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Subaru wished all he was dealing with was a nightmare. A horrid, mind-melting, scarring nightmare that he'd never recover from, that would haunt him every night for the rest of his life. One that he'd disfigure his wrists thinking about, that would eat him up inside and make him dread closing his eyes. He wished that was all he was dealing with.
Because if that was the case, at least it would've been something only he'd have to deal with.
As he woke back up in his bed after his horrid death, he briefly worried that his checkpoint was still the day he fought the wolfgarm in Arlam, the day he found himself able to tell Emilia about Return By Death. He woke up in a similar way, shooting up from his pillow, quivering like a leaf in the wind, with Beatrice's head resting on his stomach. His blood ice cold, his eyes wide in horror, and the feeling of dread like that day, but multiplied by a thousand.
Luckily, fate hadn't been that cruel. While it was a similar reset point, he quickly realized it was the night before he had left for Mosous Village. Both because he saw his things packed up and ready to go on his desk, in the same orientation as he had done the night before the trip, and also because of his arms.
A few days before his success in Arlam, he had a rather aggressive cutting episode. His arms still felt a bit sore the day he woke up and helped the village from the wolfgarm.
But since then, he hadn't harmed himself since he told Emilia his secret, her comfort, and often her presence in his room late at night keeping him away from that awful decision.
So when he didn't feel any wrist pain, he knew it must've been the night before his death on the way to Mosous.
And as soon as he put that together, any thoughts of dread and the need to cry retreated deep within him as a different, near-primal need took over. To protect the one he loved most.
Subaru leaped out of bed in his night clothes, a long-sleeved black shirt and dark gym pants. His brain did not even recognize the whines he heard from the spirit girl as his hasty movements briefly awoke her.
He sprinted down the hall at top speed, running to the stairs that led to Emilia's room and climbing up them three at a time, an expression of pure terror plastered across her face. She had cried an entire day away thinking she saw him die in a dream… the girl's knight wanted to vomit thinking how she was likely doing right now, having seen him die right before her eyes.
He tore down the hallway to her room. His lungs were burning but he didn't care. Any thoughts pertaining to his awareness of his current mental and physical state were promptly tossed into the abyss, his brain scrambling to try and get to the half-elf before she went into a full mental breakdown from experiencing and being aware of a reset for the first time.
It was improper to open someone's door, especially a lady's, without knocking. But Subaru couldn't care less right now as he tossed her door open, and stood in the entrance to her chambers, breathing so heavily he was nearly hyperventilating.
He looked into the room to see Emilia sitting up in bed in her modest, pink, silken nightdress. Her blanket was on top of her legs as she sat up, a pillow clenched so tightly between her arms it looked like it was going to burst. Her face was painful for the boy to see, her jaw slack, her eyes wide and unfocused. She looked catatonic, not noticing him walking slowly up to her, his body shaking uncontrollably with every step.
As Subaru finally made his way to her bedside, he reached his trembling hand out slowly to her shoulder, as if to make sure he wasn't in a prolonged nightmare. But as he made contact with her skin, and felt its warmth, he knew this was all real.
The touch seemed to snap her out a bit, as her face slowly drifted to look at his hand, but her eyes were still glassy, as if she didn't see the rest of him.
Her voice was so quiet and weak, every syllable sounding wobbly. "B-blood… i-it's… the b-blood is… it's e-everywhere…"
Her words seemed to strengthen Subaru, if just slightly. She needed help. His quivering slowed a bit, and he put more pressure on his grip on his shoulder. "Emilia…"
Her eyes got bigger and her expression morphed from blank to more and more petrified, her eyes still glazed over as if she believed she wasn't fully tethered to this world. "Blood… s-so much blood… S-Subaru please stop…stop bleeding…"
"Emilia, I'm not bleeding. I'm right here…" He spoke softly and calmly as he could, wanting to get through to her.
She looked up at his face and he saw her lips quiver and her eyes fill with tears, that began spilling down her face. "It's in y-your eyes… I-I wanna see your eyes Subaru…"
The boy gripped her shoulders tighter, holding her still and looking her in the face. "Emilia, there is no blood. It's over. I'm ok now."
