Chapter 23
Set 3 days later
It was the Sunday afternoon and Rachel was at an important conference in Manchester for the day, so she had left Amy in charge. She'd felt a bit nervous leaving her alone with everyone, but there was no one else available to look after them and Amy was pretty responsible.
Amy was quite enjoying having the run of the house, she'd been a bit down over the last few days, so it was doing her good to have something to distract her. Amy had been seeing a boy called Jamie for quite a while now, she really liked him, and he liked her too, last week they'd decided to sleep with each other for the first time. Amy had felt so sure it was the right thing to do, however, since then he'd been really distant with her and Amy just didn't understand what was going on, it was really starting to upset her though, she thought he loved her but since he hadn't been back in touch, she couldn't help but think maybe he was just using her to sleep with.
Amy was so engrossed in her own thoughts she didn't even notice Hannah coming into the kitchen.
"Amy I don't feel that well" Hannah said
Amy jumped when she heard Hannah as she didn't realise anyone was there
"Oh how come?"
"My stomach hurts" Hannah said, she'd been feeling rubbish ever since Thursday
"Is it your period?" Amy asked gently
Hannah went red and nodded her head
"You don't have to be embarrassed, I know what a pain they can be, I'll get you some paracetamol"
"It's horrible I hate it" Hannah said sounding really upset
"I know, they do get easier though, you get used to it after a while" Amy said "I always find putting a hot water bottle on my stomach helps, maybe you could try that"
"Yeah I'll give it a go" Hannah said
"It's worth a try" Amy said "I'm just about to do some lunch for everyone, what do you fancy"
"Maybe pizza"
"Well that's easy enough, I better do some salad with it too or Rachel will be after me"
"I can help if you want" Hannah offered
"Oh that'd be fab if you don't mind" Amy said "You could chop some spring onions up for me"
The two of them got some stuff out and got started
"Amy can I ask you something"
"Sure"
"Have you kissed a boy before, like properly"
Amy laughed, she wondered why Hannah was asking "Yeah I guess I have"
"What's it like?"
"Erm it's alright I guess"
"How old were you when you first kissed someone?"
"About 13 probably" Amy said "Why do you ask? I hope you're not thinking of kissing any boys"
"Well no but … how do you know when a guy likes you?"
"Well I guess he wants to spend lots of time around you, and you just seem to get on"
"is that what it was like for you and Jamie"
"Yeah I suppose" Amy said but she wasn't so sure anymore "What's with all these questions, have you got a mystery boyfriend or something"
"No … well not really, there is this one boy in my year he's called Dan, we got on well and stuff but I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend"
"At the risk of sounding like Rachel, you are a bit too young to be having boyfriends Han, just enjoy being friends for now"
"I suppose you're right"
"Trust me boys are more trouble than they're worth" Amy said sighing
They chatted for a bit longer and before long lunch was ready, so Amy shouted them all down
Ivy and Gaby soon came down and sat at the table
They all started eating, except Gaby who was just playing with her food. She was trying to be as subtle as possible about her eating as she knew Rachel would cotton onto it soon if she didn't watch out. She felt just so generally low all the time that she didn't fancy her food much anyways, it felt different to last time, it wasn't about wanting to be skinny, it was just about her desperately wanting to gain control over some area of her life. At the moment she just felt so overwhelmed by everything and didn't know how to cope.
The other girls were all chatting and laughing but Gaby barely said a word, after a while she got up and subtly put her food in the bin before going upstairs and into her room. She was trying to revise for a Maths test she had tomorrow, but nothing seemed to be going in.
The rest of the afternoon went quite quickly, and it didn't seem long before Rachel got back.
Rachel was really impressed when she saw how tidy the house was, she was expecting to have to spend ages cleaning when she got back. She walked into the kitchen and saw Amy
"Hey love, how's everything been? You've kept the house lovely and tidy"
"Yeah it's all been fine, how was the conference"
"Oh it was alright, it just dragged a bit towards the end, so has everyone been okay?"
"Yeah, I took Ivy to the park this morning, Hannah came with us but Gaby stayed and then this afternoon Hannah, Gaby and me have all been doing homework and Ivy's been playing on the wii"
"Wow I might have to leave you in charge more often, sounds like you've done a better job than me at organising everyone" she said smiling slightly
"Hannah wasn't feeling very well earlier, so I gave her some paracetamol" she said "and Gab's been really quiet all day, I feel like I've barely seen her"
"Amy Gaby hasn't said anything to you about anything has she?" Rachel said, as she couldn't help but feel a bit worried about her
"Like what?"
