George almost dropped the toddler.

"What?!" Noah giggled in his arms, obviously enjoying the hysterics. "I'm sorry, but what?! How?! Why?! What?!"

"Yeah." Olivia sighed. "That was pretty much my reaction."

Two Weeks earlier

Chapter 23: I thought I knew you

You, I thought I knew you

You, I cannot judge

"Nightswimming" - R.E.M [Automatic for the People]

"Elliot?" The wind was knocked right out of my lungs and I had to steady myself against the door frame.

Was this real? Was he really here?

"Liv." He swallowed, his blue eyes large. He looked scared.

Rafael cleared his throat, pulling us both from our trances and pulling both of our glances towards him.

"Can we come inside?" He asked in a low voice. There was a deep sadness in his eyes.

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Just 20 minutes ago I had been wearing an amazing black dress and now here I stood in baggy black pants and a gray shirt.

"Sure." I muttered as I stepped back.

Rafael carried himself confidently, but Elliot shied away from me as he stepped inside. He took in my living room with large eyes and I felt strangely uncomfortable as he took it all in.

I felt embarrassed and couldn't explain why.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked and wished I hadn't put my hair up in a messy bun.

They both shook their heads and I motioned for them to sit on the sofa. Rafael sat down with ease, after all he was the one who went inside and out of this apartment on a regular basis. Elliot did it more stiffly which I could relate to, because I had to fight the urge to pace my living room.

I looked at Rafael, my best friend, the one who had never wasted time with small talk.

"Devon Collins raped three women." And he didn't disappoint. "In the past three years, the last one was just two weeks ago."

Rafael and I had never talked about my rape, had never discussed details. No one here knew my rapists name. It had been three years since I had heard it.

"Liv?" Elliot whispered.

"Will they press charges?" I ignored him and looked at Rafael, his gaze flickered to Elliot.

"We hope so."

"What do you mean we?!" I hissed, I had to keep my voice quiet, because I didn't want to wake the boys, I couldn't deal with Calvin walking in on what was most probably going to be the most explosive conversation of my life. "Why is Elliot here?"

Elliot was supposed to be in Italy. With Kathy. Living a completely other life. I couldn't read his expression. He looked sad, but I couldn't tell if it bothered him that I was talking about him as if he weren't here.

"Tell her." He said to Rafael with an air of familiarity that made me feel cold.

Rafael swallowed and then looked at me. There was something in his eyes that I hadn't seen so clearly before.

Guilt and fear.

I remembered the last words he had spoken to me just hours ago on the phone.

I am so so sorry

"Elliot has been working at SVU for the past three years." He said and I felt myself transported to another moment three years ago when my life had shattered to pieces.

Olivia, that's the thing. Elliot's not coming.

And another moment.

We find the defendant not-guilty.

And another one.

Elliot put his papers in.

"What?" I said and I couldn't look at Elliot, couldn't bear to see his role in this.

"When I started working at SVU he returned. Cragen retired last year and Elliot is a lieutenant working as commanding officer."

"What?!" Dr. Huang snapped. "What?!"

"Yeah." Olivia reached out to push Noah's hair back from his forehead. "That's basically what I said." She agreed. "Just with a few swear words."

"Well..." Dr. Huang gesticulated towards Noah. "By the way I think I'm doing a terrible job."

"You're fine." She stoked her son's back lovingly. "He likes you."

Right on time Noah squaeled loudly making both adults laugh.

"So..." Dr. Huang said. "How was it? Seeing Elliot again after all this time?"

Once I was safely inside my bathroom I fell to my knees and vomited. All the food I had eaten at the event came right back up.

Luckily I hadn't eaten that much to begin with.

I felt better after that and brushed my teeth.

Then I called Hope, praying she was still up and at least a bit sober.

"Hey girl!" She screamed into the phone making me flinch. "What's up?!"

"Hope." I whispered. "I need a favor."

"Sure!" Her fierce loyalty forced tears into my eyes I wasn't ready to cry just now. How could everything go so wrong in such a small amount of time? How could Rafael do this to me?

"Would you come up?"

She giggled. "Do you want to have a private party to celebrate your great evening?"

Celebration was the furthest thing on my mind.

"No." I whispered. "No, Hope. Something happened."

