Thanks for reading the first chapter of this new series! Check the end for notes!
A mistake. Subaru Natsuki had made a mistake.
He groaned to himself in his bed as he rubbed his eyes. It wasn't good to think that way. To call what had just happened a "mistake". After all, he had just died.
It was a particularly painful death as well. Not quite as painful as some of the deaths he had experienced in the Sanctuary, definitely better than death by the Great Rabbit, but still not fun regardless. Especially when it ruined his streak.
It had been four months since he, along with a lot of help from essentially every friend he had, freed the Sanctuary. And, coincidentally, it had been four months since he had died as well.
It had been a wonderful four months. Never had he gone that long in this world without dying. Or had this much peace. Since he had arrived in Lugunica, life hadn't exactly been kind to the corvid-haired boy. He found himself thrust into the middle of a political nightmare for the throne of the country, along with having to battle through mabeasts and the nefarious Witch Cult. All because when he arrived, his much less socially aware self had seen a girl who looked like the type of girls he was into in the manga he read back home, and he had instantly become incredibly attracted to her.
Of course, a lot had changed since that fateful day. A lot. While it had only been about six months, it had both felt like it had been longer for Subaru, and it also had been longer for Subaru, due to his looping. The radically new situation he found himself in had forced him to grow up a lot, something he had sorely needed to do for a long time, and that he was essentially forced to do if he wanted to stop dying repeatedly. Nothing like the motivation of avoiding more and more painful deaths to get him to dislodge his head out of his ass.
He was no longer involved in this country's problems because of a token attraction to the pretty, silver-haired, half-elf girl. Of course, that attraction was still there and had blossomed much, much past that point. But that was precisely the point.
He was now involved in the beyond-crazy situations he found himself in because he cared. He cared about the denizens of the manor he now had a permanent place in. He cared for all of them deeply, as they had been with him through thick and thin. Of course, many of his issues had been caused by those same people, but with an ability like Return By Death, Subaru knew he could absolutely never think too deeply about that. It would completely break him. To know that, usually because of his own issues, these wonderful people and allies he had could have just as easily been his biggest enemies. What mattered now was that they weren't, and he would keep doing the best he could for them.
Which brought him back to his previous thought. His mistake, though he again mentally scolded himself for referring to it as that. He made a pact to himself in the Sanctuary to not consider his deaths to be mistakes. That would reduce them to being a mere annoyance, and that would bring him a step closer to being what Roswaal had wanted him to be, along with the Witch of Greed.
His deaths were to be mourned, respected, and not considered mere obstacles. Of course, that wouldn't stop him from using those deaths to help give him an advantage, but he adamantly refused to ever see them as a stepping stone to success or to see Return By Death as a tool.
So, as he woke up in his bed, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let himself shake and shutter a bit. He let just a few tears drip down his face, and quietly cried, allowing himself relief from the emotions all hitting him at once. Frustration, from the mistake he had made in the forest surrounding Arlam Village. Sorrow for the ones in that world who had watched him die or would find him dead. And terror, for how he felt feeling his throat ripped out by a wolfgarm.
He also found comfort in a way he was getting used to, by beginning to gently run his fingers through the hair of the sleeping spirit who rested her head on his stomach. The spirit who looked like an adorable twelve-year-old girl, with bright blonde hair, styled into drill-like swirls, along with pink bows and a small crown adorning her. Even though they had been sleeping, she was still wearing her normal, regal outfit, consisting of a rubine red dress, with white, frilly accents, and a large pink ribbon. It split around her midthigh to show her legs covered in striped pink and purple tights.
This spirit, Beatrice, or Beako as Subaru preferred to refer to her as, had been a big part of how great his life had been in these four months of peace. Even since contracting the great spirit, the two became inseparable, both because she kept his broken gate from killing him, and because as Betty would say, "Betty's contractor has become quite attached to her, I suppose!". Subaru smiled softly as he thought about that, though disagreeing with her. The boy had been fond of his now surrogate daughter for almost as long as he knew her, it certainly wasn't a recent change.
Through his morning ritual of head patting the spirit, along with his reverence and careful mourning of his previous death, Subaru calmed down enough to not have a panic attack. He woke Beatrice with his normal loud, excitable personality, ready to correct the flaw he had made that led to his death.
Honestly, it was a simple fix. He scolded himself for not being as cautious as he should've been the first time.
Arlam Village, the small, tiny settlement within the Roswaal domain that Subaru had grown particularly attached to, had reported an issue of wolfgarm mabeasts edging a bit too close to the barrier of magic stones protecting the village. Of course, they couldn't pass with the stones up, but even though Emilia knew this to be true, she didn't want to ignore the concerned voices of the villagers. She was, after all, trying to become king one day. If she couldn't manage the issues and concerns of a small village, how could she ever rule?
And when her knight learned of the issue, he was eager to help. In the past, Emilia would've scolded the boy for getting too worried about things that were her problem. But the idea of that made her chuckle a bit now. For better or worse, and in this case better, Subaru was firmly a part of her camp now. He was no longer just a cute and silly boy that Emilia was fond of but didn't want to get roped into her complicated matters. He was Natsuki Subaru, her best friend, her closest confidant, and her knight.
Sure, Subaru wasn't a fighter. Or well, he wasn't a very good one, despite his efforts. But that was unimportant considering what else he brought to the table. Tenacity, effort, compassion, and most importantly, despite the first impression he gave many, smarts. Subaru, to all those who had worked with him, was almost scarily tactical and smart. The boy who had brought down the White Whale, made and executed the plan to defeat the Sloth faction of the Witch Cult, and defeated the Great Rabbit was a force to be reckoned with. Especially with Beatrice by his side to provide magical aid.
So Emilia had no issue approving his request to handle the issue in Arlam, thanking him for his help with the smile that had captured the boy's heart.
Now, he had completed his mission, with much ease. Well, it appeared that way at least. Of course, Subaru had died, but it's not like anyone else knew about that, or could ever. Return By Death's secret was forced to be safe with him, after all.
The wolfgarm had, in fact, been edging a bit close to the border of Arlam, due to the weakening of one of the magical stones. Subaru had brought a replacement but wanted to assure the villagers that they were safe. So he found it appropriate to handle this bunch of wolfgarm, an outbreak of them apparently of a separate group than the ones he had seen Rem and Roswaal wipe out back in his first venture in the mansion.
Today, the extermination had been a success, and without any injury, thanks to some extra planning from Subaru. In his last loop, he had made the mistake of only bringing Beatrice and Garfiel with him, instructing the shield of the Emilia camp to watch over the village and bring them peace of mind, while he and Betty wiped out the swarm. It went ok as well, until Subaru got just a bit too cocky, chasing down a fleeing wolfgarm with some of Beako's magic, and slipping on a small mudslide, leaving him a sitting duck for a wolfgarm to tear his throat out. A gruesome death, and one he didn't wish to repeat.
