"Coffee?"

"That's me." Olivia smiled and took the warm beverage from the waitress. "Thank you."

"And one Camille tea." She put the tea in front of a very unhappy looking Dr. Huang and Olivia laughed.

"Doc, come on. You've listened to worse."

"Tell me about your rage." He said earnestly. "I want to know exactly what happened."

Two Weeks Ago

Chapter 24: Where'd You Get The Nerve

Now suddenly you're asking for it back

Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve?

Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had

But I don't really care how bad it hurts

When you broke me first

You broke me first.

"You Broke Me First" - Tate McRae [You Broke Me First]

I was in a nice place.

It was warm and fluffy somehow.

There was laughter and light and...I was so light, everything I'd been carrying around with me for so long was just...gone?

I smiled and felt like singing.

When was the last time I had sang?

Not to my baby, but to myself?

When was the last time I'd heard music and hadn't switched it off reflexively because it opened up this deep dark wound right in the middle of me?

The storm was still going on outside, the rain pattered against the window, making my relaxation perfect, because while it was cold and rainy outside I was safe and sound here.

In his arms.

I loved him so much.

So truthfully, so completely and unconditionally.

No one made me feel like he did. No one ever had before him and no one had after him. He made me feel joy into the very last cell in my body.

I remembered his lips against mine. Remembered his body above his.

But then there was suddenly a different image in front of my eyes.

Hands grabbing me, holding me down, my own voice screaming, begging in a way I'd never begged before.

Never had thought I would.

No I wanted to go back to the warmth, to the light, to the place I'd been safe just minutes ago.

- Tell us detective, how much time passed between your lie and your alleged rape? -

- 10 minutes -

Now the storm was inside me and all I wanted was to get away from it.

Don't pretend like you don't want this. You led me on. You let me pay for drinks and then just left me in the bar!

No I was safe, it was over. I was happy.

For how long, Olivia? I asked myself. How long do you think it will last this time? Three days? Maybe even four?

No, no, no.

I had moved on.

I was healed.

No!

"Liv."

It was a different voice. The voice from my dreams. The one that usually made all the bad memories go away.

"Liv, wake up, you're having a nightmare."

No. This wasn't a nightmare. This was a realization.

I opened my eyes. Elliot's face was right beside mine and I pushed against him, startling him, as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and ran to the bathroom.

I slammed the door shut and ran my hands through my hair, long dry by now. My clothes were semi-dry, draped over the luxurious bathtub in the hotel.

I was shaking as I put them on.

"Liv?" He knocked against the door.

"Go away!"

"Are you ok?" He sounded worried and it was this worry that made me want to scream.

Was I ok?!

Who did he think he was asking me this?!

"Please open the door." There was a vulnerability in his voice that had made me melt hours ago but just made me want to punch him now.

It was so hot in here, I struggled to put my jeans on, they were sticking to my skin but I just pulled harder.

He knocked again and I ripped the door open so forcefully he flinched. There I stood, my hair in wild curls, in just a black bra and my half-wet jeans.

"What?!" I snapped. "What do you want, Elliot?!"

"What's wrong?" He sounded hurt and confused and I couldn't help laughing.

"Are you kidding me?!" I pushed myself past him roughly and heard his sharp intake of breath.

Not because I had hurt him, but because he was surprised by my behavior. Olivia Benson didn't usually talk back to the man she had labeled her soul-mate.

He said jump and I asked how high?

"Where are you going?" He asked as I roughly pulled my blue shirt over my head.

"Home."

"Don't." He pleaded. "It's late. It's dangerous."

"What? Are you scared I'll get raped?" Elliot paled at my words and I remembered what Rafael had said that he had changed. "It's too late for that, where was your worry three years ago?"

"Liv." He sighed, his damned blue eyes wide. "We both made mistakes, we–"

"No!" The storm inside of me erupted and this time he actually physically backed away from me. "Everything that happened is on you! It's your fault I was raped! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you!"

Dr. Huang nipped his tea silently.

She was looking at the table between them, unable to meet his eyes. She was ashamed of what she had just disclosed.

Telling Elliot she hated him was so juvenile.

But it had happened.

"How did he react?"

