It had been four weeks since George had last seen Elliot and Olivia. When they came inside his little office they were holding hands and whispering.

They both looked better.

There was a light in both their eyes he hadn't seen in a long time.

"So." He said, crossing his legs and pulling out his notepad. "Last time we spoke you, Olivia had set up a meeting with Kevin, Kathy's...boyfriend. How did that go?"

The couple looked at each other and Elliot nudged her gently with a grin as if to say, go on, tell him.

"It was..." She sighed. "Well it was something."

Chapter 28: My Old Self

Time won't fly

It's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again

But I'm still trying to find it

"All Too Well" - Taylor Swift [Red]

Four Weeks ago

Elliot had warned me about Kevin.

He had used words like manipulative and smooth.

Kevin was charming.

From his white teeth, easy smile, blonde hair and warm brown eyes everything about him was charming.

"Olivia." He hugged me tightly. "I am so excited to meet you. Thank you so much for reaching out."

"Sure." I sat down opposite him and decided to get straight to the point. "Kathy is really sorry about what she did and I have decided to forgive her."

"You're an amazing person." He said. "I can tell how strong and beautiful your soul is."

"Um." I ran my hand through my hair. "Yeah. So, how are you?"

"You know." He sighed. "I'm heartbroken, obviously because of loosing Kathy, but each day I wake up grateful to be alive and grateful to experience this life in all of it's beauty."

I could hear Elliot laughing, telling me he had told me so.

"Well Kathy is miserable."

A waitress came to ask us what we wanted and while I opted for a very strong coffee, Kevin was happy with some "mild tea".

As soon as she left I said: "Kathy is very unhappy without you Kevin and I think you should give her another chance."

"Olivia, can I ask you something?" The waitress put down a steaming cup of tea in front of him and he thanked her by crossing his hands over his chest and bowing.

I took the coffee from her with a smile and started wishing I had ordered an Irish Coffee.

"Sure." The goal was to befriend Kevin, which seemed easy enough and then I'd lean into him about Kathy,

"Were you miserable after all you experienced which as I understood was a direct result of Kathy's ministrations?"

"I–" He looked at me with a wide and open expression and I knew I couldn't lie because he'd be able to tell. "Yes, I was."

"And did someone speak on your behalf?"

"No." I set my mug back down again gently because his questions were making my hand shake. "No I mean, I had one friend who tried his best, but..."

"From what I understand you lost everything that is dear to you because of what she did. Your entire life was destroyed."

"Yes, but I cleaned it up. I turned my life around all by myself, I made new friends, I have a family."

"Yes." Kevin leaned forward, a fire burning in his eyes. "I've already established how extraordianary you are." He gently tipped against his phone with his finger. "The work you've done with your foundation has me absolutely baffled."

"Thank you."

"I want to be a part of it."

"What?" I almost spat the coffee in his face. "What do you mean?"

"I love life." He said with a smile. "And I love being a marriage counselor, love bringing out the best in people. I really think you could benefit from my work. Spreading joy and love is my main goal in life." And with that he pulled out a folder that looked a lot like a resume and handed it to me.

"Um..." I hadn't been prepared to conduct a job interview.

"You can think about it." He said. "But I think I'm a good fit."

"I'll offer you this." I said, putting his resume in my bag. "If you agree to talk to Kathy, you can interview for me officially."

He beamed. "Really?"

"Yes."

For the first time since we'd met a sad look appeared in his eyes. "I do really miss her."

"I know."

If they were the real deal, how could he not?

"Do you really forgive her?" He asked and I felt like I was finally talking to the real Kevin and not the one who was hiding behind large smiles and smooth comments.

I looked into my half empty coffee mug, pondering this question.

"My life was completely uprooted, terrible things happened to me, but I also gained a lot." I smiled. "Joyful Heart, my two boys, my best friend...I wouldn't have any of this it I hadn't been forced to leave New York three years ago."

Kevin was looking at me intently, his brown eyes blazing with emotions and I could tell why Kathy had fallen for him in the first place.