More tears poured down her face. She clenched her teeth and sobbed, bringing a hand to his cheek and rubbing her hand on it, like she was trying to get something off. "I-I can't c-clean it all… t-there's too much… p-please, Subaru, stop b-bleeding…"
The way she looked, the things she was saying… they made no sense. That loop was over.
She was hallucinating.
Subaru grabbed her shoulders harder, probably a bit too hard, and begged her. "Emilia, please… I promise it's ok now. Listen to my voice, please…"
She sniffled and nodded softly, which gave the boy a bit of hope. It seemed like she could at least hear him.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I broke my promise," He stammered and she sobbed again.
"N-no… no you… you didn't… there's a lot of blood but you're still alive… please don't die…"
"Emilia!" He shouted, his body shaking awfully. It was his turn to cry now as he lunged forward to wrap his arms around her in an embrace and cry. Between his blubbering, he managed to again apologize, so quietly. "I'm so sorry…"
Subaru had gauged correctly. At first, he thought she was hallucinating images from his last loop because of some way her memories interacted with Return By Death. But he realized… it was her brain simply trying to cope and ignore his death as if it could still be prevented. As if they hadn't already gone back in time.
She wailed louder than ever and thrashed in his embrace, not wanting to accept it. She wanted to deny it. She wanted to deny that he had to go through such pain. She wanted to deny that this was his life, what he experienced constantly. And she wanted to deny that he couldn't keep his promise to her and that she failed to protect him like she had silently promised herself she would.
But she couldn't when he took her hand with his, and touched her finger to his temple, to show her there was no hole. There was no blood or arrow shaft either. His head was intact. He had already died.
As she did, her thrashing ceased. As did her tears and her irrational comments about his blood. And along with all that, she felt her breathing stop. She felt a feeling like her heart was still in her ribcage, as if her entire body was frozen in time. Every remaining drop of resistance and energy she had promptly exited her body as she went limp in her knight's arms. Despite being so close to it so many times, she'd never fully experienced what she was feeling right now.
Emilia felt broken.
How could she not? The person she owed so much to, who was always by her side, always there for her… the one who loved her and who she might love as well… she couldn't do anything to help him. He had died in her arms, without a shred of resistance from her.
If he had died after a long fight, where she did everything she could to protect him from whoever or whatever had killed him, she felt like she might be able to recover from this. She'd feel that feeling she had when Puck had disappeared or when she had relived her memories of her childhood, nearly at the edge of complete despair, but with just a bit of hope, a tether to a happy future she could maybe achieve.
But that wasn't the case. She hadn't done anything to help him. She was useless, worthless, like a simple doll that couldn't move or react. She had no purpose in Subaru's life aside from bringing him additional pain and suffering.
A feeling within her stirred. A feeling she didn't ever think she'd feel. One that, through gaining her knight's memories of his past trauma and pain that she caused, she knew he had experienced as well, and she now understood all too well why he had.
She hated herself.
"Please… please leave," She breathed out, her tone invoking the feeling of hearing a cold breeze blowing through a hollow, dead tree in the knight.
She was still as suspended in animation as before, offering no resistance or movement in his arms. But her message was clear. She didn't want to talk to him right now.
But Subaru Natsuki made no move to leave. "No," He simply uttered and held her even tighter in his arms.
Emilia grit her teeth, more tears pouring down her face. "That's an order, Subaru…"
"Stop…" He warned, trying to calm her.
He felt her skin get colder against the fabric of his shirt. "I said leave…"
Subaru held her even closer, his own teeth now grit from trying to calm his despairing heart, and from the slight pain as his skin felt like it was freezing. "I won't…"
"I don't want you here…"
"Don't say that!" He yelled back, tears beginning to trail down his cheek and drip onto her back, where they slowly froze into ice crystals against her increasingly chilling self.
"Subaru…" She growled almost angrily now.
The boy felt his skin burning now, from the contact he was making with her body that was as cold as snow now. But with the resolve of one who calls himself her knight, he gripped her even tighter.
"I'm not leaving you… I won't ever. You chose me as your knight and now you have to deal with me performing my duties to keep you safe."
