing team.

I knew most of his cases.

I had motivated him to prosecute against Manor Hill after he had told me clearly on the phone he was "a prosecutor, not a healer". I had seen his wounds after he had manipulated a perp to show his true self by strangling him in open court. I had hugged him just a little longer when we saw each other after a case where a 14-year-old had been kidnapped by duo calling themselves Peter and Wendy.

He had briefly mentioned one of the new detectives, Rollins, having problems with her sister and I knew it had upset him, even if he kept these things to himself in New York.

He had done everything the same way I would have, he had listened to my opinions, had let me in.

We would have been great together.

Hope scream-laughed as I shot at Rafael's character over and over again. Calvin was giggling too.

"Why are you so good at this?" Barba moaned.

"Well, I used to be a cop." I joked and smiled at my game-enemy, but he didn't return it.

We switched off again and as the afternoon slowly turned into evening I felt my own anxiety spiking up.

I had to ask him,

I couldn't do this over the phone.

We needed to have this conversation while he was still here.

We played for hours, switching controllers so everyone could have a go. When Rafael answered his phone and went into the living room I knew my moment had come, if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't.

"Hey Liv." T-Bone said, not taking his eye off the screen in front of us. "I was thinking, the work you did with Cindy, that was pretty impressive."

"Thanks." I said. "But I didn't do anything. It was all her."

"Yeah sure, but you initiated the entire thing, her working at Hope's I mean." He was still concentrating on the game and spoke in a mellow calm tone. "Things are going well right now, if you find another girl willing to work with us, we might able to help her too."

I was speechless and only then noticed that Hope was no longer here. Calvin was muttering under his breath and he used the controller expertly.

"We made a huge difference in Cindy's life." T-Bone continued. "Hope and I were talking and thought it might be nice to help more girls."

"Sure." I said and stood up. "I'm just not sure how much help I'll be though."

In typical T-Bone fashion he didn't reply instantly. He usually took his time, thinking about his next words for a long moment.

"You'd be a lot of help." It was Calvin who was talking now. "I mean that's what you do." He looked up at me. "I know that because you rescued me."

I swallowed, emotion threatening to take over.

"I'll be right back."

As expected I could hear raised voices from the kitchen and I rolled my eyes.

"You're such a snob!" Hope snapped. "You think you're above everyone else! It's none of your freaking business where Olivia works, she is happy, ok?!"

"She's wasting her talents!" Rafael shot back. "Olivia Benson does not belong in an apron, pouring coffee for people!"

I cleared my throat entering the kitchen.

At least they had the decency to look ashamed.

"Not today." I said. "That's all I ask, don't act like five year old children bickering over a toy for just one day, please."

"I'm sorry Liv." Hope said immediately, emotionally.

"Sorry." Rafael muttered.

He fled the kitchen first and I turned to her.

"He just–"

"Not today, Hope." I interrupted. "We are celebrating Calvin's birthday today."

"You're right, I'm sorry. He just drives me so crazy sometimes." She sighed and when she saw my glare she quickly said: "You're right. I'm sorry."

She left the kitchen to go back to Calvin and I followed.

Rafael was waiting in the living room. He was studying the pictures on the wall.

"You rearranged them." He noticed.

"Yeah."

There were many pictures of Calvin and I. Most of them on a ferry boat. Some here at home or in Our Last Hope, there was one of Rafael, Calvin and I together. Elliot and I. I'd never taken it down.

We studied the pictures in silence and I knew my moment had finally come .

"Rafael?" I asked.

My mouth was dry, my hands shaking. I hadn't been this nervous in a long time. Panic as seeping out of me I was sure of it.

"Yeah?" He turned to look at me and his eyes were full of emotion.

This is it, I thought. Here it goes.

"I want to adopt Calvin." I said and his eyes grew wide with surprise. "Can you help me?"

Happy Monday everyone! The Season Finale has me in ALL kinds of feelings! What did you guys think? And how are you liking this chapter?