So, when he went back to the village today, he asked Ram, the 'fabulous' pink-haired maid of the Roswaal estate, to accompany them as well. He had to deal with her mocking of "Barasu's inability to handle a simple situation without the full might of the Emilia camp is only telling of his continued incompetence", but the plan went off without a hitch. Ram stayed to watch over the village, while Subaru took Garfiel into the forest with him and Beatrice. With the extra help, the group had no issue exterminating the pack of wolfgarm.
The villagers thanked him and his team, and he got to return to the estate happy, the job successful. Of course, he wasn't in as high of spirits as the rest of his team, on account of his death to achieve this outcome, but he couldn't help but listen to the playful banter they had on the walk back.
"And then Cap'n ducked one of 'em and I socked 'em right in the jaw!" The golden-haired, demi-human boy proclaimed, in his attempt to recount the fight to his crush. Ram simply smirked at this.
"Of course, Barasu had to have you save him. It's unbecoming but typical of this unearned knight to need defending at every turn," She teased, getting a reaction out of the onyx-haired boy's spirit.
"Betty's contractor was brilliant in fact! Much more useful than the maid who guarded an unbothered village I suppose."
"The village was unbothered because of my presence there. I'm sure those wolfgarm got wind of how I sliced their brethren to pieces back when Barasu needed more protection," The maid retorted, sending another jab at the knight.
Garfiel felt the need to defend his captain and brother, even if he had a crush on Ram, and knew she was just teasing. His captain's awesomeness deserved to be respected! "Cap'n didn't just let me do all the work! He restr'ned one with his cool-ass whip!"
Subaru did, in fact, restrain the largest wolfgarm with his whip, allowing Garfiel to deliver a killing blow. He'd been working on becoming a bit more helpful in a fight, and the whip was a solution his other "brother", Otto, had recommended. After all, Subaru wasn't great with traditional weapons and training could only do so much. But a whip could allow him to assist his allies in a fight without needing too much physical strength. It let him do what he did best, set up his friends for success. Or as his dad would've said, with a well-timed sports reference, "You didn't score a game-winning home run, but you batted the guy in!".
Subaru smiled softly a bit at the praise he received, ever thankful for Garfiel for his belief in him. The boy did have some self-doubt issues, but it was hard for those to stick around too much when the demi-human boy had so much faith and appreciation for him. Garfiel saw the smile and continued. "And cap'n called out where th'yd be attacking from without a flaw! It's like 'e knew where they'd be b'fore they got there!"
Subaru flinched a bit but hid it quickly with a cocky laugh. Garfiel didn't know how accurate his praise was. "Well, I do smell like a freshly baked honey roast to them, it's only natural they'd immediately go to maw my face off. After all, who could resist it?" Subaru boasted, grinning with his eyes shut while pointing a thumb at that "irresistible" face, which of course, earned him a scoff from the condescending maid.
"The only thing tempting about Barasu's face is how tempted I am to smack it every chance I lay my eyes upon it. A truly scary face that only a mother could love!"
The insulted Barasu looked appalled at her words, though of course, he exaggerated it. "Hey, the only thing scary about my face is my eyes and I can't do anything about those!"
Ram was about to respond with another well-timed, appropriately hilarious, scathing comment, but was interrupted by the charming spirit girl riding on Subaru's shoulders. "Garfiel's comment on Betty's contractor was well put I suppose. He really does have impeccable timing always."
Subaru chuckled again, though this one a bit nervously. He didn't really like when people talked about knowledge he could only really have because of Return By Death. Of course, nobody would likely ever be able to deduce he had this ability, considering it was completely insane to even think about. But it didn't make him feel any better about his inability to tell anyone about it. He went to attempt to change the subject but missed his chance.
"Right?! Cap'n is alm'st as awesome as me! It's like he can predict ev'ry enemy's moves!"
"If only they knew that I was nothing like they think I am." Subaru couldn't help but think to himself.
His spirit companion seemed to notice his mood shifting downwards a bit, while Garfiel and Ram continued to banter. She frowned slightly since she didn't know exactly what was said that upset him. She didn't particularly care though, considering what she knew about the boy. The things she knew he did that no one else would or could ever know…
So, she resolved to cheer him up, doing her best to brainstorm an idea. Of course, she could just get off his shoulders and walk next to him while holding his hand. That usually helped. But she could tell he was deep in thought, so she had a better idea, though one she didn't particularly love, since it meant giving his attention to someone else. But, if it was for her contractor, she would manage.
With a reluctant sigh, she informed, "Betty believes no one will be happier with her contractor than the half-elf will be. She will most certainly praise him greatly in fact."
While Subaru had become more mature in the past few months, he couldn't help the boyish excitement that filled his heart when his spirit said that, his cheeks becoming slightly pink and his mood improving instantly as he grinned big. "Hmm… maybe even enough to accept another date with me! Great thinking as always Beako."
The spirit girl smirked triumphantly. No one was better at cheering up her companion than her, she supposed.
"What do you mean she hasn't left her room all day? Is she ok?" Subaru asked, his face filled with concern, as he stood in the hall of Roswaal's manor that housed Emilia's room. He had come to report on the job they had done, as well as get some much-needed time with one of his favorite people, but was stopped in the hallway by the other two maids of the manor, Frederica and Petra. The older, blonde demi-human kept a respectful but stern look, whereas the young, orange-haired, human maid looked almost as concerned as Subaru himself did.
"Ms. Emilia requested to be left alone for the day when I went to bring her her morning tea. She's likely very busy studying for the Royal Selection," Frederica responded, though she didn't even believe her own words, considering the half-elf also hadn't even let her into her room and hadn't eaten all day.
Subaru clearly didn't believe this excuse either, considering his still worried face. He was used to Emilia spending large parts of her days studying, but she would always take a break to have a walk around the garden, communicate with the lesser spirits, or just come and chat with him and Beatrice. Luckily, he had all the evidence he needed when Petra couldn't hold her tongue.
"She hasn't left at all! Not even to eat…"
Frederica looked at the young maid frustrated. "Petra! We are not at liberty to give away our superior's choices and actions."
Petra looked away, with a look of shame but also uncomfortability. "But I heard her crying, Ms. Frederica! I'm a little worried…"
At that, the young knight looked significantly more worried. "She was crying? Ok, now I'm definitely going in." Subaru made a move to walk past the maids but was stopped by the older one.
"Mr. Natsuki, you are Lady Emilia's knight, but you are not allowed to disobey her wishes. The girl just wants some alone time. If she had wanted you there, she would've asked for you."
Subaru almost kept going, feeling a bit angry, but he took a deep breath and sighed, letting his temper calm. Frederica's point of not disobeying Emilia's wishes hit a bit too close to home. He took a step back.
"I… understand. Can you do me a favor, at least?" He asked, a genuine look on his face. Frederica seemed skeptical but nodded. "Just… make sure she eats something, ok? Even if you have to slide it under the door."
