"I know how silly it sounds." Olivia said.

The two of them had gone for a walk. The weather was surprisingly nice today. After sitting in that coffee-shop for three hours they'd both wanted to move their feet.

"In the end I was feeling like a teenager who'd gotten her heart broken." She lifted her shoulders helplessly. "I just couldn't get over him."

Dr. Huang had heard the past tense she was using and wondered if she meant she hadn't bee able to get over him because her story had happened two years ago or because she actually was over Elliot Stabler now.

He looked at her with a small shake of his head. "Of course you couldn't." He said. "He never gave you any chance at closure, did he?"

"I suppose not." She agreed.

"You never tried to find him?"

Olivia's eyes were wide with fear as she shook her head.

No, she'd never dared to try and find him.

"I guess I thought..." Despite everything that had happened she could feel her heart race in her chest the way it always did when she thought back to that weekend. "I always imagined if he wanted to find me, he could."

There was a sceptical look in he former FBI-agents eyes now. "Because he's such a great detective?"

"Well." She chuckled. "Yeah, but also because Seattle was our dream. I romanticised this entire plot where he would come to find me and he would know where to look."

"I understand." George said, because he did understand. He knew how easily a broken heart could get lost in romanticised plots.

"I'm sorry to impose like this." He said. "But you said you had a physical relationship with someone at some point?"

"Yeah." Olivia sighed. "It just happened. It was the heat of a moment." She blushed but didn't look uneasy.

Dr. Huang looked at her, waiting for her to elaborate.

"I don't regret it. But it drove a wedge between me and Rafael." She looked across the sea, watching the ferry boats that she had become so accustomed to. "I do regret that."

Looking back that had been the first blow to their friendship. If she'd seen him for what he was back then she could have saved herself a lot of trouble.

One Year Ago

Chapter 19: A Longing Inside Me

But I'm feeling a longing

inside me

And I'm taking a road

I've never seen

closer to you.

"Closer to You." - Jaylene Johnson [Closer to You- Single]

"It's not that I hate Amaro." Barba was saying. "He's just a bit too much sometimes."

"Really?" I grinned. "Is he dramatic all the time?"

"I am not dramatic!" Rafael snapped, getting the hint immediately and I burst out laughing. "I just think 13 is a big deal that's all."

"It is." I agreed. "My son is officially becoming a teenager."

"Has he come out to you yet?" He asked casually as he drank a sip of his coffee.

"No." I rolled my eyes. "And I think you're way off."

"Uh-huh." He muttered. "You'll see, he'll be bringing his first boyfriend around any minute now."

"He won't be bringing any one home any time soon." I disagreed. "He's not interested yet."

"He's turning 13 today, so I'm sure he will be."

"Anyway." I said because Calvin's birthday party had me in all kinds of nerves. "I'm sorry that happened with your friends from home."

"It's fine." He muttered. "I just wish Yelina hadn't dragged the past up like that."

I touched his arm gently.

One of the cases had hit a bit too close for Rafael. The people he had grown up had been mixed up in it and ended up accusing him of not staying true to himself.

"Remember." I said. "Hope hasn't been feeling herself lately, so don't–"

"I know." He said gently. "I'll behave, I promise."

"Thank you."

We were hosting Calvin's party in the book-store. Hope had baked a cake for him and we were decorating it today, just before the kids arrived from school.

"So we're going to chaperone them and take them to the movies?" Rafael asked. "Do we have to watch it with them?"

I rolled my eyes. "Do you want to wait outside for two hours?"

"No." He muttered. "But you know...I don't really belong there, do I?"

"Rafa." I said gently. "He is my adopted son and you are the one male figure he has to look up to. You want to be there, ok? These are the big moments."

"Ok." He said. "You're right."

"I know."

"Your new job has made you cocky."

I pushed him gently. "You're the one who said that I should take it."

I was working as a victims advocate and guidance counsellor at the Joyful Heart Foundation. And I truly was starting to feel like I belonged somewhere again.

Rafael didn't reply. He had a weary look in his eyes as he looked towards the book-store.

"Is that why Hope is so down?" He asked. "Because you left?"

"No, I mean Cindy is her right hand woman. She keeps on bringing in new girls too. There's enough help. And we live next door to each other. I see her every day."

But Hope had been acting strange lately. She usually came over every night and hung out in my living room. She was happy to a point of annoyance.

