Chapter 27: It's You I'm Fighting For

It was raining. The rain beat down on him heavily and mercilessly as he rushed through the City that never sleeps. It reminded him of the first night Olivia had stood at his door. The night he'd supposed to have gone on a date.

I could have said no, he thought. I am retired.

Jonathan had laughed out loud when he'd heard this story.

It sounds like you need to see a professional his boyfriend had joked.

Olivia and Elliot were annoyingly on time when he finally arrived and they were also completely dry.

"Sorry I'm late." He muttered as he unlocked the door to the tiny space he was renting just for this purpose. "Couldn't get a cab."

They had agreed to meet twice a month and that was the only time he actually came back to New York. He had wanted to leave all of this behind him.

But he had agreed to help them find their way in what he thought was a complete mess. Maybe because he'd been a part of their twisted story for so long now. He wanted to see it through until the end.

"How are you today?" He asked and the couple shared a knowing look and neither of them said anything.

"Good." Olivia said. "But I'm not the one who is drowning in work."

Elliot ignored this comment and made a show of turning his phone off which made her smile.

"How are things?" George asked as he took out his notepad. "Did you settle in New York? How are Calvin and Noah?"

"Great." She ran her hands through her brown hair. "Yeah, actually it was basically perfect how smoothly everything went."

"Which gave her reason for doubt." Elliot threw in and she rolled her eyes at him.

"Olivia?" George prompted gently.

"I'm just not used to things going well." She muttered.

Would you meet me in the middle?

Could we both stop keeping score?

There's a battle I must fight alone

It's you I'm fighting for

If I call off the battalion

Break my walls down stone by stone

Tear down my defenses

I can build your heart home

And if I did

Would you come home?

"Would You Come Home" - Tyler Blackburn [From Roswell, New Mexico: Season 2]

Four Weeks Ago

The apartment was gorgeous. Calvin and Noah each had their own rooms. The sofa fit in perfectly and my bed room was bigger than it had been in Seattle.

"What do you think?" John asked and I could hear he was nervous. "Is it what you imagined?"

"It's more!" I spun around. "I love it, John. Thank you so much!"

When John and Fin had promised me they would in fact do anything to make up their behaviour for me they meant anything.

They had found and renovated an apartment for me and helped me organize the move.

"Did you see the bathroom?!" Hope practically screamed and I laughed.

"Yes."

"It's huge!"

"I know."

"I'm so jealous!"

I smiled but knew it wasn't reaching my eyes. Of course she was jealous. How could she not be? I felt terrible leaving her behind.

"Are you ready to meet the neighbours?" John smiled and I smiled back.

He had found an apartment in the same building that Elliot lived in.

"Has Rafael seen it yet?" Hope asked and I shook my head. I hadn't told him I was moving back. He had contacted me about the court date and I'd barely responded.

There was a knock on the door and then Elliot came inside.

"Hey." He smiled. "I'm gonna order pizza, ok?"

"Yes." I sighed. I was starving.

"I should probably get going..." Hope said. "I'll say goodbye to the boys."

My heart sank at her words.

Life without Hope was going to be difficult.

"I'll see you next weekend." She promised. "Remember we have a date."

We did. Elliot had promised to look after the boys and I was going to introduce Hope the New York City's night life.

We hugged for a long time. John also left. We didn't hug, but we smiled at each other warmly. I was beginning to soften towards him.

This was our first evening and I could already see such a change in Calvin. He was whistling, singing and in total he seemed so much happier than he had been before.

The move had been exciting for Noah and Calvin had spent the past few hours playing with him in his new room. He kept on asking when we could go to Central Park because he couldn't wait to show it to his brother.

It warmed my heart to see him thrive.

"So." Elliot asked after dinner when Calvin had gone into his room and Noah was already asleep. He rubbed my arm lovingly. "How do you feel?"

"Tired." I admitted, even though I hadn't really done that much. John and Fin had hired movers and I'd hardly lifted a finger.

"Are you happy you're back?"

"I haven't really realized it yet." I said and turned around to face him. "I like my new neighbor though."

"Really?" He grinned, stepping closer, stroking a strand of hair away from my face.

"Yeah, he's really hot."

He chuckled and closed the distance between us by pressing his lips against mine. I melted immediately.

"We spent the first night in my new room together." Olivia explained. "And it was nice."

"Eli loves Calvin and whenever he's with me we hang out together." Elliot added.

"But not all the time." Olivia said. "We have a system. Elliot comes by tuesdays and thursdays."

"Why?" George asked and the couple looked at each other.

"We respect each other's spaces." Elliot explained. "And we don't want things to move too fast."

"Some of us have commitment issues." Olivia half joked, but George didn't laugh.

He was genuinely surprised that they had a system. He had expected them to dive straight into a relationship, consequences be damned.

"It sounds good." He admitted. "So what's the problem?"

Elliot's gaze flickered to Olivia and she blushed.

"Me." She said. "I'm the problem."