"He was shocked." She said. "And hurt. He didn't get angry like I had expected him to. He was calm, quiet."

Olivia could see the surprise in Dr. Huang's eyes and she thought she could tell he was positively surprised. That this was a good change coming over Elliot.

"I went home." She said. "He let me go even though he was worried."

The former FBI agent encircled his mug with both hands, warming them. He was pretty sure Olivia would have physically attacked him if he had tried to stop her from leaving. He hadn't really had a choice but to let her go.

"What kind of state were you in?"

She shook her head now. "I was just...so angry, so hysterical. Hope was at my apartment when I got there." Olivia looked up at him. "I cried all night."

Everything hurt when I woke up the next morning. Every cell inside of my body was in pain. I felt like my soul was one big bruise. As if someone had beaten up my emotions with a baseball bat.

Hope had held me while I'd cried last night, promising me over and over again that even though I couldn't see it now things would be ok.

And she asked me if Elliot had hurt me.

Sobbing I had told her that I had hurt him.

I couldn't live like this. Couldn't love him so much it consumed me and then want to tear out his eyes at the same time because I was so angry.

Voices from inside my apartment made me sit up. It sounded like Hope and a man.

I got dressed shakily.

Pulled up my hair into a semi-messy ponytail, hoping it looked like I had done it like this deliberately. Hoping the curls from my rainy encounter looked like they'd been styled that way.

When I went into the living room I saw Nick sitting on my sofa and Hope beside him, babbling happily.

"Good Morning!" She sang when she saw me emerge and his face brightened too.

"Hey." I muttered.

"I made coffee!"

"Thanks."

Hope was a lot to take sometimes. But hyper Hope in the mornings was a whole new level.

"Why are you here?" I asked Nick as I sat down beside him, coffee in hand.

"To ask you to come back to New York with me." He admitted. "To talk to the women, Ashley in particular."

"You don't have to!" Hope threw in. "If you don't want to."

"I know." I said with a small smile. "But thanks."

She blushed.

She was nervous. That's why she was so excited. Nick and her would fit well together.

"Can I use your bathroom?" He asked now standing up.

I pointed into the direction he needed to go and once we were alone Hope immediately threw herself beside me and whispered:

"I had to let him in! He's a cop! With a badge and gun and everything!"

I laughed. "It's fine. He's a friend."

Her face brightened immensely. "He's cute!"

Because she said this so loudly I had to laugh. It wasn't like there was a steel door between us.

"Are you ok?" Hope asked now, reaching out to push away a stray strand of hair.

"No." I admitted.

"You don't look like you've cried all night." She mused and squinted. "Are you wearing make-up?"

"No."

She clucked her tongue as if she was impressed.

The bathroom door opened and Nick came back out. There was a look in his eyes and I remembered what it felt like. Having to rely on other people to face their trauma to make your case. How you hated to make them sad, to reopen old wounds, but you also hated not having them help you. You needed them.

"When's the flight?"

His face brightened immediately. "In three hours."

I smiled. "You're cutting it close, detective." I turned to Hope. "Is Noah already in pre-school?"

"No." A strange look crossed her face and she looked at Nick briefly. "No he's uh...in his room?"

"By himself?"

Noah was one year old and Hope knew better.

"Well..." Nick began behind me.

"Liv, you're not going to like this."

Dreading the worst I set my coffee down and went into my one year old's room. T-Bone had pulled up a wall in Calvin's room, essentially creating a new one for his little brother.

I could hear sounds I was familiar with, Noah's laughter, his toy bricks crashing, his one word exclamations...

As I opened the door I saw Elliot sitting on the floor with my toddler. Noah was cooing and threw himself into his arms and he caught him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

My heart softened and I hated it.

"Mama!" Noah cried out as he realized I was there and stumbled toward me.

"Hi sweet boy."

I crouched down and opened my arms to hug him tightly. As I cradled him against me and kissed the side of his soft head my hatred disappeared.

"I..uh..wasn't sure if you wanted to see me." Elliot said.

At his voice my son turned around and cried:

"Liot!"

I had to laugh and he grinned. "That's my new nickname apparently."