Lately she had been quiet.

And T-Bone had barely been in the shop. I knew he was busy distributing the coffee, but it was unusual of him to avoid me and Calvin.

Despite what I'd just said to Barba, T-Bone did play a role in our lives. He and Hope both came by regularly, ate dinner with us, played games with us. Every now and then they'd even come on a day trip on a Sunday.

"Just be nice." I said, drowning my coffee.

"I'm always nice."

I rolled my eyes.

We went inside and were greeted cheerfully by Cindy. She was dating a man she had met at Joyful Heart. He was training to be a detective and was called Riley.

Hope had been over the moon with happiness for two of them and she wasn't the only one. But that had been months ago.

"This is Ellie Porter." Cindy said and gave me a look that made me nod once.

Cindy regularly patrolled the streets, finding people who needed help. Most of them were addicts, not all of them were victims.

When she looked at me like this they were victims though.

The girl, Ellie, had a sad look about her. There was a darkness in her eyes, the kind I knew all too well.

"Hi." I said. "I'm Olivia."

"Ellie." She muttered and as I stepped around the counter saw that she was heavily pregnant.

"Oh." I said, unable to hide my surprise. "Wow."

"Yeah." She muttered, putting her hand on her stomach. "I know. He's due in a few weeks."

"Shouldn't you stay off your feet?" Rafael asked and I realized he was backing away.

Babies freaked him out, I knew that.

"Shouldn't you be minding your own business?" Hope had joined the conversation, coming in from the back.

He was about to retort, but I sent him an angry glare and he closed his mouth again.

"You can help me set up the tables." I told him. "We're going to need three for his presents." I turned to Ellie. "It's my son's birthday party today." I explained. "He's going to be 13."

"Thirteen." She whispered. "Wow."

She must have been 18 at the most. She looked 15. She put her hand on her round stomach again and looked down sadly.

"So you've been through this then?" Ellie looked up at me with large scared eyes.

"Eh no." I admitted. "Calvin, my son, I adopted him."

"Oh." She seemed disappointed and I couldn't even blame her.

"How did that make you feel?" Dr. Huang asked.

The rain this city was so famous for had started after all, so they'd ducked into a different café.

They'd each ordered some food and Olivia was grateful for the large portion of fries in front of her. She'd really started to get hungry.

"Terrible." She admitted as she ate.

"Because you couldn't help her? Didn't share her experience?"

"Yes." She said. "But also because I was so jealous."

Dr. Huang looked at her surprised.

"Calvin is my light." She admitted. "He is my destiny and my son." She sighed. "But I wanted a baby."

The noise that seven boys could make was amazing. I knew Rafael was at his breaking point and couldn't wait until we got to the movies. Just to get them to stop talking.

"Hey." Hope whispered beside me as she took the dirty plates I handed her. "Look, would it be ok if I ducked out early? You don't really need three adults at the movies do you?"

"No." I said. "That's fine. Are you ok?"

"Just tired."

Hope had been 'just tired' for the past few weeks. Something was up, but if she didn't want to tell me about it, I wouldn't force her.

Behind the counter Ellie was filling up the sugar jars and I was sure she was listening. She had decided to stay for the party and had congratulated Calvin with a surprisingly warm smile.

"How are they eating this much?!" Rafael muttered as he came to join us "I just watched Justin eat five slices of pizza."

I laughed. "You were a growing boy once, don't you remember?"

I looked at Hope, waiting for her to say something about how he was still a growing boy. But she wasn't even listening.

Rafael waited for her quip too.

"Anyway." He finally said. "I think they're almost done."

"Yeah." I glanced at the clock. "We should get going soon anyway."

"Great." Hope put her towel down. "I'll wash up and then go home."

"What?" Rafael muttered as Hope took the last of the plates to the back kitchen. "Why doesn't she have to go to the movies?"

"Big moments." I repeated with a smile, patting his shoulder. "You get to go to the movies."

He rolled his eyes in a way that reminded me of Calvin. The three of us did spend a lot of time together and copied each other's mannerisms.

"What's the plan? Should we get going?"

"Yes." I said with a glance at the kitchen, where Hope had vanished, wondering if I should check on her.

"The movie starts in half an hour." Rafael said, having read my mind apparently. "Talk to her later?"

