Chapter 22: I See It Now

I see it now

It's not what I need

Because a saving grace never came along for me.

I see it now

And I'm asking for help

But only I can fix myself.

I see it now.

"Anemophobia Part 2" - Deaf Havana [All These Contless Nights]

Lieutenant Elliot Stabler was having one hell of a day.

First his five-year-old had confided in him that he actually liked his 'other daddy' better, then his ex-wife had tried calling him three times, which was never a good sign and finally Eli's teacher had held him back this morning to talk to him about 'Eli's angry moments' making him essentially late for work.

"Morning Lieu!" Carisi, his newest detective greeted him with a grin. "You're late."

"I know." He muttered.

He'd never gotten Carisi out of the habit of calling him Lieu and now it was too late. According to Rafael he secretly enjoyed it and that's why he'd never bothered to correct him.

"Oh, Elliot, good you're here!" Amanda jumped up from her chair. "Listen, we arrested Jenna's uncle this morning."

"Right." He rubbed his face, he needed coffee.

Five cups. Or just an IV straight to his vein.

"Rollins, Fin you go and talk to the mum again. I'll cal Barba." His phone rang again and he sighed deeply. "After this, I'll call Barba." He hurried into his office and closed the door. "Yeah?"

"Hi..."

Oh it was this voice. The questioning hi was a specialty of Kathy's and it always meant she wanted something. He tried to keep his sigh to himself.

"I'm really busy, Kathy, so–"

"I'll get straight to the point!" She practically sang. "Kevin and I want to go to Italy this summer, so I wanted to know which weeks suit you best?"

Breathe and count to ten. He instructed himself, using the tactics Dr. Lindstrom had taught him. "Kathy, I don't really care about your vacation planing."

She laughed at this. "I know you don't, but we want to take Eli with us."

His heart sank at the mention of their son's name. As the youngest by far he already had a special and unique role in this family, additionally all of his other kids had grown up in a semi-stable household. Eli was the only young child of divorced parents.

"We were thinking three weeks with us and then you could take him for three weeks."

"Three weeks is a lot." He muttered.

"Well..." Elliot knew his ex-wife well enough to know that she was trying her best to stay calm and diplomatic. "You are allowed to take a vacation, you know."

"I know." But three weeks was a long time to leave Fin in command. He trusted his squad and he believed in their abilities. But three whole weeks? "I wouldn't know where to go with him to be honest."

For a fleeting moment he thought of Seattle, of the ocean. Of ferry boats.

Of the dreams he had once had.

A life-time ago.

"You could figure something out, I'm sure. Would you–" She stopped herself and Elliot sighed, he didn't have times for unfinished sentences.

"Would I what, Kathy?" He tried to sound calm like she was, but he was already behind on his daily work and late for his first appointment. "Get to the point, please. Just say whatever you need to say."

"Would you mind if I took him on vacation for three weeks, even if you couldn't?"

"No." He said even though he did mind just a little bit, but he knew Eli would love going to Italy with his mum and Kevin. So for him he would swallow his pride. "Go ahead."

Kathy sighed, relieved. "Thank you so much Elliot! This means a lot to me."

"I know." He did know and he was glad he and his ex-wife could talk about these things so rationally. Glad that she was so happy and that his feelings for her were so long gone he didn't care who she was with or how long they were gone for.

"How are you?" She asked now. "Is it difficult with Monique being gone?"

"Kathy I need to go." He said, because no matter how well they got along talking to her about his ex-girlfriend was not an option. "I'll talk so you soon, ok?"

"Bye!"

He hung up and took a deep breath, massaging his temples.

Maybe a three week vacation wouldn't be such a bad thing. He could even invite one of his older kids to come along. The twins had left New York after high school, studying in Minnesota. They texted and sent pictures regularly.

Especially since his recent break-up.

He looked at his clock and sighed.

He was late, he had to leave right now.

Just then his phone rang and the name Alex Cabot lit up on his screen.

For a moment he froze.

He hadn't spoken to Alex Cabot in three years. He'd rarely thought about her. For a moment he thought of answering the phone, but then he turned around and left.

He was late.

"So." Dr. Lindstrom said as he sat down opposite him. "How have you been?"

It had taken them a moment to get into a routine where Elliot actually could talk about his emotions. As it turned out the question, how does that make you feel was not doing the trick for him.

"Eli has anger issues." Elliot muttered. "And Kathy wants to take him on vacation for three weeks."

"And you don't want that?"

"Well, no. I don't know."

Dr. Lindstrom raised his eyebrow questioningly and looked at him with what always seemed like a judgmental look.

"I'm not avoiding the question." Elliot said honestly. "I just found out five minutes ago, that's all."

"Ok." The psychiatrist smiled. "Let's rewind then, what did you want to talk about today? Before the anger issues and ex-wife set in?"