"I understand." He said. "And I–" He gulped. "I do love her. And I miss her every day. But she stole your joy, Olivia, she crushed you."

"She was scared." I said. "And as much as we love another, Elliot and I committed adultery. She wasn't completely wrong it what she did."

A sad look appeared in his eyes at my words and I knew he pitied me. Elliot and George had both tried to convince me that I was too strict with myself. That yes, Elliot and I had betrayed Kathy first, but that her retaliation had been way too harsh.

So far they hadn't been able to convince me.

"Olivia." Kevin said now. "Can I ask you another question?" His eyes flickered away for a moment. "It's kind of personal."

"Sure go ahead." Everyone was always asking me personal questions.

"I understand you have two kids, new friends, found strength in all these circumstances and that you can forgive her because of all of this..." He hesitated. "But don't you miss being a detective?"

George was looking at her with a pained expression.

It was a question he had asked himself a few times too. The foundation was her baby, an idea that had sprung from an evening with her closest friends, the ones who understood beyond a doubt what she had been going through.

It's core was bringing joy to others and helping victims on their healing journey.

But this was Olivia Benson.

"What did you answer?" He asked now and he could tell that Elliot was looking at her with a loving warm gaze.

"Yes." She said and her breath caught. "I said yes."

The question raced through my veins, filled up every small molecule in my body, rushing through my bloodstream and taking me in completely.

Don't you miss being a detective?

It was the one question I was still pushing away, the one question I wouldn't let settle inside my mind, because the answer was so painful, the implications too real. The loss too much.

"Yes." The words rushed out of me. "Yes, absolutely."

A smile spread on Kevins handsome face. "That's what I thought."

"Sorry." I grabbed a napkin and dabbed at my eyes. I hadn't expected to cry at this meeting.

I missed being a detective the way a soldier longs for his missing limb after battle, the way someone in the desert needs a sip of water.

I missed being a detective when I woke up in the mornings, when I went to bed at night and every single second in between.

"I've been avoiding this question." I admitted as I blew my nose and put the napkin away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you so directly."

"There's no way back." I said and swallowed. "I...uh attacked the former ADA and held a gun to her head. My gun. I was suspended intermediately."

"You were under duress." He said so matter of factually and so truthfully as if he had been there. "You had PTSD, you were forced into a terrible situation and there was nothing else you could have done in that moment."

I didn't reply. That moment when I'd been forced into that small room with my rapist had been one of the worst of my life.

The minute I'd pulled my gun on Alex Cabot I'd betrayed everything I'd stood for a second time around and my life as a detective had been over.

"You didn't actually hurt anyone." He continued.

"I bruised her." I said. "Her neck. I strangled her."

"She didn't report it."

"What are you trying to do?" I asked. "I work at the foundation now, I'm head of the foundation and I haven't been a cop for three years. My old life is over."

"There's something I like to do." He said and gripped his mug. "In therapy sessions and it's one question I like to ask each partner."

"Ok."

"The question is simple, but you'll need to go along with it."

"Ok."

"What is the best thing that can happen?"

I wanted to laugh, because I didn't ask myself questions likes this. I asked myself what was the worst thing, I saw the darkness coming miles ahead because life was miserable and everything went to shit eventually anyway.

"In general?"

"In your work life." He said with an encouraging smile.

"Well um..." I ran my hand through my hair. "I don't know. I guess if there was an opening at SVU and I managed to get it and could work as a detective again. But that wouldn't work, I mean Elliot's the lie now, so..."

"So it's not the best option." I could tell he had experience with conversations like this one, with people like me. The one who only saw the negative.

"Well the best option would be, if I could work as a special victims detective again, but in a different squad than Elliot's and still be able to work at the foundation and have time to see my kids and my boyfriend..." I sighed deeply.

"So." Kevin grinned at me. "Let's make that happen then."

George was speechless.

He'd never thought to ask her this, to really dig deep into the matter of her work, he'd been so wrapped up in her emotional well being, her private life.

Elliot was looking at Olivia as if she was a real life angel who had just come down from heaven. It made him uncomfortable to see all the emotions displayed there.

