A few days later, they were sitting in front of the fireplace, where Vi had just finished telling Caitlyn, in her own romantic way, that she was the dirt under her nails, and that she'd never get cleaned out. Caitlyn continued staring at the fireplace as Vi rested her head on her shoulder. She wanted to turn and kiss Vi, but she was still self-conscious about Vi having to see that part of her face. Would Vi turn away, saying she didn't want to risk hurting Caitlyn, or give a brief kiss just to placate or humour her, and then try to change the topic to talk about something else. Caitlyn wasn't sure which would hurt her more.
The first few days, they spent just lying down in Caitlyn's massive bed. Caitlyn was always on her side, and Vi was lying down on her side behind her, her arm lazily over Caitlyn's body, her hand finding Caitlyn's and interlocking their fingers. Caitlyn was still in her navy blue uniform with the navy blue turtleneck. The sleeves rolled half way up. Vi was in her usual outfit, with the white t-shirt that could not contain her sinewy tattooed arms. Vi was able to sleep, but Caitlyn remained awake, her blue eye looking out the window.
They hadn't tried to be intimate since returning to the mansion after the battle. Caitlyn was too afraid to initiate, because she was afraid of Vi rejecting her, or telling her she was too tired, or giving some other reason to avoid touching her. Or looking at her up close. And Vi was too afraid of hurting Caitlyn. She'd seen how vulnerable Caitlyn was in the hospital. As much as Vi wanted to kiss and touch Caitlyn, she knew that Caitlyn loved her, and wouldn't want her to stop, even if it caused her further pain. She'd want to hide it from Vi, and Vi didn't want to hurt her cupcake.
And despite Caitlyn's brave front, she had to be affected by the loss of her left eye. Her eyes were so beautiful, and while nothing would ever make Vi see her as anything less than her perfect cupcake, she knew how Caitlyn always prided herself on trying to present herself as best as possible, and that she must have felt so despondent, knowing this would be her new normal from now on.
Although Vi's motives were out of love for Caitlyn, to the Enforcer, she feared it was a lack of attraction, and that Vi was only staying with her out of compassion, rather than love. Many nights, Caitlyn had struggled to control her sobs, trying to keep them quiet enough to not wake Vi. But what Caitlyn didn't realize, was that Vi was awake more often than she realized. She could see Caitlyn's body silently shaking, and could tell it was caused by her crying. Vi wanted to reach out and pull her close, but was afraid of inadvertently causing Caitlyn's injuries to get worse. So Vi remained silent, sleeping only when she saw Caitlyn's sobs stop, and her breathing return to a softer rhythm, signifying that she had finally fallen asleep. That was the only time Vi would give into her body's need to sleep.
Caitlyn had felt some vertigo the first time she walked up the stairs, but was able to make it without any help, despite Vi's offer. Before the battle, many of the servants, maids and cooks had been made to leave, for their own safety. No one had returned after the battle, making the mansion seem more empty than it already was. But it wasn't something that bothered Caitlyn. On the contrary, the less people walking around, seeing her, gawking at her, or trying not to notice her, the better. The only other person in the home was Caitlyn's father, who pretty much kept to himself. Only really making himself present to check in on Caitlyn, to make sure she was following the doctor's instructions. As for tending to their meals, Caitlyn and Vi were not helpless in the kitchen. Caitlyn had actually always liked cooking for herself, and Vi had grown up having to cook for herself. The fridges and pantries were stocked with enough food to last for months.
But Caitlyn soon had to contend with her new reality. The loss of one of her eyes greatly affected her depth perception. And while she believed she would find a way to adjust, it would take time. She had trouble judging distances. A few times Caitlyn would trip going up or down the stairs, her quick reactions allowing her to grab a hand rail before she fell. Often Vi would be by her side in an instant, checking if she were alright, and telling her to either let her know if she needed something on another floor, or to let her go with her. Vi insisted it wasn't a problem, as she said she might as well get used to the place, saying it with that mischievous smirk that normally brought an amused smile to Caitlyn's face. But this time, all Caitlyn could do was muster a tired, tight smile as she nodded to her girlfriend.
