There's a scaly little me! … Is there a large, scaly, fire-breathing me as well?
PRUSSIA'S GRAND TOUR OF THE UNIVERSE, DAY 1!
"Hey, so, uh, Germany…" I begin, floating above him in his bed. He looks all Mr. Super Serious, with his readers and his hair still up in its gel, but I know he's just playing online Scrabble with Austria. Oh, looks like he's just racked up the points with "Schwarzbrot!" Super Force Ja!
"What is it? Are we out of toothpaste? I told you to put it on the list."
"No, I already refilled the tube I had."
"I'm not going to ask how you did that."
"You don't have the security clearance to know how I did that. I just need you to know you might not see me for a couple of days. I'm going sightseeing around the universe."
"Mm-hm," Germany says. Then he swivels his laptop around and shows me all the news stories he has in his tabs.
WOBBLE IN VENUS' GRAVITY DISRUPTS NEOs.
NASA SATELLITES PICK UP "RING" AROUND THE MOON.
LUNAR ROYALISTS? LEAKED ESA IMAGE SHOWS "BLACK EAGLE FLAG" NEAR SOUTH POLE
"Most think that last one is a joke, fortunately. They think you and Estonia have been trolling ESA."
"I wouldn't put it past myself," I tell him, patting my chest. "But don't worry, dear brother. I'm not touring the stars and planets. Too dusty to get a good photo for posting. I'm going to explore some parallel worlds."
"Parallel worlds."
"Yeah! Sci-fi calls them parallel universes, but they all exist within our universe. Just separated by membranes of Anticanon! My powers let me slip right through the cosmic wall! Just think! I'm gonna meet some other MEs!"
"And terrify them."
"You forget I can shapeshift or possess somebody if I have to. Ach, I'm so excited! I'll bring you a souvenir, okay?"
"As long as it's not radioactive."
"No, definitely radioactive! 'Cause then you could have powers, too!"
Germany sighs, but I leap off the bed and hoist my backpack onto my shoulders. With a grand salute and an adjustment of my shades, I do a backflip through the air and let the fabric of reality split around my body, consuming me and leaving my brother in an empty room.
Although, seeing me vanish into thin air is probably his worst nightmare… I should've warped out in the hallway…
No matter! I'm now in the Anticanon! The World Between Worlds! Looks like a busy night, wherever I came out. I can see the dream projections of at least a hundred people milling around what looks like an airport, stumbling into walls, flapping their arms to fly, and running away from chainsaw dudes and walking trees.
"So, if I came out here," I murmur, pointing to the space behind me, "all I should have to do is rip another hole somewhere else, and I'll be in a parallel world. I just have to remember this spot."
I take it in. It's the door to a men's room, and it reeks with the earth power still loosely tethering me to my home. My awareness expands, and I see my relative position in the vast schemata of the universe. PING! PING! PING! You are here! says my cosmic intuition.
"Right. Looks like there's a parallel world hiding just about everywhere I look! Where do I even start? Hm? Woah, what's that!?"
A large, shadowy, snaky creature scuttles out from behind a trash can. I rush over, trying to identify it, but it's too fast and quickly vanishes into the crowd.
"That was a dream projection! A creature smart enough to dream? But it looked too long to be a dog!"
I hunch down on hands and knees and crawl over to the trash can. There's nothing behind it except the slimy wall of the airport. My hand reaches out to trace along the smooth surface.
"Come on, you're not a solid wall, are you. By the Power of Prussia, I can press right past your defenses. This is a world of dreams. The Man Who Never Died has ultimate reign."
The wall starts to squish like it's made of pudding. I reach both hands in and pull the portal open wide like I'm yanking at a curtain. A strange, hazy glow blinds me — familiar yet completely foreign. It's like I'm standing on a platform looking down at a whole different zoo exhibit than the one containing my brother and friends. Slowly, the mist solidifies, focuses, and shifts to form objects and furniture… wait… am I looking at… Germany's room?
Ah! Wow, this is weird. Better check it out!
I lean back on my haunches and launch myself into the parallel world, rolling on the rug and bonking my head against a dresser. My fingers dig into cold, polished hardwood, and my eyes pop open wide. This is Germany's room! It's exactly the same! Above me is the bed, the dresser, the side-table, the mirror on the back of the door! I see the dog beds under the big bed, and the big bed has the same comforter and shams Germany loves to wash dog smell out of! (He always says "No doggies on the bed," but what he means is, "Cuddles are always offered.")