Her temperature continued to drop and her voice was full of hurt and pain. "You're disobeying me… that's the complete opposite of what a knight is supposed to do."
Subaru gripped his sleeves to keep himself attached to her, not trusting his grip anymore as he felt what he could only imagine frostbite felt like setting in. He was beginning to get angry as well at Emilia's stubbornness, knowing he couldn't hold on much longer without serious damage to his skin.
"Well, it's what a best friend would do!" He yelled with passion and emotion, doing everything he could to get her to understand what he was doing and why he was doing it.
Because he knew what she was feeling and he had felt it all too often.
The need to be isolated. As if every move he could make would do nothing but cause hell for whoever was unlucky enough to be near him. Subaru was incredibly used to the feeling, from the various loops he'd gone through that resulted in everyone he held dear either dying horrifically or hating him more than they hated the Witch of Envy herself.
It was a feeling of selflessness so severe it looped back around to being selfish. Thinking that one's self was the cause of everything wrong and that everyone around them would be better off without them. That they were doing everyone a favor by disappearing and making everyone's lives happier.
It was a philosophy Subaru held for a time after his various deaths to Emilia's adoptive father after his failings against the Witch Cult. And one that had been shattered into bits by another girl he held love for, Rem.
That selfless thought became incredibly selfish when Subaru was made to realize that he would cause the ones he cared about just as much pain by leaving them behind. That he was doing nothing but being a coward who ran away from his problems to pretend like he was doing the right thing. That instead of acting like all he did was cause those around him to suffer, he could acknowledge and seize his chance to end that suffering by working harder than ever.
It was an odd moment being on the other end of that. Seeing Emilia feel exactly like he had, like if he stayed around her he would only suffer more. He doubted he could help her as well as Rem had helped him, but he refused not to at least try.
He took a deep breath, shivering a bit as the frigidness still racked his body, but he held her as tight as he could.
"It's not your fault."
His words seemed to confuse her, as her tone sounded less angry than before. "What?"
Subaru sighed. "The attack. It wasn't your fault."
"Suba-"
"Me dying wasn't your fault, Emilia."
His words hit her exactly where she was hurting. Her anger slowly morphed into despair as she gripped him tightly. The half-elf's voice cracked as she talked and cried, "You're wrong…"
"I'm not," Her knight spoke confidently, not allowing any seeds of blame to take root in her heart.
"I didn't save you…"
"Neither did Beatrice or Garfiel… but it's not their fault either. None of you are at fault," Subaru rebuked softly to her.
"How can you say that?! You died and I… I did nothing…"
"Emilia… that's not true. You did more than you realize. So much more… you always have…" He disputed, while gently running his hand through her hair to bring her some comfort.
"What… what do you mean?"
Subaru pulled back from their embrace to look her in the eyes, to show her the genuineness in his eyes. "I would've given up so long ago if it wasn't for you."
Emilia sobbed and shook her head. "No… you're strong… so strong… you don't need me."
The knight grit his teeth and his voice burst out, "That's a lie! I would've given up so many times if it wasn't for you! You matter!"
The half-elf looked at him, stunned by his outburst. He sighed and looked down, his emotions dripping off his face, leaving him looking exhausted and a bit hollow.
"I'm not very strong, Emilia. I do try hard… but I can't do very much. I'm not strong, fast, or smart compared to everyone else. Usually, all I can do… is die."
More tears poured down her face. She hated when he was so down on himself when she thought he was so amazing. She almost yelled at him, until he kept talking.
"But I would be so much weaker if I had decided to walk away. To leave everyone I care about here behind. Because what strength I have comes from you all. Everyone dear to me. Ram, Petra, Garfiel, Otto, Rem, Beatrice… and you, most importantly."
"Ram is rough on me, but she means well. She wants me to toughen up and work harder, to improve myself. Without her, I'd be completely spineless."
"Petra sees me as an idol. Someone to look up to and cheer for. She keeps my head on straight. Without her, I'd probably get off track and not try my best to always help."
