The two of them looked at each other.

Olivia was ashamed.

Dr. Huang was expectant.

Just as she opened her mouth to start he held up a finger and then called out to the waitress near their table:

"Excuse me? I'm gonna need some wine over here."

Two Weeks Ago

Chapter 25: Everything's A Mess

Well you look better than you ever did

Giving me the eye before you walked in

Talking that shit about how we fit perfectly together

Yeah but everything's a mess when I'm around you

"Worship" - Deaf Havana [Rituals]

When I woke I was warm and safe. Elliot's arms were wrapped around me keeping me in a comfortable embrace.

His steady heartbeat just below my ear had lulled me into a peaceful sleep last night and as I awoke now it reminded me that I wasn't alone.

I gently lifted his strong arm from my waist and slipped from his embrace noiselessly.

As I studied my face in the mirror I was surprised to see that my eyes weren't as red or puffy as I had expected.

I felt more rested than I had in years and a look at my phone told me I had slept for 12 hours.

As I went through the motions of showering and brushing my teeth I tried to imagine how I would feel if this really was my life.

Living in New York with Elliot, no kids of my own, no Hope. Just us living in a domestic routine. Blissful every day life. Discussions about what to eat for dinner, about who was supposed to clean the toilet.

When I came out of the bathroom Elliot was in the kitchen and handed me a cup of steaming coffee with a smile which I gratefully accepted.

Then he went into the bathroom and I stood in his kitchen by myself, surrounded by the familiar sounds of New York City's traffic, looking at a picture of Elliot and his son taped to the fridge. Eli was a little boy with a toothless grin. Cute and happy.

This could have been my apartment, Eli could have been my stepson, Elliot my husband.

We'd have breakfast every morning, making it a top priority. One of us would have left the squad, but we'd still both be working with victims, making a difference, fighting the fight other's had already long given up on.

"Hey." His voice was gentle behind me as he pulled me out of my thoughts and didn't want to startle me. "What are you thinking about?"

"I need to go home." I said and turned around to him.

There was a hurt in his eyes I could clearly see but he said: "Ok. Let's have breakfast first then we can check for flights."

I sat down at his small table as he prepared toast for us.

"Do you think we would have gotten married?" The question left my mouth before I could stop it. "If..." My eyes met his wide-eyed ones. "If we had made it?"

Elliot sat down opposite me, pushing a plate towards me. He didn't answer, but I knew he had heard me and I knew he understood what I meant.

"Yeah." He finally said. "Not immediately of course, but I probably would have proposed after a year or so."

"A year?"

"Yeah." He grinned now. "You would have said no."

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't actually disagree with him as I buttered the toast.

"But I would have convinced you." He sat down opposite me. "I would have left the squad and worked in a different precinct."

And he would have left the Manhattan Squad to me. My life, my world, the people in it...it would still be mine. My world would still belong to me.

Noah and Calvin's faces flashed before my eyes.

"Would it have been a big ceremony?" I asked and smiled because we both knew the answer to that.

"No." He said and returned the smile as he sipped his coffee. "It would have just been us at City Hall, but Munch and Fin and Cragen would have showed up surprising us with a big party."

They would have.

I could see it clearly in front of my eyes. Myself in a dress, because I would have worn one for the occasion. Elliot in a suit. The two of us happy. And then the three of them showing up, showering us with gifts, talking us into a party we never would have planned for ourselves.

Cragen might even have held a speech.

I swallowed. Feeling nauseous from the little toast I had eaten already.

"Detective Tutuola, do you believe that Olivia Benson was raped?"

"I don't know. I'm just not sure."

"John retired." Elliot's voice was soft, sad. "About a year ago."

I nodded, because I remembered Rafael mentioning that to me.

"Nick was really sad about it. He and John got along well."

There was nothing I could say to this. We hadn't made it. We weren't married. This wasn't my life. I didn't know these people.

"Liv." He sensed my mood shift. "About last night..."

"Elliot."

"You tried to tell me." He whispered, his blue eyes wide with emotions. "You tried to tell me and I didn't listen."