"That's clever." I smiled at Noah. "Did you make a new friend, today?"

"Liot!"

Elliot was still looking at me and Noah turned his head from me to him and I realized he had probably never seen me this serious before. And this sad.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see Elliot either. Not even now as he was right in front of me.

"I'm coming to New York." I said and his eyes grew wide in surprise.

After the way we had left things last night I couldn't blame him for being surprised.

"But I need to get ready and I need to talk to Calvin." I said and at the mentions of his brothers' name Noah looked up at me with large questioning eyes. "And I want to say goodbye to Noah alone."

"Sure." Elliot stood up and carefully stepped over the bricks and toy cars strew across the floor. When the door closed Noah said:

"Liot?"

"Elliot will be back." I promised. "Noah, come to Mama, baby."

I opened my arms and he squealed hurrying into my arms. I caught him and hugged him to my chest tightly before showering him in kisses. He giggled and I finally felt whole again. All the pain and anxiety from last night vanished into thin air when Noah laughed.

"I love you more than life." I whispered into his ear. "And you'll stay with Hope until I come back, ok?"

I needed to make sure Devon Collins rotted in a prison cell. It would make the world a better, a safer place. I owed it to my two boys to be strong and fight.

"Wow." Dr. Huang said. "That was a very brave decision."

Olivia didn't reply. She hadn't felt brave in that moment, although she had wished for nothing more than courage.

"I had to try." She finally concluded as she sipped her coffee. "Not to actually trust the juridical system again, but to connect with the other women."

"Did you think their rapes were your fault?"

Olivia smiled. "Actually, no. That was all SVU and on Alexandra Cabot."

The psychiatrist nodded with a proud smile. He had spent the past three years trying to lessen the hatred he felt for the squad and the former ADA. He knew hatred harmed you from the inside out. Nestled into your heart and lodged itself right into it.

"Good, Olivia."

"I only blame myself for my own rape."

His gaze darkened and she chuckled.

"I'm working on it, I swear."

Leaving the two men with Noah felt more like the plot of some sitcom or romantic comedy and not my real life.

"Are you sure you want me to come with you?" Hope asked.

"I need you to drive." I muttered as I climbed into the car. "Besides, Elliot has five kids, he can handle Noah for an hour."

"Nick has two kids." She added and I smiled at her.

"Stop it." She muttered.

I tried to hide my smile. Obviously Nick wasn't a good choice for Hope, living in New York. But it was nice to see her get excited again, excited about things that weren't about my kids, but only had to do with her.

"When they showed up this morning I was getting Noah ready and then when he saw Elliot he was just so happy and wanted to go to him." She rolled her eyes. "I swear it's those blue eyes, I mean have you seen them?!" She giggled. "It's a bit creepy how crazy Noah is about him, but it's also kind of beautiful."

I looked out of the window and didn't answer.

The trip to the school was a short one. Hope hummed along to some music on the radio and I tried to think of how to explain all of this to Calvin.

"Should we take him out of school?" Hope asked. "The three of us could do a day trip somewhere." She sighed. "The aquarium, we haven't been there in ages!"

"He can decide." I said. "Maybe there's a class he wants to go to today."

Hope rolled her eyes. "He's such a nerd, I swear."

I glared at her and she laughed.

"I'm kidding! And I'd never say it to his face anyway, don't worry. You know I think your kid is great."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"And coffee isn't a meal." Hope threw in but I ignored that.

Once we were at school and I pulled him out of class he was worried.

"Mum!" He rushed towards me, hugging me fierely. "Is everything ok?! Is it Noah?!"

"Everything is fine." I promised and looked behind me to make sure there were no teachers lurking in the hallway. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

Calvin grinned. "Really?"

"Really. Once in a life time opportunity, I promise."

I told the secretary that we had a family emergency and Calvin would return to school tomorrow. Once we were safely inside the car I explained:

"The man who raped me has attacked other women in New York. And now friends from New York have come here and asked me to talk to them, because they don't want to testify." I paused and looked at the young teen. "So you and Noah will be staying with Hope tonight and I'll be back tomorrow evening." Calvin didn't reply. "Is that ok?"

"So you're not sick." He muttered. "You lied."