"To Garfiel, I'm a captain and brother. Someone cool. Who he can brag about and strive to impress. Without him, I'd have no urge to keep a brave face or confident demeanor."
"Otto values me as a close friend. Someone he can rely on and someone I can rely on right back. I'm someone who trusts him to come through when it matters most. Without him, I'd be much less trusting of others."
"Rem… well she saw me as her hero. Someone who saved her from her own despair, and who she could put her utter faith in. Without her well…" Subaru chuckled. "I couldn't even begin to explain how hopeless and weak I'd be without her."
"Beatrice contracted to me because she felt like I was someone who cared about her and needed her. I'm someone who makes her happy and who won't ever leave her side. Without her, I'd be alone so often."
"And you… you're the most important of all. Without you… I wouldn't fight. I would've stopped trying so long ago. You're my rock, Emilia. You give me a purpose, by allowing me to be your knight, by being my best friend, by giving me a reason to smile. No matter the pain I go through, the torment I suffer, the challenges before me… I find myself able to get out of bed every morning because I know at the end of my trouble will be the amazing girl I love."
Subaru smiled softly at her. A genuine, meaningful smile. A smile so warm the freezing aura surrounding Emilia began to melt as if her heart became a furnace when she saw his shining grin. Through tears, she looked at his normally angry, scary eyes… they weren't either of those now. They were bright and big with gentle fondness and care for her.
As her breathing slowly began to return to normal, he took her hand. "I know it's hard… you feel like you should be able to do more… like every issue plaguing me is your fault… but it isn't. Neither are the issues plaguing any of our friends."
"I know you think it'd be better for me if you weren't around. That's why you were being so cold to me. You wanted to protect me and thought if you hurt me I'd hate you… but that's not the right way. I won't get better without you around. I'll be so much worse, so much weaker, so much more sorrowful. You are my strength, Emilia."
She cried softly and tried to deny it with a shake of her head. "But I… I don't want you to die. And all the things that kill you are around because of me…"
Subaru squeezed her hand tighter. "Emilia…"
She wailed and she looked at him with fear for his safety. "You can't keep choosing to be ok dying for me! I just want you alive with me…"
He quickly embraced her again, and spoke quietly to her, "Emilia… I don't intend to ever decide to die for you if I can… but I will always decide to keep living for you."
His words broke her resistance and she bawled into his shoulder, as he told her exactly what she needed to hear. That he wasn't choosing to give his life for her, but that he was choosing to give the life that he had to her. That no matter how often he died, even if she was directly or indirectly the cause of it, he wouldn't hate her or abandon her. That he would continue to love her…
What had she done to deserve him? This extraordinary, endlessly loyal, loving knight of hers…
For the first time since this night had restarted, she gave a small smile. She felt her cheeks warm a bit and her heart speed up slightly. Things she had felt around Subaru fairly often, but this time it felt a little more… real.
She let herself be held by him for a while, enjoying the comfort of his almost guarding embrace more than he could know. Her face was hidden from his view as she rested her head on his shoulder, so he didn't see the tender smile she had. And he couldn't hear the very faint words she mumbled to herself as she found herself peeking up at the strong, protective face of her knight…
"Maybe this… is love…?"
After another few minutes of silence to allow all their thoughts to process, the two sat up on Emilia's bed, much more calm now as they faced each other.
"Thank you, Subaru. I… needed to hear that," She said, breaking the silence with a small smile.
He nodded softly. "I meant it all. You are my strength, Emilia. No matter what we have to go through, we'll do it together."
She nodded and scooted closer to him. "It's fitting you say that."
"What do you mean?"
She gave a slightly weak smile as she pulled him in to lay on her shoulder. "You went through all this trouble to help me see how wrong I was thinking… but you are hurting too, aren't you?"
He wanted to deny it and be strong. But he had died quite awfully…
"Yeah… I am."
Emilia smiled softly at his willingness to be honest and emotional with her. She gently stroked his hair, enjoying how soft it always was. "Well then, if we're going to do everything together… share your burdens with me, my knight."
Subaru smiled softly at her willingness to be caring and attentive to his trauma. But before he could speak, she giggled, and gently guided his head down to her lap. "I think you'd prefer it here."