"Or tomorrow." I agreed and turned to Ellie. "Thank you so much for your help. I'm sure Hope can close up by herself."

"Ok."

"You should come back." I said. "Maybe we can find something permanent for you. It's not much, but it does pay the bills."

Behind me Rafael stepped away, knowing full well that his presence wasn't helpful when having these sort of conversations.

"Ok, yeah maybe." She looked uncomfortable. "I'm not sure I'm gonna stay in Seattle." She lowered her voice. "I'm actually from New York."

My thoughts immediately went into a very dangerous direction of In another life...and I quickly pushed them aside.

This wasn't about me.

"Well, if you decide to stay, you're welcome here."

"Thank you." She looked surprised. "You're all really nice." With that she slowly turned around to help Hope in the kitchen.

When I turned around I almost bumped into Calvin.

"Calvin!" I pressed my hand against my beating heart. "You scared me!"

"You're not my mum." He said without preamble and I felt a deep hurt in my chest.

"No." I said softly. "I'm your adopted mum though and you're my adopted son."

"Yeah." He actually rolled his eyes. "I know." I knew this boy well enough to know he wasn't ungrateful so I waited a moment, while he shuffled his feet nervously and looked at the ground. Outside the café Rafael was looking at us with a worried look.

"Can I call you Mum?" Calvin asked and looked up at me. "Or is that weird?"

Don't cry, I told myself, play it cool.

"Of course you can!" Playing it cool was hard. "Whatever you want."

"Ok. Then I'll call you Mum."

My heart swelled with love for him and I stepped closer.

"Mum." He said. "All of my friends are outside."

I laughed and pulled my arm back. "Ok fine, I'll hug you when we're home ok?"

"Ok." He grinned. "Now let's go, we're going to be too late!"

"I'll be right there."

I needed a moment to let this sink in. So I turned around again, so the others waiting outside wouldn't see me happy crying.

When I did turn around I saw Ellie standing in the kitchen doorway.

Judging by her wide eyes she had heard the conversation.

"I started regretting having taken the pill after my rape." Olivia leaned back in her chair, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

Dr. Huang was surprised by this. "Would you have been able to raise your rapists baby?"

"I don't know." She admitted. "This isn't something you can know before you're actually in the situation. I just...I had so much love inside of me, you know?" She was the surprised one when he nodded at this. "And I love Calvin, so so much. I don't regret adopting him and he does fulfil me, but..."

"There's something missing." Dr. Huang said.

"I just wanted the full experience." Olivia leaned forward. "And I wanted to have a child I knew from the start."

"Olivia, you lost the job that had defined your identity for 11 years, your home, your partner and the love of your life." He gave her sad smile. "It's completely fine that you felt like you were still missing something."

"Yeah." She whispered. "Yeah that's how it was."

My mind was whirling.

Calvin was calling me Mum. Of course he was my son from the minute I'd signed the papers, but hearing him call me Mum was another level.

The boys had chosen some action film and I was bored watching two young police men chase one very lucky and quick drug dealer.

Everywhere I went I saw babies.

My arms longed to hold something small and warm. A tiny person who was still brand new.

I blinked my tears away in the semi-darkness.

Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had?

I had an amazing job, great friends and a wonderful son.

But the ever-present question of what if...plagued me once more.

What if I had gotten pregnant? What if I could have had it all? A two year old little toddler and Calvin?

"Liv?" Rafael leaned in beside me. "You ok?"

"Fine."

"This movie sucks."

I laughed and then shushed him.

Having the ADA so close beside me helped my anxiety and stopped my spiralling. He was good like that. Matter-of-fact, straight-forward and always to the point.

"I want something to drink." He muttered. "Sidebar?"

I glanced at the boys who were all staring at the screen in complete fixation and then nodded. They would be ok for a few minutes.

The second we were outside Rafael asked: "Are you ok?"

"I'm..." I sighed deeply. "I'm not sure."

He raised one eyebrow questioningly and I gestured for him to follow me to the stairs outside the theatre room so we could sit down.

"Calvin asked if he could call me Mum."

Rafael wasn't surprised by this. He did seem confused by my mood though.

"And that makes you sad?"

"No." I laughed. "No of course not. I'm really happy about that."

"But something is making you sad?" He looked at with that perceptive look he had.

