Chapter 1: Nothing ever changes
Zane Bennet felt like he had spent the entirety of his adult life dealing with change, until only five years ago, when things finally seemed to settle into a semblance of normality. Of course, for him, that meant a lot of abnormality mixed in with the mundane things in day-to-day life. He couldn't go by his real name, so these days he was Anthony Fraser to everyone but the people closest to him. He regularly went out to do what his wife fondly referred to as his 'superhero work'. And of course, he was a merman. Part-time, these days, and he was grateful for that, in particular, especially on days like today.
At that precise moment, Zane was sitting in his best friends' garden, enjoying a birthday party for a very sugared-up four year old girl. Sitting next to him was the only partner he had ever wanted, and, on his other side, a friend he hadn't seen in years but with whom he had once been extremely close. He watched her profile and told himself it didn't hurt to know how she felt about him. Her stiff body language, the way she would occasionally glance at him sidelong… it all reminded him that normal was not really normal for him, and never could be.
Still, it helped that at that moment when he was starting to feel a little down, his niece came careening towards him, demanding to be raised into the air and spun around like a ballerina.
'Stella!' Cleo admonished her, 'Let Uncle Anthony enjoy a moment's peace!'
Although he was still Zane to Cleo and Lewis, it was difficult to explain to a small child that she had to use one name in public and another in private, so around Stella he would be "Uncle Anthony".
Zane felt, rather than saw, Emma flinch when she heard the new name. Of course, it was all unusual for her. She understood, rationally, that he couldn't keep his old name, but it must have still been jarring to be confronted with it. She hadn't actually seen him since they were teenagers, though she knew the whole story by now. But, Zane decided, he wasn't going to try to persuade Emma to accept him as he was now. He'd let her come around. Everyone else had, after all.
As he seized Stella up into the air and began to spin, avoiding the furniture and the other party guests, his blurred sight took in all of them - Cleo, Lewis, Rikki, Emma, even Bella, who had moved back to the area a year before. It had taken her some time, too, he reminded himself, although with Bella it was different. They had never been close, had only really known each other less than a year, before…
He set a still-giggling and very dizzy Stella down on the ground and watched her bounce away towards her father with a grin.
'Sorry,' Cleo came up to him, handing him a glass of something pink and fizzing. 'She just adores you, but it's hard to explain boundaries to a niblet.'
'I don't mind,' Zane said, smiling. 'You know I don't.'
'I know,' Cleo said, biting her lip. 'But still. And I wish you'd stop that!'
Zane couldn't help but roll his eyes. He knew exactly what Cleo was referring to.
'You know I can't.'
'I know you can,' she retorted. 'You just choose not to. It's not helping make Emma more comfortable, you know.'
Zane glanced over at Emma, who was openly staring at him now, and had the brief satisfaction of seeing her look away suddenly when she saw him look at her. Cleo was right, of course. He could control the way he could feel people, could tamp it down, at least. He had explained, years ago, that it wasn't so much mind-reading as a kind of charged-up empathy - he could feel what others were feeling. But because so many of people's thoughts came from their emotions, it ultimately did seem like he was cracking open the brains of those around him. Naturally, it wasn't comfortable for people to think that he was 'reading their thoughts'. So he had learned to control it, to a degree. He truly couldn't 'turn it off', but he could pull down the dimmer switch, so to speak, to its lowest setting. But not when he was feeling the way he was feeling today.
Yes, he was human currently, or at least, he had legs. But the reality was that over the last few months, he was starting to feel, more and more, that he was gradually drifting away from the people around him, and from his own humanity. Every time he felt that pull inside of himself to go, to help, to be somewhere else, he felt a little part of himself disappear. He wondered how many more times it would take to wear him away completely. His 'superhero work' was slowly destroying him, he was starting to understand.
Zane had said nothing to Rikki about the intensity of the feeling that drew him away. Most days, he explained it as a kind of 'call', summoning him to someone who needed help. He failed to tell her, of course, that more and more of those outings were complete blanks for him. He didn't know where he was going, except that it was out into the deep, and he didn't know what he did when he went. It had started a year before - the occasional blackout instead of a clear memory of helping save someone. Lately, though, every outing was turning into a black hole in his memory and it truly frightened him. He had determined that today, he would not go, no matter what this was. Today, he was adamant. He was going to Stella's birthday, he was going to see Emma for the first time in fifteen years, and he was going to eat cake, damn it. Whoever and whatever it was that needed him, they could wait. Hadn't he earned it?