He thought for a moment, trying to recall.

"The weekend was good." He said. "With Eli, I mean. We spent a lot of time at the park, played outside, I even left my phone at home."

"Good." Dr. Lindstrom said with a smile. "Any flashbacks? Or nightmares?"

Elliot dropped his gaze, staring at his shoes.

"There's no shame in either, Elliot."

"I know that." He looked up. "Yes." He finally said. "I had the reoccurring nightmare."

"Where Wheatly breaks into your apartment and attacks you?"

"Yes." He shifted in his seat. "After he shoots Eli, he tortures me."

The doctor nodded and made a note on his notepad. Elliot had given up trying to figure out what he was writing down. It wasn't like it mattered anyway. His attack had been a year ago and he had been cleared for duty.

He was only continuing the sessions because he wanted to be a better father for his kids. Wanted to work on himself. Wanted to help himself

"I broke up with Monique." He said and he could tell see the surprise in Dr. Lindstrom's face even though he tried to hide it.

Monique Jeffries had showed up in his life two years ago. Coincidentally she was working as a UC and their cases had been interrelated. He hadn't really been all that interested in dating her at first.

Love had played a peculiar trick on Elliot Stabler.

After loosing Olivia the way that he had, he and his wife had given their marriage their all. Each of them had put so much effort into it.

They'd moved to Italy, fulfilling a life long dream of theirs to live in Europe.

They hadn't been unhappy.

They had gone to marriage counseling.

They had tried.

And then Kathy had fallen in love with Kevin, their marriage counselor.

Elliot had laughed when she had told him.

It was karma.

It had to be.

It was a joke of some sort.

She had told him, sobbing how sorry she was, how she had never wanted to hurt him, it had been the furthest thing on her mind.

But she had fallen so very madly in love.

And Kevin, as it turned out, was just as crazy about her as she was about him.

Elliot hadn't been able to be angry with her.

The passion she described, the absolute and fundamental need to be with the other person, the sheer and undeniable happiness she felt when she was with him.

He understood it all.

He had lived it all.

Who was he to keep Kathy from this?

Why should the two of them live these ok lives when one of them actually had a shot at something great?

Almost at the same time Cragen had given him a call and told him Olivia had left New York and if he wanted to he could return.

And Elliot realized he wanted to.

Things were good between him and Kathy. He was happy for her.

There had been one moment a few years ago when she'd said his name and then stopped herself, as if she couldn't say whatever she wanted to out loud. There had been a strange guilty expression on her face.

But that made no sense.

What did she still have to be guilty about?

What was worse than an affair?

He had let it go.

"What did you say?" Dr. Lindstrom asked, bringing him back to the present. "Did you tell her the truth?"

"That the only consoling thought I have when I have flash backs is Olivia Benson?" Elliot muttered. "That the memory of our weekend together plays in my mind over and over again?" He shook his head. "No, I just told her that I needed space. Which wasn't a lie. She's ready to move in with me, to spend more time with my kids and I'm just..."

"Hung up on the past?" Dr. Lindstrom prodded.

"Yea." He sighed. "I suppose I am."

"Elliot." The psychiatrist leaned forward. "I have been granting you a lot of flexibility. But I think it's time that we do talk about this." He looked him in the eye. "What happened the night Richard Wheatley broke into your apartment?"

One Year Ago

"You goin' home soon?" Rollins appeared by my desk with a shy smile, not wanting to disturb me

"Eh, yeah."

She was looking at me with a cautious look, but didn't say anything.

"What?"

"It's Friday, you don't have your kid, you should go out, have fun."

I chuckled. "I'm too old to go out and have fun."

Besides my best friend always left for his other life on Fridays and I didn't drink. So whatever "have fun" meant for me and Rollins was worlds apart.

She laughed. "I hear ya, Sargent. See you Monday?"

"See you then."

'When she left I leaned back in my chair. I liked the quiet of the precinct. Liked all the possibilities that a quiet squad room held.

Again I had this image of Olivia. In my mind I pictured her the way I had left her that morning before everything went wrong.

I pictured her walking right into the precinct. Walking up to her desk opposite mine, where Amaro usually sat, sitting down and when I asked her what she was doing here she'd say:

"I work here."

As if she'd never left.

As if things had never changed.

Sometime I missed her so much I couldn't breathe.

Right on cue my phone vibrated beside me.

Hey handsome, Monique's text read. You up for a drink?

I thought back to what Rollins had said about having fun.

Not tonight, I texted back. Raincheck?

She didn't reply and I knew she wouldn't. She was used to my canceling our plans or staying late to do over-time. We were very causal about these things. We'd been on a few dates so far.

Fridays were difficult sometimes. Especially when they were slow. Rafael usually left for Seattle and while I liked working with Nick we never really hung out privately.

So over time it was.