"Actually." Hope turned around. "I lied. I always underestimate you, Calvin. I'm sorry." She smiled weakly. "I can't promise it won't happen again though."

"It's ok." He said, but he still sounded upset.

"In Hope's defense I really wasn't ok." I threw in. "Technically I was sick."

"Are we going home?" Hope asked now. "Or what's happening?"

"Yes." I said. "Drive."

"Who are these friends?" Calvin sounded suspicions and after hearing my story over and over and helping me phrase it I couldn't blame him.

"Police men. One of them is working at my old precinct, his name is Nick and he's really nice." I nodded. "You'll like him."

"And the other one?"

"Is Elliot." I sighed and Calvin's eyes grew wide.

"The Elliot?!"

"Yes."

"Are you going back to being boyfriend and girlfriend now?!"

Hope gasped. "Calvin!"

"What?" He sounded confused.

"You can't just ask a question like that out of nowhere!"

"Why not?"

"See." She said to me now. "This is why Rafael was always a bad influence, I'm telling ya. This direct nonsense, no privacy, getting right to the point...it just damn rude."

"Language." I sighed.

"My mum and I don't keep secrets from another." Calvin said in a sassy way that only teenagers could. "Mum, you didn't answer my question." He leaned forward so his head was between the two seats. "Are you and Elliot getting back together again?"

Despite her claims from 20 seconds ago I knew Hope was curious to know the answer she became very calm and looked over at me from time to time when the traffic allowed her to.

"I don't know." I sighed. "We...it's very confusing for both of us. But Calvin, you and Noah come first. I would never start a relationship with a man without talking to you about it first. If you and Elliot don't get along he has no place in my life."

"Noah absolutely loves him." Hope giggled. "But no pressure!"

I glared at her.

"Is he at the apartment now?"

"Yeah he is."

"Hmm." Calvin looked intrigued.

"Also", Hope threw in now. "He and his wife got divorced two year ago and he is single!"

"Will you shut it?!" I snapped and Calvin laughed at my harsh tone.

"What?" Hope sighed as she parked the car. "I thought we don't have secrets."

"That's just me and Calvin." I muttered.

Hope pouted. "I don't keep secrets form you."

"I really wish you would sometimes."

Calvin laughed and again it was the sound of those I loved most in the world that gave me strength. When we arrived at the apartment, Noah was asleep and Elliot and Nick were in the kitchen. They had made coffee and were talking quietly.

"Guys." I said and put a hand on Calvin's shoulder. "This is Calvin, my son."

Elliot froze, actually froze while raising one of my mugs to his lips. I knew it was weird for him. It was weird for me too.

Three years ago I had been single, living by myself, no family, no boyfriend. Nothing but him.

And now here I stood with a teenage boy and a baby.

"Hi Calvin." He finally said, setting his mug down. "It's really nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you."

Calvin's gaze flickered to me. "From my mum?"

He sounded confused.

"No." A sad look passed Elliot's face. "From Rafael."

Calvin's eyes widened and his mouth fell open in shock as he turned to me, mouthing: "What?!"

"I know!" Hope squealed. "Turns out that little weasel was friends with Elliot behind your mum's back and vice versa."

"Hope!"

Elliot looked hurt but Nick was chuckling.

"What?" She muttered defensively. "It's true."

"He told me he had a best friend in Seattle." Elliot continued calmly. It reminded me of the way he used to talk to victims.

To me.

"And that she had two sons. He spoke very fondly of you and mentioned you have an Xbox?"

"I do!" Calvin beamed.

"Can I see it? I wanted to get one for my son too..."

"Sure!"

Calvin led Elliot into his room and Hope sighed dreamily.

"This is going to sound weird." She said. "But you're ex sure knows how to impress young boys."

I rolled my eyes but Nick laughed again.

"You mean he's good with kids?"

"Yeah, he's so smooth."

"He's also not deaf!" Elliot called from Calvin's room and I couldn't help it. I had to laugh.

"Liv." Hope muttered as she came closer to me. "You should pack some stuff, I'll make you a Sandwich ok?"

"Thanks Hope."

"Always." She smiled.