Only now did she register that something was wrong and switched to a more serious mode so quickly I loved her even more for it.

"Are you ok?"

"Uh..." I laughed and it made me sound manic. "I need to get out of the apartment and I need you to babysit, is that ok?"

"Sure! I'll be right up."

"Wait Hope." I whispered because I needed to warn her. "Rafael is here. And he brought Elliot."

"What?!"

I almost dropped my phone. "Inside voice!" I hissed but she didn't respond. "Hope?"

"What do you mean, he brought Elliot?"

"Turns out they've been working together for the past three years and my rapist raped more girls and I just..." I took a shuddering breath. "I need to get out of here."

"I'm coming!" I could hear shuffling noises. "I'll be right there."

Ok. I told myself. Hope was coming.

I could go outside and face them.

"Liv-" Rafael started but I held up a hand, cutting him off.

"I'm leaving now." I said. "And I want you both gone when I return."

"Olivia." Elliot whispered. "Can we talk? Please?"

"Not right now." I said. "I can't."

There was a small knock on the door and Rafael tensed. I had never been so happy that Hope hated him.

"Hey!" She whispered in a enthusiastic way that only Hope could. "Are the boys asleep?"

"Yes." I reached for my leather jacket, sliding it over my shoulders. "And they should be when I return."

"Well I can't keep them asleep for three days, Liv." She joked. "Or how long is your cruise for?"

I rolled my eyes and she peered around me.

"Hi." She said to Elliot. "I'm Hope."

"Elliot." As if he knew how important she was to me. As if he knew that his name was sufficient enough of an explanation.

Hope kicked off her shoes and undid her hair from an elegant bun.

"Hey." She said causally. "I'm really glad Matt came to the gala tonight, I still wanted to tell you that."

Elliot's gaze met mine briefly and I almost rolled my eyes at my best friend for shooting such a low shot.

"Me too." I said. "I'll see you later."

"Liv–" Rafael tried again, but Hope shot in front of him, blocking him from my view. As soon as the door closed behind me I started crying.

"It was weird." Olivia admitted as the two of them strolled through the park. "I mean just minutes before I'd been thinking about how the wrong people hadn't believed me and the one I desperately wanted to explain my truth to was willing to listen."

Huang smiled sadly. "It is weird. Just like how you wished for a baby and there was one right outside your door. Maybe you have some kind of magical door."

"Maybe." She smiled.

Or maybe, just maybe, for the first time in her life things were turning around for her.

The diner was nearly empty which was a relief, because I couldn't deal with people right now. Loud crowds were my absolute nightmare.

As the waitress asked me for my order I was tempted to say beer or scotch or whatever kind of alcohol she would be able to serve me.

"Miss?"

"Diet Coke, please."

I was shaking, I couldn't help it.

In my apartment all I'd wanted to do was be by myself and now that I was I longed for company.

Elliot, I thought. Elliot, Elliot, Elliot...

He looked different, of course, years had passed.

But I would always recognize him, would always see my soul-mate in him.

Sighing I rested my face in my hands.

"Are you ok?" A man was standing beside my empty booth. He was tall, with a handsome face, brown eyes and dark hair. There was something compassionate in his gaze.

"Uh...yeah." Chills ran down my arms and I wished I had ordered tea instead of a cold drink.

"There you go." The waitress set down my coke and also a large plate of fries and a burger and then left wordlessly.

"Oh." His cheeks flushed. "That's mine, she probably just assumed...I'll take this somewhere else. Sorry, I've been traveling and I'm just really hungry."

"You can sit." The words left my mouth before I could stop them. Being alone wasn't working out for me. "Where were you traveling from?"

"New York."

My heart stopped and I gripped the cold drink.

Of course the only person in this diner who wanted to small talk with me was from New York.

"I used to live in New York." I admitted.

"Really?" He sounded genuinely interested. Everything about this man was genuine. He hadn't been hitting on me, he was really interested in whether I was ok or not.

"Yeah." I drank a sip. "I moved here three years ago."

He began eating and I noticed a certain calmness settle upon me. Like I knew him. Like he and I could be friends.

It was rare to feel this way about strangers.

"What are you doing in Seattle?" I asked before he could ask why I had moved.

He hesitated for a moment I could tell he didn't want to answer.

"It's a long story." He finally said and I smiled, because that's what I would have said too.