Angela Wheatley's case was still open on my desk. I studied her bruised and bloody face. She was beautiful, even underneath all the bruises.

If only I could get her to testify.

If only she would go against that scum bag husband of hers.

All of us had had a heart to heart with her. I'd gone first, then Amanda, trying to connect with her and finally Rafael had put his charm on her.

But she was adamant.

She wouldn't press charges.

Her husband wouldn't do it again.

It had all been a misunderstanding.

Olivia would get her to press charges I thought.

That was one of the worst parts.

I didn't just miss her romantically.

I missed my partner.

My real partner, the one who could practically read my mind. The one who solved all my cases with me.

Stop, I told myself. Let it go. She's not coming back.

I went home that night with a heavy heart. Some nights were harder than others. The second I closed the front door I knew something was wrong.

But my reflexes were off or I was tired or any other of reasons made me freeze. Forced me to freeze.

"Welcome home, Sargent." He grinned, holding a gun level to my forehead.

Richard Wheatley, the abusive husband of my battered victim was smiling, he looked amused.

I dropped the bags I'd been holding and wanted to reach for my gun, but he pressed the pistol tightly against my head.

"One move." He promised. "Lights out."

The last thing I could remember was him whacking the gun against the side of my head.

And then everything went dark.

"Why won't Olivia come back?" Dr. Lindstrom asked in a gentle tone.

Elliot didn't like this question. He wasn't a mind-reader, he didn't even know where Olivia had gone to.

"I don't know."

"What do you think?" The therapist prodded. "You must have an idea."

"I thought you wanted to hear about Wheatley." Elliot muttered. "Not Olivia."

"The two are connected." Lindstrom said. "Now come on Elliot, you and Olivia Benson were inseparable for 11 years, you were in-sync, you knew each other inside out. What are your theories?"

Of course he had theories. It wold be ridiculous to assume he didn't.

"She can't come back." He said and his heart felt so heavy, so laden with grief at these words. "After the lie she told."

"What lie?"

He shot Dr. Lindstrom an annoyed glare. The therapist knew exactly which lie Elliot was talking about, but he wanted the Lieutenant to say the words.

"The lie about being raped." His said and balled his fists.

"Does this make you angry?"

"Of course it makes me angry!" This was why he didn't like talking about it. "Do you know how harmful it is?! Do you know how many lives a lie like this ruins? She even took it to trail after I left!"

He was shaking and stood up to pace the room.

How could she betray all they had worked for so easily? How could she stab each victim in the back like that?

Just to get his attention?

"Do you hate her?" Dr. Lindstrom asked and took the wind right out of his sails.

Elliot sat back down again.

"I tried." He admitted. "I really did, but..."

"But you can't hate someone you love." The psychiatrist put into words what Elliot had been struggling to wrap his head around for three years.

How could he possibly still love her? How could he not let go?

"Elliot." Dr. Lindstrom leaned forward in his chair. "What do you think drove Olivia to tell this lie and go to such extremes?"

He didn't like this question either and dropped his gaze.

"How do you think she felt?"

"Desperate." Elliot whispered as he replayed that last conversation in his head once again. "She must have been so desperate."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded. "And why?"

"Because I drove her to it!" He jumped up again, unable to sit still. "Because I was so scared of her I couldn't bare to look at her. I had my wife come to work because I was so terrified of–" He stopped himself. Not ready to go there just yet.

"Of what?" Dr. Lindstrom asked trying to keep his smile to himself, he was so pleased with Elliot's progress.

"Of giving in." Elliot sighed, pausing to look out the window avoiding the therapists knowing gaze. "Of letting her get close to me, of her hurting me again. I just wouldn't have been able to take it. I mean, she cheated on me."

"Do you regret your actions?"

"I just miss her." He turned around to him. "I miss her so damn much."

"Let me recap. Olivia is gone, you pushed her away. You don't believe she will ever return and this is all your fault?"

"I pushed her to tell this lie." Elliot was adamant. "She lost her career over this. Over our..." He swallowed. "Affair."

The word hurt him because that weekend had been so much more to him, but in the end as Olivia had proven to him clearly that was all it had been.

Dr. Lindstrom nodded. "What happened when Wheatley showed up, Elliot?"

One Year Ago

When I woke up, I was tied to one of my kitchen chairs.

My head hurt, I was dizzy.

"Ah." Wheatley was leaning against my stove. "You're awake." He rolled his eyes. "Took you long enough."

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"What do I want?" Wheatley repeated with a surprised expression. "Huh, well. I always wanted one of those self-massaging chairs." He chuckled and it had such a cold sound that it sent shivers down my spine. "You know how it is, after a long day all you want is a nice relaxing back rub." He started circling his shoulders, making them crack and I struggled against my restraints.

"Now, stop that." He said as if he was scolding me as if I was a kid. Wheatley leaned down, leveling his face with mine. "You really interested in what I want?" He whispered, winking at me.

