Chapter 13
10 days had passed since Hannah had received the news, she had found it extremely hard and still hadn't come to terms with it at all. The rest of them were all trying to stay as strong as possible for Hannah's sake, but Rachel was finding it all quite hard. The funeral yesterday had been especially difficult for everyone, Rachel thought that maybe afterwards everything would settle down and start to seem more normal again, but this didn't seem to be the case.
Hannah had felt completely unsettled at Rachel's house, even though she'd spent loads of time here before, it felt different now that she was going to be staying here forever, it almost felt like the four of them were a proper family already and she didn't want to ruin things.
It was a Sunday evening and they were all sat round eating tea.
Hannah had been in an awful mood all day, she'd been really snappy with everyone. This was so unlike Hannah, she was very young for her age and was normally so sweet natured but over the last week this had all changed.
"Hannah, after tea will you go and get your uniform ready for tomorrow love?" Rachel asked
"no, I'm not going to school and you can't make me"
Rachel sighed heavily, she'd let Hannah have the week off school, but they'd made an agreement that she'd go back this Monday, as Rachel didn't see how it was doing Hannah any good being in the house, and Rachel needed to get back to work herself, she didn't want to ask her Mum and Dad to look after Hannah as she thought this would be too much for them with everything they were going through.
"Hannah, we've spoken about this, it's not up for any more discussion" she said firmly
"Well I'm not going"
"You are going"
"You can't make me, you're not my Mum"
Rachel took a deep breathe "No I'm not, but I'm the one looking after you and I'll get into trouble if I don't send you to school"
"Well I wish you didn't look after me"
"I'm afraid there's not a lot we can do about that" Rachel said trying to stay calm "Eat your dinner please"
Over the past week Hannah had barely touched her food, Rachel hadn't said anything at first but now she was becoming stricter on it
"No"
"Eat it up Hannah" Rachel repeated
"I said no" Hannah shouted
"You're not going until it's all gone"
"I hate you, you're a bitch" Hannah shouted, she didn't really know what she was saying, it was just something she'd heard on TV once
Amy and Gaby gasped when she said it, neither of them had ever dared speak like that to Rachel before even when they'd had a really big argument with her, they waited to see her reaction. Ivy didn't know what it meant, but could tell it wasn't something very nice
"Hannah, leave the table and go and wait in your room please, I'll come and find you after dinner" Rachel said very calmly, knowing that she needed to cool down the situation before things got really out of hand. She didn't properly look at Hannah, she was staring down at the table.
Hannah got up and went upstairs. She collapsed onto her bed and almost immediately started crying, she didn't really hate Rachel, but she felt like she was betraying her Mum by being nice to her. She hated feeling like this, it was so unlike her usual self, she just didn't see how she'd ever feel normal again.
"Mum if I'd have spoken to you like that I think you'd have chucked me out the house" Gaby said
"She didn't know what she was saying" Rachel said simply
"I can't believe how differently she's acting, she's normally the sweetest little kid going" Amy said
"She's just lost her Mum Amy" Rachel said "Of course she's going to be feeling angry, we have to make allowances"
Rachel had let Hannah get away with anything at first, but now she was starting to clamp down on it a bit, because this behaviour couldn't carry on, irrespective of how Hannah was feeling she still needed to show some respect around the house.
After the girls had finished tea, Rachel cleared up.
She decided to wait a few more minutes before going up to Hannah's room.
Rachel knocked on Hannah's bedroom door, she still realised how important it was to try and respect her privacy
"Hannah I'm going to come in okay?" Rachel said
When she didn't get an answer, she opened the door.
She found Hannah sat on her bed, she'd clearly been crying.
"Right young lady, you and I need to have a little chat I think, don't we?"
"I don't want to talk to you, go away" Hannah mumbled
"Well tough because I want to talk to you" she said
Rachel grabbed the seat that was by Hannah's dressing table and put it next to her bed, before sitting down
"Okay, I'm going to make this quite clear, the way you just spoke to me was unacceptable and I'm not having it, not in my house" Rachel said "I do understand you're having a tough time at the moment but that doesn't entitle you to behave the way you have been, do you understand?" She was raising her voice a bit now
Hannah just nodded her head
"I do understand how you're feeling" Rachel said "But I can't allow this sort of behaviour, it's unfair on the others"
Hannah could feel her eyes welling up again, she bit her lip, she didn't want to cry in front of Rachel.
"Sorry" Hannah whispered
Rachel sighed "Hannah, you can talk to me you know, you don't have to keep it all bottled up"
"I don't want to talk"
"Okay" Rachel said, knowing full well she couldn't force her to talk if she didn't want to "But the bad behaviour stops now okay?"
Hannah nodded
"I'm going to put Ivy to bed now, do you want to come down and watch some TV before bed with us"
Hannah shook her head, she knew she'd just feel out of place sat with Amy and Gaby, the two of them were really close and she couldn't help but think they didn't like her being here.
"Okay, well do you want to come and finish your tea off?"
"I'm okay"
Rachel could clearly tell she wanted to be left alone
"Right well, light out an hour then, I'll come and check on you later" she said "And remember what I said, the behaviour needs to stop"
As soon as Rachel left Hannah started crying again, she ended up crying herself to sleep just as she had done most nights.