"Do you have kids?" I asked because I didn't want to think about Elliot and Rafael and what this all meant for my friendship with Rafael. I didn't want to think about Devon Collins and the fact that he had hurt other women.

I wanted to talk about something that brought me joy.

"I do." He said and his face lit up. "A boy and a girl. You?"

"Two boys." I smiled.

He showed me a picture of a little girl with a cheeky grin and eyes just like his, the boy was older and had brighter hair.

"I didn't know about my son until years after he was born." He admitted. "It's not the most usual family story."

I smiled. "I get that, both of my kids are adopted."

"Wow." He actually sounded impressed. "Did you and your husband always know you wanted to do that?"

"Oh." I said. "No, I'm uh..." Traumatized, hung up on someone who is married... "I'm a single mum." I admitted. "I adopted them both by myself."

"Wow." He repeated. "That must have been a long procedure."

"Well my best friend is a–" I caught myself. Rafael Barba was no longer my best friend. "I had help." I said shortly.

This man seemed to understand that there was more to the story and also that I wouldn't want to talk about it.

"Do you miss New York?"

"All the time." I admitted. "Seattle is so quiet and so clean."

He burst out in laughter and I found myself chuckling too.

"Do you want to come back?" He asked after our laughter had faded.

"I do." I admitted. "I really really do, but..."

But there was no way back for me.

"I get it." He said which I appreciated because there was no way this man could get anything I was saying. I was being so vague and distant and yet here he was trying to understand me and help me out.

Trying to relate.

"How long are you staying?" I asked and he sighed.

"I'm not sure to be honest."

"You should look at the city." I said. "When it's not raining it's actually really nice."

"Ok." He said. "I'll do that."

"The ferry boats..." The emotions came so suddenly, the words got stuck in my throat out of nowhere and I saw it all again, Elliot and I laughing, kissing, dancing...

The man in front of me seemed to stress my distress and he also seemed to understand that I could not bear to fall apart in front of a complete stranger.

"I'll walk by some dumpsters just so I don't start feeling home sick." He joked and it was such a silly joke, a repetition of my own one, but it still made me laugh out loud.

He laughed too, probably in relief that this strange partly hysterical woman was not going to succumb to a sobbing mess before his eyes.

We were still laughing when someone came to our table. The person was tall and he gasped as he approached our booth.

We both looked up at the same time and there stood Elliot. He looked tired and worn out and so sad.

"Hey." The man said as if they knew each other as if he was worried about him.

Elliot didn't respond he was looking at me with an open expression I had only seen that weekend. But I couldn't read it. Couldn't be sure.

"El?" The man asked it was the familiarity that made me tear my eyes away from the ocean blue ones that had been my home for such a long time in my former life.

Realization dawned upon the younger man's face as he took me in.

"It's you." He whispered. "You're Olivia."

I could only nod as I understood that like with Hope my first name was enough for him to know what was going on. That like me, Elliot had people he had told our story to.

Whatever his version of the story was.

"Do you remember how I said it's a long story why I'm in Seattle?" He smiled sadly. "Turns out it's not that long."

He was here for me. Just like Elliot was. Because of Devon Collins.

"Carisi?" I asked.

"Amaro." He corrected with a smile and then said: "Nick."

I nodded.

Rafael had never given me physical descriptions of the squad. Of Elliot's squad, I realized. Carisi, Rollins and Amaro...these were his people.

"Liv." Elliot said. "I'm so sorry–"

"No." I stood up. "I don't wanna talk right now, El." It was the first time I had addressed him directly in three years. We both looked at each wide-eyed.

We were both terrified of each other.

"It's late." Nick threw in gently, interfering. "How about we meet tomorrow, Olivia?" He slid his card across the table. "Just give me a call and we can meet and talk."

"I don't want to talk." I repeated.

Nick cocked his head to the side. "Even if it's about putting Collins behind bars where he belongs?"

My heart fluttered in my chest, not because of the mention of my rapists name. But because of the absolute certainty in which Nick said it.

The absolute confidence that I had been telling the truth.

"He raped three more women." He explained as he stood up. "And they won't prosecute. We..." He briefly glanced at Elliot, who was his boss, I realized. "We were hoping you would talk to them."