My skin was crawling. I had to get out of here. Right now. Thank God Eli wasn't here. Thank God he was with Kathy this weekend.

Wheatley straightened up suddenly, theatrically and I flinched.

"I want you to stay the fuck away from my wife!" He raged. "Do ya think you could do that, detective?!"

I flinched, not at his loud voice, but at the fierceness in his tone. This man wasn't here to play games and if I promised right there and then that I wouldn't ever speak to his wife again he would still not let me go.

He punched me so hard I fell to the side, still tied to the chair. Blood splattered on the wooden floor and I remembered how I had played with bricks on this very spot with Eli just last weekend.

Eli who was safe at Kathy's place, who was loved and happy and had no idea what was happening at his second home right this now.

Wheatley straightened me up again.

"You and I, Sargent." He chuckled with a madness in his eyes that reminded me of the worst perp I'd ever encountered, the one who had driven me to finally say how truly felt about Olivia.

Like a ghost from the past, like William Lewis himself, Richard Wheatley grinned.

"We're going to have so much fun."

"I'd like to ask you a personal question."

"All of these questions are personal."

Dr. Lindstrom smiled. "Have you ever cried about what happened with Olivia?"

"Do you think that's my problem?" Elliot almost laughed. "That I don't cry enough?"

"No, I'm genuinely interested."

"I cried once." Elliot said. "The last time I spoke with her because I knew there's no way back. After she told the lie."

Dr. Lindstrom was surprised, Elliot could tell.

It had been directly after he'd left her apartment that night. He'd gone straight to the precinct, put his badge and gun in Cragen's drawer and had printed out the forms to quit.

And in the emptiness of Cragen's office he had just been overwhelmed by grief. He'd actually started sobbing in a way he hadn't in years. Decades almost.

"Did you feel better afterwards?"

And of all the people, Alex Cabot had walked into the office.

"No, not really." He shrugged. "It's not like it changed anything."

She had been shocked and the instant regret had been written all over her face. Despite her obvious discomfort and the overall awkwardness, he hadn't been able to pull himself together.

And when she'd timidly asked him what was wrong he had told her about Olivia's lie. It was the first time he'd been able to talk to someone about the entire story. The first time he'd talked about their weekend together.

We slept together then she cheated on me and when I stopped talking to her she made up a lie about being raped.

The words had come right out of him in a rush, with little to no context, with little to no explanation. He just said the facts the way they had been for him.

Alex asked him if he had just put his papers in and when he said yes she squeezed his shoulder affectionately and said one word.

Good.

"What do you think your problem is, Elliot?" Dr. Lindstrom liked doing this. Elliot would say a phrase and he would then throw it back him.

"That I'm stuck in the past." Elliot muttered. "We've covered this."

"Yes." Dr. Lindstrom closed his notebook now, sitting up. "Because you need to forgive Olivia and you need to forgive yourself."

Elliot frowned.

He hadn't said anything about forgiving himself.

"Closure." Dr. Lindstrom said. "That is what is missing."

One Year Ago

I was in hell.

I was being punished for my adultery and my affair with Olivia was finally catching up to me.

The smell of my own burnt flesh was making me nauseous. The vodka in my system wasn't helping either.

Richard Wheatley, drunk and excited was a big fan of burning me. The joy radiated from him in a way that reminded me of my kids.

Complete and utter joy.

Almost pure if it wasn't so messed up.

If it wasn't about causing me pain.

Everything hurt.

"Let's play a game." He mused and for the first time in 24 hours he was starting to sound tired.

I only muttered incoherently.

I had lost my voice screaming a while ago.

At this point I wasn't sure if it was his luck that no neighbors showed up or if he had murdered them all. I wouldn't put it past him at this point.

"I know what you're thinking." He chuckled, eyes wide. He had taken something cocaine or speed I wasn't sure, I hadn't been able to see. "You're thinking we're already playing a game!" He tapped his finger against the side of my head in what wasn't necessarily a harsh way, but that made pain shoot through me nonetheless, due to my head injuries.

We were playing a game, he had told me that whenever he had first tied me up, however many hours ago that had been, I couldn't tell.

The gun at the side of my head woke me up from my reservoir, breaking through the trance of what had been my foggy thoughts for so long.

I swallowed stiffly. My throat hurt.

Really everything hurt.

His eyes were blazing in a way that made my heart drop in the worst way. This was mania in it's purest form. Mania and evil were staring me right in the eye.

This is it, I thought, this is how I will die.

"Russian roulette is an all time favorite." Wheatley chuckled. "Don't you think?"

I only glared at him.

And then he pulled the trigger.

I flinched and if there was any liquid left inside of me I was pretty sure it would have spilled from me the way it does with small children.

