"Hey JD, can I ask you something?" Rain said. At his inquisitive look, she went on. "Suppose you were stuck in a time loop, like in Groundhog Day. What would you do?"
"I could think of a few things," he said suggestively, giving her a once-over. "I've always wondered what sex would be like in the helicopter."
Rain lightly socked him on the arm. "That's a lovely mental image," she grunted. "But I'm being serious. No tomorrow, maybe forever. What do you do?"
"Hmm… with no consequences?" Rain nodded, and a speculative look grew on JD's face. "I dunno, robbing a bank would be fun. Knocking off a jewelry store. The perfect heist!" His face lit up. "You saw Ocean's Eleven, right?"
"Yeah," Rain said. "It fucking sucked. I mean, what do people see in Brad Pitt?"
An annoyed look crossed JD's face. "No, the original! Sinatra, Dino, Sammy Davis Jr.?"
"Never saw it," Rain admitted. Taking a few loops to sit down and watch through the entire contents of Raccoon City's Blockbuster Video was fairly low on her list of Things To Do With Eternity.
"Jesus, Ocampo!" JD said, irate. "I've got to sit you down someday and figure out where you need to shore up your cinematic literacy!" He shook his head. "Can't believe I'm dating somebody who's never seen the original Ocean's Eleven."
"…You think we're dating?" Rain asked, caught 100% off guard.
"…You don't think we are?" JD replied, equally caught off guard.
Rain's mind went back over their interactions. They'd fooled around a few times at the barracks, sure… grabbed a bite to eat after work every now and then… they'd gone to see that evil magic ring movie a month or two back…
Holy shit, we ARE dating, Rain realized with mounting horror.
"Look, Jack… I don't know how to put this…" Rain began.
He held up his hands. "Hey, no, it's okay," he said, putting on a brave front. "We never really talked about it, did we? It's my fault, really, for just… assuming." He forced a smile. "You know what they say when you assume, right?"
"No, it's not that, alright?" Rain said. "Look, just give me a second…" She turned around and saw Spence and Addison watching with some amusement. "Wipe those smiles off your goddamn faces, you stupid assholes," she growled. She turned back to him. "I… I like you, JD, I really do, alright? But here's the thing: I really am stuck in a God-fucking-forsaken time loop! I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with Alice… and I made out with Olga once… and I was having sex with LJ, this shoe-selling pot dealer for a few days during one loop… and I'm stuck here with emotional blue balls because not one of you assholes ever remember what happens!"
JD studied Rain's face for a moment and resisted the urge to suggest she seek mental health treatment. "…LJ, huh? You like guys who abbreviate their names, I guess." Rain snorted. "And who's Olga?"
Rain gestured in the direction the rest of the team had gone. "You know, the medic. …Hey, what's up with her not having her name on her uniform like the rest of us?"
JD shrugged. "Beats me. She's only been with us a month, maybe they haven't had a chance to get her a custom jacket yet. Or maybe her parents, like, actually named her Medic, and so they put it on her driver's license and uniform and everything, but Olga's like, her middle name, so she goes by that." He thought for a second. "…I guess One is totally onboard with his mommy and daddy naming him that, though."
"…Yeah," Rain agreed, humoring his odd theory. She'd have to try to find out One's real name, one of these loops. "…So, what, are you saying you believe me?"
"…No," JD admitted. "I mean, it's a fun little story you've whipped up, I'll grant you. I'm really hoping that I don't have to subdue you if you go off half-cocked and try to steal Punxsutawney Phil and drive him off a cliff or something."
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence," Addison said, adding his two cents. "Carl Sagan said that."
"Who the fuck asked you?" Rain yelled at him. "One more word — just one more goddamn word — and I'm taking your fake-ass badge and shoving it as far up your ass as my arm can reach, understand?" Addison went pale and nodded. She turned to JD. "Hey, you want evidence? How about this: Addison here is looking for his sister Lisa. She's been discretely working at the Hive, trying to find evidence of Umbrella's wrongdoings." She turned back to the brother. "Shoulder length blonde hair, right? Dark eyes? Cheekbones?"
Addison nodded. "…Do you know what's happened to her?" he asked.
Rain frowned. "…Yeah. Sorry, man, but she died. Same as everyone else down here." She turned away from him, feeling embarrassed by his look of incredible grief. "What do you think?" she asked JD.
He shrugged. "Maybe you just skimmed through employee dossiers on Kaplan's little computer on the way over here," he suggested. "The sister's name and face stuck with you for one reason or another, and it's not too hard to connect the dots between the two siblings, a badge which doesn't show up on RCPD's database, and the potential motivations for someone working here for less-than-legit reasons."
The lights abruptly went out. "…Okay," Rain said. "Here's a real doozy of some future knowledge. One, Olga, Vance, and Warner are all dead now. A hallway was boobytrapped with a bunch of lasers and sliced them to pieces. Alice and Kap just shut down the Red Queen, but before they get here there's gonna be a big loud noise off in the far side of the room."
"…And that big loud noise is?" JD asked, looking very unamused.