The maids smiled softly at the boy's request, happy he was thinking about her and not his need to see her. Frederica hadn't been around when his and Emilia's fight had happened but had gotten the details from Ram. She was glad he had seemed to grow past what Ram had described as a dependency on the half-elf, at least somewhat.
She nodded. "That I can do. We'll make sure she doesn't do anything reckless, like not eating."
Subaru didn't smile, but he looked at them with an expression of seriousness and gratitude and nodded, and headed back down the stairs, electing to spend his day with the manor's other denizens to try and distract himself from the grim feeling he had begun to feel in his chest when he heard about Emilia crying…
Unlike her onyx-haired friend, Emilia's day had not gone well. It hadn't been fine, or ok, or even bad. It had been absolutely, assuredly, authentically awful. Especially when the reason why had left her both feeling dreadful and also like a little kid.
She had a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare is what had kept her in bed all day, not eating anything until well into the evening when she noticed a plate of sliced fruits slid under her door. It made her feel like a crybaby but she couldn't help it. She had never had a nightmare quite like the one last night.
As with most of her worst fears and nightmares, it revolved around the sweet, boisterous, excitable boy she called her best friend. In the past, those fears usually included him, while trying his best, doing something stupid. As much as she cared for him, he was prone to anger at times, especially when it came to someone disrespecting her, something that happened a lot because of her heritage.
Now though, those fears had changed. Subaru was still prone to occasional outbursts and stupid mistakes, but he also had gotten better at holding his tongue and making up for those shortcomings. No, now her fears involved his absence.
It was funny. Emilia, with "encouragement" from Puck had left the boy in the capital after their fight, and although she hadn't felt good about it, she felt it was the right choice. But now, with what they'd gone through together, along with the absence of her father figure, she relied more on Subaru than anyone and couldn't imagine what she'd do if he wasn't around. In short, he was her rock.
That was why, despite the silliness of hiding away all day because of a nightmare, she had done it. Because she couldn't lift her arm without it shaking. She couldn't get out of bed without her knees feeling weak, like they might buckle any second. She couldn't close her eyes without picturing Subaru, collapsed in a mudslide, having his throat ripped out by a wolfgarm…
Maybe that's why it affected her so much. After all, she had given him the responsibility of handling the wolfgarm situation in Arlam…
But even after she heard him in the hallway, presumably returned from his mission, she couldn't calm down. What she saw… it was too realistic. Too visceral. The way he acted while talking to the villagers, polite but with that grin he always had when he was trying to show confidence. The way he praised the spirit girl to the villagers, how she would carry the load in taking out the mabeasts. The way he spoke to Beatrice, their banter. And the way his throat was ripped out, the way the blood splattered all over the foliage and rocks nearby, and the way he struggled before his body went limp… it was entirely too real.
Maybe if Puck were still here, she would've had the strength to get out of bed. She would've had him to talk to, and he would reassure her that everything would be ok. But she didn't. The most loving person in her life had disappeared to free her memories, and the only one who potentially matched his love for her had just been ripped to shreds in her nightmare.
So despite her need to study and be the adult she was supposed to be, Emilia consigned herself to a day of rest, to relax and allow herself to try and forget the nightmare she had last night. Despite heavy resistance from a part of her brain that told her to call for Subaru and try and see what he thought.
Subaru sat up quickly, his breathing hard, his eyes opened wide in panic. He gripped the short sleeves of his shirt tightly, his fingers pressing into his skin. He nearly yelled out her name in fear, until he managed to calm himself, seeing the moonlight leak in from his window, one he always kept the curtain open for, for this very purpose.
Nightmares were common for the young knight. After all, when you had seen what Subaru had seen…
So he always kept one curtain open, so he could look for it when he woke up from a nightmare. The way the moonlight spilled into his room, its trail slightly illuminating Beatrice's hair, seemed to soothe him. As did the stars, and the bright, glowing moon itself above. This was even true for him before he had come to Lugunica. He loved to stargaze, to stare at the night sky. Maybe it came from his name, always connecting him to the sparkling dots above. It helped that the moon always distinctly made him think about Emilia. He didn't really know why, aside from its shimmering, silver shine reminding him of the half-elf's hair.
Thinking of Emilia immediately made his head hurt again as he remembered his nightmare. Most of his nightmares weren't even fake, just exaggerated versions of real things that had happened to him. Tonight's had been Emilia's death at his hands, when he broke one of the few rules of Return By Death: trying to tell someone about it. Subaru had grown used to the feeling of his heart being grabbed at whenever he spoke of his power… but once, he had pushed it too far, and Emilia's heart was grasped, and crushed instead. The scene played out as normal in his nightmare, aside from whispers all around, telling him it was all his fault. That, despite his eventual success against the Witch Cult, Emilia's blood would always be on his hands.
He took a deep breath and glanced down at his wrists. The wrists he kept covered at all times when he wasn't in the comfort of his room. Marked, scarred, and disfigured from the horrid, ugly lines across them. Lines that, while healed, still were visible due to the flaw they left in his skin.
He had picked up the nasty habit after Rem was attacked by the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony. He always did his best to visit the girl each night, despite her comatose state. And one night, he snapped a bit, the voices that loved to speak in his head reminding him that despite his power, he had still failed to save one that mattered so very much to him. He had ripped his flesh open with a knife, finally silencing the voices with his own pain.
Of course, when he stumbled back to his room, Beatrice freaked out and healed his arms. Before he passed out, he made her swear to never talk about it to anyone. As his contracted spirit, she agreed. From then on, he had begun slicing his wrists in his room whenever the pain and grief were too bad. He almost always passed out right after and was promptly healed by Beatrice, in an awful cycle the spirit wished she could stop.
He considered grabbing the knife he kept in his drawer and opening a few lines now, as his head was spinning from his nightmare, those awful but familiar voices beginning to shoot their verbal assault at him. But part of him getting Beatrice to swear to never tell anyone was him swearing to never harm himself if she wasn't around. And considering she was fast asleep right now, he knew she would count that. So instead, he took a deep breath and silently slipped out of bed. He slipped on a long-sleeved shirt, in case someone else was awake in the mansion at this hour, and trudged his way to the bathroom.
As he approached it, he groaned as he saw the light on. Likely Garfiel or Otto, hogging the toilet all to themselves. But, since it was the middle of the night, and he figured it wouldn't be occupied, he quietly made his way up the stairs, to the floor Emilia lived on, using the bathroom there. He did his business, then stared at himself in the mirror for a bit. His eyes were baggy, his usual smile not around.
He wasn't in as bad of shape as he had been the first few months in Lugunica. Then, his intellective issues resulted in him becoming much more manic at times, prone to blow-ups and breakdowns. Now, he just had a quiet, soft, sad aura around him at times. He tried to hide it, with his big smile and quippy attitude. And often, that demeanor and grin weren't fake. He had many moments of genuine happiness with his friends in this world.