Rafael and I were close. Closer almost than I was with Hope, because he knew dark parts of me. He understood the Special Victim Units part of me that Hope would never have any access to.

But this was still not something I wanted to talk to him about.

"Can I help?" He asked instead as he realized I wasn't going to say anything.

I had to laugh. "No, it's uh...no you can't help." What should I have said? Asked him to make a baby with me? I patted his knee. "I'll be alright, Rafa. It's just a mood I'm in, don't worry about it."

He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but then closed it again. Obviously changing his mind.

"Let's go back inside."

I stood up, but Rafael didn't move.

"I'll be right there." He said, sounding contemplating. "You go on in."

Only when I was safely beside my son did I realize I'd never returned the question.

I'd never asked him if he was ok.

"What about your relationship status?" Dr. Huang asked gently. "Was there anyone special?"

"Not really, I mean between work and being a single mum there's only so much a girl can do."

He nodded and smiled at the waiter as he took their empty plates away.

"You mentioned a complication earlier today."

"Matt." She sighed. "Yeah. He's..uh...he was Calvin's teacher. He looked out for him and even wrote a letter of recommendation so I could adopt him." Olivia's cheeks were burning.

"Did you ever think about it?" He asked. "Actually entering a relationship with a new man? Loving someone else?"

"I thought about it a lot." Olivia admitted. "I met a lot of people through work. But it was too difficult." There was a sad look in her eyes. "No matter how perfect the men seemed to be. They just weren't Elliot."

The boys were chatting excitedly as we left the cinema. Their parents waited outside to pick them up and one of the mothers had brought her little baby, obviously the younger sibling.

I did my best not to stare at it and noticed Calvin's sad look as well.

"Hey buddy." I said, putting my arm around his shoulders. "Rafael is going to take you home and I'll stop by the store to pick up your presents ok?"

"We can help." The ADA said immediately.

"No, it's fine."

I needed a second to myself. Just one moment to feel this loss and then I could go back home and get over this whole ridiculous thing.

I didn't need anything else, but the life I was living right now. I had Calvin, Rafael, Hope and T-Bone. I was working with victims, making a difference in a city I had grown to like.

It wasn't home.

It would never be home.

But things were ok.

As I walked back to Our Last Hope I felt tears burning in my eyes.

I missed him so much. I missed his humour, his voice and the fact that he'd had the experience of having babies five times was enough to make me sob quietly.

And I hated that I knew nothing about his life. Uprooting his kids and his family and taking them to Italy?

Although I had thought about it countless times I'd never googled him, never tried to find him. What should I have said anyhow? I'd never forgotten the last time we had spoken to each other. The things he and I had said.

Sorry isn't going to cut it. Whatever we had it's gone. There's no way back.

It wasn't like we could go back to being friends. Send each other pictures of our kids? Talk about work and life?

"Olivia?"

I almost dropped the key to the store and turned around to see Matt standing there. Calvin's English teacher.

"Oh, hey." I sighed in relief.

Matt was easy to be around. I liked him.

"Hi." He smiled his easy going smile, the one that was so contagious. "I uh was hoping you'd be here." Only then did I realize he was holding a gift-wrapped package. "I got something for Calvin, I hope that's ok."

"Sure!" I unlocked the door. "I was just picking up the gifts actually."

He asked about Calvin, about the guests, about the movies.

Matt had always been a great distraction in the past two years. He was authentically interested in Cavin's well being. He listened attentively and he was great with kids.

He helped me load all the presents into Hope's car. She had left it here for me for this exact purpose.

"I got him a book about a wizard I think he might enjoy." Matt said and when our eyes met I felt my heart flutter in my chest in a way it hadn't for a long time.

"Great, thanks." I looked away briefly and then asked: "Do you wanna come inside? For a night cap?"

"Yeah." I wasn't surprised how readily he agreed to this.

The shop was different at night, when it was officially closed. We left the large light off so we wouldn't attract customers and I made him his favourite type of coffee.

"Matt?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" He looked up from the mug. He was on one of side of the counter, I was on the other.

"Do you ever...do you ever think about having kids?"

He smiled and dropped his gaze. "I used to. My wife..." He took a shaky breathe. "My wife Linda and I we...uh...we wanted kids. But she died." He looked up at me now. "Six years ago. Breast cancer."

"I'm so sorry."

Hope had told me about Linda, but I'd never talked to him about it directly.