"Look, JD, promise you won't just call me a crazy bitch to my face, okay?" Rain asked. JD stared at her for a minute before finally nodding. "…It's a zombie. Umbrella was working on some seriously nasty shit down here, and that fuckstain released it!" She jerked a thumb in Spence's direction.
"…Okay, Rain," JD finally said. "I… won't call you a crazy bitch, but…" He sighed. "…I really, really hope you are."
Rain snorted. "Yeah, you and me both." They waited in silence for a few minutes until the foretold corner clatter, which made JD jump nervously.
"What now?" he asked.
Rain went over to Addison. "Turn around," she ordered. He complied and she once again undid his cuffs, before going to Spence and shackling him directly to a sarcophagus with the spare pair.
"Hey, what the hell is this?" Spence complained.
"Look, it's either this or a bullet to the head," Rain barked. "Take your pick." She started walking towards the zombie. "You other two assholes, follow me!"
JD walked abreast with her. "There a reason you leaving Mr. Alice behind?" he asked.
"So that he gets torn to pieces by zombies," Rain explained. "This room will be crawling with them in a few minutes."
JD looked more and more uneasy at how casually Rain said this. As far as he could tell, she 100% believed what she was saying, which led him to hoping more and more that she really had just gone off the deep end. Between the creepy lab with the floating corpse and the 'dining hall' that was loaded with what looked like a bunch of modern day iron maidens, though, that possibility was looking less and less likely.
They found the zombie where Rain had said she'd be. "Hey, Addison, tell me if you notice anything odd about this person's blood," Rain said, before drawing her pistol and shooting her straight through the heart.
JD instinctively lunged at her head with the butt of his rifle — she'd just killed someone, for Christ's sake — but Rain ducked the blow and skirted out of his reach. "You tried that shit on me before, man," she chided. "But fucking look at her." JD tore his eyes away from Rain, dread weighing his stomach down like a giant lump of lead as he saw the woman — the zombie — ignore the gaping hole that had been punched right through her chest and stagger forward.
"Her… her blood is coagulated," Addison managed to say, eyes boggling at the walking corpse as it drew nearer to them. "It's not supposed to do that until you're dead."
"What do we do?" JD asked in a small voice.
"You're a movie buff, JD, so you should know this," Rain answered.
JD drew his own pistol, held his breath, then fired a single round into the thing's forehead, and watched it topple over. He turned and vomited against the wall. Rain gently rubbed his back. "You get used to it," Rain assured him.
"Jesus, how do you get used to this shit?" JD wondered.
"Well, it helps when you've done it… half a dozen times? A dozen? Fuck, I'm already losing count." Rain shook her head, before removing Addison's pistol from her belongings and handing it back to the man. "Remember, headshots," she told him. Addison gulped and nodded.
Alice and Kaplan showed up, drawn by the gunshot. Rain gave them a quick rundown of the zombie situation and started to lead them back to the Red Queen's chambers, warning them to only take headshots and to try to avoid shooting the sarcophagi, and for the love of God to avoid the elevator completely. She couldn't help but smile as they heard Spence's screams in the distance.
Once inside the Red Queen's chambers, she gave them another quick rundown, this time of the nature of being stuck in a time loop. Kaplan was skeptical, but JD and Addison both vouched for her.
Alice, true to what her previous iteration said, believed her.
Rain showed them the hatch and explained the need to power the Red Queen back up to open it. Kaplan was just as reluctant as ever to do so, but rigged it so that he could remotely fry her. Rain didn't think that'd be necessary this time around, if they all avoided getting bitten.
The Red Queen was indeed agreeable to helping them out and opened the hatch with little fuss.
Before Rain descended, she stopped and looked at the Red Queen. "Hey, imagine I was stuck in a time loop," Rain said to the computer. "How could I convince you in the next iteration of the loop?"
"Intriguing. Are your friends aware you have lost your mind?" the Red Queen asked.
"Can it with the judgmental bullshit, you little bitch," Rain growled.
"Very well. …I may have an idea. Several weeks ago, as part of a systems test, I generated a file of several hundred thousand passwords. No human being has accessed this file, or is even aware of it. Password number 31,202 is JS47MXRQB3FHCEZKV2Y6NU. Commit that to memory and inform me of it; that ought to be sufficient proof to my future iterations."
"…Jesus, that's a long one. Hold on." She removed her jacket, pulled out a marker from one of its pockets, and said, "Can you repeat that?"
"JS47MXRQB3FHCEZKV2Y6NU," the Red Queen stated. Rain proceeded to write it out on her arm. "…Does your arm come with you when you restart the time loop?" she asked.
"Nah," Rain said, shaking her head. "It's just my, like, memories and shit."
"Then what is the purpose of writing the password on it?" the Red Queen asked.
"So I don't have to ask you a dozen times to memorize it," Rain pointed out. She stared at her arm, on which she had written 'JS47MX'. "…Shit, give it to me again, will you?"
"Something tells me you won't be able to memorize it, even with this method," the Red Queen said, before repeating the password.
Rain made a mental note to grab the remote from Kaplan so she could fry the bitch herself this time around.