"So what happened?" He finally asked.

"We made it happen." Her face broke into a smile and she pressed her hand against her mouth, tears welled up in her eyes."I still have jump through some hoops, do some training, need a few pysch evals, but it looks like I'm going to be a detective again. In the Bronx."

"The Bronx?" He repeated and Elliot joined the conversation:

"Well she can't be in Manhattan. We talked about it, I...I would have left."

"It's your squad and you're the lieutenant." Olivia said and George could hear she had said these words more than once. "And I want to start over somewhere new."

"And this is what you want?" He asked now. "What about Joyful Heart?"

Elliot and Olivia looked at each other and she dropped her gaze.

"That was a tough decision." She admitted.

Four Weeks Ago

Elliot was drumming his fingers on my kitchen table.

"What do you think?" I finally asked, because his silence was driving me crazy.

"I'm not sure." He admitted. "I know Kevin likes to solve problems and is enthusiastic, but...this is a good deal for him too."

"I know." I sighed rubbing my temple. I was so tired.

Kevin had offered to take over as the head of Joyful Heart here in New York, until we found someone else, so I could concentrate on applying as a detective again.

"Liv, you don't need to make any decisions right now." He'd stood up and was by my side, rubbing my shoulder gently.

"Careful." I warned with a smile and he rolled his eyes.

"I hate the no sex rule."

I laughed. "Me too, but I think he has a point."

He leaned down to kiss me and I sunk right into it.

Despite my exhaustion, despite everything changing around us, Elliot was steady.

He was here and when he kissed me my whole world calmed down.

It was a truth I had to remind myself of day by day.

I pulled back first putting my hand on his chest to keep him at bay.

"We need to stop."

"Yeah." There was a blush in his cheeks. "Lets connect emotionally, how do you feel about watching TV?"

I had to laugh. "I feel like I'll fall asleep before the movie even starts."

Noah was fast asleep in his room and Calvin was out with his friends again.

"Are you ok?" He asked now and I could tell all the humor had vanished as he looked at me with wide eyes.

"I want to be a detective again." I said. "It's all I can think about. I'd do anything."

"Even hand over your own foundation to a complete stranger?"

"He's not a complete stranger." I said. "He's basically family, he's Eli's stepdad."

His eyes darkened. "No, he's not, not officially."

I reached for his hand and pressed it lovingly; he lifted my hand to his lips and pressed them against my skin gently.

I pulled my hand away, even this tiny contact made it hard for me to think right now.

"If Cindy agrees then we could do it." I said bringing the conversation back to the original topic. "Kevin could step in until we find another solution, then he'd get to know the foundation already and we need more people here."

"You've already mind up your mind." Elliot realized with a knowing smile. "You're going to do it, aren't you?"

"It's like everything else has been pushed away in my mind." I looked up at him. "Going back to SVU, being a detective again..."

Detective Benson was such a large part of my identity and I missed her so much it physically hurt. Elliot was looking at me with wide eyes, taking in all the honesty that was shooting out of me.

"I never thought about it." I said now. "Going back to SVU. It was just so out of reach for me. It was like I didn't even dare to dream about it."

Elliot was quiet for a long time and as he looked at me I could tell there was a sadness in his eyes that pierced my soul. He felt guilty because he was in part responsible for the things I had gone through and the things I had lost.

"Liv." He finally said and his voice was thick with emotion. "If the past years have taught you anything it should be this." His blue eyes met mine. "Life is worth dreaming bigger than you dare to."

George could sense a tension between them. They were communicating with their eyes a lot and smiling at each other.

They had a secret and he didn't like it.

"So you supported her in this?" He asked Elliot directly and he nodded.

"Of course." There was a warm look in his eyes as he looked at Olivia and said: "I would support her in anything she wants to do."

Olivia blushed and turned the to retired psychiatrist. "I called Cindy that night and she was over the moon. She didn't feel abandoned by me or think I was selfish."

George smiled at her. Without having to ask her he had known that she felt that way. But he'd also known her friends would never accuse her of being selfish when she chased her dreams.