Caitlyn appreciated Vi's help, but felt ashamed for needing it. She was a Kiramman. She wasn't supposed to.. to need help. She needed to be strong. She needed to be seen as strong to Vi. She didn't want Vi to see her as some invalid to look after. She wanted Vi to see her the way that she saw Vi. Even though… she was different now.
After a day or two, Caitlyn went to their large backyard with one of her family's hunting rifles, and decided to try some target practice. There were some target markers that were laid out in the large estate. They were metal rings on a spring stand that would pop up. In the middle of the metal right was a wooden circle painted white with a red dot in the centre. The target ring was less than a foot in diameter, and was approximately 30 yards away. Easy distance. Something Caitlyn could hit with little effort. Caitlyn got in position and took aim. It was a strange sensation, not having to squint and close her other eye while aiming. She tried to remember everything she learned, her old training coming back to her. She lined up her shot, took a breath, slowly exhaling, and pressed the trigger, leading to the familiar report of the rifle.
Watching the target through her scope, Caitlyn waited for a millisecond to see the shot hit the red circle right at its centre. Only, it didn't. A sound clang was heard as her bullet found the edge of the metal right, ricocheting off. The wooden circle fell out of the ring, but did not break. Horrible. Caitlyn cursed herself for the unacceptable miss. She had it lined up perfectly. She tried again with another target, with only a marginal improvement. Each time, she could feel herself getting angrier and more frustrated. She was a perfectionist. It wasn't a case of her being able to hit the small red circle, it was how close to the centre of that circle she could hit with pin point accuracy. After several attempts, she began to find her range. But her best was only the outer edge of the red circle. Still better than most other sharpshooters, but not good enough for Caitlyn. It wasn't about her finally being able to hit the circle after multiple shots. In a real battle, no one was afforded multiple shots. It had to be the one shot. The first shot had to be so good, so perfect, that a second shot wasn't needed. Caitlyn took a breath as she got up from her crouched position, mentally spent from what was a frustrating day. She heard the sound of clapping, and turned to see Vi standing a few feet away from her. Caitlyn's eye opened wide, and she rubbed her eye to wipe away at the soreness, or was it the tears that she knew had begun to form? She could see Vi frown, and have a concerned look on her face as she stepped forward.
"Everything alright, cupcake? How's your eye?" Vi asked. It was a common question she'd ask, whether they were eating in, or taking a walk on the grounds, or resting on the sofa. Caitlyn knew Vi was asking out of love, but Caitlyn hated Vi always thinking about her injury. She just wished they could talk about something else. Caitlyn then looked back at the targets in the distance before turning to Vi with a mild smile.
"It's fine, Vi. I just— just still adjusting to not having to squint every time I shoot. Turns out it may be a while before I'm an 'excellent shot', again,". Caitlyn said, trying to sound casual, or indifferent. But it was impossible to hide the bitterness in her voice, and Vi could hear it.
"Just takes a while, Cait, that's all. Give it some time, and everything will be back to normal." Vi said, and instantly winced at having used the word 'normal'.
Caitlyn tried to smile, but looked sad as she looked down at her rifle before replying:
"Vi, I — I don't know if things will ever be back to normal, or… if I will," she said softly, her tone a mix of bitterness and resignation.
Vi knew Caitlyn. And knew she wasn't talking about the shooting, but about her injury. Rather than argue or ask what she meant, Vi looked up at the sky, and saw that the sun was starting to go down. Vi then had an idea to get Caitlyn out of her mood. Vi spoke up:
"Hey, what are you doing, tonight?" Caitlyn's head snapped up, taken aback by the question.
"Oh, uh, well, I was planning on just reading some —" in that moment, Vi had come up to her and taken her by her free hand.
"Yeah, yeah, cupcake, those reports aren't going anywhere. When was the last time you went out?" Caitlyn raised her eyebrows and looked to the side, as if trying to find out when she actually left for anything other than work. But nothing came to mind.
"I- I cant remember. Did, did you have any place in mind?" Vi simply smiled and shrugged.