Wheatley bray laughed. "You're one lucky son of a gun, Stabler!" And suddenly he was laughing hysterically. "Son. Of. A. Gun!" He repeated. "See what I did there?!"

I didn't respond and then felt the pistol at my head again.

This is it.

Wheatley swayed back and forth happily as he pressed the pistol so tightly against my skin that it hurt.

"Are you feeling sad?" He taunted. "Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again?"

Olivia. I thought as her beautiful face flashed in front of my inner eyes. Oh Liv, I miss you so much.

"Someone who you would give anything to see just one last time?"

Anything I thought. I would give absolutely anything to see her again, to talk to her, to hold her, to hear her laugh. Olivia, my Olivia, the love of my life. I needed her. If I could only tell her how much I loved her one last time...

Wheatley pulled the trigger.

"Turns out he had actually taken all the bullets out of the gun." Elliot was staring at a point behind Dr. Lindstrom. "But I didn't know that."

"You thought you were going to die." The therapist said matter-of-factly. "He had a gun to your head and you thought of your ex?"

"She's not even my ex." Elliot muttered. "But yeah, I was haunted by her, I needed her by my side so badly."

"Where is she?"

"I don't know." Elliot shrugged. "She left New York. I don't know where she is today."

"Did you ever try to find her?"

He shook his head.

It was too painful to go back there, to try and find the closure Dr. Lindstrom had been talking about.

"Well what do you think?"

"What do you mean?"

The therapist looked amused and then calmly explained: "You must have thought about her." He prompted. "When you think of her, how do you picture her?"

"I don't think of her." Elliot said. "I forbid myself to. It's too painful, it's too..." Too much, he thought, it's just too many emotions and it's too intense, all of it.

Dr. Lindstrom looked at him questioningly, obviously wondering how this sentence was going to end, but didn't press the matter.

"That might be your problem, Elliot."

The lieutenant glared, he wasn't sure he liked this statement which made the therapist chuckle.

"For this week I have a task for you." He said with a knowing smile. "I want you to picture Olivia and then I want to talk about that in our next session. What does she look like? Is she in a relationship? Where does she work? Is she happy?"

All of these questions made Elliot's heart accelerate in a bad way. Thinking about her, imagining the life she was living – without him. He wasn't sure he could bear it, but he understood the concept of closure and he wanted to become a better version of himself.

So he had to deal with this.

"Ok." He finally said. "I'll see you next week."

When he left the therapist's office he had three missed calls from Alex Cabot, one text message from Kevin saying thanks for letting us go on vaycay! You rock! And two missed calls from Barba.

He decided to call Rafael back first thing.

"Hey!" The ADA sounded unusually chipper and Elliot sighed.

"Why are you in such a good mood?"

"Because today's a big day! I'm leaving for Seattle for a big event."

Elliot rolled his eyes as he made his way to his car. "Have you spoken to Jerome's family yet?"

This took the wind out of the ADA's sails. Jerome had been murdered in this entire mess after being falsely accused by a victim.

As a father with a bad temper Elliot saw parts of himself in Luke.

"No, we have a meeting later today."

"And then you're off to your secret double life?"

"Yeah." Barba sounded happy.

Elliot didn't know much about Rafael's life in Seattle. He only knew there was a woman there, someone who was Rafael's 'best friend' and she had adopted two kids. He was close with the boy, who was a teenager now and they had actually met because Rafael had been the boy's legal guardian before her.

As a trained detective Elliot had realized years ago that Barba was head over heels into this woman, whoever she was.

But as a good friend he'd never said anything to the ADA.

"Listen." Elliot said as he got into his car. "Can we meet at the precinct? Then we could go over your meeting with Jerome's family."

"Yes." Barba sounded relieved. "We can talk about it over lunch?"

"Sure."

As he drove back to the precinct he tried to do what his therapist had recommended. Thinking about Olivia had been something he had forbidden himself from doing for three years. After he and Kathy had divorced he'd ventured to think about the past.

Like a movie or TV show he knew off by heart he'd flashback to moments they had experienced together. Not just that weekend, but the cases they had worked together. The way they had been in-sync and inseparable for all those years.

But he had never thought about where she was now.

What she looked like?

He had no idea.

Maybe she'd cut off her hair again or maybe it had grown even longer. Maybe she had left the US altogether and had moved to Europe.

He doubted she could still work as a detective anywhere.

Cragen had told him she had left and that had been all the information he'd ever gotten. Nick and Amanda had joined the squad and no one had ever talked about Olivia Benson again.

Not to him at least.

They all knew about his 'former partner' and the name Olivia was whispered in hushed voices when they thought he wasn't around, but no one knew how or why she had left. He'd never spoken to Rafael about her either and he was his closest friend.

There had been a trial, he knew that much.

Dr. Huang had called him and asked him to come. He had said that she needed him that she was taking her rapist to court.