"I don't know she's just seemed really down lately"
"No, I do know what you mean though" Amy said "It's probably just hormones though, I was the same when I was her age"
"hmm maybe" Rachel said but she still felt something didn't feel quite right
"Do you fancy a coffee, I'm just about to make one"
"You know what I'd love one, I'm just going to nip upstairs to get changed, I'm desperate to get out of my work stuff" she said "I'll be down in 2 minutes"
Rachel went upstairs, she said hello to Ivy, before knocking on Gaby's door
She then walked in, she found Gaby at her computer looking at some Maths revision site
"Oh hi Mum" Gaby said, dragging her eyes away from the screen
"Hey, how's your day been"
"Fine, just been doing some work"
"I know Amy said, are you nearly finished"
"No I've still got loads to do"
"blimey Gaby I don't think I've ever known anyone take their year 9 mocks so seriously" Rachel said
"Well in assembly you told us they were really serious and that they'll be using them to decide our GCSE sets"
"Well yeah partly, though strictly between you and me I might have said that to try and scare some of the boys in your year to actually do slightly more than 10 minutes of revision right before the exam"
"Oh right"
"Me and Amy are just going to have a coffee, do you fancy one?"
"No it's alright thanks"
"Okay, try and have a little rest from revision though yeah?"
Gaby nodded so Rachel went out and went into her bedroom to get changed.
It felt nice to get into her comfy clothes, she pulled her hair back and put it in a bobble before going out.
She realised she hadn't checked on Hannah yet so went into her room
"Hey Hannah, you okay?"
"Yeah just finishing off some homework"
"Ah that's good to hear, Amy said your stomach was bothering you earlier, is it better now?"
"A bit"
"Okay well if there's anything you need just give me a shout okay?"
"Yeah okay"
"I'll make a start on tea soon"Rachel then went downstairs and sat down with Amy.
"Are you not seeing Jamie at all this weekend Amy?" Rachel asked
Rachel knew Amy and Jamie were going out, he'd been round to their house quite a bit and Rachel had grown quite fond of him recently.
Amy just shook her head
"Have you two had a row or something?"
"No, well not really" Amy said "It's complicated"
"Oh has something happened then?"
Amy thought for a moment, she hadn't told Rachel that she'd slept with Jamie yet, she wasn't sure how she'd react, but then she began to think maybe she should let her know.
"I guess" Amy said
"What is it?"
"Can I talk to you about sex?" Amy said nervously
Rachel took a sharp breath, she had a pretty good idea where this was leading, she'd kind of guessed this was going to happen soon as they had been going out a while now, she couldn't help but feel emotional though, she knew she had to try and stay as calm as possible, after all she did want Amy to be able to come to her in the future
"yeah" Rachel said "Is there something that you want to tell me?"
Amy nodded
"last week me and Jamie slept together for the first time"
"Okay" Rachel said calmly "and was it something that you wanted to do? He didn't pressurise you into it?"
"No we both thought it felt like the right time" Amy said
"And did you use protection?"
"Yeah, I promise we did"
"Okay" Rachel said
Amy couldn't believe how calm Rachel was being, she thought she might get mad. It made her wish that she'd told her sooner.
"You're not angry?"
"No, you've been going out with him a while and I trust you to make the right decisions. Although I do think we should book you a doctor's appointment, see about going on the pill"
"I don't know if they'll be any need, Jamie has barely spoken to me since it happened" Amy said, suddenly bursting into tears
"Oh love" Rachel said putting an arm around her "have you spoken to him at all about what happened?"
"well sort of but he's just been so distant, what if he was just using me?"
"I'm sure he wasn't Amy, I could tell how much he likes you."
"Then why isn't he talking to me?"
"The thing is, sex when you're in age but especially when you're younger carries with it an awful lot of emotions and sometimes when you're your age it can be difficult to process all of those emotions, maybe he's just finding it all a bit difficult"
"I suppose that makes sense, I just wish he'd call me"
"You call him"
"I'm scared, what if he breaks up with me"
"I'm almost certain he won't, but surely either way, you need to know where you stand"
"I guess you're right, I'll do it now"
"You'll feel better for it"
Amy looked as if she wanted to say something but seemed a bit nervous
"Was there something else?" Rachel asked
"Kind of, I was just wondering … well is it normal for it to really hurt?"