"Nowhere in particular. I just thought we could walk around the area. I don't know much about your neighbourhood, so I thought it would be good to get used to the area, since I am technically a resident," Vi finished with a wry smile that got a tight smile back from Caitlyn.
In truth, Vi didn't care to go on a walk. But she knew Caitlyn had kept her self cooped up in her home for the last few days, and Vi thought she'd need some fresh air and a change of scenery. But Vi wanted to frame it as something Vi wanted to do for herself, because she knew if she presented it as something for Caitlyn, she'd refuse, not wanting to bother Vi. Vi also had no interest in touring Piltover, but Zaun was out of the question. Caitlyn was seen by many as the visual representation of Piltover oppression against Zaun. And despite everything Caitlyn had done to try and undo the damage that was done, even giving up her council seat and declaring that the replacement should be from Zaun, for some, it would never be enough.
Vi looked down for a moment as she and Caitlyn were walking back to the mansion as the sun began to fall. Caitlyn always amazed her, but giving up her family's ancestral seat, and having it be given to someone from Zaun, Vi remembered being in the room when she made the announcement to the other council members. It was a look of collective shock. And disdain, from some. But Caitlyn was resolute in her decision. She said the representative would have to be from Zaun. That it was the only way to break the cycle and move forward. Vi remembered spotting Sevika among the Zaun representatives. It was the first time Vi had seen the Zaunite enforcer stunned. Her eyes open, her expression one of surprise and suspicion. When Caitlyn stood aside from her seat and motioned Sevika over, Vi remembered Sevika actually looking around, as if seeing if it were some kind of elaborate performance or game. But eventually, Sevika saw that Caitlyn was serious, and walked to the seat. Caitlyn had that determined (and hot) expression she always word when she was serious about something. And when Sevika neared Caitlyn, Sevika stopped and actually gave a barely perceptible nod to Vi's cupcake, which the cupcake returned. It was amazing how much things change. The last time they'd met, Sevika had Caitlyn pressed against the wall, and Caitlyn had returned the favour by pressing down on Sevika with her hex tech rifle when Sevika was on her back. But now? Caitlyn had voluntarily given up her seat, and asked that it be given to the Zaunite representative, knowing how much it would upset the other Piltover councillors, but not caring, because she knew it was the right thing to do. There were times Vi felt that Caitlyn had no idea how good her own heart was. It was one of the reasons she loved her so much. They continued their walk to the house in silence.
Caitlyn tried to stare forward the whole way when she wasn't looking down. A date night? Was that it? Caitlyn felt a slight smile at her lips, feeling the tension from her failed target range dissipate. Maybe going out, and being among people, was a good thing? Maybe it would help her forget about her insecurities. She decided to ignore the lingering doubts she had and join Vi on an evening out.
She wished she had listed to her doubts. And Vi wished she hadn't have suggested the outing.
Vi wore her typical red and black jacket with the sleeves rolled halfway up her forearms, her black pants and boots and white shirt. Caitlyn still had the dark navy outfit, with the turtleneck and black boots that went almost up to her knees. Her coat, which was a dark blue as well, but in a slightly lighter shade, had some gold trim access along the hight collar, waist and wrists. She probably didn't need the long coat, but it was more because she wanted to cover up more. She let her dark blue hair fall to the sides, the only other notable item being the black eye patch. As they left the manor and turned down the street to the more populous areas of the city, Vi noticed that Caitlyn was trying to pull her hair down on the left side of her face, trying to make it cover her eye patch. Vi frowned but said nothing, thinking it was just a temporary thing, and that after some time, Caitlyn wouldn't feel so self-conscious. But as they passed by some citizens, Vi could tell they were starting to get some looks from citizens. Most knew who Caitlyn was, and as Piltover citizens, would have had a favourable view of her time as commander. But while most were cordial, smiling or nodding in greeting to Caitlyn, and even to Vi, as she was with her, some were less forthcoming. As they passed by, they would whisper. And Vi could tell what they were saying. They were commenting about Caitlyn's eye patch. Some saying how unfortunate it was that such a pretty lady would have to live with such an injury. That she used to be so beautiful.