Nick cleared his throat and left the kitchen not at all smoothly which would have made Hope giggle if she hadn't been waiting for this moment all day.

"I am so freaking proud of you, Olivia Benson." She said in the most serious tone she possessed and pulled me into a tight embrace. "The things that you've been through and you're still standing. I'd be happy if I could ever be even half as strong as you are."

"I like Hope." Dr. Huang said as he wrapped his hands around his mug. "I'm glad she's in your life."

"I don't know what I'd do without her." Olivia admitted.

Hope had given her a job, an apartment and so much more emotional support than she ever could have hoped for.

"So." He smiled. "You traveled to New York?"

"I did." Olivia smiled too it was a sad smile. "Nick sat between me and Elliot and it was awkward, but we got through it."

"And then you spoke to the victims?"

"Yeah." Olivia whispered and rubbed her arms as if she were cold. "Yeah, I did."

It was strange to be back.

But I couldn't stop myself from loving each moment.

It was New York.

It was home.

Ashley Greene reminded me of a younger version of me. She was brunette with brown eyes and I almost cried when I saw her.

She actually groaned when she saw Nick standing beside me.

"What do you want?"

"I was raped by Devon Collins three years ago." I said. "My name is Olivia and I really want to talk to you."

A look of pity crossed her face, but it darkened when she looked at Nick.

"I don't want to press charges."

"That's ok." I said. "But can we still talk?"

She looked torn.

"I can wait outside." Nick suggested and I could have hugged him.

"Ok." Ashley agreed and stepped back to let me into her small apartment. "I wasn't expecting guests." She said gesturing to a small mess in one of the corners. "Although since everyone keeps on showing up here I probably should have."

"What do you mean?"

"The ADA was here yesterday." She rolled her eyes. "He got real emotional about me testifying and basically begged me to press charges."

Oh Rafael, I thought with a heavy heart.

"He's a friend of mine." I said because I wanted to be as open as I possibly could with this girl. She deserved that much. "And he wants Collins behind bars."

"Do you think I don't?" She whispered. "He-" She stopped herself. "I can't. I can't do this. You should leave, I'm sorry." She walked back to the closed door.

"He came into my apartment late one night." I said and she froze on her way to the door. "We'd both been drinking before hand. He knew I was drunk and he knew I wasn't ok, I was struggling with a bad break up and I told him about it." I remembered how I had told him that I wish I could switch off my emotions altogether. Ashley relaxed as I spoke but didn't turn around. "He paid for my drinks, he made a big deal out of not taking advantage of me." I closed my eyes because it hurt so bad, because I had left the bar that night feeling safe, feeling like I'd found a new friend. "Hours later he just rang the door bell came inside and raped me." I swallowed. "Right there on the floor of my apartment. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't fight him."

Ashley turned around to me. She was shaking, tears were streaming down her face.

"One of the lawyers at his firm told me I wasn't doing a good job." She whispered. "And I was upset and told him about it." She took a shuddering breath. "He comforted me and said I could just carry on with my internship and learn from my mistakes, he offered to drive me home and I said no because..." She sighed. "I don't know, I just thought it was over the top and then when I was home, the door bell rang and he...he–" She sobbed loudly, unable to carry on talking and I rushed forward hugging her tightly.

"It's ok." I promised. "You'll be ok."

You'll never be fully healed, I thought. But you'll be ok enough to function, to live again.

We stood in her small hallway for a while and as she cried I fought with all my might not to fall apart. I needed to be the strong one now.

When she could Ashley pulled back.

"Sorry." She whispered. "Do you want some tea?"

"Absolutely."

She told me about her internship, about how she had always wanted to be a lawyer how happy she had been working at the Collin's firm.

"I want him to go to prison for what he did." She finally said. "But I don't think I could stand going through a trial and loosing, honestly I think it might kill me."

"It almost killed me." I admitted. "But I was all alone. No one came to my apartment to beg me to testify." Tears burned in my eyes as I confessed: "I wish someone had. I only had one friend who believed me. The ADA didn't believe me, the cops didn't. No one was on my side."

"Why did you do it?" She whispered.

"Because I didn't want him to do this to anyone else." I smiled sadly. "As you can see my plan didn't exactly work out."