I closed my eyes for a moment. I wasn't sure I could. How could I motivate someone to go through what I had gone through? To face that disappointment?

"Let's talk tomorrow." Nick smiled and I finally understood why he had been so good at anticipating what I needed.

Because he was a good cop.

"Ok." I said. "I'll call you."

And even if I only called him to tell him no.

Beside us Elliot breathed out relieved and I was suddenly overwhelmed by a rage so strong and primal I wanted to snarl.

"Not you." I muttered coldly. "Just him." I pointed towards Nick. "If you show up tomorrow, then I won't help, do you understand?!"

Elliot physically flinched and backed away.

It hurt me, but I needed this. I needed this distance.

I owed it to Noah and Calvin not to get sucked back into this darkness again. The darkness I had clawed myself out of these past three years.

When I got home Hope was watching reruns of the bachelor.

"Hey." She smiled and patted the sofa beside her. "Are you ok?"

"No." I whispered as I crashed beside her. "I'm really really not."

"I'm so sorry Liv." She snugged beside me. "But Elliot is a fine piece of ass."

I laughed. "Hope!"

"I'm serious. Those eyes...that voice? Marry me, Elliot!"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't wipe the smile of my face.

"Did you see what I did back there?" She grinned and it was the mischievous grin that made me understand.

"Mentioning Matt? Yeah that was real smooth."

She laughed.

"Thank you." I said.

"You're welcome."

I fell asleep beside her on the sofa and woke up when she woke the boys. She gave them breakfast and took them to daycare and school. She told them I was sick and called in work for me.

I've never loved anyone more than her in that moment.

Hope had come to pick Noah up. Dr. Huang was sad to watch the toddler leave, but it was getting late and he needed to go home. They had decided to go for dinner in a Chinese restaurant that Olivia recommended.

"I'm proud of you for setting your boundaries like that." He said and she smiled.

"Me too. I was actually pretty surprised. It just happened."

The psychiatrist was so happy to hear that. Her constant adoration of Elliot Stabler wasn't just annoying, it was unhealthy.

"So did you talk to Detective Amaro?"

"I did." She smiled as the waiter came to bring them their food. "It was actually really good. Better than I'd thought."

After dragging myself out of bed at noon and showering I'd paced my living room like a crazy person.

I can't do it, I thought.

You have to do it. I told myself.

I can't.

You have to.

I don't want to. Why do I have to do it?

Because these girls are scared and you are brave. They need you. You can stop this.

I can't do this.

You've been through worse.

Nick Amaro and I met at the dock. It was a nice place to walk and I couldn't sit still during this. He waited for me at a place where Calvin and I liked to sit and watch the ferry boats.

"You were right." He said as way of greeting when I arrived. "It really is nice when the weather's good."

I smiled but couldn't reply.

I was anxious and kind of wished I had eaten breakfast after all.

"You hungry?" He asked now as if he could read my mind. "I saw a doughnut stand down there."

"How very cop of you."

He laughed.

"Maybe later." I said and rubbed my arms. "After."

Nick nodded and we started walking.

"How long have you been on the squad?" I asked.

"Three years." As he said it a sadness settled upon his face which made me chuckle.

"It's ok. They had to replace me."

"Well they had to replace you with two detectives, if that's any consolation."

"It is." I smiled sadly, because had I been worth two detectives or had Elliot been so broken by what had happened that he didn't count as one whole detective any longer?

"Olivia." Nick said suddenly. "If you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"I'm not sure that's true." I whispered and averted my gaze so he couldn't see the tears in my eyes. "What I went through..." I swallowed. "If I can stop this from happening to someone else then I need to do it."

"Ok." He nodded. "Good, but you're the one calling the shots, ok? If you want to stop, we stop. If there's a question you don't want to answer, then you don't have to."

It was considerate of him. But it was also yet another reminder of how the system had failed me. My case couldn't be trailed again. I was not even a witness. Whatever statement he got from me, he couldn't use.

"Will you only share the absolute necessary details?" I asked. "Whatever you need to establish a pattern and nothing more?"

"Yes."

So I told him.

We walked by the ocean, looked at the ferry boats, let the sun shine on our faces, enjoyed the cool wind.

I told him about that night in a way that I could only tell a special victims unit detective. And he listened in a way that only they could.