Two Weeks Ago

"What exactly do you expect me to say?" Elliot asked and I knew he was keeping his anger to himself.

"I don't know!" I however was not. "It was one simple task and somehow you failed to do it!"

"I said I'm sorry and I'll go and get some milk right now."

"It's not about the milk!"

"Well, what is it about?" His voice softened and he looked at me pleadingly and my anger vanished.

"I don't know." I whispered. "I just..." I rubbed my temples. Everything hurt, my entire soul. "I don't know. Maybe you should go."

"Please don't push me away."

I closed my eyes because I felt like crying. I was so tired.

"Please go, Elliot."

He did and when he left I felt even more empty than before. It took me a moment until I unfroze. Noah was happily munching on a snack. Calvin was out with friends he had made at school. I scooped the toddler up into my arms and got him ready to go outside.

We'd run out of milk and I'd asked Elliot to pick some up at the store. He'd forgotten and I had lost it comepletely.

It wasn't the end of the world and it really wasn't about the milk but I couldn't put my finger on what it truly was.

Noah babbled happily in his stroller as I went to the store.

It took my five minutes to grab the milk but then I didn't feel like going home to my empty apartment. Calvin would be out late. He had become a happy, extroverted young man in a matter of weeks and he stuck to the rules I had made up. He was always home at latest ten.

I missed Hope.

Our weekend together had been so much fun. But it was just different than having her close by.

I wasn't sure how I ended up at Rafael's apartment. It just happened.

I was walking, lost in thoughts and feeling so utterly alone.

New York was my home.

Why did I feel so lost?

Why wasn't I happy?

Why couldn't I just find my spot in this new life? I had done it with much less four years ago.

"Liv." Rafael was surprised but also happy to see me I could tell. "What are you doing here? Is everything ok?"

"I was in the neighbourhood." It wasn't exactly true but it was enough for him to let me in. Noah squeeed and was happy to see him. He climbed into his lap and my heart melted.

"I miss you." I finally said.

"I miss you, too. And I am so sor–"

"Stop apologising." I interrupted him. "It doesn't change anything and I know you're sorry." I sat down on his sofa and asked: "How are you?"

Rafael was thrown by this question I could tell, because it hadn't been about him for months.

"Not so great to be honest." His shoulders slumped. "I lost my two best friends at the same time. That was quite a blow."

I didn't know what to say.

"And I mean that's why it happened. I'm not saying that#s an excuse or anything, but we do hate each other, fiercely...I just wanted some companionship from someone who gets it and she does get it."

I stared at him blankly. "What are you talking about?"

"Hope and me." He paled. "Isn't that why you're here?"

"What about you and Hope?" I asked and thought back to the strange brief conversations I'd had with Hope these past few times we'd spoken on the phone.

Rafael averted his gaze and my eyebrows shot up.

"No way." I muttered. "You and Hope?"

"She just showed up here." He said defensively. "And was babbling about how everything has changed and she's all alone and she knows that I'm all alone because I'm pathetic–"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. It was such a Hope thing to say.

"And then she kissed me and..." He blushed.

"Have you spoken to her since?"

He shook his head.

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know." He sat down next to me. "It was nice to have someone who understands. Seattle and you...that was another life and I just miss it." He was silent for a moment. "No matter how I feel about her, Hope was part of that life."

"I miss it too." I said. "I live in the same building as Elliot."

He did a double take. "Really?!"

I had to laugh. "Yeah."

"And how is that?"

"It's great, it's wonderful...except that..."

"That what?" He prompted gently.

"I get so angry." I muttered, hugging myself. "At him for the smallest things because I'm still so angry about what happened three years ago."

"Of course you are, Liv." Rafael moved forward and touched my arm gently. "You went through hell partly because of him. Of course it's hard to forgive him."

"I love him." I whispered blinking away my tears. "I love him so much, but at the same time I'm just angry."

"I don't know if this will help." Rafael sat up. "But he was miserable without you. We never talked about it of course, but I can see the difference in him now that you're in his life again. He wasn't ok without you, you went through hell, there#s no question about it, but the past three years haven't been easy for him either."

It was in this moment I truly managed to forgive Rafael. Because he was so supportive. And he was rooting for us. I knew this and I believed it. But I felt powerless about my rage.

"He got to go to trail." I said. "He got to have his perp locked away."

"You will experience it." Rafael said. "I will get him this time, Olivia with the new cases. Devon Collins is going to jail, I promise you."

"I am not jealous." Elliot sighed. "That's not what this is."

Olivia raised an eyebrow and George also wasn't sure if Elliot was telling the truth.

"Do you mind that she spoke to Rafael?"

"Of course I mind." Elliot rolled his eyes.

"Why?"

"Because she–"

"Tell her." George interrupted and nodded towards Olivia.

Elliot turned to her. "Why can't you talk to me? Why do you need to talk to someone else about the problems we're having?"

George war impressed by his honesty and also by the fact that he said the problems we are having. Olivia gulped, looked at George and then at Elliot.