"So this is happening?" He asked her now. "You're going to be a detective again?"

"And Kevin will take over Joyful Heart for the time being."

"What about him and Kathy?" George asked and while Elliot looked annoyed Olivia smiled brightly.

"He forgave her and the two of them are as happy as can be."

"Is that a problem for you?" He asked Elliot and looked right at him.

"I'm not jealous." Elliot clarified immediately.

"He's just petty."

"She ruined your life, Liv." He sounded angry. "So yeah I don't wish her all the happiness in the world."

"I'm over it." She said to George. "I don't care whether she is happy or not, because I have everything I've always dreamed of."

His heart swelled at her words. He wasn't just happy for her, he was proud of her.

"Tell me about your life as a couple." He insisted now. "What's going on with the two of you?"

Two Weeks Ago

Noah squealed happily as I pushed the swing gently.

"It's not that I don't want to teach him." Rafael said as he handed me a coffee cup. "He's just a bit much that's all."

"I think he's great." I had met Carisi a few days ago and while he was slightly eccentric he was nice and from what I could tell he was a good detective.

"Yeah well, if he was shadowing you, I'm sure you'd feel different." He sipped his coffee. "Your boyfriend really did me a favor here."

I laughed and once again realized the rush of happiness I felt at the world 'boyfriend'.

"You could talk him out of it."

"My boyfriend doesn't talk to me about work." I said as I pushed my son again who was still squealing with joy.

Rafael groaned. "This relationship has absolutely no use for me."

I laughed and was surprised by the sound. I had missed this. Had missed him.

"It's not supposed to."

I continued to push Noah and sip my coffee.

"He's surprisingly good at keeping boundaries clear." Rafael said now as he stood beside the swing to watch Noah closely. "When he was with Monique, I barely noticed they were together. I mean she didn't work at SVU, but she would show up every now and then."

The coffee tasted bitter in my mouth suddenly which was ridiculous of course because we hadn't been together. I knew he had been with Monique Jeffries. We'd each recapped the past three years of our lives. There were bound to be some new people, new romantic interests.

"Shit, Liv." Rafael muttered. "I'm sorry."

"I'm fine." I ran my hand through my hair. "Don't swear in front of my toddler."

"Fuck, sorry."

The look I gave him was so crazed it made Noah giggle happily, but at least he didn't repeat any of the words Rafael had just spouted.

"I really am sorry." He was blushing. "I keep on saying the wrong thing."

"You're fine." I sighed and then made faces at Noah who scream laughed. "So he has an ex. I have a few of those."

My former best friend didn't answer and I could see the pained look in his eyes.

"I miss this." I said indicating to his coffee cup with my own. "Hanging out with you."

"Me too." He was quiet for a moment as we both watched Noah on the swing. "I miss Seattle sometimes."

"I don't." I turned to him with a smile. "I know it's only been a few weeks, but New York is my home. And Calvin's too."

"How is he?" Rafael asked. "Is he still around? Or has he moved out?"

I rolled my eyes. "My 14-year old son did not move out."

Rafael chuckled.

"He's found new friends and they play video games together. He's really thriving and..." I grinned at him. "I think he has a girlfriend."

"Damn, I would have sworn a boyfriend."

"I know." I smiled. "But you were wrong."

"Well who is she? What did he say?"

"He's mentioned her a few times and said she's the only girl who also plays video games and that means she's an elite apparently."

Rafael laughed and I felt like I could breathe again. It had been hard for me to forgive him but missing him had been stronger than the rage. I liked having him in my life and I needed him for the upcoming trail which I tried my best to forget about but that kept me up at night.

"Liv." He said and I knew he could tell my mind had gone to a dark place. "It's not your trail, you're just going there to support Ashley. Even if we lose, it's not your loss, don't forget that."

"Yeah." Even though we were standing in the sun I felt cold. "I already lost."

Rafael looked at me and his green eyes were wide and blazing with emotions. "Yeah, you did and that's painful and it always be painful but try to see it this way: this way around you have nothing left to lose."

