My bathtub goes bananas… Would a washcloth taste good with salt?
"Germany-san, I would like you to take a look at my new invention. It is a true wonder, and I hope that in the future, it can benefit the whole world."
This has gotta be good! Japan's usually a man of vague words, but this time, he sounds sincere! He just got to our house, and sitting on a dolly before him is a huge box with a sheet over it! I stop fiddling with the mini-biome I created between my fingertips and crawl over the back of the couch to see him wheeling the thing over to the kitchen table. It seems everyone's on a major inventing kick lately. With America's ice cream suit and my top-secret Poké Ball project, the creative juices are squirting out of our pores like they've been stopped up and growing for years. (Germany's been watching a lot of TLC. I think he's depressed.)
"If you need me to test anything, you can shove it wherever it needs to go!" I tell the quiet man.
He gives me an odd look, then proceeds to remove the sheet from the box. It's nondescript cardboard, but this doesn't faze his seriousness. After cutting open the tape at the top, we're all hit with a flurry of styrofoam and the tongues of fabric keeping the article safe. Japan gets himself a pair of latex gloves and science lab goggles, then removes his grand invention.
It's a multicolored plastic pistol, but big enough to tote around like an average super soaker. Also out of the box come a few cartridges of various powders and potions, which he loads into a compartment in the handle of the pistol. Then he places the whole deal back in the box and instructs us to put on our own gloves and goggles so we can admire it. I run through a few steampunk jokes in my head, but I can't get super soaker to fit with the aesthetic.
"It has undergone many design revisions, and this is still only a prototype."
"The ultimate water blaster?" I ask, fingers twitching to get my hands on it.
"Do not let its current design distract you from its purpose. This device may be the key to solving nutrition deficits in children, especially picky eaters. My hope was to create a safe, user-friendly kitchen appliance that infuses healthy food options with the flavors of other foods children prefer. A later iteration would introduce texture modifications as well."
"It's a flavor-infusing gun?" Germany asks. Wow, and I thought I was the blunt one!
"That was not my original intent. I imagined it appearing more like a rice cooker and soaking foods in flavors before they are ready to serve. But not all flavors are easy to steam away, and another rice cooker-sized item on the counter would be a burden to efficient meal preparation."
"Are you pitching this to us or just showing us how cool it is? Demonstrate!" I say.
Japan nods. "So far I have been testing it on fruits and vegetables. Their fibrous structures are open to flavor infusion."
Germany retrieves an orange from the kitchen. Japan takes it and sets it in a neat spot of the table. Then he takes the flavor gun and tells us to stand back.
"What would you prefer the orange tasted like?"
"BANANA!" I screech nearly in his ear. Germany smacks me with the back of his gloved hand.
"That request is easy. Banana is number seven on a list of currently 117 synthesizable flavors, none of which involve blueberry to prevent class-action lawsuits. Now observe. With this app on my phone, I select the banana flavor."
The flavor gun whirrs, barrel shortening and mechanics within mixing powders and potions together. Japan takes aim, then shoots the fruit! A fine laser stream issues from the barrel and flashes around the orange for a few seconds before dissipating.
"That was one 'shot' of pure banana flavor. There are also strawberry banana and chocolate banana."
"Ach, none o' that stuff, Japan! I like bananas because they have no bones!"
"I do not believe—"
"Just an expression!" I tell him, leaping over to the table and peeling the orange. The scent hits my nose, and I'm grabbing the edge of the table so I don't float away in happiness. It smells like bananas! And when I try a slice on my tongue! Mm! Oh! Wow! Banana! Banana all the way across the sky!
"Is it good?" Germany asks.
"It's banana! Try some!"
"Is the juice banana-flavored, or the texture?"
"Just try it!"
"Is there still any orange flavor?"
"We gotta try new food 'cause it might taste goooood!"
"Is it artificial flavor or natural—"
"TRY IT!" I shriek in my old Prussian general voice, far more efficient than any whimsical flavor gun in getting Germany to eat. Instantly, his back goes straight, and his buttcheeks are clenched. He's reporting for duty in seconds, and I give him an orange slice. There's not even a wince as he chews it. Only a surprised raise of the eyebrows and a few fingers grasping for more.
"So then it works again," Japan says. "It solved the case of Germany's picky eating."
Germany squeaks. I send him another general's glare, and he finishes the rest of the orange.
"There is currently a calorie count on some flavors that I am working to reduce, but it is minimal. My most successful test of the device was an experiment with romaine lettuce and the pizza flavor."