That phone call had damn near destroyed Elliot.

Because this was how far she had gone. He had left for Italy and somehow she still managed to reach out to him and try to manipulate him by telling this horrible lie.

She truly had become her mother. It was something Serena would have done, he was sure of it.

He had let George Huang know what he thought of her actions and he'd never contacted Elliot again.

So no.

He couldn't imagine what she looked like or where she worked or whether she was happy or not.

"Lieutenant!" Fin caught up with him at the elevator door just as Alex Cabot was calling him again. "Neil wants to make a deal."

"No deal." Elliot muttered. This prick had raped his own niece and had talked his brother in law into taking the law into his own hands.

Fin looked like he wanted to say something, but then he didn't. Elliot could tell what the other detective was thinking. That it wasn't exactly Elliot's place to say anything.

"Will Jenna testify?" He asked instead and Fin nodded.

That was all he needed and that was all Barba needed as well, he was sure of it.

The two men walked into the precinct together and Elliot wondered if he could just ask Fin, hey, do you know where Olivia is?

Fin and Liv had been close, once a lifetime ago. Fin had been at the farce that Huang had called a trial. Elliot didn't even know who the poor man was Olivia had dragged to court.

"This guy raped his own niece and dozens of other women!"

"That doesn't mean you get to hurt him, Carisi!"

"Oh, so you've turned into some kind of anger-management-guru now?!"

Fin sighed and Elliot walked right between Nick and Dominic.

"What's going on?"

The two detectives looked at each other and Carisi was glaring at Nick in a way Elliot hadn't seen before. Usually they got along well.

"Nothin', Lieu." Carisi sighed and Nick nodded as he sat down at his desk.

Elliot knew these two men well and wasn't dumb enough to believe there was 'nothing' going on, but he didn't want to press matters further.

Not today.

Just then Rafael Barba strutted into the precinct, defusing the tension they way he usually did.

"Counselor." Elliot sighed in relief. "Neil wants a deal."

"No deal." Barba said causally. "He raped his own niece and talked his brother in law into taking the law into his own hands."

Elliot smiled smugly and Fin rolled his eyes.

It wasn't the same as with Olivia, nothing ever would be. He'd never be so on the same page, so in-sync, but sometimes working with Rafael was like having a partner again.

"When's your flight?"

"Pretty early." Barba muttered. "At five. There's an event tonight, a big one that she's speaking at."

"Is it formal?"

The ADA nodded.

The two men had shared their regular lunch, take out from Forlini's Bar and Rafael was drowning his scotch. He was nervous about his meeting with Jerome's family, Elliot knew.

"Do you miss it?" He suddenly asked, looking up from his glass.

Elliot's gaze went to the liquid in the glass and shook his head.

"Rarely."

Rafael seemed to be contemplating this. "But don't you ever think I need a drink?"

Elliot laughed. "All the time, look at my job."

He had given up alcohol three years ago. Looking back on the disaster with Olivia he had come to realize that if he hadn't been drinking so much in the beginning of this whole mess, maybe things wouldn't have escalated the way they had.

"Hmm." Rafael muttered.

His friend in Seattle didn't drink either. Something he liked to complain about because he didn't have any "drinking buddies to hang around with". Apparently her best friend drank but she hated Rafael with so much passion sometimes Elliot thought Rafael was making this whole Seattle narrative up. It sounded like a TV show his daughter's liked to watch.

"Jerome was murdered by a distraught parent." Elliot said. "And he did try to do CPR we have that on tape."

Rafael nodded seemingly lost in thought. He did that sometimes when an idea or a come back was simmering in the back of his mind. Just as he wanted to start talking the door to Elliot's office flew open.

"What the–"

Alex Cabot stood in the doorway.

It had been three years since Elliot had last seen her, here in this exact office, although it had looked different then.

She had looked different too. She looked like she had aged ten years.

"Elliot." She said with a strange, dispatched sort of voice. "You're a lieutenant now."

"Yeah." Elliot cleared his voice. "Yeah I am. Rafael this is..."

"Alexandra Cabot." Rafael rose to his feet. "Former ADA. Hi, it's a pleasure."

She looked at him as if she only just realized he was sitting there, as if she hadn't realized she was interrupting something.

"Lieu!" Carisi was at the door. "I'm so sorry! She just burst in and–"

"It's ok, Carisi." Elliot said with a smile that was tense and probably made him look more scary than anything else.

"I need to talk to you." She said and he stepped around his table. She didn't look good, she was pale, shaking.

Rafael noticed it too and motioned to his seat so she could sit down.

"I'll give you some privacy."

"No." She gasped reaching out to grab his hand which surprised him and Elliot could see him pull back. "You need to be here too."

"Carisi." Elliot said his voice soft. "Close the door."

Rafael filled up a glass of water for the distraught woman and drained his drink which would have been amusing if the circumstances weren't so dire.