With complete professionalism, not betraying any emotions on his face, not giving me the feeling I had done anything wrong. He didn't even flinch at the lie.

"I am so sorry this happened to you, Olivia." This was the first thing that he had said since I'd finished. We were standing at the docks, leaning over the railing and watching the blue waves, seagulls screeched up above us.

"I am so sorry that the people who were supposed to help you were the ones that led to your downfall."

"Thank you." I took a deep breath. "I don't know how much help it will be though." I swallowed. "Would you tell me about the other victims?"

He wasn't allowed to. There was a rape shield law. But in another life Nick Amaro and I would have been close. Friends. And he knew that too.

"Ashley Greene she worked at his law firm, she was the first one to come forward and it happened two weeks ago." Two weeks ago I had been preparing my speech with Calvin, had laughed with Rafael, had played with Noah and Hope. "And then we found two more. One each year since..." He hesitated.

"Since he raped me." I realized.

"We think you were his first and that he developed a taste for it because he got away so easily. I mean..." For the first time since we'd started talking emotion crept into his voice and I could hear his anger. "All the sheer luck he had. All the bad luck that you had played right into his favor."

"I always wondered..." I began as I watched a seagull dive near the waves and then shoot back up again. "I always wondered if there were other victims."

"The squad didn't find any."

"Yeah." My voice was cold. "That seemed convenient to me."

He nodded. He understood.

"There really were no other victims. We looked as well."

I believed him when he said this.

"Did he barge into their apartments too?" I asked.

"Yeah. And he knew them before."

I rubbed my arms again, feeling cold even in the sun.

"Were they brunette?"

Nick closed his eyes as if he were in pain. "Yes."

"I think I want to stop talking about it now." I said.

"Ok." He accepted this without a second's hesitation. "Do you want that doughnut now? Because I'm starving to be honest."

I couldn't help it and laughed.

We each ate two doughnuts and then he talked about his kids. About how he'd never known about his son. I asked him about work and whether he liked it or not. I informed him that I knew about anger management and how he had lost it and beat up a pedophile.

He asked me about my job and I told him about Hope, the cafe and Joyful Heart.

We talked about our kids, comparing characteristics, showing them off, looking at videos and pictures happily.

Nick never once mentioned Elliot. Never once tried to defend him or tell me his version of the past three years.

By the time I arrived home I was sure we were friends.

It was quiet and a note from Hope told me that she had dropped Calvin off at Justin's for a sleepover and was spending the afternoon with Noah in the park and if I wanted he would stay with her tonight.

"Oh Hope." I muttered. "I don't deserve you."

A knock on my front-door made me spin around.

Knocks on my door were rarely a good thing.

I looked through the peephole and sighed in frustration.

It was Rafael.

"Good." He said through the door. "You're home, open the door. We need to talk."

Dr. Huang and Olivia had a funny banter about who should pay for dinner which made their meeting look like a date from the outside.

"How did it feel?" He asked when they were outside after splitting the bill after all. "Telling a detective your story?"

"Good." She admitted. "It was like disclosing. It was the conversation I'd dreamed about having for years."

The sky opened up then and it began to rain.

George opened his umbrella with a smile beckoning her to come to his side.

They weren't finished yet.

"What do you want?" The hostility that rolled off my tongue was beyond my control.

"I wanna talk to my friend about whatever she wants to talk about."

I scoffed. "I am not your friend, Rafael." I wanted to close the door on him, but he shot forward, holding the door open with his hand and looking at me with large puppy-eyes.

"Please."

"Five minutes." I muttered as I stepped aside.

He had been my best friend for the past three years.

He was one of the main reason I had two sons.

It was Rafael.

I didn't bother to offer him a drink and he asked for nothing as he came inside. He paced the small living room.

"Olivia." He finally said. Not Liv and not detective. "I am so sorry."

"Oh." I muttered, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "You're sorry. So that makes it ok."

Rafael flinched as if he was in pain. "Please, you don't understand."

"No Rafa." My voice was shaking. "I really really don't."

"After our weekend with Calvin I wanted to be friends with you!" He blurted out and I saw myself on my last day in New York, my last day home. Leaving everything behind, starting a new life and and randomly bumping into him.