"You made that bitter crap taste like pizza?" I ask, further bracing myself against the table. My blood pressure is all wonky in my legs. Guess I really wanna go zero-G today!
"Yes. I did. The last time I was staying with America-san, he ordered some pizzas, and I added salads to the order to be health-conscious. America refused to touch his salad, so I infused it with pizza flavor."
"Cool beans, but hardly necessary. America will eat anything if you sing the 'We gotta try new food' song."
"I have taken that into account. He did not try the salad until I infused it with pizza flavor and sang him the song.
Germany eyes the kitchen, looking for more fruits and veggies to transform. He's far gone. I'm the adult in the room, and I'm quickly craving more banana myself.
"What if the kids get used to food tasting a certain way? It'll take away from the palate-broadening experience."
"As of right now, its use pertains to foods children will not eat otherwise. This is why I have mainly tested it on fiber."
Ach, and it works too well. There's something in that banana flavoring. My stomach is churning and flipping for more. But I have to wait my turn. Germany's just slapped a bowl of cold baked beans on the table. He takes Japan's phone and sets it to oatmeal flavor.
"No, Lud, be more adventurous than that. Look at all these flavors! Cantaloupe! Bacon! Lasagna! Red tuna sushi!"
"Red tuna sushi? That sounds tasty."
"How about not red tuna sushi after the last time Japan made supper? You ate too much and got sick."
"It was so good, though. I couldn't stop myself."
"Germany-san, I have to remind you of this as much as America. It is a Japanese custom to only eat until you are full. Sushi is not a food to stuff yourself with."
"Yeah, see, Germany? Even I knew that! I only eat until I'm full."
"But you're the one eating whole bathtubs of food!"
"That does not sound sanitary," Japan says.
"But it's fun!"
Germany rips the phone back from me and sets the flavor to red tuna sushi. He blasts the beans, then scoops them up with a spoon and gives such a pleasured sigh after emptying the bowl I feel like he's going to start floating!
But it's my turn, and I'm going to have that gun! I snatch it from Japan, who was about to put it away, (how dare he!?) and scramble to the kitchen.
"Have you only tried it on fibers?"
"That is the main area of testing."
"But it could infuse more things than that, right? Like… like bread?"
I snag the six bread rolls I bought this morning and blast them with banana. The smell of baked flour changes instantly to fruity fun. One bite, and I'm scarfing down each one until nothing but crumbs remain. My stomach gives a giddy gurgle. More! More bananas! Bananas are the answer to life!
"Give me the gun back. I want to try more flavors, or maybe just more things with sushi flavor. Are there more sushi flavors? Can this thing make an orange taste like sushi?"
Germany's hands are shaking as he swipes for the gun, but I pull back. This is first and foremost a banana gun! Not a sushi gun! I scramble to the pantry and take out a sack of potatoes. Each one is infused and devoured! Banana potatoes! The sticky-sweet goes so well with the starchy texture!
My body's compensating. I feel sick to my stomach, but only as long as it takes for the accelerated processes within me to catch up. Like nothing, it's all processed and stored, then evaporates away. My middle swells out, then contracts. Bloats up, and shrinks. I am the hyper-goat! Feed me infinitely!
"Give me the gun!" Germany yells.
"Nooo, it's still my turn! More banana flavor!"
"GIVE ME THE GUN NOW!" He shrieks in his old pilot's voice, louder than a roaring storm.
"NO! I WANT MORE BANANAS!"
His back goes stiff. His buttcheeks clench. But still he's twitching weirdly, and in another second, the spell of iron glory breaks. I barely dodge his right hook before backflipping over the kitchen counter and shooting the can of sparkling water I left sitting out. The sparkling water tastes… meh… more or less like regular flavored sparkling water. You just can't make that stuff taste good. The can, on the other hand, tastes like bananas, and I crunch it between my teeth before swallowing. My stomach cramps and gurgles with a pain humans would call "violently ill." But as much as I want to collapse, I keep my grip on the banana gun. I've felt worse, and in a few minutes, I'll be fine again.
Germany gives chase. He growls with enough vigor to send all three dogs into a howling fury. Blackie pulls off one of my shoes, and Berlitz sticks his nose right into my buttcrack. My back bends, and I have to clutch the banana gun to my chest. I have to keep it safe! Use it well! ACH!
He almost got my collar there! I jump off the top stair and lift both feet up, literally flying to the bottom and over to my room. I've gotta try this on all my fruit gummies! All banana gummy bears? Köstlich as fuck!