"Are you ok?" Elliot asked as he leaned against his desk. "Are you in trouble?"

She scoffed and accepted the water from Rafael with a weak smile. As she drank the two men looked at each other.

They each had been working at SVU long enough to know what Alex Cabot was going to say and Elliot had to focus intently to stay calm. The idea of someone hurting a woman he knew, had worked with, had been friends with...

"I'm engaged." She said in a clear voice as she set the glass down. "And last night a woman, a young girl came to me and said my fiance..." Her voice shook. "She told me my fiance raped her."

Behind her Rafael's eyes grew wide and he looked at his empty glass with a frown as if he wished it was full again.

"Ok." Elliot said and fought to convey as much calm as he could. "We will investigate. Who is your fiance? And who is this girl? Is there any reason she might make up a lie to harm you? Or him?"

"You don't understand." Alex was shaking her head looking up at Elliot with tears burning in her eyes. "My fiance is Devon Collins."

Elliot had heard this name before. He knew Collins was a lawyer, but not someone who walked in and out of the precinct on a regular basis.

Behind him Rafael looked like he had seen a ghost. His eyes grew wide and he had to steady himself against the wall. He looked pale.

"I..." Elliot breathed out slowly. "I don't understand." He said gently because Alex was trying to tell him something important and he didn't realize what it was.

The tears finally escaped her eyes as she proclaimed:

"He's the man Olivia accused of raping her three years ago." She looked into his eyes. "I thought she was lying, but now I'm not so sure."

The whole precinct was in turmoil.

Carisi and Rollins were working on Jenna's case. Fin was interviewing the young girl, Ashley who had accused Collins of rape.

She worked at his law firm as an intern.

She was 23 years old.

And she was too afraid to press charges. She'd only wanted to tell Alex because of the engagement, wanted to warn her.

Elliot had thrown up twice already. He couldn't sit still and was pacing the small office. He had called everyone he could think of.

Cragen, Huang, Munch.

And he hadn't reached one of them.

He had to find her.

He had to find her right now.

He had read through the files more than once. He had never wanted a drink so badly like he did in that moment.

- Tell us detective, how much time passed between your lie and your alleged rape? -

- 10 minutes.-

- Ten minutes. How lucky for you. Detective Stabler didn't believe your lie, so you decided to accuse the first man of rape that was unfortunate enough to be your next sexual encounter.

- No. That's not what happened, he raped me.-

- You wanted attention, but that backfired. Elliot Stabler fled the country and he's not coming back! He knows your lying and he's wise enough not to ruin his career over this mess! -

- No! Your client raped me! He came into my apartment and he raped me!

She had gone through this all by herself. She had needed him and he had abandoned her in her worst moments.

What have I done? He thought. What have I done?!

Elliot had to find her and tell her he believed her.

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes after he had left her shattered, this monster had come in and raped her. Ten freaking minutes after she had told her lie.

When she had been lying on her apartment floor underneath this piece of crap Elliot had been sitting in his car, making plans for a life without Olivia. Calling his wife.

"Torturing yourself won't help anyone."

He looked up, expecting to see Rafael, but it was Cragen.

"Captain." He sighed relieved and his former boss stepped inside.

"Lieutenant." Cragen said with a small smile. "You ok?"

Elliot just shook his head.

"I didn't think so." The former captain sat down opposite him and Elliot could see how tired Cragen looked.

"I have to find her." He muttered. "I need to find her."

"You will." Cragen said gently. "You have an extraordinary squad, Elliot. You will find her and you will find out what really happened."

"We know what happened." Elliot muttered as he massaged his temples. "Ashley is credible, she said he forced himself into her apartment, overwhelmed her and raped her right there on the living room floor."

The parallels to what Olivia had described were uncannily similar.

Cragen's gaze went to the open file on Elliot's desk and the two men were quiet for a moment.

"There were no other victims." Cragen broke the silence and looked up at Elliot with sad eyes. "No evidence, no outcry witness. And everyone knew about her lie." His face paled. "I...I had seen them together before, they were friends." His former boss swallowed loudly. "What if she never forgives me?"

Elliot didn't answer.

He had asked himself this question over and over again.

But there was one that was much more pressing.

What if she wasn't alive any more?

What if Olivia was dead?

"Ashley Greene was raped two weeks ago, he used a condom and the rape kit showed some bruises and tearing." Carisi pointed towards the picture of Ashley on the whiteboard.

She had done a rape kit at least. But she still wasn't on board with taking her attack to trial.

"Who are the others?"

"Monica Sheridan and Heather Cusac." Both women were brunette with brown eyes and Elliot's stomach turned.

"When?"

"Two years ago and one year ago. They reported a man pushing himself into their apartment. They'd never seen him before. He raped then on their apartment floors."