'Used to be'? Vi felt her blood boil, and for a moment, wished she had her gauntlets with her.
More than once, Vi slowed her walk, with Caitlyn gently touching her arm and telling her it was okay. When Vi turned to argue that it wasn't, she saw Caitlyn had her head down, looking at the ground, and again tried to brush the hair on the left side of her face down so that it covered the left side of her face. She turned to Vi, and tried to muster a smile, but Vi could tell that it was fake. Vi felt horrible. She'd wanted to try and make Caitlyn feel better, and what did she do? She brought her out, for a bunch of shallow and superficial people to stare at and make comments about someone who'd dedicated her whole life to protecting them! Vi was tempted to turn and say something, but she didn't want to further upset Caitlyn. Instead she tried to give back a smile and they resumed walking.
The incident happened a few more times, and at least once, a child had approached them, but as they got closer to Caitlyn, they saw her eyepatch. Some awkwardly turned away, but the one that Vi could tell hurt Caitlyn the most were the ones who looked scared and ran away. Caitlyn was never comfortable around kids, but she always loved when they would talk to her about who she was, and why she wanted to be an Enforcer. Some of them even said they wanted to be like her. But now? Well, there were more than enough reasons for them to not want to follow in her footsteps. There was a restaurant that Caitlyn used to go to, but after the encounters on the way, Caitlyn said she felt tired, and that maybe they could just take a walk around the manor grounds. Vi understood, and reached for Caitlyn's hand and gave a gentle squeeze as they turned around. Caitlyn voiced a soft apology, knowing that Vi was trying to help her.
Vi though, was angry.
Not at Caitlyn. But at… everyone, and everything else. She'd done so much for everyone. She was always so selfless. And now, because of an injury she got while fighting to defend all of THEM, they looked at her, and treated her, like she was a leper. It made Vi feel a renewed sense of hatred towards Ambessa, for everything she did to Caitlyn. Taking advantage of her when she was in such a bad place emotionally. Manipulating her into being the one thing Caitlyn never wanted to be, a symbol of oppression. It was so unfair. Vi remembered when Caitlyn had spoken with her and Ekko, and promised to speak on their behalf. And then, kept that promise by speaking to the council later that night. And even though her words fell on deaf ears, she kept her promise. She spoke up. For Zaun. That was how she was. Who she was. But thanks to Ambessa's manipulations, most of Zaun would only see her as the latest in a long line of oppressors.
They eventually reached the manor, and decided to head inside. Vi had been so sweet to Caitlyn, trying to make some comment about the people who'd looked at her funny. Some of Vi's snarky remarks got Caitlyn to betray just the hint of a smile. Vi reached up as if to kiss Caitlyn on the lips, but instead kissed the right side of her forehead, careful to avoid the area near her eye patch. Caitlyn smiled and said she was going to work on some reports. Caitlyn had prepared a tea for herself, and before heading to the study, realized she'd forgotten one of the reports in their bedroom dresser. She made her way to the spacious bedroom, and turned to the vanity dresser, seeing the report on the top. As she walked towards it, too late, she saw the large floor to wall mirror, accented by gold trim. She should have looked away, but caught sight of the eye patch as she neared the mirror. The lighting in the room was poor, and she should have just grabbed the report and left, but some part of her wanted to get a closer look. She stepped closer, putting the coffee on the dresser top next to the report. She then flipped a light switch, illuminating much of the room. Caitlyn blinked once to adjust to increased lighting, and then looked into the mirror, starting from her dark boots, letting her eye travel from her dark blue form fitting pants, why the gold accented buckle, to her fitted dark navy turtleneck, with her sleeves rolled halfway up her arms. She then, slowly, but hesitantly let her eye go up farther, until she was staring at her face in the mirror. Her dark blue straight hair was parted slightly to her right side, with her arm mane falling on both sides of her face, down just past her shoulders. She'd always taken pride in taking care of herself. But then, her eye shifted from her piercing blue eye, to the other eye, covered by the eye patch. The one thing that no amount of work or effort could fix. It was like an ugly blotch on a canvas she'd worked so hard to preserve. And the ugly blotch couldn't be covered, because it was on her face. For everyone to see. Including Vi. Caitlyn slowly, with her left hand, brought it up to her patch, intending to remove it. But she chose not to. She didn't need to. She… she knew what she looked like. What she was covering up. She felt a lump in her throat, followed by a feeling of self-hate.