I press myself up on hands and knees, then rise to my feet. My heart is racing! This is Germany's room! Am I going to meet a parallel Germany? Will he look the same? Talk the same? Dress the same?
Oh… he definitely doesn't dress the same," I mutter, peering down at the tiny dresser, which is full of tiny boxers. The bed, too, is four times smaller than the one at home, and the side-table looks like it was made for dolls! I stand fully upright and bonk my head into the ceiling. My forehead scrapes on the overhead light.
"Is there some magic potion I'm supposed to drink to grow smaller?"
No one answers, so I reach down to the eensy-weensy door handle and spend the next ten minutes trying to wriggle out the doll-sized door. My backpack won't fit, so I take out the first disposable camera and slither on elbows and knees down a miniature set of stairs, which I'm sure are only creaking from my weight.
This can't be deliberate. A world where everything is the same except for a size-rendering goof? Totally not awesome for a first stop on my cosmic journey. I'm expecting to see a world where people have six arms, or a world where element bending exists, or a world where Germany and America swapped bodies when they were kids, or… and this is a bit of a stretch… a world where I'm still a full country?
I finally reach the bottom of the stairs, and here at least there are a few extra feet above my head. Something is squeaking at me from far below. I kneel down and glance at the dog bed — Blackie's bed! Blackie exists in this world! Except…
Blackie is a guinea pig.
He squeals and squeaks at me, digging his pink claws into the hardwood and scurrying around my ankles. Gott, to someone who fits normally in this house, this guinea pig is the size of a German Shepherd! At his incessant yapping, two more guinea pigs scuttle up from the basement — one blonde and the other a sleek black. Aster? Berlitz? Why do your eyes look so beady and dead!?
I hear more squealing outside. Glancing out the window, I see the neighborhood of my home. Guinea pigs are scampering around through sprinklers and sniffing at each other's butts and lifting legs on fire hydrants. There's one on a leash being walked, and the creature walking it is… surprisingly not human.
Walking the guinea pig is a long, wiggly creature walking on its hind legs. It looks like some kind of prehistoric armadillo, or maybe an anteater? Its ears are little flaps on the sides of its head. It's wearing clothes, but tough scales layer from its hairline down its back to its swishing tail. A lengthy snout protrudes from its face, and a sticky tongue protrudes from its snout, pecking at the air like it's smelling for those tasty ants. Clawed feet tromp upon the sidewalk, and clawed hands are manicured and graced by pearl bracelets.
"Okay… so this is a weird parallel world. Those things are its humans!"
I'm so startled by this fact that I don't feel the little door below me opening. It slams into the front of my shin so forcefully, I slip and fail to catch myself on the twig of a banister. My legs fly up, punching through the front windows, and my head crashes into the kitchen table. I flail my elbows, catching my left wrist on the tiny TV and my right on the soon-upset house plant. The guinea pigs squeal in my ears. I let out an awful groan. So much for being discreet.
"My God! What is that thing!?"
"Oh, look! It's got a poof of white fur on its head!"
"Ha! Only at my place can you see antics like this!"
"This was one of your antics?"
"Of course not! Why would I commit antics on myself? This is just what I get for embodying chaos!"
"Do you have any idea what it is, then, and why it's in your house?"
"No idea. In fact, it's freaking me out big time. I was supposed to water that plant yesterday, and now it's all over the floor. GILBEE! CLEAN THAT UP!"
My eyes crack open, then widen. I feel two sets of claws gripping each side of my face. My vision struggles to focus, but I soon take in the sight of one of those scaly creatures cradling my cheeks between her… is it a her? Her claws. Lengthwise, she'd only come up to my knee. Her brown scales are all polished and shiny, and the ones on her head grow long and curled like hair. Her snout is a cute little thing, and besides the sundress hanging loose over her scales, she has a pink peony fastened onto her right ear with a bit of string.
But her claws dig deep into my cheeks, and I'm whimpering under her grip.
"Don't hurt me, anteater thing! I'm just a lowly universe-trotter! I can prove it! I've got my towel in my backpack upstairs!"
"Then why are you in Prussialin's house!?"
"Technically my brother's house, but I like it when you call it mine."
My head snaps up, and my body rolls over, earning a disgruntled whine from the female creature, who I've decided looks like Hungary. "My brother's house?" "Prussialin?" It was squeaky and raspy, but that was definitely my voice!