She nodded sadly. "Mr. Barba said there were two more women he'd done this too."

"Yeah."

Monica Sheridan and Heather Cusac.

Nick was going to tell me as soon as they had ID'd Collins and then I would talk to them too.

"If they do it." Ashley said with a shaky voice. "You'll be there, right?" She looked at me with wide eyes. "You'll be in the courtroom with me?"

"Yes." The answer was out of my mouth before I could have stopped it. "Absolutely."

I made it out of the apartment.

I even made it the two blocks to where Nick was waiting.

I managed to wait outside the café he was sitting in and even small talking all the way to his car.

But once safely inside his car, the second the doors closed I broke down.

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't stop.

I can't do this, I thought. I can't do this.

"Liv!" I could hear the panic in his voice and he reached out to touch my shoulder. I flinched and backed away, pressing myself against the closed car door.

"I'm sorry!" He cried out and I hated how helpless he sounded. How helpless I made him feel. "What can I do?! What do you need?"

"Elliot." I gasped because for the first time in three years I could finally say it out loud and someone could finally help me with this.

Nick started driving immediately. He didn't hesitate and he didn't slow down. I tried my best to calm down, but no matter what kind of exercise I did it didn't work.

I can't do this. I'm not cut out for this. Everyone always thinks I'm so strong, but I'm not. Not really. I want to go home, to Seattle and live my quiet new life. Away from here, away from all of this. Away from him. I'm in the same city as my rapist.

"We're here."

"He hates me." I sobbed, because how could I face Elliot after everything that had happened? I had slept with him and then said I hate you straight to his face.

"No." Nick's voice was soft. "No I promise you, he doesn't. He's been texting me nonstop for hours, he's worried about you."

I buried my face in my hands, pushing my hair back. I was so tired, way too tried for all of this.

"Liv." Nick whispered and there was an air of awe in his voice. I looked up and couldn't even say why I was surprised that Elliot was standing outside the car, waiting for me.

I fumbled with my seat belt and as I opened I climbed out of the car I stumbled and fell right into his arms because he knew I'd fall and he'd been there to catch me and break my fall.

"She's going to testify." I cried against his neck and he tightened his arms around me.

"I'm proud of you." He whispered and ran soothing circles over my back.

And just like that I could breathe again.

I could function without sobbing.

Nick handed him my bag and we walked up to his apartment together.

It was warmer than I'd expected, filled with pictures of his kids, one picture of him and me from 15 years ago, when I'd first started out at SVU. And, I felt a stab in my heart, there was one of him and Rafael sitting at a bar and smiling.

"Have you eaten?" He asked and I shook my head.

"Not since Seattle."

There was something knowing in his smile as he gestured for me to sit down at his small kitchen table. It was only big enough for four people, but all of his kids were so grown up now it made sense he didn't need the space.

"I made soup." He said. "Do you want some?"

"I didn't know you can cook."

"Well I'm a bachelor and a single dad every other weekend so I had to learn."

How did we get here? I thought. How are we strangers after everything that happened? After all the time we spent together? We used to know each other inside out.

We ate dinner in silence. It was good and I felt much more relaxed and in control of the entire situation than I had felt before.

After dinner I had a shower in his bathroom and brushed my teeth. It was a strange throwback to that one weekend we'd had when I'd been in my bathroom and had actually physically missed him.

Silly me had known nothing about physically missing him.

I'd known nothing about pain either.

After my shower he had cleaned the kitchen and was sitting on the sofa and as if it was the most normal thing in the world, as if we were a normal real couple I sat beside him and he pulled me close to him. The smell of him enveloped me. The feeling of him so close beside me made my head spin and my hurt flutter.

It was Elliot and he was here and he was taking care of me and I wasn't alone with all of this any more.

"I told her I'd go to the trial." I whispered. "But I don't know if I can."

"You don't have to know that now." He whispered back and leaned his head against mine. I closed my eyes, I felt that same bone deep tiredness and I ached all over emotionally. It was like my feelings were one big bruise.

I should have apologized for my behavior this morning. We should have talked about boundaries and about what we were doing here.

