Arriving back at Hogwarts after the break was typically uneventful. Saying goodbye to her parents was always a bittersweet moment, Petunia and Lily managed not to fight the rest of the break, but that also meant Lily not being able to discuss her favorite part of herself. It felt weird for Lily to be going back to Hogwarts when everything was clearly not right. She went to visit Severus a few days after she got home, as she had told him, but there was no answer at the door and there were no lights on. Every day was like that, Severus never answered, and Lily never saw him. She went over every day, but he was not there. She even wrote him a letter and had her owl Almitas deliver it to him. But the owl always came back still gripping the letter. Lily grew concerned but also angry. They had promised not to shut each other out or lie and he is doing just that. On the train Lily looked all over for Severus but had no luck all she could do was wait and hope he would be at the welcome back feast. Walking into the Great Hall with some other Gryffindor girls, she scanned the Slytherin table and to her relief and anger she found Severus sitting with Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa, Macnair, and Goyle Sr. talking with , so you will talk to them but not to thought. With welcome-back words from Dumbledore, the feast began, and everyone started digging in. Lily only picked at her food and found she wasn't as hungry as she thought.
"You really should eat, Lily." Marlene McKinnon, one of Lily's housemates and best friends stated.
"I guess I'm not super hungry," Lily said picking at her food.
"Well, you should try and eat something. Might help get back into the routine. Is everything okay?" Marlene asked.
"Yeah, at least I think so. I must still be in the holiday mindset."
"Yeah, getting back into routine is so difficult. You know if you need to talk, I'm one bed away," Marlene said smiling at Lily who smiled back.
When Dumbledore dismissed the students, Lily escorted some of the younger students back to the common room. After all the events of coming back to Hogwarts, Lily was exhausted and figured Severus wanted his space. Besides, he could not avoid classes tomorrow and she would see him in almost every one of them. She figured they both needed the rest and she decided to retire for the night. After checking in with McGonagall, Lily was about to leave the common room and go to her bedroom when Remus and the others stopped her.
"Wotcher Evans!" Sirius shouted. Lily turned around and came to them. "Have a good Holiday?"
"Well look at that, now who's the one that cares," Lily said sarcastically, crossing her arms.
"Bloody hell, I was trying to be nice" Sirius rolled his eyes.
"My Holiday was alright, nothing special. What about yours? Lily stated to the group too worn out to argue.
"Our breaks w-were good," Peter jumped in.
"Get into any mischief? As your prefect, I'm required to ask," Lily said jokingly.
"Guess you'll just have to wait and see huh," James stated looking at Sirius and Peter, but Remus looked confused.
"Can't wait," Lily said rolling her eyes. "Anyways, great talk, I will see you boys tomorrow." Lily headed up her dorm stairs and heard the boys laughing as she ascended the staircase. "Dunderheads." She mumbled under her breath. She settled in for the night and, finding herself exhausted, found sleep quickly.
Lily woke up on Monday feeling just as tired as the night before. Being an extremely disciplined person, Lily got up and got ready to make sure everyone was heading down to was right, I just need to get back into the routine and try to ignore the negative escorted the students to breakfast and found her usual the Great Hall, breakfast was already being served and Lily looked over to the Slytherin table, out of habit and curiosity. When she and Severus made eye contact, he quickly looked won't he even look at me?Lily sat down alongside Alice and Marlene and figured she would talk to Severus in class and with that, she started eating some breakfast.
"Oh, good. I'm glad you're eating. Maybe you just needed some rest." Marlene said trying to get Lily to talk a bit. "So, now that you feel a bit rested, how was your Christmas? Tell me everything." Marlene asked cheerfully.
"Maybe. My Christmas was alright I guess, I got a bunch of random things, all non-magic items of course." Being Muggle born Lily never got any kind of magical gifts, her parents only ever gave her muggle things. Lily did not mind, however, she loved that part of her. It was the same for Marlene who was a half-blood.