I wanted to tell him I forgave him, I understood. I wouldn't have believed me either.

But instead I said:

"We already estabished that this is all your fault."

He flinched at my cold tone as if I had hit him.

"Liv." He whispered. "I told you I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't help me!" I snapped. "Sorry doesn't make my assault go away, doesn't undo the past three years!"

"Do you think I don't know that?" Despite my own loud voice he remained calm. "All these years I never stopped thinking about you–"

"Yeah, El, thanks. Your thoughts were a great help for me while I was facing my abuser all alone and no one believed me." I stood up. I had to get away from here. Had to get away from him.

"I regretted everything even before I knew the whole truth." He tried again. "You're the love of my life and I want this to work."

I actually laughed.

The sound was hollow and broken even in my own ears.

Elliot gulped, obviously thrown by my reaction.

"You think you can act like the hero? You can hold me when I'm upset and that will make everything undone? That will make me whole again? My life was ruined, Elliot. Shattered in pieces because you wouldn't give me five minutes of your time." I could see clearly how much pain my words were causing him, but I couldn't stop, it was like a fire had been unleashed inside of me. "I wanted to kill myself, I lost everything. My home, my friends, my job. And somehow you walked away unscathed. You and your wife and your baby and now you tell me I'm the love of your life?!"

"I didn't walk away unscathed." He protested, but he did so weakly. "From all of this. Olivia, I am not unscathed."

"You were happy." I muttered. "I saw you. I wanted to talk to you after the–" I stopped. I couldn't say the word rape. Now in this small apartment, this tiny kitchen that was his space. "After what happened to me, but I saw you with her and Eli and you were happy." Tears burned in my eyes and I blinked them away furiously. "I wanted to die and you were happy and I loved you so much that it gave me strength to walk away from you and to let you go." Now the tears streamed freely after all and I wiped at them, willing them away. "And I had to let you go, because you left and never looked back."

"I always looked back." Elliot stood up too, but when I backed away from him he sat back down. "Every second of every day I looked back. I tried to be happy, whatever you saw, I was faking it."

I shook my head. "Are you listening to yourself right now?"

"You just said you loved me." He said. "Past tense."

The walls in this tiny kitchen were closing in on me. The kitchen that was supposed to be mine. Photographs of us on the fridge. Eli's hand in mine as I picked him up from school. Elliot and I laughing together, cooking, dancing, cleaning.

"Elliot, don't."

"Do you still love me?"

"Elliot, don't ask me that!" My head pounded, my hands were sweaty. "Stop it!"

"Because I do still love you." He continued as if he didn't hear my protests. "And I'm willing to do whatever I need to, to make this work."

My hands were shaking and I balled my hands into fists.

"You came to me." He continued. "As soon as you heard that I was divorced."

"Stop it."

"You came to me and we made–"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" I snapped. "I know what we did! I was there, ok?! Stop being smooth, you just don't get it!"

"I'm trying to!" He wasn't angry, he was desperate. "I'm trying to understand."

"You never will be able to!" I exploded. "You don't know what it's like, ok?!" You don't know what it's like to be pushed away by the person you trusted most in the world, you don't know what it's like to be raped!"

There it was. The ugly word that haunted me.

"Liv." He stood up, holding out his hands towards me, his palms pointing towards me. "Please, calm down."

"You don't know what it's like to be chased out of the city that was your home! You don't know what it's like to not feel safe in your own apartment, because you were attacked in the one place where you're supposed to be safe!"

A sadness crossed his face so suddenly, so vehemently that I backed away even further. Elliot suddenly looked small.

Much smaller than he really was.

Much weaker than I knew him to be.

"I think you should go." He said in a tone that sounded like heartbreak. "It's time for you to leave, Olivia."

The wine helped him.

He sipped it quietly, trying his best no to appear judgemental.

These two were such a mess. He believed in open and healthy communication and in therapy. But he couldn't really see a future for Elliot and Olivia.

"Where did you go?"

New York wasn't her home any more and he had basically kicked her to the curb.

"There only was one place I could go." She said and looked at him with a sheepish smile. "I went to Rafael's apartment."