"He was my best friend for years."

"He was my best friend too. But I don't involve him in this, in us."

"He was there for me when you weren't." Olivia finally admitted.

"You left." Elliot muttered. "I couldn't be there for you."

"You left first." She retorted.

George realized that this was the core issue. It wasn't her rape or the trail or even the horrible break up in her old apartment.

Elliot had left her.

Had left SVU.

"This is good." He said. "This is progress. I like the way you two are communicating. Our time's almost up. I want to suggest something that I think would help you."

Olivia leaned forward eagerly looking up at him.

"We'll do anything." Elliot looked just as hopeful.

"Stop having sex." He said and both of them instantly looked disappointed. "You two need to connect on an emotional level and stop having physical relations for some time being."

Olivia pressed her lips together and Elliot rubbed his neck.

"It will do you both some good." George encouraged them. "How did it continue in your relationship after the argument about the milk?"

"We had sex and didn't talk about it." Elliot said and George tried his best not to sigh.

"That just proves my point."

"Well..." Olivia began. "That evening something else happened."

Elliot sighed now and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Kathy Stabler showed up at my door."

Two Weeks Ago

Elliot cradled Noah against him and my toddler sighed comfortably.

"He likes the swings the best." I said as I tided away his toys, answering a question he'd asked before.

"Do you?" He asked the little boy. "Well maybe we should go on Sunday..." He looked at me questioningly and my heart dropped.

I knew what he was thinking. I was the unreliable one in this relationship. My mood swings were a deal breaker.

"Elliot I–"

Loud and persistent knocking interrupted me and I jumped. Elliot wanted to hand Noah to me and answer the door, but I shook my head. I didn't want to be afraid of someone standing at my door.

I was way past this point.

The last time Kathy Stabler had stood at my door she'd been a symbol of beauty and strength. All of my insecurities one in the flesh.

But she was the one who was sobbing, shaking and saying my name hysterically.

I turned around to Elliot, who was still holding Noah and had paled.

"Kathy?" He whispered. "What is it? Is Eli ok?"

"Yeah, he's with Maureen." She sniffed. "No it's about Kevin." She turned to me. "Olivia I'm so sorry for what I did." She sobbed. "Please forgive me!" She moved towards me and I flinched, backing away. Kathy Stabler was the manifestation of all the bad things that had happened to me.

"Kathy." Elliot put himself between us, handing my son to me, who cooed happily when I cradled him against me. "What are you talking about?"

"I told Kevin about you, Olivia." She was shaking and couldn't seem to stop crying. "And he broke up with me."

A part of me wanted to laugh.

Not out of spite.

But because of the absurd reality of all of this.

"Please!" She sobbed, pressing her hand against her mouth. "Please you've got to help me!"

The woman who had ripped the man I loved away from me so brutally was now a sobbing, hysterical mess barely able to stand upright and wanted my help to win the man she loved back.

"Kathy." Elliot put his hand on his ex-wife's shoulder comfortingly. "You need to calm down. Come on, I'll drive you home."

"No!" She shook his hand off. "Please Olivia, please you need to talk to him for me."

"You can't ask her to do that!" Elliot was appalled and said whispered this accusation. "How can you even consider asking her for help? You need to leave, Kathy."

"Please, Olivia. He's the love of my life. He truly is. I'm so sorry for all the things I did to you, I know it's all my fault. Please, help me, please."

Elliot was dumbfounded I could see it in his body language. He didn't know what to do.

Kathy had buried her face in her hands was sobbing her heart out.

I heard my own cries in her sobs.

How many times had I been in his situation? How many times had I cried? How many times had a darkness settled in my heart because I had longed for the man I loved so fiercely? How many times had I been surrounded by those I loved and had felt so utterly alone, because he was missing.

I had been this woman.

I had been this broken, this hurt, this shattered.

"Ok." I said. "I'll talk to him."

George Huang could tell that Elliot wasn't a fan of this arrangement.

"It's not the same." He said and George knew it wasn't the first time he had said this. "I know you saw yourself in her. But honestly, this is karma doing it's job."

Olivia looked at George. "I don't believe in karma. I believe in forgiveness and in healing."

The former psychiatrist smiled.

He was proud of her.

"She manipulated you into breaking my heart and then she manipulated me into hating you." Elliot didn't seem to see her point. "She is the reason we fell apart, Liv. She's the reason we have problems now."

"I know how she feels." Olivia said to George. "Aside from the rape, from loosing my job, from having to start over all by myself...on a basic level I connected with her, because the loneliness after a break-up is the worst thing. She thinks Kevin is what Elliot is to me." Her gaze softened as she looked at Elliot. "If I can save someone else from that darkness, I need to atleast try."

None of the men tried to talk her out of it.

"So." George gave them one last stern look. "Remember. No sexual activity. I will see you in four weeks."

Hi everyone, I hope you're having a great Monday! What do you think, will Elliot and Olivia manage to not be physical for four weeks? :D