But he also knew how much many of them looked up to them. How much they counted on him. To them, he was practically invincible. Sure, he had gotten pummeled by Julius the one time, but head-to-head fights were never Subaru's bread and butter. In all the other encounters he had gotten in, he looked unstoppable to them. Defeating the White Whale, Petelgeuse, Garfiel, and the Great Rabbit, all on his first try. He had saved Emilia from an exploding carriage, outsmarted Roswaal and his schemes, and saved everyone from the Sanctuary, all without a hitch.
But there had been a hitch. There'd been many hitches, in fact. A whole mess of hitches. But they didn't know. They couldn't know. How weak Subaru was, how powerless he was without knowledge he could only gain from gruesome end after gruesome end.
To everyone, besides Roswaal, he was unflappable. And the pressure to seem like that person, the upbeat, cocky, always one-step ahead tactician of the Emilia camp… it ate him alive, day after day. It forced him to bring up that fake smirk and disposition more and more.
Sure, he got to let it go around Beatrice. Only the spirit knew how wrecked his mental really was. But even she didn't know the full story, instead just thinking he was stressed from how hard he worked, and from his insecurities.
Nobody knew the truth. Nobody could ever know the truth. That he was a complete fraud.
Subaru nearly slammed his fist on the magnificent marble countertop. He hovered his fist an inch from it. That wasn't him anymore. He may have been insecure, weak, and incapable… but he was not indignant anymore.
He splashed some water on his face and dried it. He quietly exited the high-class bathroom, hoping not to wake anyone. But clearly, someone was already awake, or seemed to be, considering the stilled sobs he heard down the hall.
Sobs he immediately recognized as Emilia's.
Subaru's mind quickly morphed from his self-loathing to protectiveness, showing the strength the boy had that he refused to acknowledge. Regardless of his thoughts of himself, and his thought that he had nothing to offer without Return By Death, one of his greatest traits was his ability to conquer his weakness, to lift those around him up.
Earlier, he had accepted that Emilia needed time to herself. But if these tears had plagued her all day, he was no longer in the mindset to accept her decision. As strong and amazing as he knew Emilia was, she wasn't perfect. She, just like the boy, had a habit of wanting to handle things by herself. And while at times, Subaru had become complicit to those efforts, this specific time was not one of them.
He softly walked down the hallway, before gently tapping his fingers against her door. But knowing this was important, he didn't give a normal knock, instead knocking to the tune of a song he liked to hum to himself. It was a love song back from his home that he happened to enjoy, and that one day Emilia was curious about after she heard him humming it while cooking. He was a bit embarrassed, but he demonstrated the tune to her, and she found it as comforting as he did. Now, they always smiled at one another when they heard the other humming the tune. He hoped she'd recognize it in knock form.
For a few seconds, it was silent. Then, he heard her voice through the door. Quiet and soft, her voice was always one of the most soothing things for him. "S-Subaru?"
He responded softly, in a tone she didn't hear from him often. Subaru's enthusiastic personality could be calmed, but even when he was more at ease, Emilia usually still heard the hint of confidence in his voice. But right now, it was soft in a much different way, one that perhaps made her heart flutter a bit, as it made him feel more honest and genuine than ever. "Can I come in?"
Emilia hesitated. She was a complete mess. Soaked in tears, still in her sleepwear, and unable to stop shaking. She looked weak. She wasn't supposed to look weak ever, she was fighting for the crown.
But… it was Subaru. Her knight and best friend. The one person who she could always be weak around and not be judged for it. She took a deep breath and sniffled quietly, her voice breaking a bit, "P-please…"
Subaru heard that, and opened the door quickly, stepping in and closing it behind him. He looked at her and felt his chest hurt. It wasn't easy to see with just the moonlight, but her face was clearly tear-stained and her eyes were completely bloodshot. Some of her hair was sticking to her face because of the tears, and she was still sniffling. Her modest night dress was also dotted with wet marks. Her arms held the edge of her blanket at her waist, but they were trembling constantly.
She looked at him with an expression of pure sorrow, making Subaru curse himself internally for ever listening to Frederica earlier. He should've run to her as soon as he heard she had been crying. He was a terrible knight.
Regardless, he now made up for that mistake, quickly making his way to her bedside, and the second he sat on the edge and opened his arms to her, she wordlessly hugged him and buried her face into his chest, her weeping increasing immediately as she stopped holding back. She let her tears flow, more than they had at any point today. She couldn't say anything between her cries.
Subaru just held her, his teeth clenching in grief. What had done this? He was terrified to move a single muscle, not wanting to disturb her, hoping this was enough to calm her enough to talk to him.
It took a while, which Subaru didn't mind, but eventually, Emilia's tears slowed enough for her to talk. "I-I'm sorry…" She whispered.
Subaru hugged her tighter and shook his head. "Don't apologize. Just tell me what happened."
"It's dumb…" She whined a bit.
He pulled his face back to look her in the eyes. His expression was serious as can be. "I don't care how dumb you think it is. If it upset you, I want to know."
She looked at him with an expression of shock, as well as gratitude, and sighed softly. "I just… I had a nightmare."
Subaru nodded and tensed a bit. He would never have treated what upset her as if it was dumb, but especially not now. Not with his own experience with nightmares. He brought her back into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," He finally replied, his voice shaking a bit.
The silver-haired half-elf was even more shocked now. She hadn't expected him to say that. She would've expected to be called silly or maybe hear him say something heroic, like "Don't worry, I'll keep you safe." Both things that would not have made her feel better. But his genuine concern, his treatment of her pain as though it were incredibly serious… it made her heart warm and made her squeeze the boy tighter.
He gently asked, "Do you want to talk about it? If not, that's totally ok. I'll stay here as long as you want me to regardless."
She shook her head in his chest and pulled back to look at him, her eyes still showing pain, but a bit more resolve now. "I want to talk about it. It'll help, I think."
Subaru just nodded, giving her a look of patience and openness, ready to lend his ear to her. He still had an arm wrapped around her and found his other hand being held by hers, her attempt to comfort herself enough to tell him about her nightmare. He hoped she didn't see his gentle blush from the contact.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She sniffled a bit and began, "It… it was um… about you." Subaru nodded encouragingly for her to continue, and with that, it all came spilling out.
"You were… you were in Arlam. You had shown up with Beatrice and Garfiel to take care of the wolfgarm problem like I had asked you to. You left Garfiel to watch the village and headed into the forest with Beatrice, to take out the pack. It… it seemed to be going well but you… you chased after one. You s-slipped on… on some mud and…"
Her retelling paused as she began to softly sob again, into his arm, the next details clearly too much for the girl to say out loud.
But Subaru didn't need to hear the rest. Because he had already seen the rest. He had lived the rest. And he had died in the rest of her nightmare.