Two Weeks Ago

Nick Amaro told me Barba's address without any hesitation. He asked me if I was ok and I said yes and he didn't push it.

He probably would have met up with me, I could probably even have walked right into the squadroom.

Except that I'd never be able to do that again.

How should I have faced Fin?

When Rafael opened the door for me he looked as bad I felt. His hair was messy, he had the shadow of a beard, bags under his eyes and and was dressed more casually than I had ever seen him.

"How did you find me?"

"I'm a trained detective." I said.

The man I had called my best friend for so long stepped back to let me inside.

"You look like hell." I said and he scoffed.

"Yeah, I feel like it too."

Obviously I had never been inside his apartment. I'd never thought I'd step foot inside of it. It was barely decorated and clean. He pointed towards a large dark sofa and I sat down.

"You look well." He noted.

"I slept for 12 hours."

I left out the detail of sleeping in Elliot's arms and briefly wondered if Elliot had ever been here. Or if Rafael had been at his place.

"Liv." He sighed as he sat down beside me. "Please believe me. I am so sorry about everything–"

"I'm not here about us." I interrupted him. "I spoke to Ashley. I convinced her to go to trail."

"Really?" His eyes grew large and a smile spread on his face. "Liv, that's great!"

"I'm also not here about that."

"Is Calvin ok?" He asked and desperation clung to his voice.

"He's fine, so is Noah. Hope is with them." It was so strange sitting here with him, one of the largest centers of my new life placed in my old one. "You said Elliot changed and there are things I don't know."

"Yeah."

"I need to know them, Rafael. Right now."

He sighed and dropped his gaze. "Olivia. That's not fair."

"You owe me." I muttered.

"I owe him too." He whispered and it was that pained look in his face that made my blood boil.

"You lied to me for years!" I snapped. "You knew exactly where Elliot was and you just pretended like you didn't!"

"I lied to him too." He sighed. "Listen, just...what happened? Did you go to his hotel room?"

Now I was the one to look away. He was the one to provide me with the information of Elliot's divorce and basically sent me to his room. The question, however inappropriate, was valid.

"Yes." I said.

"And what happened?"

I shot him a glare and he rolled his eyes.

"Liv, come on. You know that's not what I'm asking. I just wanna know if you two got into a fight."

"We did." I said and was angry at the fact that he could read me so well. "Twice." I swallowed. "I...I bombarded him with accusations."

Rafael Barba had betrayed me. He had lied to me. He had crossed a line and there was no undoing that.

But he had been my best friend for years and he knew me well. He didn't judge me.

"I told him he didn't know what it's like to be terrorized in your own home."

Rafael leaned back, his mouth sounding out a silent Oh and grew very still.

"That was his reaction." I said. "He just went quiet."

He leaned forward rubbing his face with a deep sigh. I said nothing. I didn't want to probe him.

"About a year ago Elliot had a DV case. The wife didn't want to press charges. The husband broke into Elliot's apartment. He was beaten and tortured for two days."

George Huang could see the pain clearly in Olivia's eyes. He knew she was beating himself up for saying this to him.

"You didn't know." He said. "You couldn't have known."

"Yeah." She said sadly. "But I still hurt him."

"Did he forgive you?" George knew she wanted to return to New York and no matter how much he thought it was a bad idea he also knew she had already made the decision. And he would wager that she had made it based on Elliot Stabler.

"He did." She whispered. "But–"

"But what?" The former FBI agent probed when she didn't continue.

"There just so much to unpack." She said. "I love him and he loves me but I don't know if that's enough." Tears burned in her eyes and even if a part of him agreed with this statement his heart went out to her. He reached for her hand.

"What about Rafael?" He asked. "Do you think you can repair that friendship?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "It's so complicated, him being friends with Elliot..." She sniffed. "That day in New York two weeks ago was just so crazy." She looked up at him. "Elliot showed up at Rafael's house."

Two Weeks Ago

When the door bell rang we both jumped. We had been quiet for a while. I hadn't pressed for details. I wasn't sure I could bare them and I was pretty sure he wouldn't share them.