"Yeah, mine was the same. Although I did get a book about spells that can be used to heal wounds and all that, so that was super interesting. But that is the only magical thing I got. My dad, as I'm sure you understand, only gets me muggle gifts because he wants me to embrace that side of me, the only magical gifts I get are from my mum. Did you get enough sleep last night? I know you weren't feeling well." Marlene asked.
"Yeah, when I went to bed you weren't there yet". Alice chimed in catering to her plant not even looking up.
"Um yeah, I suppose I got a decent night's rest," Lily said taking a sip of her pumpkin juice. "Like you said, Marlene, I just have to get back into my routine," Lily said unnervingly trying to take another bite of toast, anxiety in her stomach about talking with Severus today.
"Good, that's important. Well since there will be no announcements today, we should start heading to Transfiguration. I don't want to be late, and I want to get the same seats as last term before the boys take them." Marlene laughed as she stood up and waited for the other girls. As Lily and Marlene started walking to leave, Marlene turned back and noticed Alice was not following. "Oh, goodness Alice, come on or Lily is going to take away points from us." Marlene joked as Alice gathered her things in a hurry and the three of them headed to class.
Walking down the corridors it felt more crowded to Lily. Maybe it's because she was not feeling like herself, or she was in her thoughts about what she was going to say to Severus. Marlene and Alice continued joking and talking about break still noticing something was off in Lily. Upon entering class, Lily noticed that McGonagall was in her cat form walking around waiting for class to begin. Severus was sitting next to Bellatrix which made Lily more enraged than it should have. And of course, James's Potter and his pack of goonies all had their partners sitting close to Lily and Marlene's usual seat. Lily walked in and Severus looked up and made eye contact with her and once again looked away quickly, ignoring her presence. Alice went straight to Frank to sit with him and Marlene pointed to two seats open and of course, it was in front of Sirius and Remus. Lily sat down just hoping Sirius would keep his big mouth shut because she was not in the mood to deal with his comments and immaturity. But of course, that was impossible.
"Oh, my my, lucky me. I get to have two prefects by me. What a pleasure." He said sarcastically.
"Planning on falling asleep, Black?" Marlene asked in a joking way knowing a Lily didn't have it in her to mess with him.
Sirius shrugged "You never know. Some classes are indeed more interesting than others. I do have a fascination with transfiguration, however." He said pausing to look at Lily, who felt his stare and turned around. "Changing into something else entirely especially an animal, well that can sure be exciting. So I tend to pay attention in this class." Sirus stated nudging Remus who just glared at him and slumped down in his chair.
"You know, you can be quite odd sometimes. But enough about you. Did you have a good holiday Remus?" Lily asked changing her tone when talking to Remus and Sirius gave her a look which Lily ignored. "I remember you were feeling faint when we went home," Lily asked with a smile as Remus started to blush.
"Oh, um yeah it was okay, I got some much-needed rest…I suppose." He replied sounding a bit nervous.
"Blimey, Moony! I've never seen your face any other shade than pale. You told Evans rest was what you needed? What a tale." Sirius stated annoyingly with a chuckle. "Oi prongs, Wormtail, get a load of this," Sirius said turning back to tell the two boys behind them. Marlene gave a slight chuckle and looked at Remus.
"Shut up Padfoot." Remus snarled quietly elbowing Sirius who started laughing as he slumped even lower covering his face.
"Hmm you are a bit pink; do usgirlsmake you nervous, Remus?" Marlene joked which elicited a small smile from Lily. Who looked passed Remus to see Snape staring at the group, eyebrows furrowed in anger. He was blatantly igniting Bellatrix and the other Slytherins and would not stop staring at the group. When he noticed Lily watching him he made a saddened face and turned away. Lily also turned away facing forward again.
"Please, there is NO way he would be nervous. Remus doesn't get nervous about anything, especially girls. Thick skin this one. Isn't that right, Moony?" Sirius nudged Remus. But before Remus could answer Lily jumped in turning around quickly still sounding annoyed.