His blood ran ice cold, and his body froze. Despite the chill, he began sweating bullets. His vision went blurry, and his headache returned, magnified by a million. He began shaking as much as Emilia was and his fingertips felt numb. His chest felt tight, which made him begin to start breathing harder and faster, feeling like no matter how much air he sucked in, none of it reprieved his lungs. They felt empty and in pain, causing him to breathe even harder, even faster, as he began to hyperventilate.
There was no mistaking it. Every word that spilled from Emilia's mouth about her nightmare was an exact retelling of his first attempt at today. His first stab at the wolfgarm problem. The endeavor that left him dead in a pool of mud with his throat torn out.
She shouldn't know. She couldn't know. Subaru wasn't an idiot, he had died plenty in Lugunica, and every time, he was the only one who remembered the world before it was reset. He was the only one who remembered his attempts and failures. The many, many disastrous outcomes. No one had ever remembered a single detail from those lives, not even dreaming them like Emilia claimed to have. Not even Roswaal, who knew Subaru had some ability to loop, kept any memories.
The only person who knew anything about his loops was Echidna, and even then, that was in the Castle of Dreams, a place separate from the world. This was not supposed to happen.
As Emilia began to cry, her tears slowed when she noticed her knight's shaking, and then his breathing. She immediately looked at his face and saw a look she didn't often see from him, even though in reality, he made this face quite often, just in timelines she had never seen: terror. Not fear, or alarm, or unease. Pure and utter terror and despair. His eyes were wide and glossed over and his stare seemed to be a thousand miles away, along with his thoughts. His mouth was slightly agape and his nose and eyebrows quivered like his arms were. He seemed to be muttering to himself, things she couldn't make out.
She brought his hands to his arm, grasping it, trying to make him look at her. "Subaru? Subaru what's wrong? Please, talk to me, you're scaring me," She stammered but got no answer. He was in a completely different world currently.
She began to panic. Had her nightmare freaked him out that much? Did he have similar nightmares and it triggered something in him?
She wasn't good at this. She didn't know what to do, especially when she wasn't exactly in the best mental state either. She was nothing like her knight, who seemed to always know what to say. She was weak, not a leader, someone who took but never gave. Someone who always needed to be saved but could never save anyone.
The same insecurities she had shouted at Subaru while in the tomb of the Witch of Greed when he had told her he loved her. When he had helped her conquer the hardest thing she had ever been faced with. The same ones he had helped her begin to move past, in an effort to see herself as her knight saw her. Brave, powerful, and worthy of praise.
He had helped her then. So she would shake off the weight on her mind to help him now.
She gently moved her hand from his grasp to his chin, and softly moved him to look her in the eyes. His glossed-over eyes seemed to clear up a bit when she looked at him with an expression of care mixed with stubbornness. She was gonna help him and she wouldn't take no for an answer, just like he always refused to.
"Subaru. Tell me what's wrong… please. I'm here, you can tell me anything."
He continued to shake a bit and grit his teeth. He had always hated having to hide this from her. His most precious secret. Something he had always wished he could tell her, tell someone. But Return By Death's one rule made it impossible.
He despised keeping things from her. Emilia was so caring and accepting, but the one thing that always hurt her was when people lied to her. When they broke their promises. He had seen it a few times and it always made his heart sink. He had been the one to break a promise to her a couple of times, and the way her face looked, so hurt and broken… well thoughts of that had been the inspiration behind quite a few of the lines on his wrists.
He'd have to lie to her again. Makeup something about why her nightmare affected him so much. But she would see right through him as always, and despite her tendency to usually let things like that go, he had a feeling she wouldn't let him leave her room until he told her the truth. Even though doing that would kill her, literally.
But a small part of him, that part of his brain that was always running, always scheming and planning… it wondered. She clearly had a dream about one of his failed attempts… that shouldn't be possible. And yet, it happened. The impossible had happened once today… so maybe it could happen again.
It was risky. If his intuition was wrong, at best he'd get punished and would start having that squeezing pain on his heart, which would freak Emilia out even more. And at worst… well his nightmare from tonight would be repeated. And in his current mental state, he was horrified by what that would do to him.
As he was thinking, he suddenly felt a warm embrace. He hadn't realized he was frozen in place while he was thinking, but Emilia had brought him into her arms in a final attempt to get him to talk to her. She held him as close as she could and squeezed him tight. She whispered just one word in his ear, so softly yet with so much conviction and care, that it broke the stalemate in his brain of what he should do. "Please…"
His silence and shaking were broken by a sob, as he embraced her back, and cried softly into her ear, all his emotions from the night pouring out into his tears that softly dripped onto her waiting shoulder. His thoughts of anger, inadequacy, self-harm, and insecurity turned into nothing but deep feelings of grief in front of the half-elf, this girl who had done so much for him. The girl he pledged himself to as a knight, who he talked to every day about all things, important or otherwise. The girl who he called his best friend, and who trusted him more than almost anyone. The girl he had repeatedly confessed his love to.
She let him cry all he needed, as he had done for her. Trusting this was a step on the way to discover what was bothering him so much. She gently rubbed his back as he cried, and stayed silent. She listened to his cries, ones that contained so much held-back pain. She forced herself to memorize their sound, determined to stop it from ever existing again. His job as her knight may have been to always watch and protect her, but her job as his best friend was to never let his sorrow get as bad as it was now.
As his tears poured and eventually slowed, he took a deep breath. It was now or never.
He very weakly leaned closer to her ear, and whispered hoarsely, "I… have something to tell you. You… probably won't believe me. But I promise, I swear to you, every word I'm about to tell you is true."
She pulled back a bit, to look into his face, her expression filled with worry. But she nodded, wanting to stay confident for him. "I trust you. Please, tell me."
He nodded softly and took her hand. He looked down at it, and gently squeezed it, images flashing in his head of his nightmare. Of a past attempt to do what he was about to do that had failed so horribly. But, he also felt a faint glimmer of hope. That things would be different now. That something had changed.
He looked her in the eyes. "Emilia… I can… Return…" He hesitated… he felt no chilling sensation. He didn't feel the world freeze around him. Maybe it happened if he continued?
"By…" He didn't feel the hand, the ghostly presence that seeped into his chest to grasp his heart when he had talked about his ability in the past. Or that ghastly, horrible tone that always played in his ear when he invoked its name.
"Death." He felt himself freeze up. He waited in eerie expectation for something to go wrong. But he felt nothing. He blinked, and his eyes refocused as he looked at the most precious person to him. And she was… completely fine. Her face was as soft and angelic as ever, her hair glowed with the silvery shimmer he was so fascinated by, and her eyes as piercingly beautiful as they had ever been. The only thing that was a bit different was her countenance, which had changed from concern to confusion.
"Subaru… what… what is Return By Death?" She questioned, and in that moment, the young boy's entire life changed.