Then I see him. Standing on my chest. Cackling. A honeybee buzzing around his head like a canary would mine. His sharp, jagged scales are milky pale, and his eyes are a devious pink. Chunks are taken out of his ears. His snout is pointy enough to match my beakish nose.
"Wow! You speak German!" He laughs. "I knew it! I told Germalin aliens speak German! And they're albino, too!"
"What does that prove? You're an alien, Prussialin?"
This is the third creature speaking — the pudgy one with the extra-long snout. His scales are a dark brunet, if I could even call it that. He wears a tiny pair of spectacles, and a discolored patch of rough skin on his chin looks almost like a mole!
"Austria!" I squeal. Heck, that's definitely Austria! I'd recognize him in any parallel world!
"Austrialin," he corrects me.
"Yeah! He's Austrialin, that's Hungalin, and I'm Prussialin! What's your name!?"
"Don't tell him we're countries!" Hungalin snaps, brandishing her claws.
"Oh, don't get your tail in a twist, Hungalin. I doubt he even knows what countries our planet has. You know how sci-fi works. They only go by planets, not countries. Oh, this is exciting! I found a real alien! I found a real alien! Better text Amerilin about this right away!"
He pulls a tiny phone out of the butt pockets of his creature jeans and snaps a pic of my astonished face.
"I know what countries are," I tell him. "I'm not from another planet. I'm from a parallel world. I'm that world's Prussia. Are you this world's Prussia?"
Prussialin stops his rampant typing and sticks his snout right between my eyes. His beady little ones sparkle and narrow just like mine would. Then he reaches out to grab my nose with all five claws and lets out a whoop of laughter.
"Told you guys! They model other planets after ours! This guy's so big! I bet they worship him where he's from!"
"No, you're not getting it. I'm from a different dimension. Same planet, different reality."
"Does everybody look like you? Obviously if you're Prussia on your planet, the standard of beauty will taper down from this handsome jaw of yours. Why do you have so much extra ear-flab!? They're like pancakes! HeLLO!" He snatches one ear and hollers into it. I recoil, rolling over and letting him fall off my chest to land next to his otherworldly friends.
"Let's start over," I tell them. "I'm Prussia. Human Prussia. From a world where humans are the dominant species. What are you guys supposed to be?"
Prussialin lifts a pale claw and stands on his tail. "We are the—"
"Don't say it, you imbecile," Austrialin pouts, and his snout goes even snootier.
"We're pang—" Hungalin begins.
Prussialin raises his voice and gives his awesomest, loudest squeak.
"WE ARE THE FRYING PANGOLINS, ANCIENT WARRIORS OF CENTRAL EUROPELIN, AND ETERNAL HEROES OF THE EARTHLIN! You may have heard of us in a little book called The Drama of the Pangolin."
"Don't mind him," says Hungalin. She looks tense, like she's trying to decide between calling "Germalin" and accepting chaos as it falls. "Tell us more about these humans."
"Shouldn't we be focused on cleaning up?" Asks Austrialin. His tail twitches irritably, and his stubby arms reach to touch around his belly. I can't help but reach out and poke it with a finger. The creature claws at my face, but my doppelgänger takes great interest in the "alien greeting" and pokes my stomach back with his whole paw. Too cute! I wiggle my arms until I've got his squirming form in my grip, then hug him. His scales are surprisingly soft, like fingernails, and his body is all squishy and warm. Who knew I could be so cuddly!?
"Put me down, you pang-ape! Geh! Ach! You don't know who you're dealing with! I am a legend! I'm an immortal being, born and raised by thousand-degree plasticky mantle… and steel! Steel that cuts through scales! You have no scales! I could bring you down in an instant!"
But I keep cuddling him. His angry snout is so adorable! What's not to love about a pangolin?
"Hungalin, help me!"
Hungalin's on the phone with Germalin, sounding frantic. She's never dealt with an alien before. I hope Germalin doesn't call the governmentlin.
"Will you stop it!? You're just hugging yourself, you know! Gah! Don't pet me! All right, you asked for this! Sword of Preußen, be my aid! By the Power of Prussia, become your true self!"
SHING!
Out of the silverware drawer flies a tiny butter knife, and when it connects with the paws of my scaly little self, it begins to grow, taking its ancient, enchanted form…
Ach, this is fucking adorable. Its true form is a regular-sized butter knife.
~N~
How has no one thought to make Frying Pangolins a thing. I demand more Frying Pangolins content.
Updated by Syntax-N FanFiction . Net July 11th, 2020. Reposters cursed.