"Why do you guys call each other those silly names?" Lily asked.
"The real question is, why don't you have 'silly names' for all your friends? Keeps things fun and shows a close bond. Betcha have one for Sniv." Sirius responded with another shrug pointing his thumb toward the Slytherin side. Lily just stared at him and looked back towards Remus who was slouching down in his seat as if he was embarrassed by the conversation.
"You know what—" Lily started but before any more talking could happen, McGonagall transfigured back into a person and started her lesson. Lily just glared at Sirius as she turned around and got out her quill and parchment.
Transfiguration and Charms went by fairly quickly, Lily sat by Marlene in Charms as well and was frustrated she hadn't had an opportunity to talk to Severus yet. He stared at the group and glared in every class but would not let Lily talk to him. Potions was the next class and Lily was determined to sit by Severus so they could finally talk. Lily and Severus were usually partners in potions anyway, since they were two out of a select few of their grade to be put in a different potions class because they were advanced. So, after charms, Lily rushed to Potions knocking people out of the way and almost running through the corridors, to the basement level. Peter and Remus were two more of the select few students who were also in the more advanced potions class for their grade level. Upon rushing to the class when Lily got there, she realized she was one of the first ones there and Professor Slughorn looked up from his desk where he was standing and looking through something in a pot with a magnifying glass.
"Oh, Miss Evans. My, so out of breath, fight off those nargles on your way down? Feisty little things they are. I trust you had a relaxing break?"
"My break was very relaxing, thank you, sir. What are nargles?" Lily asked trying to catch her breath.
"No matter my dear no matter. Why the rush, was it to be with your favorite professor? Not to worry I will not tell the others" Slughorn stated, laughing at his joke.
Lily awkwardly laughed "Oh um, I was just eager to get to class I suppose. But what about you professor? Have a relaxing break?"
"I don't know about relaxing but certainly eventful. A potions professor's work is never done." He went back to looking at the pot on his desk and Lily went sit at her usual seat and waited until Severus walked into the room. As students started walking in, Lily was searching for Severus. When he finally entered he was one of the last students to come in, even though he loved this to avoid me,Lily thought. Severus spotted Lily right away sitting where they usually sit near the front. However, he started walking in a different direction than where Lily was. He started walking towards Narcissa and was about to sit by her when Lily called him over.
"Severus, look, I saved you your usual seat! You must have missed me when you walked in." Lily played it off as a joke. Most of the class, and even Slughorn, heard and looked up staring at Severus. With a sigh clearly embarrassed, Severus looked at Narcissa who rolled her eyes and walked back over to where Lily was sitting. He sat down not making eye contact with her and he was turned away. He was just going to ignore her, he had to because she could find out about what happened. Class began and Professor Slughorn walked to the other side of his desk to start teaching.
"As I know you are all aware your NEWTS and OWLS are coming up, this term in fact. Now I have spoken with a select few of you and am aware that others of you," he looked at Lily and Severus, "will want to continue with potions, so I encourage you all to stay focused and disciplined this term to at least get 'exceeds expectations' or high marks for your potion's exams. Today you will be brewing a simple hair-raising potion, just to get back into it. I trust you all read before class today the chapter on the implications and effects of this potion. The instructions are on the board, your scurvy grass and other ingredients are in the back. You may begin, you have one hour".
With that Lily went to go get the ingredients while Severus was getting the cauldron ready. Coming back, she organized their station and started preparing ingredients with Severus who still was not looking at her. Lily and Severus worked very well together. They had a system for how they worked during potions. Severus always got the cauldron read and prepped the station while Lily would get the ingredients and begin to prepare them. They would take turns adding ingredients and stirring, since both were so advanced in potions, they rarely had to consult the other. They would just work as a fluent perfect system. Then while their potions would boil or times when they had to wait, that is when they would talk, joke, create pranks, and laugh. Today just felt different. Lily brought back the ingredients but Severus started preparing some and Lily had to prep the station more than usual and even had to fix the heat on the cauldron. The two kept knocking each other's arms trying to do both tasks. As Lily beat Severus at putting the last ingredient needed Severus sat back turning away as Lily spoke up.