He sighed contently as he rested on the heavenly surface. "What an absolutely amazing woman you are, Mili…"
She smiled playfully at his tease and poked his cheek. "Such a dummy…"
They both chuckled softly, then sighed. Both felt a bit exhausted after the intense conversation, and the urge to just fall asleep next to each other was strong. But they knew there was work to be done.
Subaru relaxed into her lap for a few minutes, letting his thoughts stir as she caressed his hair comfortingly. Then, he spoke, "It's… never easy. No matter the way I… go."
Emilia nodded gingerly and decided to gently massage his shoulders as he spoke.
"Some of them aren't as painful. Or they're quick, just a flash of pain. But honestly, it's… it's not always the pain. Obviously, that's not fun to deal with but… even if I had a completely painless death, I wouldn't be able to get over it quickly."
"It's hard to describe honestly. Just the intense feeling of dread. I know I'm coming back every time, but it's… like my brain doesn't. Like it needs to rationalize what's happening. To protect me. I feel my body processes shut down as it tries to conserve my energy to keep me alive, but it's torture since it just delays it…"
"I have to lay there, bleeding out or in pain, my thoughts swirling with what I could've done better, how I could've lived, as my body fights to survive. Even though it's pointless."
"I imagine for most people that feeling is great, or at least relieving. You get time to have some final thoughts, remember those you care about, ask yourself if your life was good… but for me, it's just another punishment for messing up…"
"And it's… so much worse if I die with people around me… the looks on their faces, their voices begging and pleading… it haunts me, Emilia. I can't sleep without seeing those faces, hearing those voices."
"And every death adds more to the nightmares. New deaths or pain I've caused that my twisted dreams can use to punish me more for failing. I see all their faces, hear all their voices…"
Emilia decided now was the time to respond, as she gently lifted his head to make him look up at her from her lap. She had a small smile on her face, and a few faint tears running down her cheeks from his description of how difficult it was to live with Return By Death.
"Then look at my face now, Subaru."
The knight looked up in awe as the moonlight hit her face, making her tears glisten and her eyes practically sparkle. Her smile was like shimmering diamonds. She was truly beautiful.
"Hear my voice now, Subaru."
The onyx-haired boy listened in veneration to the angelic voice of the girl he cared so very much for. Her soft, soothing words, a cure for an illness he had had all his life. It was truly wonderful.
"Remember my face now, beyond grateful to you for all you've done for me, smiling at you with trust and hope that you'll always keep me safe. Remember my voice now, thanking you for being my knight, for never leaving my side, and for helping me in my darkest times. Remember those, and all the faces and voices of all those you've helped and saved. Because those matter more in the end, don't they?"
Her words made his heart fill with warmth. The warm feeling spread through his veins, to his hands and fingers, his toes, his skin, every inch of him. Like a reverse of earlier when she had felt icy cold, he felt like he was burning from the heat now flowing through him. But this feeling he welcomed happily, as he smiled softly at her.
"I think I can do that. I can try at least."
She chuckled. "Trying is all any of us can ever do, is it not? And you try harder than anyone, so I have faith."
The knight gave her a smirk. "And I am basically always thinking about you anyway."
She gave him a pout, but she couldn't resist smiling. "Here I am being so kind to you, and you still find to tease me, Subaru. You're quite a bad knight."
He laughed at her admonishment, then smiled softly at her, a genuine grin. "Thank you, Emilia."
The half-elf returned his smile and nodded. "Whenever you need me, I'll be here for you, as you are for me. After all, when you told me to be greedy with you, you also said you'd do the same with me."
Subaru chuckled at her using his own words to her. "I guess I did, didn't I? But isn't it pretty lame for a guy to rely on the girl he's got feelings for?"
Emilia poked his cheek. "I don't care if you think it makes you look bad. I want to be there for you now more than ever. I know I can't ever say anything to make you not be reckless and charge in to save everyone."
The boy frowned. "I can't hel-"
She shushed him. "Let me finish, Subaru. I know I can't change that… but I don't want to. How courageous and determined you are… it's one of my favorite things about you. It scares me a lot too, but I know it's who you are, and it… makes me really happy that I have such a wonderful, brave friend," She finished, with a warm beam.