He had been able to tell one person, just a singular person, about Return By Death. Echidna, who had already known about it, and who Subaru had barely even known at the time. And even then, he had broken down, unable to comprehend the simultaneous feelings of utter alleviation and anguish he had felt.
And now he found himself able to talk to Emilia about it.
He was inconsolable, collapsing into her with wails that would've woken up anyone else who lived on this floor. Every ounce of energy he had poured out of him in the form of tears, his early cry seeming like a mere sniffle in comparison. There wasn't a word to describe the way he felt, too many different emotions clashing in his head as he blubbered and shook like a child in the arms of the girl he loved.
Some other time, he may have made a joke about himself here. Here he was, trying to be a brave, dependable knight for her, and he was crying in her arms. But right now, nothing was farther from his mind.
Her concern grew, seeing him weep so arduously. Her earlier thought of him just being upset about maybe sharing a similar nightmare to hers was gone, as she realized just how serious this was. So many times she had seen this sweet boy holding in his emotions, trying to be strong. And she had seen that effort break at times, as he cried or let his feelings out. But never like this. His previous emotional bursts seemed like small cracks in comparison to the damn that had just burst.
She continued to hold him, tighter than ever, not wanting him to be more than an inch away from her. She'd always been protective over him, but that feeling intensified, seeing how much he had been holding in for so long. She wanted nothing more in this moment than to do anything she could for him, to help him past this, to learn of his sorrows so she could share them with him as he had done for her. So she let him cry for what seemed like almost an hour, no words shared between them because they weren't necessary.
After he began to calm slightly, she whispered to him, as soothingly as she could, "You've been through so much, haven't you?" She continued to gently rub his back, wanting this young man who was so precious to her to trust her enough to open up completely to her.
He nodded weakly as he cried, knowing she couldn't comprehend the extent of what he had been through. Or she hadn't been able to, until now.
He owed her an explanation past a simple name. He took a deep breath and began to speak, tears still crawling down his cheeks, and his eyes still buried into her shoulder. "I… I die. Over and over."
Emilia's hand on his back clenched a bit and stopped moving. What had he said? Surely she misheard…
He continued, looking up a bit and rubbing his cheeks to clear his tears, "I-I die… and then I come back. To a moment in time I can never choose… and do it over… and over… until I succeed."
She pulled back to look at him but found herself unable to look into his eyes, as she felt the most powerful grip of agony erupt inside her. The words he said made no sense. "S-Subaru please sto-"
He didn't. He knew these words sounded so insane she would've thought he was crazy, so he didn't hesitate to prove it. "In your nightmare, when I told Garfiel to guard the village… his exact words were 'I'll be as watchful as a mast'r swordsman is prideful.'," He contested, knowing his words were true. And as he saw the way her face morphed from disbelief into pure misery, he knew that Emilia knew it too.
Still, she tried to deny it. Or at least avoid the truth. "H-how… you… you can't know that…"
He again connected their hands, watching the way their equally unsteady digits shook as they touched. He spoke like a broken man, his feelings of grief now resigned to simple emptiness, "I do know. I know every detail… because I lived it. I died. I failed to beat the wolfgarm originally, and you and I both saw one kill me. Then, I woke back up in my bed this morning, all the memories still there, and went back and succeeded. Just like I've done at every point since I arrived here. And now, despite it never happening until now… you remember it just as well as I do."
It was Emilia's turn to completely freeze. Everything he was saying was complete and utter madness. Time completely resetting after he died? That was impossible. That was beyond the ability of even Reinhard, someone who could have every and any ability he wanted at the drop of a hat.
And then her brain began to run over time. Thinking about all the things she'd been through with him, or heard him do. This boy who, by comparison to everyone around them, was incredibly physically weak. With no Divine Protections and even before his gate broke, very limited magical ability.
Yet he had brought down the White Whale on his first try. Defeated Petelgeuse and his force with hardly any casualties. And his accomplishments in the Sanctuary had been prolific. She thought about how he always seemed to be one step ahead, how he sometimes seemed to have information he shouldn't have. And everything began to make sense. And it scared her.
She nearly jumped away from him, the sleep-deprived and drained part of her brain almost going into fight or flight when his explanation began to make sense. If he was telling the truth… he had no limits. He could keep redoing things over and over until he got what he wanted. The idea of that disgusted her so greatly.
Then she looked at his hand, holding hers, trembling constantly. Her eyes moved upwards to see his chest, heaving and breathing hard. To his neck, which was drenched in sweat, making his collar a darker color than the rest of his shirt. And then to his eyes. His normally angry-looking eyes, ones she still found herself fascinated with all the same, didn't look angry. They didn't look scary, manipulative, or confident. All they showed was sadness, weakness, and suffering.
In an instant, her heart which was beginning to freeze over instantly melted and warmed with nothing but compassion and worry for Subaru. It was so clear that despite how insane his ability was, it brought him so much torment. The way he looked at her was like he was trying to fully explain the absolute hell he'd been through with just his eyes and quivering lips.
Guilt overtook her for thinking for even a second that she should be scared of him. In a vacuum, yes, the ability to redo any decision, any day, change any outcome… it was horrifying. But this wasn't a vacuum. She knew the person who had this ability, and she would've trusted no one besides him with it.
She pulled him back into a hug, so tight it hurt him a bit on account of Emilia never fully aware of how strong she was. Subaru's tears begin to stream again at the hug, feeling so relieved that she didn't hate him for this. That she didn't send him away in horror at what he could be. That she trusted him and that she believed him.
"I'm so sorry…" He whispered sadly into her ear.
"You're sorry? I'm sorry!" She exclaimed back, begging to cry with him now, feeling so shattered for her knight.
Her words and tears, along with his emotional state feeling so vulnerable right now, made him chuckle a bit, and smile at her softly through his tears. "We're both a mess."
She laughed back and nodded, still crying hard but smiling a bit as well. They both devolved into crying, laughing messes, hugging each other tightly, while the insanity of the moment made them unable to speak. They didn't need to, however, since all either wanted in this moment was the comfort of one another.
Their hug of emotional highs and lows lasted for around ten minutes before they both began to calm down a bit, understanding that much more needed to be said. They each gave each other one last squeeze before gently pulling apart, though still sitting with their knees touching and keeping their hands clasped together.
She gently squeezed his hand, and asked softly, "So you… mean it? You… when you die you… come back in the past?"
He nodded somberly and sighed. "I promise it's true. I… I call it Return By Death."
She nodded back, understanding the name now. She made a bit of an uncomfortable look as she glanced down at her lap and asked a question that made her feel greedy for bringing up so early in this conversation, but she needed to know. "Why… didn't you ever tell me? I know that it's… hard to believe. But you could've convinced me like you did tonight."
He squeezed her hand softly and used his other hand to make her look at him. "I promise, it wasn't a trust thing. I… tried to tell you."
She looked confused. "Why did you never go through with it?"