"So!" Lily said sharply starting the conversation. "How wasyourbreak Severus? I mean I wouldn't know, considering you shut me out during it. Which is funny because you know we are neighbors and all so you'd think that would be difficult to do." Lily said glaring at Snape.
"Can we not do this right now? I need to focus." He said with annoyance in his tone as he started cutting and pouring ingredients.
"You and I both know we can do this potion in our sleep. Besides it'll need 10 minutes to boil after you add that scurvy grass and 15 to simmer after adding the rat tail. So, we have time. Perhaps another excuse?"
"Lily. No we do not have the time. I'm not doing this right now. Let it go." Severus said a hint of finality in his tone. Lily was taken aback by his abruptness and hostility.
"No. I'm going to just 'let it go.' You are not the boss of me. We are doing this right now. You are, yet again, being sneaky. You cannot say it is to protect me because that will not bode well for you. If you want space then communicate that to me but don't just shut me out..."
"No. We are NOT. Listen to me or don't but I will not discuss it with you here. I do not need to communicate just because you cannot handle being ignored. And no it is not for your protection, but for mine." Snape shot thought back to her conversation with Petunia at the beginning of because it's not your way of doing things doesn't mean it's wrong...if he needed the space or time, maybe I shouldn't knew when to push or not push Severus and this was one of those times, she knew he was serious, and she should not push him. She didn't want to lose him or the chance of him talking to her and confiding in her.
"Alright, fine. Don't discuss it here. But if you are in danger, you know you can always talk to me, Sev." She said which made Severus stop what he was doing and just stare down. "But mark my words Severus Snape we ARE going to discuss it. I'm not letting you get off that easily. However, I will wait until you are ready. The things you're keeping from me keep piling up and I am nothing if not determined and persistent."
"How very Slytherin of you," Snape stated as the potion started to boil. Lily gave him a worried look and just watched as she let him work on the potion because she knew how much working on potions calmed him down.
The rest of the day was pretty quiet and uneventful. Care of Magical Creatures with Professor Kettleburn was just reading about thestrals, and in Herbology, Professor Sprout had discussed the practical side of this term would be working with Fanged Geranium, which of course made Alice super excited. Even Professor Binn's History of Magic was more boring than usual. The only noticeable class was Defense Against the Dark Arts where the professor had discussed that this term the class would be attempting to learn how to cast a patronus. Everyone was excited except the Slytherins who just rolled their eyes and groaned. History has proven that Slytherin has the lowest percentage of producing patronuses. Even dinner went by with no excitement or usual cheeriness. Lily really just was not feeling like herself. She was starving given she hadn't eaten much since being back, but she still was just picking at her food. She missed Severus and hated how often he was in getting himself into trouble. What made this time different was that he was serious about not telling her. That is what made Lily the most bad can it be that he can't even tell me?She thought. After dinner she excused herself from the table telling her friends she wanted to get a jump start on studying. Alice and Marlene looked at her sympathetically but told her they would see her later. On her way to the Library to distract her thoughts, Remus caught up with her and shouted to get her attention.
"Oi Lily!" He said which made Lily stop walking and turned to face Remus.
"Hey, Remus." She said quietly not feeling like herself.
"Where're you headed? Maybe I could tag along" Remus said with a shy smile.
"By all means come along. I'm just heading to the library, wanted to clear my head." Lily said as she continued walking still in her thoughts about Severus.
"Most people don't clear their heads with studying at the Library." He teased. "Are you alright? I didn't get to inquire how your break went. Since being back you don't seem quite like yourself."
Lily was surprised that Remus took notice to her feeling off. They weren't by any means bestfriends but the fact that he noticed means she was not hiding it as well as she thought. "Well, I'm not most people. And yes, I'm alright, just have a lot going on at the moment. My holiday was quite alright, I'm glad to be back though."