But it was just so nice to sit in each others' company and just be together and let all the troubles around us just be. His hand stroking my hair absentmindedly. My eyes fluttering close, just on the brink of sleep, his chin resting on my head.

There was little that could have happened to ruin everything.

But the next words Elliot spoke where the worst ones he could have possibly said:

"Kathy's on her way here."

Dr. Hung almost dropped his mug. "What?! Did he invite her over?!"

Olivia almost laughed. "No, of course not. But she wanted to pick up something of Eli's, a blanket or a teddy, I don't know." She looked down at her almost empty coffee with a sad look in her eyes. "I kind of stopped listening after the word Kathy."

George reached out and gently pressed her hand. She had been through so much, she had endured the worst kind of loneliness these past three years, she had told her story over and over again these past few weeks, reopening old wounds.

But he knew better than anyone just how terrible meeting Kathy Stabler must have been. She smiled, blinking away her tears and put her hand over his gratefully.

"I need to go." I almost fell over as I rushed to stand, a sudden dizziness taking hold of me and I swayed.

"Whoa." Elliot was beside me in seconds, steadying my arm. "Hey, what's wrong?"

She's going to take him away from me. She's going to show up here and manipulate everything and I am going to loose him. Again.

"Liv." Elliot took my face in his hands. "What's happening? What's wrong?"

Everything was wrong, absolutely everything but how should I have explained that? How should I have said that the mother of his children was one of the reasons everything had fallen apart? Maybe even the main reason.

"Liv, talk to me." His hands went to my shaking shoulders and I looked up at him with wide eyes. "Please."

His blue eyes were full of concern and despite everything I could see his love for me in them too. It was Elliot, who had abandoned me and ignored but who had never given me a reason not to trust him.

What did I have to loose?

It wasn't like he belonged to me. Wasn't like we were a unit that could be separated.

Not anymore.

I opened my mouth to talk, to tell him what had happened, but no sound came out.

What if he doesn't believe me?

Breathing became harder suddenly and I gripped his arms so tightly it must have hurt him but if it did he didn't show me.

"Olivia." He whispered, drawing me close. "Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it for you."

I closed my eyes, hot tears spilling out from beneath my closed eyelids.

"You can't fix this." I whispered, my voice hoarse with un-shed tears. "I need to go. Before–"

I stopped myself from saying before she gets here.

The doorbell rang and I flinched, backing away, Elliot let go of me and it was almost funny because he was looking at me like he was afraid of me.

There was no escaping her now, so I did the next best thing and went into his bed room. His closet wasn't big enough for me to hide in, but he had a small dresser and there was an empty corner beside it so I made myself as small as I could lodging into the tiny nook, pulling my trembling knees up to my chest.

"Hi!" Her loud cheerful voice made me flinch and I hugged myself tighter. "How are you?! Oh, there it is, great!" She laughed and the sound made me flinch. "I can't believe he left Coco here, honestly I forgot all about her too. Remember when he used to make that funny voice when he talked to her?"

Elliot didn't say anything and I knew he was trying to piece together what had happened, trying to understand my reaction and maybe he was even remembering that last time we'd spoken in my apartment.

You don't know what Kathy did. It wasn't like that.

Are you seriously dragging Kathy into this?!

"Elliot?" Her voice was so clear as if I was in the room with them. "Are you ok?"

"Olivia was raped." He said and I could hear how tense his voice was. She gasped so loudly I heard it in my hiding spot. "Three years ago. Do you remember Rafael's best friend that he wouldn't shut up about? The one living in Seattle? It was Olivia."

"Oh my god." She whispered and it was ironic how scared she sounded.

"So we went there. That's why I was in Seattle the past few days." Elliot's voice was shaking and I was pretty sure he was too. "Turns out her rapist has attacked three other women and we need her help catching him after the entire juridical system ruined her life three years ago."

He knows. I realized and looked up from my knees. He understands what happened.

"Elliot–" Gone was all the cheerfulness in her voice. "I'm so sorry."

That was a weird thing to say really. It wasn't her fault I'd been raped. It wasn't like she had made Collins do anything. It wasn't like she had manipulated him.

