A/N: No, this fic isn't dead. I've just had some major writer's block, plus a new job and a home improvement project taking up my time and energy. I have a full outline and a lot of material for future chapters written, though, so there will definitely be more updates!

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

Chapter 34

Remday, Gnome-Decan 52, ND2019 – 6:30am local time (Yulia City)

As the Albiore II approached Yulia City, Tear glanced around the flight deck. Guy was seated across the aisle from Noelle, with Florian directly behind him and Anise across from Florian. At the moment, Florian had Luke's diary on his lap and was reading avidly. Meanwhile, Natalia stood at the back of the flight deck, examining the map on the wall. Jade, however, was absent.

He's probably down in the crew quarters, Tear thought. Ever since we left Keterburg, he's been more distant than ever, and unusually quiet. There's something on his mind. Carefully, she descended the stairs from the flight deck and made her way to the galley.

Jade was sitting at the table, staring into his empty camp mug with an uncharacteristically glum expression. As Tear entered, he glanced up at her briefly, and his usual serene smile reappeared...but he didn't greet her or say anything at all, instead returning his gaze to the metal mug in his hands.

Tear sat down across from him and folded her arms on the tabletop. "Colonel," she began, "we're about to arrive in Yulia City."

"Ah," said Jade, looking up from his mug and into Tear's face. "Thank you, Tear."

"Are you all right, Colonel?" Tear asked quietly.

"Yes," was Jade's only answer. After a moment of silence, he added, "Did you need something?"

"No..." Tear replied. "But I've been worried about you."

"Oh?" Jade tilted his head slightly to the side, still smiling. "Why?"

"Well... you seem like something is bothering you. Is it the situation in Keterburg?"

Jade chuckled slightly. It sounded rather forced. "Heh heh... no, it's just old age catching up with me. Pay it no mind, Tear."

"You have dark circles under your eyes," Tear noticed. "You haven't been sleeping well, have you?"

"Those are the shadows from my glasses."

"Colonel, please don't lie to me. Shadows aren't normally the color of a bruise."

Jade sighed. "My, my. First it was Guy and Anise fussing over me, and now you too. I suppose Natalia will be next, since Florian is so absorbed in reading Luke's diary. Whyever did you give that to him, Tear? I'm sure Luke would be quite embarrassed."

Tear blushed slightly, but she didn't fall for Jade's diversion. "Nice try, Colonel. You always change the subject when there's something you don't want to talk about. The danger to Keterburg is weighing heavily on you, isn't it? You don't have to hide it from us."

Jade responded with another forced-sounding laugh. "Hah hah hah. Are you offering me a shoulder to cry on, Tear?"

Tear drew a sharp breath, about to say no, but she paused as a thought occurred to her. "What would you do if I said yes?" she asked, out of curiosity.

Jade's lips twitched upward at her question. A more Jade-like smirk spread across his face as he caroled, "Why, I'd tease you mercilessly, of course!" The smirk faded, and his false smile returned. "There's no need to worry about me, Tear. I'm perfectly fine."

"If you say so..." Tear replied dubiously. Why does he always hide things from us? she wondered. He never tells us what he's really thinking, or how he really feels. It's as though he still doesn't trust us, even after everything we've been through together.

Her musings were interrupted by a knock on the door frame. Glancing over her shoulder, Tear saw Guy standing in the doorway, resting one hand on the frame and the other on his hip next to his sword.

"Hey, you two. We've arrived," Guy announced, with a wary look at Jade. "Are you coming into the city with us, or staying aboard the Albiore with Florian?"

Tear frowned. "Florian is staying? Why?"

"He says he wants to keep reading, but he's actually avoiding Anise's parents," Guy explained. "Anise wants to bring him along so he can apologize to them for running off, but she got into an argument with him. Florian ended the argument by going back to reading and ignoring Anise until she gave up. She's in a bad mood now, I should warn you."

Tear nodded understanding. "He's afraid of being left behind in Yulia City, where Anise thinks he'll be safe. That was part of the argument they had in Daath."

"Huh... I didn't know that," said Guy. "I'm not surprised, though. Anise frets about him so much."

"I suspect her concerns about Florian are the result of her trauma from Ion's death," Jade remarked, sounding more like his usual self. "From what I've observed, however, Florian is much less frail than Ion – and if Florian can be stabilized using the First through Sixth Fonons, as Undine implied, then he'll be at much less risk of fonon separation. I wonder..." he trailed off.

"What is it, Colonel?" Tear inquired.

"Oh, nothing," Jade replied, standing up from the table and placing his mug in the sink. "Well, then, shall we be going?"

The conference in Yulia City didn't take long. Teodoro had found very little information in the archives, but he had also searched Van's room at Tear's house, where he had discovered a small stash of books hidden in a locked box under Van's bed.

"I've bookmarked all the pages I found that mention the passage rings," Teodoro said, as he held out the box to Jade. "The book on top has one full chapter detailing their construction and function. It may be the only useful reference in the entire collection. Nevertheless, I will permit you to borrow everything in that box. I ask only that you return it when you are finished."

"Thank you for your assistance," Jade replied. He accepted the box from Teodoro and immediately handed it off to Guy. Guy gave Jade a resentful look, but he didn't argue or protest.

Tear suppressed a smile of amusement as she followed Jade, Anise – who had skipped the conference to visit her parents – and Natalia back to the Albiore, with Guy lagging behind carrying the heavy box. The way the Colonel always pushed the hardest work off onto Guy was like a running joke.

Except... Tear's urge to smile faded as it slowly dawned on her that Guy might not see it as a joke. Guy had been Luke's servant for years, but he was Count Gardios now, subservient only to Emperor Peony – who had given Guy a servant's job, caring for rappigs. Everyone treated Guy as a servant, and Tear realized that she was no better. She simply took it for granted that Guy always carried the item bag, always explained things, always lent a helping hand wherever it was needed. Guy was the one who had carried Florian back to the Albiore in Tataroo Valley, the one who had helped Anise up when she had fallen on the stairs in Daath, the one who was always asking, Is everyone okay?