"Ah, yes you are very different, in a good way of course! I'm glad to be back too. Although you don't sound too happy to be back. I'm not one to push but are you sure you're alright?" Remus inquired gently trying not to overstep. Lily just looked away as they walked up the stairs towards the Library. Reaching the top and turning the corner Remus broke the silence. "You know, out of everyone, I get what it is like to have a lot weighing on you, and having so much on your mind you start feeling lost." This caused Lily to stop in the middle of corridor and look at him at students passed by. She just stared at him curious and intrigued. Looking in his eyes, Lily saw a bit of herself in Remus. He also did seem troubled and always having so much going on. Remus noticed she was staring intently and used it to continue. "Really, is there anything I can help with? I'm a wonderful listener." Remus rambled on.
"You seem to have been through a lot it seems..." she took a deep breath. "Well...it might be nice, I suppose, to get another opinion. Especially of someone who thinks like me." Lily smiled and continued walking. "Are you sure you are open and up to talking?" Lily asked.
"With you?Always." Remus said trying to sound friendly and not flirtatious as they turned the corridor where fewer students were and the hallways were not as lit up. Remus noticed Lily was taking the long way to the Library and he shyly smiled.
"Where to start," Lily said rubbing the back of her neck.
"Start where you feel you can." Remus encouraged.
"Okay...um well, do you ever get the feeling that as we grow up and become more competent wizards with more power, or even the more we go through, we lose ourselves? Or even change who we are completely? The older I get the more complicated things are and the more complicated everything becomes. I just don't feel like me anymore. And I don't think I'm the only one. You know what that's like? To not feel like you? To be so overwhelmed by life and change you don't even recognize yourself." Lily looked up at Remus.
"I know all too well what that can feel like" Remus replied and Lily just looked stunned. She thought she was going crazy, but here was Remus who said he understood exactly how she was feeling. He went on. "The way in which you handle situations or emotions is not like how you used to respond. Then comes dealing with something you haven't dealt with, and you are unsure how to respond. It's the true feeling of loneliness and feeling lost and you are unsure if you need to change or there's something else you're missing." Remus looked back at Lily.
"Yeah, exactly!" Lily exclaimed a bit too excitedly that someone actually understood what she felt. "That's the way I feel right now. Much has changed and I don't think I have changed with it, and I've been thinking maybe I need to or like you said if there is something I'm just missing."
"Maybe. But perhaps it's not so much changing who you are, as it is evolving the qualities you have. Along with merging the old qualities of who you are with those you are gaining to create the person you choose to be."
"Perhaps. But isn't that scary? Growing up, changing, dealing with what we just deal with...doesn't that scare you?" Lily replied.
"You know I have never thought that much into it. I suppose I just take life as it comes and deal with it the best I can". He said as they turned the corridor to the Library and more students started to appear and the hallway was much brighter. They started to walk slower wanting to finish the conversation.
"Hmm," Lily replied. After some silence and Remus unsure what to say Lily went on, "Can I ask you something else?"
"Of course," Remus said unsteadily.
"Not really relevant to me, but amuse me. Why do you hang out with James and them? You are so kind and seem much more mature. I see growth in you each time I talk to you. They seem…well less kind and...less mature." Lily slightly smiled.
"Well, I have had to grow up quickly in a short amount of time. I have had to overcome obstacles they have not had to. They get to be and act their age because they can. Whereas, I don't get that same luxury. Truthfully, Sirius just uses his humor to escape from his reality. I will spare you the details of what he has had to endure. And James, well James has had a decent life where he gets to be the teenager he is and enjoy the time he is in. Peter just sort of follows along because he wants friends desperately but he also has his good moments. They really are not that bad when you get to know them; good guys who get lost sometimes. We all get lost sometimes I suppose, like you were saying earlier." Remus found himself rambling because it was so easy to talk to Lily and just spill all the thoughts and feelings he had. She had a way of making everyone feel seen, even if they can't see who they are.