She felt sad? Why? Was what happened to her somehow unfair? How many people suffered because she couldn't properly cope with her own grief and anger? She'd almost lost Vi forever. She'd hurt so many people. She'd allowed Maddie to get close to her and betray every misgiving she'd ever had about Ambessa to the Noxian warlord herself. She'd been a fool. And in the end, all she lost was an eye. She deserved to wear that mark.
That.. ugly blotch. And Vi… Vi deserved so much better. Caitlyn swallowed the lump, and took a breath. She turned off the light, satisfied that she'd seen enough. She then reached for the tea, but misjudged the distance. Her damn depth perception. Or rather, lack thereof. Her heart jumped for a moment at the realization that she'd tipped the tea so that the cup fell off the stand down to her feet. Before she could react, the porcelain cup hit the hardwood floor and shattered into pieces, making a louder sound than she'd expected. She looked down at the spilled liquid contents for a moment, as if transfixed by it. Then, with no warning, she felt a sob escape from her, followed by a feeling of anger. Tears? Over spilled tea? How pathetic had she become? She wanted to fight down the sobs, but she soon realized she couldn't. Because the tears were never over the spilled tea. Or just her injury. It was over… everything.
Everything that she'd done since the rocket attack.
Every mistake she had ever made.
Her obsessive search to hunt down Jinx.
Risking the killing of a child to make the shot on Jinx. (It didn't matter if she could have made the shot without hitting the child. The person she knew she was, or used to be, would never have taken that risk, even if it was Jinx).
Hurting Vi and leaving her in that tunnel. Her eye burned at the sight of her looking down at a crying Vi, holding her stomach after she'd… after she'd hit her there.
Having that hollow tryst with Maddie while Vi had hit rock bottom, and incurred who knows how many injuries when pit fighting.
Accepting Ambessa's nomination of her to oversee martial law. Why? Was it because she needed the validation? Someone professing they believed in her, even though, if Caitlyn had any sense at that moment, she would know they were only using her? And the indictments against her didn't end with her appointment. More came to mind.
Allowing so many repressive acts under her watch.
Finally turning on Ambessa, but being unprepared for the scale of her response.
Not seeing Maddie for the traitor she was.
Almost dying in the plaza. That was how Vi would have found her.
And in the end, after every choice, every mistake she'd made, she lost her eye. She had no right to feel sorry for herself. It didn't matter if she was in grief and pain, and was taken advantage of by a Noxian warlord, she was a Kiramman. She should have been stronger. She should have known better.
And she deserved to see what she saw, when she looked in that mirror, every day.
But did Vi? And even if Vi still wanted to be with Caitlyn? Did Caitlyn even deserve her? Or anyone, in her life?
Caitlyn was waiting for a voice in her head to say yes. To speak up. To defend her. To tell her she was a good person. A good person who never wanted to hurt anyone. Who wanted to help people. All people, not just those in Piltover, but in Zaun. But there was only silence. And after staring at the broken cup for what felt like hours, but were in fact seconds, Caitlyn slowly dropped to her knees, her hands on her lap, and let out a sob. The tears soon followed. And she couldn't stop them. Not this time.
Vi decided to sit by the same fireplace they were at earlier, propping one knee up as she began to hum her song again. Trying to forget the evening. She stopped when she heard the sound of something breaking. With a start, Vi called out Caitlyn's name, but heard nothing. Feeling worried, Vi rushed to the sound of the crash. She was in a large study room, that it turned out was next to their bedroom. She quickly rounded the corner to their bedroom, and after her eyes swept the bed and windows at the far wall, saw something in the darkened room. Something Huddled in front of the mirror.
Caitlyn? Caitlyn!