They again navigated the tunnels, Rain stopping them before the loose pipes. "Okay, go across one at at time," she said, pointing to the weakened mounting point. Alice made it across, then Addison, then Kaplan. JD began to traverse the pipes, but almost lost his balance as the pipe shuddered from the mounting point beginning to dislodge itself from the wall. Rain grabbed him and yanked him back. "Okay, we've got to go… this way," Rain informed him, pointing back the way they came. "You all go on ahead, we'll catch up!" Rain called to Alice and the others who'd made it across.
After winding their way through the confusing tunnels (Rain resolved to memorize the layout one of these loops), they found their way out close to the labs. Rain did a quick check to make sure nobody was trapped in one of them, then ran with JD to the train platform, where Alice, Kaplan, and Addison were all waiting for them. There was plenty of time to spare on the clock, too.
"Let's get the fuck out of here," Rain declared, as they all boarded the train and Kaplan got to work at the controls. There was no reason to suspect the licker had escaped, but Rain made sure everyone sat away from the walls.
She sat between JD and Alice. JD took her hand; Rain took hold of Alice's hand. Alice gave Rain a hesitant smile; when Rain turned back to JD, he had a big smug-ass grin on his face. "I'm so down for this," he assured her. Rain rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the little smile forming on her face.
They reached the platform beneath the mansion and disembarked. Before slipping through the secret passage and back into the mansion proper, Rain stopped everyone one more time. "Heads up, there are probably gonna be some Umbrella pukes in hazmat suits waiting right outside the mansion's front door. We still have plenty of firepower, so we should be able to just kill them all and get the hell out of here."
"Are we really doing this? Can't we just talk with them?" Kaplan asked.
Rain gazed into his eyes. "Kap, trust me. I've been taken into custody by these assholes on other loops. We're doing the human race a great service by mowing them all down."
"Alright…" Kaplan conceded, still unsure.
They left the platform and approached the front door. Sure enough, it burst open, bright light flooding into the building as hazmat assholes began walking in like they owned the place.
Rain fired first, followed by everyone else. Within seconds, all the science dipshits had been cut down. Rain allowed herself a savage grin, before walking through the temporary corridor they'd set up and emerging out onto the lawn of Looking Glass House, the others right behind her.
A hundred Umbrella stormtroopers stood at the ready, rifles pointed at her and her friends. "Ah, shit," she muttered.
"I'm guessing this is new to you," JD murmured by her side.
"Yeah, but it shouldn't have been." You're getting sloppy, Ocampo, she chastised herself. She should have known that Umbrella wouldn't have just sent in a few sadistic eggheads to secure the Hive's survivors.
"What's the gameplan?" JD asked.
"Start from square one," Rain announced, raising her gun and firing. She was satisfied to see almost a dozen soldiers fall before she was cut down.
XXX
"…Alright, team, remember your briefing," One informed them. "We breach in sixty."
Rain rappelled down and tackled Addison. She turned to JD. "Hey, date idea, let's blow this popsicle stand and rob a bank."
JD chuckled. "Sure thing, Ocampo, after the mission."
Rain lowered her voice. "I'm serious, let's go." She started trying to drag him in the direction of the garage.
"Rain, what the fuck?" JD said, pulling away from her. "Are you seriously trying to go AWOL?"
"Yeah," Rain said. "After we rob a bank or two, maybe we can take our act to Vegas, knock off some casinos, Ocean's Eleven style." She again tried to grab him and drag him to the garage.
She awoke with a headache and with her hands cuffed to the pipes beneath the bathroom sink. "Goddamnit, JD," Rain grunted. Within a few hours, Umbrella showed up, collected her, and put her in the same cell she'd occupied a few loops back.
It only took her a few tries to figure out how to snap her own neck.
XXXXXXXXXX
Took a while to come up with this chapter's title. I like it, because A. It rhymes, and B. There's a secret message in it. (JD 3 ).
When I first started this chapter, Rain and JD's little conversation was just gonna be a springboard to Rain figuring out the most efficient method to rob the banks in Raccoon City, hahaha. And then I realized the scene could take a much, much, much funnier route!
And everything alllllllmost worked out, if not for the crapload of Umbrella soldiers waiting just outside of camera range, hahaha.
Hey, some fun trivia about what a few of the actors from RE1 were up to afterwards:
Eric Mabius (Matt Addison, obvs) has a strong career on the Lifetime network, including a freaking dozen or so long movie franchise called Signed, Sealed, Delivered where he and his postal detective buddies help people who need help and… sent letters that got lost? I'm not too clear on the details, but I've been meaning to start watching them, haha. They sound pretty wild! (Are these people even legally authorized to open up all that mail?)
Martin Crewes (Kaplan) was in another video game adaptation, DOA: Dead or Alive, in 2006. (I remember liking it, but I haven't bothered watching it since, haha). And you all need to go look at the dude's headshot on IMDB. He is a SILVER FOX!
It's December, so a fun pair of movies to watch back-to-back would be Love Actually and Resident Evil. You can watch Hans Gruber cheat on Nanny McPhee like a complete bastard in the first one, then watch his mistress get brained in the second one! That's right, Heike Makatsch played both Lisa Addison and the temptress Mia!