"Yeah, I know the feeling fairly well." Lily looked away thinking about Severus.
"Besides they've been there for me during some dark times in my life. I would not be here without them. I suppose it's the same for you and Snape." Remus stated as Lily stopped walking. Remus stopped walking too but continued talking "I mean you have been there with each other through the dark times. Good guys who get lost sometimes. Right?" Lily looked forward and nodded while starting to walk again.
"I'm not so sure anymore," Lily mumbled. "But that does make sense. Just make sure they don't change you, you don't need to be like them, you're pretty great as you are."
Remus smiled. "I'll keep that in mind." Upon getting to the Library, Remus stopped with Lily at the door.
"Well, I believe we are at our destination."
"Wait, aren't you coming?" Lily asked.
"Oh, no I was actually on my way to meet with the Headmaster and McGonagall for some prefect stuff. You just looked like you could use the company."
"My days, Remus! Why would you do that? The headmasters office is completely the other way!"
"Nobody should go through or suffer anything alone. Besides it's alright, you got to talk through see things and I got to help you and spend time with you." Lily just looked at him. "Um...because you seemed lonely and uh...I uh...I just wanted to make sure you were okay like I would any other student! You know prefect duties..." He tried to cover up.
"I see...well I'm sorry I didn't know. But thank you for talking with me. It did help. I will see you at the prefect meeting later," Lily said looking away into the Library and scanning the room.
"Please don't apologize. Yes, I will see you then, thank YOU for the talk." And with that Remus left as Lily entered the Library.
Lily saw Severus sitting at their usual table studying a potions book and approached the table and cleared her throat having Snape look at her. "May I sit with you?" Lily asked calmly. In lieu of a response Snape just gestured across from him turning his head into his book again. Lily pulled out a random book from her bag and started reading a random chapter and after a few minutes, she spoke up. "How did the rest of classes go for you?" Lily asked.
"Fine," Snape said shortly not looking up from his book.
Lily sighed and just started reading her book again. She now realized she was reading her "Care of Magical Creatures" book. She would occasionally look up at Snape who clearly was not in a talking mood. After a few more minutes of silence and reading, it was Snape who spoke up.
"How was your walk here? Enjoy the conversation? I noticed you had a walking buddy with you. Have a nice conversation. I didn't know prefects needed to be escorted by other prefects," he said snarky.
Lily could not believe the audacity of Severus. "Piss off. You don't talk to me for a month and a half and the first conversation you want to have is about this? I would have loved to walk with you but oh right you weren't speaking to me." Lily stated angrily.
"I...I'm sorry, that was out of turn." Severus dropped his head.
"Yes, it was. Don't get snippy with me. You are the one who doesn't want to talk to me, so don't fo guilt tripping me, Severus."
"I couldn't walk with you...or even talk to you...because I cannot answer your questions yet, which I know you have a million of. And I do not like the feeling of turning you away all the time."
"So then don't turn me away. Sev, I wouldn't have so many questions if you would just communicate what is going on. I'm worried about you." Lily reached out and grabbed Severus' arm and with that motion, Severus started to relax but then looked up and quickly pulled his arm away. Lily stood up in anger and leaned towards Severus. "Let me just clarify something. You will talk to Narcissa Black and all other Slytherins, but you can't talk to me? You're so-called 'best friend'? The one who has been there for you through the definition of thick and thin?" Lily said trying not to yell.
"This was a mistake to come here. You don't know what you are talking about." Severus packed up his things and, in a rush, left the Library.
"Severus, come back here!" Lily shouted as Severus ran out the library doors as she got shushed by the others around sat down frustrated and brushed her hands through her face and hair. "Ugh!" Lily quietly exclaimed as she put her head in your hands and rested her elbows on the table.I don't understand! What is going on? Why can't he answer my questions? Why is he not talking to me? What happened over break that was so bad he couldn't discuss it with me?She thought.