Beside him Fin flinched and Elliot knew what he was thinking. He too wanted to find her, wanted to beg her forgiveness, wanted to fix what they had broken beyond damage.

"We uh..." Amanda looked uncomfortable. "We think Olivia was his first victim."

Elliot's head was spinning.

How could the ghost of his past that had been a part of his mindset for so long suddenly be right here in this precinct for everyone to see?

"He got away with it and that gave him courage to continue."

Beside him there was a loud thumping noise as Fin hit the desk. Everyone jumped and he muttered:

"Sorry."

Elliot looked a the board again. There was no picture of Olivia hanging there, thank goodness, that would have torn him apart right there on the spot.

He stepped closer to the board, studying the faces of the other victims.

"We did this." He whispered to himself, not caring about the others listening. "These rapes are on us."

He looked at Carisi. "Did you find her?" His voice was hoarse, but he didn't care.

Sonny looked at Amanda, who looked at Nick and Elliot sighed quietly.

"She left New York the day of the verdict." Nick explained in a calm voice. Of course she had. She had basically been banished from her home. "We spoke to her former neighbor, she gave the key and a letter to a Dr. Huang?"

Elliot nodded and beside him Fin stiffened.

"The neighbor said she'd been selling her furniture for weeks and the apartment was cleared out completely when she was gone."

"Did you reach Huang?" He asked his squad and they all shook their heads in a defeated way.

"Damnit!" Whatever shred of hope he'd had was long gone.

What if she had actually killed herself? He probably would have. But then again, Olivia had always been stronger than him...

"Lieu." Carisi's voice was pained. "It's going to be ok."

"How?!" Elliot snapped. "How the hell is any of this going to be ok?!" He heard footsteps approaching and when he turned around he saw Rafael standing beside Fin, who looked as queasy as Elliot felt. "We have no idea how to find Olivia and even if we do find her, there's no way to undo this. Her life was ruined because of this prick and these girls..." He took a shuddering breath. "This shouldn't have happened."

The others looked at him wide-eyed, waiting for commands, waiting for instructions and guidance.

"I don't care what favors you have to pull or how long we're going to be here." He said his voice tight. "Do whatever you have to do, call the freakin' FBI if you have to, but find Olivia!"

The four detectives moved in unison but were all frozen to the spot when they head Rafael Barba's quiet voice.

"There's no need for that." He looked up at Elliot then. "I know where Olivia is."

She's alive, Elliot thought, not able to focus on anything else in that moment. Olivia is alive.

"Where?" Fin asked urgency in his voice.

Rafael was still looking at Elliot and there was something vulnerable in his eyes. Something that looked like guilt. Something that explained his absence all day. Something that made Elliot anticipate the next words he was going to say.

"Seattle." The ADA whispered. "She's in Seattle."

Nick had insisted on coming along and Elliot was grateful for that.

Rafael was a mess, worse even than Elliot himself.

"She has two sons?" He asked once they were in safely on the plane to Seattle.

The plane that would lead him to Olivia.

"Yes."

The same plane that had carried Rafael to Olivia for the past three years.

Olivia, who was Rafael best friend.

Rafael, who was Elliot's best friend.

"You should try to sleep." Nick whispered beside him.

He was worried about him, because the two of them had once been partners and Nick had stood by Elliot during his trail against Wheatley and always had his back.

"I can't."

In just a few hours he would see her again and she had no idea what was coming. Rafael had never told her about him. And now he wouldn't say two words about her. Claimed it wouldn't be fair.

Elliot had been close to pummeling him, but Nick had stopped him.

You need to focus on Olivia. He'd said. You need him to lead you to her.

"Calvin is 14 and Noah is 1." Rafael supplied him with more information now. "She adopted them both."

A smile played around his lips.

He actually did fall asleep with the image of Olivia on his mind with her two kids. Laughing as she cradled the little one, smiling at the older boy in a knowingly, motherly way.

When it was time he was jealous with the ease with which Rafael moved through the city. The absolute certainty he had. The role he had in Olivia's life.

Nick stayed outside as Rafael rang the doorbell.

"Hello?"

Elliot couldn't help it. He gasped loudly. It really was her. It was the voice that had saved him when he'd been at his lowest, the one that pulled him out of his flashbacks.

The voice that haunted him.

The one he had heard every single day for 11 years.

"Hello?" She repeated and she sounded annoyed. "Hope, if this is you, just go to bed, ok? It's late."

"It's me." He sounded sad. "Rafael."

She buzzed them right in, because she too trusted Rafael Barba unconditionally.

As they walked up the stairs Elliot was suddenly overwhelmed by how insane this all was. How he had wanted closure and now just a few hours later he was going to see her.

They walked up a second flight of stairs and he realized that he had absolutely no idea what to say. Just as he thought this the door swung open and there she was.

Olivia.

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