I wave my hand, and the fruit gummy chest blows apart. Whoops. Bags and bags of chewy treats spill out to conquer the floor. I start shooting randomly, then rip up the bags and eat them, plastic and all. My gullet expands to accommodate the size, and again, my stomach stretches before squeezing down my meals like a sock.
"Give me the gun, Prussia! GIVE IT!"
Shit! There's Germany at my door with his three pupper police! He braces himself against the door frame so I can't escape, but under pressure, I easily glorp into a half-liquid state and slide out past him. He turns around. Aster leaps at me, grabbing the back of my shirt in her teeth. I phase through the fabric and leap shirtless into the bathroom. The door slams shut, and I reinforce the lock with a little titanium, but I know with an angry Germany it's not going to last long.
My vision goes yellow. I have to obey my stomach, groaning for more to satisfy! I can eat anything, right? How about a washcloth? I shoot one, then stuff it in my mouth and swallow. A towel? Tasting like bananas, definitely! Deodorant? Down the hatch!
Germany bangs on the door. I hear him screaming banana murder out there. Bananas? Where? I spin around a couple of times, seeing everything as bananas. Everything could be bananas! I'm going bananas! I'm melting into a puddle of bananas! Bathtub of bananas? Why not?
I shoot the bathtub and start munching away. Reality's just a fabric. I can bite through painted porcelain as if it were only a crunchy carrot! Ach, not carrots. I want bananas! I only like bananas! Like this bathtub! It's made of bananas, kesese~
I don't even notice when the hinges on the door start to bend and break. Germany's tapping into his hidden power. Nations are stronger than humans, and when they really try, they're like titans of the earth! The door squeals, then SNAPS! A huge weight comes down on my shoulders as Germany tackles me. We roll all over each other. Here, there, and where the bathtub used to be because I ate it. He punches my ribs, and I pull his left shoulder until I hear a gruesome crack. There! He's immobilized! I seize the gun and point it at his chest. My stomach bubbles, and my mind goes all fuzzy. Banana Germany? Banana-flavored… Germany? Tasty?
"ENOUGH!"
It's not Germany. He's still moaning in pain on the floor. It's Japan. He marches up and grabs the gun. I hiss, but he pops a banana-flavored tablet in my mouth, and I release. Or… is it a grape-flavored tablet? I've been tasting bananas for so long, that's what everything tastes like. He gives a tablet to Germany as well, then looks forlornly down at the gun in his arms.
"I am deeply sorry," he says. "This happened with America, too. Something in the flavor formulas is proving to be extremely addictive. It was over four hours before I could stop him from turning everything into pizza. Although… he didn't actually eat everything. He only wanted to taste it."
I look to where he's looking. A space below a showerhead where a bathtub should be. I beat my chest a few times and belch.
"There must be further testing," he mutters. "Further exploration. How does… is it nation power? How did you possibly eat the bathtub? Not even America-san ate a bathtub… or flew... or shapeshifted."
"Prussia isn't like us anymore. He has… powers…" Germany grunts. "Magic universe powers, or some shit. He does things like this on a regular basis… gah! You broke it!"
"They are Cosmic Reality-Altering Powers. C.R.A.P. And I did not break it. I dislocated it. Sit up. I'll fix you."
"I have questions," Japan says.
"Save them," I say. "Go deal with the police upstairs."
"What police?" Germany asks.
"Frau Froemming called them. I'm sure of it. Domestic issue about banana guns is definitely the kind of fire she'd like to see fought."
Someone's banging on the door upstairs. Germany squirms, but I press him back against the wall. My hands knead his wound until my fingers are in just the right spot. Then I pop it back in place and massage the area.
"Kehren Sie um. By the Power of Prussia, let Germany be healed," I voice, giving his shoulder a little kiss. "There. No more boo-boo?"
He nods, moving his arm perfectly. "No more."
"You can heal?" Japan squeals, losing all sense of composure. "Prussia-san, you have to… you have to—"
"I'm inventing real Poké Balls in my spare time. Keep your mouth shut, and I'll give you a cut. Now come on, Luddy, we have to go be respectable gentlemen for our lovely neighbor peeping through the blinds, and then I'm gonna make a banana poo."
Germany nods. He rises to his feet, straightens his back, clenches his buttcheeks, and marches with me up the stairs, leaving Japan to question his sanity a little longer.
~N~
A banana-flavored special to celebrate Council Day. What? You don't know about Council Day? An annual festival in August completely devoted to eating homemade banana bread and watching The Council's playthrough of Frogger: The Great Quest? You are missing out.
Updated by Syntax-N FanFiction . Net August 7th, 2020. Reposters banana'd.