He grit his teeth so hard he almost chipped a tooth and choked out the answer, "I did… you… died." He saw her bewildered expression, and explained, "It was… one of my failed attempts… after you left me in the capital I um… tried to come back a few times. And encountered the Witch Cult every time. But I… made it back one of those times and told you about Return By Death… normally when I try to tell someone, time seems to freeze and my heart hurts, but I powered through it. But whatever gave me this power… they didn't seem to like that and they…"
He shuddered a bit violently and she squeezed his hand, telling him he didn't need to continue. She understood. "So you… can't tell people about it? Or can you just not tell me?"
He shook his head. "Nobody. I'm not supposed to be able to tell anyone." It was obvious why he sounded so stupefied and it was the same reason she was. Why could he tell her now? "What changed…" He muttered to himself.
"Do you know… where you got this power from?"
Subaru grimaced at the question. He did, but he was trying to avoid that exact inquiry. But now that he could tell Emilia his biggest secret, he didn't want to lie to her about anything ever again. He nodded softly. "I do… but you won't like the answer."
She frowned but gave him a reassuring look. "You can tell me. I won't be mad."
He sighed. "Satella. The Witch of Envy."
Emilia had expected something bad. Roswaal maybe did something insane. She knew Puck was powerful, so she thought for a second it could be him. It even crossed her mind it could be one of the Witches, like with the abilities the Sin Archbishops had.
But no name could make the silver-haired half-elf's blood get as frigid as that one. It was the absolute worst-case scenario. But her emotions were so overtaxed after this whole day, that she was too worn out to freak out or cry anymore right now. She just slumped a bit and sighed. "That… isn't good."
He nodded in agreement, even if his opinion of the Witch of Envy was a bit different than hers. After all, he had promised to save her. "I… don't know why she's letting me tell you now. But I… just have this sickly feeling in my gut that you're the only one I'm allowed to. The nightmare you had… I'm assuming it wasn't a nightmare, but just you getting my memories of my failed attempt. But since my restart happened right in the morning, you probably assumed it was a dream."
She nodded. That would make sense, since the more she thought about it, she could remember it too detailed to be a simple nightmare. Especially since she could remember the rest of the day as well, even before Subaru had set out for Arlam. Her early morning tea, the "calisthenics" Subaru had made a habit for the mansion goers, the lunch Frederica had made… it made more and more sense now.
It made her ache so badly. The memories she had from that day, that "failed attempt" made her feel so sickly she couldn't leave bed, but she didn't experience a fraction of what Subaru had. He had died. And he had had this happen seemingly various times. And yet he still managed to be sane somehow. And not just sane, but kind and supportive. He listened to her silly rambles and worries, Garfiel's constant boasting, and bantered with Ram back and forth. He went with Otto and her on business ventures, visited the village just to see the people there, and played games with the children there.
He managed to be so hardworking and thoughtful, while he was going through death? And painful ones she would imagine, considering the foes they had faced. The idea of that… it just made her want to hold him as close as possible for the rest of time, to let nothing ever be near him, to not let him feel any pain ever again.
As he saw her deep in thought, a truly sad look on his face, he felt awful for what he was laying on her. "I'm sorry… I know this is a lot."
She shook her head. She looked up at him with resolve. She wanted to be like him. She had thought that many times, but now more than ever, she wanted to. She wanted to be so strong, persevere as he did, and always be able to look forward. So she held his hand confidently, with reassurance. "Tell me everything."
He looked at her confused. "What do you mean?"
She didn't back down, looking at him with a fire in her eyes. She wanted to understand him now, more than anything. She wanted to be his rock like he was for her. Now that she knew this secret, this painful existence he went through, she wanted to fight right by his side and protect him as he had for her. And to do that, she needed to know everything.
"From the beginning. Tell me everything. I'll stay up all night with you if I need to. I want to know what my knight has been through, what things I need to start thanking you and making up for."
He had never been so shocked. He truly cared for and loved this girl, and he knew how strong she was, but after all he had told her tonight, he never expected this. For her to want to truly grasp all the pain he'd been through. But he found himself so eager to finally be able to share it, to get it off his chest.
"If you are serious… it's not light. It's… well it's brutal and embarrassing as hell for me," He disclaimed, with a dry chuckle.
She returned his chuckle with a small laugh of her own, and then a warm smile. "No promises I won't cry some more… but I want to hear it. I want to feel truly connected to you."
He smiled at her. A smile that burned with gratitude for the half-elf girl, as he felt his heart become even more entrapped by her.
"Half-devil". That's what many called her, because of her half-elf nature and her silver hair reminding them of the Witch of Envy. Subaru had always despised it with all his being. Hearing someone call her that was one of the quickest ways to get the former social outcast to instantly see you as a permanent enemy.
And it was just untrue. Emilia was nothing close to a half-devil. She was a pure angel to him.
Their talk went far past the night, and into dawn, the sun's beams cascading into the room as he finished his retelling of all he had been through since he arrived in Lugunica. He left out the part about being from a whole other world. Even with what Emilia now knew, he knew it'd be nearly impossible to fully explain that.
She learned everything. About the first day, and how he used his power to eventually achieve victory against Elsa. Then, about his time fighting to survive in the manor, working around both Rem's suspicion of him and the curse from the boss wolfgarm. She learned about his time in the capital after she had left him there, and the absolute nightmare he went through to defeat the White Whale and Petelgeuse. And finally, his failed attempts in the Sanctuary, his meetings with Echidna, his deaths to the Great Rabbit, and his difficulties dealing with Garfiel and Roswaal.
She listened attentively, though not without breaks, as she hadn't anticipated it to be quite as awful as it was. She cried, hugged him, and apologized aplenty for the challenges he found himself facing, quite a few of which she felt awful for causing. She was particularly guilty feeling for now learning why he had had such an outburst in the capital during their fight. As well as wanting to throw up when he told her of the time in the Sanctuary when he had survived the Great Rabbit, just to be greeted by a version of her that had completely broken mentally and acted incredibly creepy around him. She swore to herself she'd make up for both of those, along with everything else she had done to her lovely knight.
It was even worse since, oddly enough, she seemed to have a perfect mental image of everything he described, as if his memories of all his loops had become a part of her recollection. Which made what she saw in her head when he talked about his deaths or some of their friend's desmises especially painful.
By the end, he was shaking from exhaustion and a bit of fear that she would think worse of him now. After all, she now knew the truth. He was not this strong, genius tactician who seemed to take all the challenges in his life in stride. He was a nearly powerless, average person who had to die over and over to achieve his goals. And he had had far worse mental problems that she hadn't known about before since he told her about his breakdowns in some of his loops. Surely nobody could see him as anything but a weakling after learning the truth about him.
Imagine his surprise when she hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek, before whispering to him in awe, "You're unbelievable, Subaru."
He felt his entire body warm, not just from the gentle peck but also from the compliment, the complete opposite of what he had expected to hear. "U-unbelievable?"