"Excuse me."

I heard him open the door and then he said.

"Elliot. Now's not a good time."

I jumped up and then heard his voice.

"Honestly I don't care. You owe me."

When he came inside he was dumbfounded and stopped in his tracks.

"Liv." His voice took on a softer note. "What are you doing here?"

"I–" I felt like I had to defend myself. "I had nowhere else to go and um..." I swallowed. Behind Elliot Rafael was looking at me wide eyed and my next statement came out as more of a question than a statement. "I had some questions?"

Elliot sighed and turned to the ADA.

"You told her?"

"Just the basics." Rafael sounded defensive and I couldn't blame him.

"Why are you here?" I asked, wondering if he had known and had been looking for me.

His gaze went to the side. "I um...had nowhere else to go."

"Great." Rafael sighed behind him. "Thanks guys. I feel appreciated."

"This isn't about you!" Elliot spun around to him. "Stay out of it!"

"You're in my apartment." Rafa muttered.

"I'll go." I said. It was too painful, too confusing and I wanted to go home.

"Liv." It was Elliot who was holding me back. "Wait, please. Where will you go?"

I shrugged. "The airport. A hotel. I don't know."

The worry in his eyes made me flinch. It made me so angry. It was too late.

"Please." He whispered. "Please don't just leave like this."

"I need to go home." I said and it was the word home that caused him to back away with wide eyes. I could see the pain clearly in his eyes.

"I need to get dressed." Rafael yawned. "And go to work. Elliot, we need to talk about the Jenna case and–"

"You and I are done talking." Elliot interrupted him in a cold tone and I could actually feel my heart go out to him, because of our shared betrayal.

Rafael sighed. "Fine. Whatever. We do still need to work together though. Liv." He turned to me. "I'll get in touch with you about Ashley's trial, is that ok?"

"Yes."

"Great." He backed away from us and the three of us looked at each other and then looked away again. How did we get here? I thought. Where do we even begin to fix this?

"I'm going to get ready now." Rafael said. "And leave. You're both welcome to stay. I urge you to. You should talk."

With that he turned around and left and Elliot and I were left alone. We looked at each other for a moment.

There was so much to unpack, so much to deal with.

"What happened to you?" I asked quietly. "Rafael said you were tortured."

"I was." He admitted and I could see a darkness in his eyes that I knew from myself.

Elliot sat down on Rafael's sofa and I did the same. As he shared the details of what he had gone through I was instantly thrown back to my life as a detective. When I had listened to people describe traumatic experiences daily, had heard the pain and anger in their voice.

Rafael left wordlessly in between his story. He looked at us with a sad smile and then left the apartment.

"And he's in prison?" I asked. "You went to trail, you testified and he was convicted?"

"Yes."

There was a long silence between us. The unspoken words lay between heavy inside of it. I didn't have to say that this was the worst part for me.

That he hadn't showed up when I had needed him the most. That I had lost all my faith and belief in the juridical system. That the one thing I had always believed in had betrayed me and backfired in a way that had almost broken me completely.

And he had been allowed to experience the freedom of getting justice.

He'd been allowed to watch the person who had hurt him be punished.

He hadn't seen him stroll out of the courtroom like a goddamned king.

When I left I hugged him for a long time.

I would miss him. I would always miss what we'd had and I would forever long for what we'd almost had.

We'd gotten so close to having it all.

I didn't tell him I loved him. He didn't beg me to stay.

We were in ruins and there was no way back for us.

"I am confused." George admitted and he said it quietly, carefully as if not to hurt her. "You said you're moving back to New York?"

She smiled and it was the realest smile he had seen in a while.

"Yes. Well that's a different story."

Hi everyone :) Happy Monday! Deaf Havana is the number one band I listen to when writing this fic. I was asked what my deal with Mondays is, I hated my former job and letting go of the weekend was a huge deal and well if shit hit the fan it was usually on mondays. Thanks for your reviews and messages. Any ideas on what the different story is as to why Olivia wants to move back to NYC if it's not for Elliot?