We left the park shortly after and Elliot was waiting at home and had already cooked. He barely talked about work, but wanted to know everything about my day off, about Noah and the park, about Rafael.

"You still haven't forgiven him, have you?" I asked when I closed the door to Noah's bedroom.

He was sound asleep.

"It's not about forgiveness." Elliot said after a moment. "I just don't trust him any more that's all."

"I trust him." I said and swallowed loudly. "I have to, with the trail coming up..."

"He's an amazing ADA." Elliot took my hand and pressed it gently. "But a crappy friend."

I laughed.

I didn't think Rafael was a crappy friend. I thought he'd been in a difficult situation with very little room for good choices.

But I didn't want to discuss this with Elliot. He and Rafael had been close too and it was his own decision how he wanted to handle his emotions.

"So." I said as I turned on the baby monitor and sat down on the sofa. "We never really talked about Monique Jeffries."

My sudden approach to this topic made him uncomfortable, but I didn't know how else to do it or how else to say what was on my mind.

"What do you want to know?"

"How did that happen?" I wasn't sure why there was so much bitterness in my voice or what exactly it was that made me so angry towards him.

"Two years ago our paths crossed and she was back in my life. I was separated from Kathy by then and I don't know, we just got together. She was there for me in the trial against Wheatley."

"Did you love her?"

I could tell this question was too direct for him, but he swallowed and then admitted:

"No. I was just with her because she was there and I was lonely."

"Wow."

"Well what do you wanna hear, Liv?" His voice had dropped to something more gentle. "I wasn't over you and I thought maybe if I tried I could love her eventually."

I didn't know what to say and wished I hadn't stated with this topic. It wasn't fair to be this jealous or to feel like he hadn't deserved any form of happiness in the past three years. Especially when that had been everything I'd wanted for him.

"During my torture." He suddenly said I looked up at him. "While he was hurting me he would taunt and ask me about the one person I wanted to see." His blue eyes were wide with emotion and I could feel my own feelings rise to the surface. "That person was you, Liv. As soon as I accepted this truth I broke up with her because it wasn't fair to her."

"I never really tried to get over you." I said. "I mean there was Matt and we had sex once, but I always knew my reality would never be a reality where I was with someone else."

"You're stronger than I am." He said. "I couldn't deal with it. And when I finally started to confront my feelings I found you again."

That's why he's so committed, I realized. Because this was like destiny for him.

"You found me because my rapist hurt other women." I said and could taste the bitter bile in my mouth as I said this truth out loud.

"Those were the circumstances." Elliot didn't flinch at my tone, didn't back away. "But I found you because you and I are meant to be." He paused. "We always would have found a way back to each other."

"Well, if we hadn't you'd still be with some other woman just because she was around."

"Why is this such a problem for you?" He asked and despite my tone, despite my provocation he stayed calm and didn't let me rattle him in the slightest.

I knew then that no matter how broken I was he would never let me self sabotage what we had.

"You were always married." I said and dropped my gaze. "And I was so drawn to you. I loved you so much and you were a married man." I paused, trying to sort my feelings into words. "The fact that you were someone's boyfriend is just...it's painful for me."

I couldn't look at him.

It was painful for me because someone else had been his girlfriend and it hadn't been me. After so many years someone had beaten me to it.

"I'm your boyfriend now." He said gently and I reached for his hand because I wasn't actually angry with him and I wanted him to know that.

We both leaned in at the same time and when our eyes met he smiled at me knowingly. I smiled back because we both knew where this kiss was going to lead us.

"So, did you guys do the deed?" George was a professional and he wasn't angry with them or even disappointed. He knew how difficult this was for couples, especially if they'd been very physical before. The two of them looked at each other and Olivia blushed as she admitted:

"We did the deed."

He wasn't surprised. They had managed to communicate more openly than before and he was happy about that.

Elliot was looking at her and the former psychiatrist could tell there was that tension between them again.

"We did the deed." She repeated and he coudn't tell what she was thinking, her voice was tense. "And then Elliot proposed to me."

Hi everyone! So sorry for not uploaing. Life has been crazy