"And after that I just never..."

"You never met someone again with whom you could picture it." I finished, knowing the feeling all too well.

"Yeah." He admitted. "Why?"

"I..." The thing about blue-eyed gentle, polite Matt was that it was hard for me to lie to him. "I just think about it every now and then, that's all."

"But you have Calvin." He reached to pat my hand. "You will always have him and he's a great kid."

"He is." I agreed. "I love him more than anything."

"You inspire me, you know. The way that you took him in and love him as your own."

"It was a long road." I said and I didn't just mean the adoption process. Losing Elliot, the rape, the trial, losing my job...all of my darkest parts had led me to becoming a mum to this boy. "But it was worth it."

"I bet." The way he talked, the way he looked at me...he reminded me of Elliot so much my heart ached. "You are amazing, Olivia Benson."

We leaned in at the same time and he kissed me.

"We did it right there behind the counter." Olivia admitted her cheeks flushed red. "It was just..."

"Heat of the moment?" Dr. Huang chuckled.

"Yeah." She blushed deeply.

"And you felt safe with him? It was a good experience?"

"It was." She sounded surprised. "It was the first time since..." She swallowed. "Since that night."

"Did you regret it?"

"Well..." She dropped her gaze. "Not at first."

I got dressed in high speed. The others would be waiting for me.

"You should go." I said to him. "I'll see you Monday, ok?"

Matt was surprised by my abrupt tone, but he was Calvin's teacher and if Calvin somehow found out about this it would upset him.

"Ok." He agreed, obviously coming to the same conclusion as I had.

Once he left I cleaned the floor we'd just been lying on, ran my fingers through my hair and then locked the store up and drove home.

When I arrived I wasn't surprised to find Hope sitting in the living room.

"Hey." She'd been crying.

"Hope." I sat down beside her. "What's wrong? Did something happen?!"

She understood what I was getting at and shook her head.

"No. I mean nothing bad happened." She sniffled. "It's T-Bone. He...uh..." She sobbed. "He left."

"What?!" I basically threw myself beside her on the sofa. "What do you mean, he left?"

"He met some girl." She whispered. "Hazel or Hannah or something and he said he fell in love with her."

"Hope, I'm so sorry." I pulled her into a tight hug.

"We've been having problems for a while now." She said. "And I was scared he'd be having an affair, but...but this?" She sobbed. "And then he told me today of all days! On Calvin's birthday!"

"I'm so sorry." I repeated and stroked her hair. "You don't deserve this."

"Can you..." She wiped her eyes. "Can you tell me something to distract me? Please? Anything?"

If my heart hadn't been so heavy with the news she'd just delivered I would have laughed.

"Actually. I can." I took a deep breath and braced myself. "I slept with Matt."

"Were you proud?" Dr. Huang asked as he sipped his tea he had ordered.

"A bit yeah." Olivia admitted and blushed. "It was felt like a milestone."

"It is." He agreed. "Were you worried about what this would mean for your friendship?"

"I was worried about Calvin." I admitted. "Because Matt was his teacher. But I wasn't worried about anyone else."

The FBI agent lifted an eyebrow questioningly.

"Rafael was still in the apartment." I said. "And I didn't realise that until he stormed off."

"Wait!" I called after him as I chased him into the hallway. "Would you just stop?"

"No!" He snapped, his green eyes blazing with emotion. "What were you thinking?!"

Well, I wasn't really.

"Look, Matt would never use this against me or Calvin–"

"He's Calvin's teacher!" Rafael snapped, by now we were on the street. "You couldn't have slept with anyone else? It had to be someone who actually matters to your son?!"

"If you would stop shouting about it, then he will never know!" I hissed. "Stop making so much of a big deal out of this." I remembered our playful banter just hours ago, when I'd accused him of being dramatic.

There was nothing playful about this.

Rafael looked at me with what I could only describe as a disgusted look and then he announced:

"You and I are done talking."

Dr. Huang tried to keep his expression mutual.

He had heard the bitterness in her tone. Had realized that she and Barba had had a falling out at some point.

He just hadn't expected it to be over this.

It made him angry that this positive experience she had managed to make all by herself was being twisted into something she'd loose a friend over.

He hadn't realized Rafael Barba was in love with her.

Happy Monday! What do you guys think? Thanks for your insights, comments and suggestions!