Rachel and the two older girls were sat downstairs watching love island.
"This show is awful, honestly it's the most stupid thing I've ever seen" Rachel said
The three of them would have the same discussion every night
"Rach it's so annoying when we're all trying to watch and all you do is moan about how awful it is" Amy said "You can't hate it that much, you ask us to pause it and wait for you every single night, and you were watching it by yourself when me and Gaby were out on Saturday, I came in and found you remember"
"No, I was not"
Although Rachel would never admit it, she secretly did love watching it and had ended up getting really addicted to it.
A few minutes later said "The language is absolutely appalling, Gaby I'm not sure you should be watching this"
"Mum you literally say this every night and always end up just letting me watch, just shut up they're about to do the recoupling"
"Oi don't tell me to shut up" Rachel said smacking her playfully
"You're doing my head in, just watch the show"
Hannah had woken up again at about 10, she'd had a nightmare and had woken up feeling all confused and scared. She felt really upset and couldn't calm herself down, she wanted her auntie, she couldn't stand being up here on her own
Hannah heard the Tv so made her way downstairs.
She opened the door and got a shock when she saw it wasn't just her auntie in there she thought the other two would have gone to bed.
When Hannah came in with her tears rolling down her cheek, Amy quickly muted the TV
"Hannah" Rachel said, shocked when she saw her
"Rachel, please can I talk to you" Hannah stammered, sounding really uncomfortable
"Yes of course you can" Rachel said, she now felt awful for not checking on Hannah earlier, it had just totally slipped her mind
Rachel quickly got up, sensing Hannah felt uncomfortable in front of the other two girls and followed her out, closing the door behind her
"Rachel, I'm sorry about before" Hannah cried
Rachel felt really sorry for her, she looked so young standing next to her.
"Alright darling, let's go through to the back room" Rachel said
Rachel took Hannah's small hand and led her through to the back room.
Hannah was sobbing quite a lot by now, Rachel put her on her knee as if she was Ivy's age again and tried to soothe her.
"Shh it's okay"
Hannah cried into Rachel for a couple of minutes and then sat up
"I had a bad dream about Mum and I woke up and I was really scared"
"That can't have been very nice for you"
"I miss her"
"Oh sweetie, I know you do, I miss her too" Rachel said
"I'm sorry for being nasty earlier" Hannah said
"Hey it's all forgotten"
Rachel stayed with Hannah for a few more minutes before taking her back up to bed
"Do you need to go to the loo before bed?" Rachel asked, since Mel's death they were having quite a bit of trouble with bed-wetting, so Rachel knew she needed to remind her to go.
Hannah nodded, so Rachel waited in her bedroom for her
Once she'd been to the toilet, Rachel tucked her back in properly.
"Night, my love, shout if you need anything, you know you can come into my room any time during the night if you need to"
A little while later Hannah managed to drop off to sleep.
The morning came around quite quickly
After their conversation last night, Rachel was expecting Hannah to be in a much better mood, however when she went into her room, it was obvious that this was not the case.
Hannah was adamant that she wasn't going to school today, so they ended up having an argument
"We talked about this last night, you're going to school and that's final"
"I'm not going"
"Get your uniform on" Rachel said
After a lot more arguing, Hannah eventually did put her uniform on although she certainly wasn't very happy about it.
Hannah refused to get in the car after breakfast and Rachel had to practically drag her in.
She was relieved when she'd finally managed to get her to school, but wasn't sure how well she'd cope today.
Sure enough, at about lunch time Rachel got a call from Hannah's school asking her to come and pick her up because there's been an incident.
Rachel sighed heavily, she didn't really want to have another afternoon off school as she'd only just got back, she decided to bring Hannah into school with her, thinking maybe it would teach her a lesson.
She grabbed her car keys and bag before heading off out.
When she arrived at school she found Hannah in reception.
Hannah saw her aunties face and realised she wasn't the least bit happy
"Rachel can we have a few words" Mrs Hughes asked
"Of course." Rachel said following her through to her office
"Well we've had quite a bit of trouble today, she kept running out of her lesson, was very rude to Mrs Robinson and at break time got into a fight with one of the girls in her class. Now obviously this is all very unlike Hannah, and we all do understand what a hard time she's been having, but I just can't have her in my school this afternoon, it's unfair on the other kids"
"Yes of course it is" Rachel said "No matter what's going on, it doesn't excuse this"
Rachel was looking icily at Hannah, she felt so annoyed with her
"Right, she's going to come to work with me, don't worry I'll make sure it's not a nice afternoon for her" Rachel said
"Actually before you go can I have a couple of words with you in private, Hannah go and wait outside"
Hannah went to go off, but Rachel stopped her
"Haven't you got something to say?"