I raised my eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I was intrigued by you." He finally admitted. "And I'd heard rumors about you and Elliot–"

I lifted my hand, pointing a finger at him, begging him to stop because it hurt too much the familiarity with which he said Elliot's name.

"I just wanted to see for myself." He said, calmer now, less frantic. "I wanted to see the world you had been expelled from. I wanted to have a look at SVU. I didn't expect to like it this much."

We looked at each other and I didn't need him to say what he was thinking.

That he had found his place in the world in the exact same spot where I had lost mine.

"I knew that you worked at SVU." I muttered. "That's not surprising, that's not the problem. Working with...working with Elliot is."

"I didn't think I'd like him as much as I do. Never in a million years."

This made me laugh, actually laugh out loud. It sounded bitter.

"What is this? Some kind of rom-com?" I thought of Hope and her collection of books. "The enemies to lovers trope?"

Rafael wasn't amused by my comment and gave me one of his annoyed side-glances.

"When I first started working there I wanted to hate him for you. I wanted no part in any of this drama and you were always my priority, but we worked together so well together, Liv." He came closer. "We were in-sync, we had each other's backs..."

"Stop it." I whispered as I blinked away my tears. "Please."

I couldn't take it. Couldn't bear listen to how he had lived my former life.

"Believe me the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you." He whispered, his eyes were also filling with tears. "I swore to myself I'd never do that."

Trying to regain control over my emotions was too much of a task to be distracted with anything else, so I just shook my head, wiping my tears away.

"I wanted to tell you." He said. "In the beginning, I wanted to tell both of you, but then time went by and I just..." He sighed deeply. "I never meant to hurt you, please believe me."

"I do." I said softly and his face brightened. "But just because you didn't mean to shoot someone doesn't make the wound hurt any less bad."

His face fell.

"You were friends with him?" I asked, because I couldn't wrap my head around this part in particular. "You hung out privately?"

"There's things you don't know." The way he said this was so defensive I wanted to punch him. "Things that would help you understand, but I can't tell you. It wouldn't be fair."

My hand balled into a fist. How could he talk to me about fair?!

"He's changed. He's not the way he used to be."

"You don't even know how he used to be!"

We looked at each other for a long moment in shattering silence. Finally Rafael was the one to break it.

"I tried to do the right thing." He said. "For both of you. I tried to protect you both from..." He didn't finish the sentence.

"From each other?!" I snapped. I couldn't help it. All these years I had thought Elliot was living in Europe and Rafael had purposely kept him from me.

"From the fall-out." He replied sadly.

"That wasn't your decision to make." I muttered. "And your five minutes are up."

His shoulders slumped as he made his way to the door.

"You know the problem with being an empath?" He asked as he turned around. I didn't reply. "It's too easy to lose yourself when other people need you."

I couldn't reply. Of course I knew what the problem was. Of course I knew that he and I would lose ourselves to help others in a heartbeat.

To help each other.

"Just so we're clear," I said as I opened the door to let him out. "I feel betrayed by you and I don't know how I'll ever get over it."

Rafael closed his eyes as if my words caused him pain. They caused me pain too, but they were the truth.

He stepped towards the open door way and just as I thought he'd have no final words for me he called out:

"Liv?"

I stepped around the open door to look at him.

"What?"

"Elliot and Kathy." My heart beat unevenly at the mention of these names. "They got divorced about two years ago. And he's single now." His green eyes met mine and just like the night we'd met, they were blazing with emotions. "He's staying at the Bramwell Hotel, room 315. I just thought you should know."

George Huang didn't live by principles.

He wasn't someone who had the same rules he lived by day by day.

He had a few traditions, because in his age, who didn't?

But if there was one rule that he tried to implement, tried to ingrain in himself, it was one very simple one.

Do not judge.

"So, you went to see him?"

He tried to keep his voice from anger, from judgment, tried to hold back the urge to shake poor Olivia and scream why, why, why?!

Her answering smile told him all he needed to know and he kept his disappointing sigh to himself and casually asked:

"How did that go?"

The skies above me opened up in a frenzy of rage and fury, showering me in cold water. It reminded me of when I'd gone to Dr. Huang's apartment three years ago.

Divorced! Single! Elliot!

After Rafael had left I had just stood in the apartment unable to move, unable to do anything. And then some force had taken control of me and I'd texted Hope that yes Noah should stay with her tonight please or they could both stay in my apartment.