"For the first few times yes, and it can certainly feel a bit uncomfortable, but after a while it shouldn't be painful at all"
"Oh okay, thanks Rach …you know for being so chilled about it"
"That's alright, go and call him"
Amy smiled at her before going off upstairs
Rachel sat for a few minutes sipping her coffee, she really hoped Amy could sort it our with Jamie, especially after what had happened, she didn't want her getting hurt
She was in a world of her own when Hannah came downstairs
Rachel saw her going in the cupboard for a bag of crisps
"Hannah it'll be tea in half an hour" Rachel said "Put them back"
"I'm starving"
"I'm sure you can wait 30 minutes" Rachel sighed "but if you're that hungry have an apple"
Hannah made a face and put the crisps back
"Have you finished your homework yet?"
"Nearly" she said
"Remember you're doing detention tomorrow"
"But I said I'd meet Holly after school"
"Tough I'm afraid, you should have thought about that before"
Hannah rolled her eyes but didn't argue back, instead she went back upstairs.
A few minutes later Amy came back downstairs, Rachel was pleased to see that she was smiling
"How did it go? Did you sort everything out?"
"Yeah, he explained everything to me, it was kind of like you said, he's just been feeling really emotional and everything since it happened and he was worried I didn't want to I think, but we talked everything through"
"Oh good, well I'm glad you're sorted, he's such a nice boy"
"Can I go around to see him after school tomorrow"
"I guess so as long as you finish off your homework"
"I will do"
Gaby was working on her computer, but she could barely concentrate at all, the screen kept going all blurry and she felt really sick and dizzy, she didn't feel right at all. Her heart was racing too.
Rachel called them down to dinner, she got up, but she felt really weird and distant.
All of the girls sat down at the table and started eating.
Gaby felt a bit shaky and sick.
The other girls were all chatting and laughing together but Gaby wasn't saying anything.
"Rachel do we have an assembly tomorrow?" Hannah asked
"It's Monday you always have assembly on a Monday"
"Is it with you?" Hannah asked
"Yes, it is, there's no need to look so thrilled about it" Rachel said sarcastically
"They always go on for ages it's so boring" Hannah said
"Oh well thanks for the vote of confidence"
"There not as bad as some of the others we've had to be fair" Amy chipped in "Remember when those weird religious people came in and gave us all bibles at the end"
"oh yeah" Hannah said laughing "That was so funny"
"Well surely you'd rather be in assembly than a double maths lesson"
"I guess assemblies easier to wag off" Amy said
"You better not!" Rachel said
"I'm joking" Amy said laughing at Rachel's face
"Well it wouldn't be the first time would it?"
"I suppose not" Amy said
They all continued to chat, Gaby just looked at them, she still felt really strange and seeing the way her Mum was chatting and laughing with the others just made her feel all weird, she couldn't help but feel she preferred spending time with them now to her. She just couldn't cope with everything that was happening at the moment, things kept whizzing through her mind, she was thinking about her Maths test tomorrow, and that made her feel sick. Her hands felt all sweaty and her chest felt tight, she didn't know why she felt like this, she knew it wasn't just the Maths test, but she just didn't seem to be able to handle anything.
Her head was pounding, and she felt scared, she looked at the plate of food in front of her, but she could barely see it, it looked all blurry and kept moving round.
Suddenly, Gaby felt tears form in her eyes, her breathing was becoming more rapid
No one noticed the state Gaby was in at first, they were too busy talking and eating, however, Amy looked up and saw Gaby sobbing.
"Gaby" Amy said sounding shocked
When Amy said that, they all looked up at Gaby
Gaby could feel everyone staring at her and it made me feel even worse
Rachel was shocked when she saw her, she hadn't even noticed that she was upset, she could tell Gaby was in a state and she needed to get her out of the kitchen, but she wanted to do it as calmly as possible as she knew, no matter what was wrong, Gaby wouldn't want a big fuss made in front of everyone
Gaby just sat there, she couldn't stop crying and she felt completely helpless
"Gab, let's go outside for a few minutes love" Rachel said calmly "You three stay there and finish your dinner"
Rachel got up and walked over to Gaby and took her hand to help her up
Gaby let her Mum lead her out of the kitchen
"Come on, let's get you out of here, we'll go somewhere quiet" Rachel said putting an arm around her "it's alright Gaby, you're nice and safe"
Rachel didn't have a clue what was going on, but she realised she needed to stay as calm as possible
"Mum I don't know what's wrong" Gaby stammered feeling all confused
"That's okay, let's get you sat down" Rachel said, she took her through to the back room and sat her down on the sofa
She crouched down beside her
"Now you don't have to explain anything to me at all, all I want you to do is take some nice deep breaths okay?"