"The thing that I don't understand is this." Elliot was treating her like a suspect I could hear it in his voice, knew this tone of his voice better than any other. "When Olivia heard your name she went into shock." He paused. "Why is she terrified of you?"

"Elliot." She whispered and she sounded just as shaken up as I had been. "Please."

"Kathy." His voice was so hardened, he was trying his absolute best to keep in anger in check. "What did you do?"

"I tricked her." The words came flooding out of her. "That day you told me you wanted a divorce. I went to her apartment and told her she wasn't good for you, told her you two would fail." As I heard her describe the beginning of what had ultimately led to the worst night of my life tears streamed down my face quietly. "I told her if she managed to push you away, to hurt you bad enough that you'd come back to me I'd...I'd make sure that..." She didn't finish the sentence.

"You'd make sure that what?" Elliot hissed. "What have you done?!"

"I'd make sure that you and she could stay friends." She whispered, but I heard every word. "That she wouldn't lose you."

There was a silence between them and I held my breath. I remembered those weeks when he had stopped talking to me, when she had showed up at the precinct almost daily, parading their marriage and their child in front of my eyes.

Olivia, are you serious? You slept with my husband and you thought I would be the one to repair your friendship?

"I always knew you had an evil streak in you." He said now and his voice was rough, hardened with emotions. "But this? Who are you?"

"Please." She was crying now. "I am so sorry."

"You're sorry?" He repeated. "You tried to make me hate her. You almost succeeded."

"I was desperate and jealous and...Elliot please forgive me. This was before Kevin, before I felt this kind of love." Kathy sobbed and Elliot actually laughed out loud at this.

"You're kidding me." He sighed.

There was a silence until Elliot asked:

"Does Kevin know?"

"No!" She practically shrieked and I jumped. "No, of course not! Please, please don't tell him!"

Her begging reminded me of my own and I hugged my knees even tighter.

"You should go." Elliot said. "I just...I can't deal with you right now, I'm sorry."

"Ok." She was a full blown mess, sobbing and her voice was shaking. "When you see Olivia, please tell her I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Tears streamed down my own face as I realized just how badly I craved forgiveness. How I wished I could stand up from the floor, get out of the corner I was huddled in and just tell her I forgave her.

There was a gentle knock on the bedroom door.

"Liv?" Elliot called from outside, his voice softer now. "She's gone. Can I come in?"

"Yes." I didn't have it in me to call out to him.

He dropped to the floor before me.

"I am so sorry." He whispered hoarsely, fighting against tears of his own. "You were right. This is all my fault."

I didn't know what to say and wiped my tears away fruitlessly because they just kept coming anyway.

"What do you need?" Elliot asked and he slid closer to me, coming into my broken space fearlessly, ready to battle whatever demons I needed him to. "Anything and I'll do it."

"Can you just hold me?" I asked and he opened his arms as an answer.

I settled between his legs and he leaned against his bed, his arms encircling me and keeping me in a tight embrace. I remembered all of the moments in the past three years when all I'd wanted all I'd needed had been Elliot. How I had called out for him in my mind over and over again.

And now here he was, cradling me against his strong chest and watching over me just like I'd always wanted him to.

"He held me all night." Olivia whispered and there was a small smile on her face.

Both of their mugs were empty but they'd decided to stay in the cafe for now at least.

"Did you stay on the floor?"

"No." She laughed and flicked her hair back. "No we moved to his bed, but nothing happened, we just slept."

"Good." George was relieved. "That was wise."

Olivia blushed deeply. "I slept for 12 hours."

"Good." He repeated. "You needed that."

"Yeah." She sighed and looked away.

"Olivia." He said leaning forward. "How long did it take until the relationship became physical again?"

Her defeated sigh was answer enough and the former FBI agent face-palmed himself in frustration.

"What happened then?"

"Well..." She moved around on her chair obviously uncomfortable with this question. "Then we got into another argument." She sighed. "It was bad."

Hi everyone! Yes, I have returned :) Please forgive me my terribly long break :( I was fired, my mum got sick, I got derpessed and worked on so many other projects but I am committed to this story and to you :)
Have a great Monday!

What do you guys think about forgiving Kathy? Nay order yay?