And I'd just gone outside.

Phone and key in hand I'd just started walking.

The rain set in as soon as I left my street.

I didn't think to take a bus or call a taxi. I just walked.

Elliot was single. I'd never known him to be single before.

Of course 8 years ago he'd been separated from Kathy, but divorced? Elliot?!

Had he been wearing a ring the last time I'd seen him? I couldn't remember. Maybe. Maybe not. He had said he was sorry.

Nick must have told him about my disclosure by now.

So Elliot knew the truth.

Most of it at least.

By the time I arrived at the hotel I was drenched to the bone and I was shaking.

I walked inside the lobby as if I belonged here, as if I was the person staying in 315.

And when I finally stood outside his door I was sure I would throw up from nerves.

What do you have to lose? I asked myself. He's long gone, you lost him years ago.

No, I thought.

He was never mine to begin with.

My body took on a life of it's own and I raised my hand to knock on the door. I couldn't control it. It was like I was being pulled to wherever he was, unsure if I wanted it or not.

There was no warning, no calling out to who was at the door.

It just swung open and there he was.

His blue eyes met my brown ones and we just stood there for a moment.

"Liv?" His voice was raspy, emotional.

Shit, I thought. What do I look like?

Probably like I'd been dragged through the streets by my very wet hair in a freaking storm.

"Come in!" Elliot stepped back. "Are you ok?!"

"F...Fine." I was shaking, my teeth clattering. An umbrella. I could have brought an umbrella. It was simple really.

"Here, let me..." He reached for me and we both froze at the same time unsure what to do.

He was the first to unfreeze and stepped back, clearing his throat.

"I'll get you something to change into." He suggested and he walked over to the large bed in the center of the room.

My head was swimming this hotel room was so neat and white and here I stood creating an actual puddle on the floor. A shaking wet mess.

"The bathroom's over here." He led the way, putting a pile of clothes on the folded down seat and turning up the heat in the room. "Here." He handed me a pile of white towels and I nodded, not trusting my voice.

I had to strip completely. Every piece of clothing I'd been wearing was wet and as I stood in front of the full length mirror naked I felt an intense hatred for my own body that I hadn't felt in years.

I wrapped myself in the towels he had given me and tried my best to keep the festering, painful loneliness at bay.

When I slipped into his too big comfortable trousers I realized he must have slept in these because they were baggy and wide.

As I pulled a blue T-Shirt over my head I was engulfed in his wonderful smell.

Elliot, I thought. My Elliot. My partner. My soul-mate.

He was so close it was painful.

When I came out of the bathroom he was sitting on the bed, holding a blanket. He stood up immediately when I came out and wrapped the blanket around me.

I didn't protest.

I wasn't that cold anymore but I was still shaking.

The blanket was thick and created a barrier between us.

But it also smelled like him and I had to fight the urge to bury my face inside of it and inhale deeply.

"Are you ok?" He repeated and his eyes were wide with worry.

"Fine." This time the tremors didn't hinder my speaking.

His mouth twitched as if he wanted to smile and I realized that this right now was a pattern we'd had for years. A pattern I hadn't thought about, hadn't let myself think about.

"Rafael came to see me." I said and immediately his face hardened.

How ironic, I thought, that he and I share the same betrayal.

"He said you and Kathy are divorced?"

I could see the surprise in his face.

"Yes." He finally said and for the first time since I'd left my apartment I felt like I could breathe again. "Yes she is uh...she has someone new."

I didn't expect the numbness.

I didn't care.

I really and truly didn't care about what she was doing.

"Are you..." I swallowed. This was difficult. "Are you happy?"

Elliot actually laughed at this, but it didn't sound bitter.

"Sorry." He grinned and he was so handsome when he grinned that I wanted to weep there and then. "It's just something my therapist would ask and something I would avoid answering that's all."

"You see a therapist?" I asked and he nodded.

I thought of what Rafael had said. That I didn't know everything.

"Yeah." He didn't elaborate and I could tell he was thinking about my question. "Most days I'm happy." He said. "I love my job, my kids, my apartment...I have a good life."

I closed my eyes mainly to keep fresh tears at bay.

"But there's something missing." He finally said and we sat there in silence for a long time.