Gaby did as she was told
"Mum your tea will go cold" Gaby said, she was still feeling all confused
"don't worry about that, I'm not going to go hungry, besides I've done nothing but pig out on cakes and biscuits at that conference all day, so I dare say it won't do me any harm"
Gaby laughed slightly at this, she was starting to feel a little bit better.
Rachel got up and sat down next to her
"I don't understand it I just felt so weird"
"I think you had a bit of a panic attack, it's horrible I know" Rachel said "don't worry though, you're completely safe and we can stay in here for as long as you need to, you don't have to tell me anything at all, not if you don't want to"
"Thankyou" Gaby mumbled "I'm really sorry I made you come away from dinner"
"Hey don't be silly, besides all I was getting was a load of abuse about my assemblies anyway" she said laughing "How are you feeling now?"
"Okay" Gaby said but her voice trembled, and she started to cry again
Rachel put her arms round her and pulled her into her chest.
Gaby started sobbing properly again
"Hey Gab it's alright, shh it's okay" Rachel soothed
A minute or so later Gaby sat up
"I'm sorry …I don't know why I feel ..like this" she said through tears
"Don't be sorry Gaby, you've got nothing to apologise for, but I do want you to know that if you have got something you want to say to me I'm not going to get mad or be shocked, I'm just going to listen"
There was a lot Gaby could tell her Mum, but she didn't feel ready to just yet, not all of it anyway
"I just …want to do well, and I'm just so scared I'm not going to, and if I know you say they're not serious, but I'm so stressed about the mocks and just school, I need to get top marks and everything but what if I don't? I just can't do it all though, and I know I'm not going to do well in the exams and then what if they put me in low sets and I can't do the higher papers, I need to get the best grades in everything or I can't do medicine, I just can't cope anymore and I know I'm going to do terribly tomorrow and I'm going to let everyone down" Gaby said sobbing
It broke Rachel's heart hearing Gaby talk like this, she had no idea of the pressure she'd been putting on herself, she would never want any child to feel like this especially her own daughter
"Oh Gaby" Rachel whispered "You've been working yourself too hard, no one can function when they're under that amount of stress you poor thing, you know, all I ever really want is for you to do your best and be happy, I don't care what grades you get or where you come in school as long as you've tried hard I absolutely promise you that."
"But I'm so scared of doing badly"
"Love you're never going to do badly, trust me school work is never ever worth getting this upset about, and this is coming from a head teacher."
"What if I don't do well tomorrow though" Gaby sobbed
"Sweetheart, it's a mock exam, a silly little test we give out to year 9s to try and get some of the lazy whatsits in your year to actually spend the odd 10 minutes on school work, it is absolutely nothing to get stressed over" Rachel said
"I've just been getting so worried about everything and I didn't know how to cope and I …"
"Go on it's alright" Rachel encouraged
Gaby realised she couldn't keep it a secret much longer, it was all getting too much she needed to let it out
"I've started cutting my wrist sometime and I haven't been eating properly" Gaby admitted though tears, she felt so ashamed saying this, she couldn't even look Rachel in the eye
Rachel was so shocked when she heard this, she couldn't believe she'd missed this, she felt so awful that Gaby had been doing this to herself, but she knew she couldn't let this show, she realised it must be a massive thing for Gaby to tell her
"Okay" she said gently "Do you want to talk to me about that?"
Gaby couldn't believe her Mums reaction "Why aren't you shouting at me?" Gaby asked
"I told you Gaby I'm not going to shout or get mad, I don't think you need that right now do you?" Rachel said "do you think you can tell me why you do it"
"It just helps sometimes, when everything seems out of control and I get stressed, it just kind of helps" Gaby cried
"I understand that" Rachel said "Can I have a look at your wrist, just to check there's no infection there"
Gaby rolled her sleeve up, Rachel nearly started crying when she saw it, some of the cuts looked nasty
"Gab, why didn't you tell me about this sooner huh?"
"I don't know, I just didn't want to let you down"
"Oh love" she sighed "I think everything's just way too much for you at the moment isn't it huh? And I think its making you feel quite unwell"
"Yeah" Gaby cried
"You know what I think?"
"What"
"I think maybe you need a little bit of time off school, so we can get you some proper help and support"
"What about my mocks"
"Don't you worry about anything like that love, we just need to get you sorted out. You've been so brave telling me all that you have tonight and now that you have, it's not just your problem anymore, things are going to start getting better I promise"
Gaby felt really tired now, she couldn't believe she'd told her Mum everything, she hadn't planned to it had all just came out
"I love you" Gaby mumbled
"I love you too, so so much and I just wish you'd felt you could have told me what was going on sooner"
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