She nodded, and gently pushed his head onto her shoulder to rest. "You've been through so much… so much pain and anguish… so many of those closest to you have been unfair to you and have hurt you. Yet you're so kind to them all. You keep coming back, trying to save them even after they wrong you. You keep fighting even after most people would think it's hopeless… there's no way to describe it other than that. Unbelievable. I truly don't think anyone else could do what you've done."
He looked up at her from his place resting on her shoulder. Tears were beginning to softly collect in her eyes, and slide down her cheeks. Her lips quivered with emotion. "Emilia…" He said softly but was interrupted by a quiet shush from the half-elf, as she gently began to run a hand through his hair, as if making sure this was all real, that Subaru was here with her.
"You've been through so very much… and I know telling me all this wasn't easy. So for now… please rest," She whispered kindly into his ear, before gently resting a hand on his cheek, and stroking it soothingly.
Her words were a balm for his exhausted brain and body, his eyes already beginning to shut as her words were uttered. He managed to mumble before he passed out, "Thank you…"
Subaru didn't hear her reply. "No… thank you, my amazing knight."
Emilia fell asleep quite quickly after Subaru had, resting on her pillow while keeping his head on her shoulder, not allowing him to part from her side. This caused a bit of panic for the staff the next morning, as they scrambled to find Subaru, not expecting him to be in her room since Frederica hadn't entered when Emilia didn't say anything when her door was knocked on in the morning, on account of the half-elf still being asleep.
They were found, of course, when Beatrice awoke and sensed his whereabouts via her connection to him because of their contract. When she found them, she quietly closed the door, so as to not start a scandal that Ram surely would've teased the two about. While she would've normally been jealous that someone other than her was resting with her contractor, she decided to let it be, on account of sensing the mental clarity Subaru was feeling, more so than she had ever felt from him. She instead left them alone to sleep, told the staff that Subaru had left for an errand in Arlam early that morning, and then helped him sneak out of Emilia's room when he woke up, to avoid the teasing that would've been heaped upon him. Of course, he would still be teased aplenty by Betty, and that was part of her motivation for keeping the situation a secret.
Regardless of the incendiary remarks they would receive, the half-elf and her knight were practically inseparable for the next month, spending significantly more time than ever before together, their bond growing greatly galvanized. While she was studying, he was around to quiz her and crack jokes to keep her spirits up. He joined her for all her walks around the garden of the Mather's domain, she went with him for his visits to the village, stayed by his side when he visited Rem, and they stayed up later than ever during their late night chats.
Of course, most of these didn't include any talk of Return By Death, on account of Beatrice's presence around Subaru often, but they found occasionally time when the great spirit was sleeping or doing other activities for her to ask him some questions about his ability. Most of these questions just cleared up what she didn't know, namely if it had a usage limit or anything like that. Hearing that it seemed to have no limitations, other than his inability to pick his checkpoints or tell anyone other than her about it, both calmed and frightened her. Calmed since she knew it apparently couldn't go wrong and leave him dead permanently, but frightened since that made the horrifying scenario of Subaru eventually breaking and using it like a tool a potential reality…
But she put those thoughts out of her mind since she intended for Subaru to never have to use Return By Death again, if she could do anything about it.
Of course, their increased time together also meant them falling asleep so close to one another didn't remain a one-time thing. Sometimes it was an accident, a result of their late-night talks getting away from them, and them both slipping into slumber. Other times, it was very intentional, on days they felt particularly in need of each other's comfort. For better or worse, they had become anchored together as the only ones with knowledge of Subaru's secret, and that made it hard to part sometimes. And it was allowed by Beatrice, as long as they kept it apporirate, which they both obviously agreed to while scolding the spirit girl for being so scandalous.
This new dynamic between the two seemed to improve both their spirits, along with Beatrice's, considering having Emilia around so much when Subaru was prepared to sleep meant that his nasty self-harm habit reared its repulsive head far less frequently.
Which meant that this experiment was already bearing fruit for the one who had planted it…
Satella watched in… well somewhat in envy, funny enough.
After all, how could you not be envious of the one you loved, the one who you did everything you could for, becoming so close to such an inferior version of yourself?
But then she calmed herself as she watched her beloved. Smiling. Happy. Safe. All things she had always wanted, even if it wasn't her bringing them to him. After all, she did truly love Subaru, and while her heart ached for him, it also ached for him to love himself.
Which is exactly why she slightly altered how his manifestation of her ability worked. She saw the pain he saw when he looked in the mirror, the way his body drooped and weakened when by himself. And she saw all the awful times he had reached for that knife…
That had been her tipping point. Her most cherished scarring his body so… she had to do something.
The restriction of Subaru being unable to tell anyone about Return By Death may have seemed like a cruel tool to isolate the boy. But in actuality, it was another effort to show the boy love and to protect him. After all, if he could tell others about his ability, he would be abused and tormented into using it by others for their gain. Roswaal was an obvious one, along with the Witch Cult. But even those who weren't outright evil, such as the other Royal Selection camps would be unable to resist using Subaru for their gain.
But Satella knew she had to do something. She couldn't keep watching her darling go down this path. And so, she did what she had to. She allowed Emilia to learn his secret, and keep her memories after his deaths.
It was a risk, but a calculated one. While she still was worried about jeopardizing Subaru's safety, if anyone could be trusted with his secret, it was Emilia. Both because of her immense care for him, and her naivety that would, hopefully, keep her away from abusing his power.
It did make her heart break a bit watching how close this made the two. But she stayed calm. She knew her most treasured one would one day pick her over anyone else…
So, she watched in a mix of happiness and pure envy, seeing how this decision would continue to impact them.
And the impact of it would be felt soon, considering the things discussed in the meeting Subaru and Emilia would have with Roswaal L. Mathers one month after his secret became their secret…
Thank you again for reading. Re:Zero is my biggest passion media-wise, and I've considered writing a "what if?" story for it for a while, especially with how many great ones exist. This story will deviate from the original from this point, so arc 5 and so on will not happen the same, or maybe not at all!
Also please know that I'm an anime watcher and not a light novel reader (aside from a few spoilers for some of the future arcs). So if there are lore mistakes I make, I apologize! I do intend to read the light novels after season 3 finishes airing but am waiting until then.
I hope you look forward to future chapters! This series will mostly be centered around Subaru and Emilia and exploring their relationship since I'm a complete sucker for their dynamic. I hope I can do them justice and keep it interesting for anyone who reads it, and I do intend for this series to get into some action as well! It will be fun to explore the dynamics of a normal Re:Zero arc and how Subaru deals with them with Emilia now knowing about Return By Death. I hope you all look forward to seeing the tense moments that will come from that.
I'm happy to read any and all criticisms given to me about this chapter and future works! I want to improve my writing so I'm honestly just happy with people taking time out of their day to give me advice, even if it ends up being negative. Feel free to leave any and all comments and I'll be sure to read them all.
Thanks again for reading!