Hannah didn't dare argue when her auntie sounded so annoyed
"Sorry"
"Outside now" Rachel said
Hannah walked out, closing the door behind her
"Rachel I'm sorry, I know it's a pain having to get her I just didn't feel comfortable keeping her here"
"No don't worry" Rachel sighed, she found tears prickling her eyes which she quickly tried to brush away, feeling really embarrassed, she hated crying in front of people
"Sorry, it's just that I really don't know what to do with her at the moment, she's awful at home. I tried to ignore it for the first week but now I can't just keep letting her get away with it"
"It all sounds like her way of coping, she's probably feeling totally unsettled, maybe acting up is just her trying to stay loyal to her Mum"
"How do you mean?"
"Well she might feel guilty about settling in at your house, she might feel like she's going against her Mum" she said "Sorry, I hope I don't sound like some sort of child psychologist"
"No not at all, it makes sense actually. I just hope she settles down. One minute she's acting like this then the next she'll be in floods of tears"
"I'm sure she'll settle over the next few weeks, she's just trying to cope with the shock"
"Well I'm still not letting her get away with today" she said, "What do you think about school tomorrow, good idea or not?"
"See how she is, maybe you could give her some work to do at your school, I think maybe she isn't quite ready for school yet, I've got some work for her to do" she said before handing Rachel some worksheets.
"Okay, well I'll make sure she realises she can't keep behaving like she did today"
Rachel then grabbed her stuff and walked out
"Right, come with me now" she said
Hannah could tell how angry she was by the tone of her voice
She didn't speak to her as she got in the car
"Put your seat belt on"
As they were driving back, Hannah realised they weren't going back home
"Where are we going, this isn't the way home"
"What? You thought you were going to act up at school and have a nice cosy afternoon at home, I don't think so, you're coming to my school"
Hannah didn't say anything, she could tell how angry Rachel was
When they got to school Rachel took Hannah up to her office.
"Do you have any idea how disappointed I am in you? I understand things are hard at the moment, but don't think for one second that gives you an excuse to hit another girl. It's completely unacceptable is that clear"
Hannah nodded
"Right, Mrs Hughes has given me lots of work for you" Rachel said reaching in her bag and grabbing some one of the sheets "Make a start on that please"
Hannah had a look at the sheet and started working out the answers.
As she was sat there, tears started to fall from her eyes, smudging the page.
They'd been in there for about half an hour when Rachel realised she had to go to the loo
"I'm going to the toilet, I'll be 2 minutes" she said to Hannah "Stay at that desk okay?"
Hannah just nodded.
As soon as Rachel left, Hannah got up. She ran out the office and out of the school door.
She didn't know where she was going, she just wanted to get away from everything. Her auntie didn't like her anymore, her Mum had died, she didn't feel as though she belonged anywhere anymore.
She went and hid behind some of the bike sheds and began to cry properly.
When Rachel got back to her office a couple of minutes later she was shocked when she saw Hannah wasn't there.
"Bridget where did my niece go?"
"She ran out just after you left, I shouted after her, but she didn't answer so I thought she'd gone to find you"
"You didn't see where she went?"
"No sorry"
"Right well she can't have got far, I'll have a look for her"
Rachel quickly went downstairs, it was only then that she stared to panic. She didn't have a clue where she could have gone. The school was pretty big after all.
She began to get more and more worried, she'd searched in all the likely places for her.
After about 15 minutes she still hadn't found her, she was nearly in tears now, she felt awful for being so hard on her earlier.
She decided to go back up to her office, grab her car keys and have a little drive to see if she could spot her.
Rachel had just got to her office when there was a knock at the door
"Yes" she said, hoping it was nothing important
She sighed when she saw Steph
"Steph not now I'm right in the middle of …" Rachel began but she soon stopped
It was only then that Rachel noticed Hannah stood behind her looking all frightened
"Someone to see you, I found her crying behind the bike sheds"
Rachel breathed a sigh of relief
"Thankyou" she said to Steph
Steph then decided to leave the two of them to it
"You had me worried" Rachel said to Hannah
"sorry" Hannah said
"come here" Rachel sighed
Hannah walked towards her and Rachel wrapped her arms around her
"What were you thinking running away like that? I was really scared" she said, however she didn't sound angry
"I didn't think you wanted me anymore"
"What? Oh love, come and sit down" Rachel said
Hannah went and sat on the sofa and Rachel sat next to her
"Now why on earth would you think that?"
"I don't know. I just think you were all happier without me and I've ruined things, and I feel really bad because Mum will feel angry if she sees I'm okay here and not with her, that's why I've been so bad" Hannah explained
Rachel felt a lump form in her throat hearing Hannah say all of this. "Why didn't you talk to me about any of this Hannah?" she asked gently
"I don't know"
"Well first things first, we love having you, you're every bit a part of the family. But I'm sorry if you've been feeling anything else."
"I just don't want to spoil anything"
"You're not spoiling anything love. I promise you that" Rachel said
"But I've been so bad" Hannah mumbled
"Sweetheart you've just lost your Mum, it's the worst thing you can go through as a child, it's no wonder you've been acting up. But what you've got to remember is that your mum would have wanted you to be happy, she doesn't want to see you like this" Rachel said
"So I'm allowed to stay"
"Of course, you are, you're not going anywhere no matter how naughty you are, you don't have to leave ever" Rachel said
Suddenly Hannah wrapped her arms around Rachel
"I love you" she said quietly
"I love you too darling"
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