He gave a small smile back, but she sighed a bit playfully. "Don't get too happy with yourself. It still worries me… and that's why I don't want to change you, but I am changing something. You aren't to run away to be a hero alone. I'm going with you every step of the way now, and you aren't allowed to tell me no."
To her surprise, Subaru didn't try to. "Deal."
Emilia gave him a surprised look. "I didn't expect you to say yes so quickly…"
"And give up the opportunity to constantly show off for the cutest girl in the world?" He teased with a cheeky grin.
"Subaruuuuu!" She groaned, then blushed, then tried desperately to hide her cheeks and smile from his compliment. Eventually, she gave up entirely and they just laughed together.
The night had been rough, both of them at one point feeling so low they thought despair would fully take them. But through each other, they would be stronger. Despite the horrible death they'd seen the boy endure, they both now managed to find that glimmer of happiness to help them keep going.
They saw it and grasped at it, refusing to let it go. Their hands intertwined around that speck of hope and joy, at the possibility of a future where they could both smile and laugh even more than they were now. They held onto it together, knowing that it would fade without the other. That their chance of a blessed future without pain lay in each other's support.
And potentially, in each other's love for the other.
The two sat on the edge of Emilia's bed, both with a small smile. They say close, their thighs touching, neither wanting to be alone right now. Subaru hated to interrupt this moment, but he knew he had to.
With a sigh, he spoke, "We need a plan."
Emilia nodded in agreement. "Well, what do we know?"
The knight closed his eyes to think about the previous loop, for any information they had. "We left early in the morning, right after breakfast, which is in about five hours. So I'd say we have about six hours until the attack."
The half-elf nodded. "And it happened on the main road to Mosous, only around an hour away from the manor. So…"
"They were probably waiting for us," Subaru finished her thought and frowned. Why did so many people have it out for their camp?
"We could take a different path to Mosous?"
"Maybe… but all the other routes get us there pretty late in the day, which isn't good. Their potential mabeast problem happens at night so if we arrive late we won't have much time to scout the area. And whoever attacked us could be following us and we'd lead them right to civilians."
Emilia said in agreement. They couldn't risk the villagers, and she knew the resources in Mosous were dwindling from the attacks. Their livestock numbers couldn't afford another hit, so they needed to get there before dusk.
"Whoever or whatever attacked us… they're a great shot with a bow. Hitting me from inside the carriage right in the head…" The boy shivered at the thought. "And they're strong enough to have beaten Garfiel."
"Not necessarily… they probably snuck up on him. We can't rule out that possibility," She contested.
Subaru nodded. It was a fair point and something in their favor. Garfiel could potentially beat whoever had attacked them in a fair fight… but how would they get a fair fight?
Then, he smiled. A small, mischievous smile, like the one he had gotten when he had his insanely risky plan to bring down the White Whale. The kind of smile only one who's stared death in the face could have when they had a risky idea.
"Emilia… I have an idea. But it will definitely require you. Do you trust me?"
The half-elf smiled at him without hesitation. "With my life, Subaru."
He chuckled. She truly was the most amazing person he had ever met. Now, he just hoped his plan didn't end up with them both killed…
Chapter 3! I honestly didn't know if I'd get this far when sitting down to write chapter one. I had come up with this concept but didn't know if it would be that interesting past the initial shock, but I'm happy it seems that this idea has gotten some people intrigued.
Sorry for the lack of action, but I hope this chapter was enjoyable! It was my favorite to write so far. My favorite thing about Re:Zero is the dynamic between Subaru and Emilia (I am a hopeless shipper of the two until the day I die). So I really wanted to do this justice, as I think it would take a lot of talking and encouragement from each other to get past something this bad. I hope the conversation between the two felt accurate to the characters!
Please leave a comment with any of your thoughts, positive or negative! I read them all and it means a lot to me to see them, and know I have people interested in this story and wanting to give me advice or kind words!
Please look forward to the next chapter, where Subaru and Emilia begin the process of trying to work through this loop...