Still, it came at a price. Usually, he could refrain from leaving for a short while, a few hours, but never as long as he had resisted today. There had never been a problem before, really. He would tell Rikki he had to go and he'd be back soon and it had always worked out. But today, it had been half a day so far, and he still hadn't gone… He could feel his attention and focus drift occasionally. He worried that he might lose control in front of the people he loved most and then what would happen? He didn't even know what it was that happened to him when that control disappeared. He shuddered to think. And he knew he couldn't burden any of them with the truth, not even Rikki.
'Zane?'
Emma's voice interrupted his drifting thoughts and he snapped back, smiling at her with warmth and gratitude.
'What is it, Em?' he asked her kindly, hoping the old nickname might melt some of the ice between them.
'I never got the chance to tell you that–'
Zane's face fell. He hated this so much. It was always the guilt and the pity that came first. A hurdle that had to be overcome. As he had explained to Rikki, and Cleo, and Lewis, and even Emma - there didn't need to be guilt or pity. He blamed none of them for what had happened, and he certainly didn't blame them for not looking for him. As he had also explained, he had stayed Denman's prisoner after he was already capable of breaking free precisely because he was afraid that she would pursue them. He had made a choice to protect them.
Not that it mattered. It always came down to the guilt.
'Em, please, don't,' he said quietly, looking her directly in the eyes. 'I know how you feel.'
He mentally kicked himself there, as he saw her flinch again. Cleo was right, it wasn't making her any more comfortable knowing that he could feel what she was feeling.
'What I mean is,' he continued, not breaking eye contact, 'I understand that being here, with me, must bring up some negative emotions for you. But I promise, I'm ok.'
Emma looked at Zane, returning his direct stare with one just as direct, and then abruptly, she looked away.
'I don't think you are,' she said quietly.
'What do you mean?' His question was breezy, casual, but even as he spoke, he could feel that sense of losing focus, that sensation of the need to go. No, no, no. He was staying. It was Stella's birthday. His fears were just fears - there was nothing behind them. He always came home to Rikki, and nothing was going to change that.
Emma was speaking and Zane realised he hadn't heard half the words she had said. He tried to tune in, to focus on what she was saying again.
'She's worried. Really worried about you,' Emma finished. 'She won't say anything to you because she doesn't want you to be worried about her, but honestly, I think you're both being a bit stupid!'
Zane blinked at her a few times. Rikki was worried? Why? Hadn't he hidden it well? Or perhaps not as well as he thought.
'Em, there's nothing for her to worry about. Rikki's always been supportive of what I… do.'
'Well, that's not exactly true. She is just terrible at communicating her feelings,' Emma replied drily.
Zane gave a short bark of a laugh.
'You're not great at it either,' she added, and Zane saw with fleeting satisfaction that she seemed to be relaxing a bit.
'I've been practicing,' he said with a shrug and what he hoped was a carefree grin.
'You could be the best public speaker in the world and you'd still be incapable of normal communication in a relationship. Both of you,' Emma told him, her matter-of-fact tone so definitive that he didn't say anything for a few seconds, simply stared at her. She had changed so much in some respects - a respected clinical psychiatrist, world-renowned. In others, she was the same know-it-all he had played with in childhood and tormented as a teen.
'It's been five years,' he said, finally deciding he'd say something. 'The truth is, it's not a very long time in the bigger picture. I spent three years not speaking to a single person.'
Emma looked abashed. He hadn't meant to speak about that time, but then again, if anyone could have a conversation about this with him, Emma might just be that person.
'I'm sorry,' she began and he was about to interrupt her and tell her that it was fine, they could talk about this, when he heard the squeal of 'Uncle Ant!' He turned his head to see Stella running towards him again, arms out and ready to jump, and just as suddenly, he felt a sudden surge, stronger than any before. It was painful and he gasped involuntarily, and then, suddenly, his vision seemed to narrow until Stella was a mere pinpoint of light in front of him and he was wondering, vaguely, who was 'Stella'.
The last thing he heard was a woman's voice calling out 'Zane!' Everything went dark.