We sat there long enough that my shaking stopped, my hair semi-dried and it got too hot under the blanket. I shook it off and once it fell from my shoulders our bare arms were touching.

"I missed you." I whispered.

"I missed you too." He said and his eyes were wide as if in terror and I realized that maybe we actually did need protecting from each other.

That we were terrified of one another.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't need to be anywhere tonight." I gulped. "My friend Hope is looking after the boys."

"Ok." He pressed his hands together and I understood he didn't know what to do with them, maybe he was afraid of what they would do.

"I stopped drinking." I said looking at the mini bar across the room. "But you can go ahead if you like."

"I stopped too." He kept his gaze on me. "Three years ago."

I had to look away. I couldn't keep looking at him. Right in front of me. Sitting together on a bed. And he was single. Divorced.

"Rafael never told me about you." He said suddenly. "I had no idea where you were." Maybe there was an accusation in his tone, maybe there wasn't, I didn't trust myself to know. "He and I were close, I never told him about what happened, but...we were close."

"So were we." I whispered. "I actually called him my best friend."

"Yeah." Elliot actually scoffed now. "So did I."

I didn't know what to say and when Elliot spoke again his voice was softer somehow.

"He told me about a friend in Seattle. With two boys. He spoke of you very fondly. He called you his best friend."

I knew that this was supposed to be consoling, but it only hurt even more.

"You never asked for a name?"

"Honestly I never asked him anything he just talked a lot."

I laughed at that and then I wanted to cry.

"Elliot?" My voice was barely a whisper, more an expulsion of air than anything else.

"Yeah?" He turned to me.

"Would you hold me?" I got lost in his eyes, he was so close I could feel his breath on my face. "Please?"

He slid closer, putting his arm around my shoulder and pulling me against his broad chest. As his arms encircled me I felt like one broken piece of the million broken pieces inside of me began to heal.

"Can we..." He hesitated. "Can we lie down?"

"Yes."

He leaned back and we readjusted ourselves. We weren't lying on the bed traditionally and if we stretched out our legs they would be dangling from the edge.

But we were together and I was in his arms.

"Can you..." I was the one to hesitate. "Can you stroke my hair?"

Elliot didn't answer, his hand was on my head immediately. His fingertips softly trailing along my hair and the side of my face.

"Is this ok?" I asked as I ran my own fingertips up and down his chest.

"Yes." He sighed and it was his sigh that almost undid me. "Can I go here?" His hand traveled from my hair down to my hip.

"Yes." As my fingers slid up his torso again they found some of his bare skin at the top where his buttons weren't closed. Elliot stiffened and I pulled my hand back.

"No it's ok." He assured me and there was a longing in his voice that gave me confidence to touch him again.

"Can I go under your shirt?" He whispered and his voice was tense in the best way.

"Yes." I almost added a please but didn't want to show him just how desperate I was for his touch. When his fingertips lazily trailed over the sensitive skin above my hip bone I couldn't hold back a sigh of content.

If the tension between us killed me I would die completely happy.

"I want to move." I warned him and shifted away from him just a bit so I could look at his face. His handsome face that I knew so well, the one I'd thought of when the aching loneliness inside of me had been close to tearing me apart.

"Olivia." He whispered. "Can I kiss you? Please?"

I smiled because he had been the one to beg first and nodded.

"Yes. Absolutely."

He smiled and seemed so young in that moment, so unburdened and leaned forward gently pressing his lips against mine.

We asked each other step by step if it was ok. Each piece of clothing that landed on the floor was not taking off without verbal consent first. Each stroke of the hand and each kiss was asked before it was given.

Every movement was agreed upon.

And as it turned out, pretty soon we were both begging.

"That's actually very sweet." Dr. Huang was surprised and Olivia blushed.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

Now he chuckled. "I'm not, I'm just..."

"You can say it doc."

"I think the sex might have been premature, you didn't talk about anything at all. Honestly Olivia, I've got to tell you this is a classic toxic behavior. I mean, if you want this to work out you need to talk about the uncomfortable things."

"Oh I know." She said with a grim smile. "Believe me..."

Dr. Huang wasn't sure he liked where this was heading. "What happened?"

"I woke up in the middle of the night and I lost it." She admitted. "I turned into a down right fury."

Happy Monday everyone! Please tell me what you think :)