"Something wrong, Tear?" Guy asked, as he caught up with her.

"Oh!" Tear jumped slightly. She had fallen behind without noticing that her steps had slowed.

"Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," Guy apologized.

"It's fine," Tear said automatically. Then she remembered her admonishment to the Colonel, earlier: please don't lie to me. "I was thinking..." she began, then trailed off, unsure of how to politely tell Guy that she had been thinking about how much of a doormat he was.

"About Luke?" Guy asked, giving her a smile of mixed nostalgia and would-be reassurance. At her headshake, his smile disappeared, and he asked quietly, "About Van?"

"No... I was thinking about you," Tear replied.

"Me?! Why me?" Guy asked, sounding perplexed. He paused briefly to shift his grip on the box.

"Well..." Tear began, before an idea struck her. "Would you like me to carry that?" she asked.

"Nah, I've got it," Guy replied cheerfully. "We're almost to the Albiore. It's fine."

"It's not fine," Tear contradicted him. "You shouldn't be the one doing all the work. You aren't a servant anymore. We need to stop treating you like one."

"It's okay," Guy said, with a somewhat breathless chuckle. "Don't worry, I'm used to it."

"Yes. That's exactly the problem."

"Huh?" said Guy. "Oh." He looked down at the box in his arms. A sheepish look crossed his face briefly. Looking up at Tear again, he sighed. "Yeah, you're probably right," he admitted. "Old habits die hard, I guess. But I like helping people. It doesn't bother me."

"Letting people walk all over you isn't the same as helping them," Tear pointed out. "In fact, it's the opposite of help, because it's enabling. Like an older sibling doing a younger sibling's homework."

"Enabling, huh..." Guy mused. He was silent for a moment, then said, "Well, you can carry this thing if you really want to, but I'd rather carry it myself. I don't want to accidentally drop it on your foot while giving it to you."

Tear sighed. "Fair enough. But you still need to have more respect for yourself."

"I'll work on it," Guy replied, smiling again. "Thanks, Tear."

"That's not something to thank me for."

Guy grinned. "Sure, it is. Thanks for caring, Tear. I'm glad someone does."

Once everyone was aboard the Albiore again, Jade ordered Guy to take the box full of books and papers into the galley and set it on the table there. Tear breathed a sigh of relief as she watched Guy roll his shoulders and shake out his arms afterward. She followed Guy up the stairs to the flight deck, where Natalia and Anise were already seated. Anise was in the same seat behind Noelle, but Natalia had taken over Florian's seat across from Anise.

Florian was standing just aft of the stairwell, shifting from foot to foot and looking troubled. His green eyes were downcast, and he was frowning. He had Luke's diary in his left hand; his right hand was curled in a loose fist.

As Guy made his way forward to sit across from Noelle again, Tear approached Florian. She was about to ask him what was the matter, but Florian spoke first. "Tear, can I talk to you about something?"

"What's wrong, Florian?" Tear inquired.

Florian shook his head. "Not here. Can we talk in private, maybe in the crew cabin?"

"Yes, all right," Tear agreed, with a feeling of foreboding. She followed Florian down the stairs and into the crew quarters. For once, Florian walked slowly instead of scampering energetically the way he usually did.

Passing through the galley, Tear noticed Jade glance up from the book he was reading. Three other books, a scattering of ancient papers, and Jade's notes were laid out on the table. The open box on the padded bench next to him held more books and papers. Florian walked right past all of it without expressing the slightest bit of curiosity – which was just as well, since Tear knew that Jade disliked being pestered while he was working on a difficult problem. Even so, Florian's lack of interest in Jade's work was another sign that something was troubling the boy.

In the cabin, Florian sat down on one end of his bunk and pulled his pillow aside to make space for Tear to sit beside him. Tear wished briefly that the cabin had a door between it and the galley – partly to avoid disturbing Jade, but mostly for the privacy Florian wanted. Well, there was no help for it. Jade, she reflected ruefully, would probably want to listen in anyway.

Carefully, she sat down next to Florian and asked, "What did you want to talk to me about, Florian?"

Florian drew a deep breath. "I've read Luke's diary three times, now," he began, handing the small book to Tear, "and I'm totally confused. What kind of person was Luke, really?"

"What kind of person?" Tear echoed. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's just that... at the beginning of the diary, he sounds like a complete jerk. But then after the part where he wrote about destroying Akzeriuth, he sounds so different. How can someone change their mind so much, so fast?"

Tear felt her shoulders tense at the reminder of Akzeriuth's destruction. Deliberately, she breathed deeply and forced herself to relax. She thought back to all that had transpired the day Akzeriuth fell. How Luke had blindly followed Van, despite her warnings that Van was not to be trusted, and how he had insisted It's not my fault! It's not my fault! His despairing voice resounded in her memory.

"Akzeriuth... was a very frightening experience for him," she replied slowly. "Luke trusted my bro—Van, and had admired Van all his life, up until then. To be betrayed by someone who was so important to him... to have been used, tricked into killing ten thousand people..." she paused, blinking back tears at the memories, "it broke something inside him. He hated killing people, even enemies."

"But he killed ten thousand replicas at the Tower of Rem!" Florian protested. "It didn't matter to him then!"

"That was... much later," Tear said weakly. "And it wasn't easy for him," she added.

Florian scowled. "That's not what it sounds like in the diary. He wrote about how he didn't want Asch to die, and he didn't want to die, but he didn't write anything about not wanting the other replicas to die."

"Well... that's true," Tear admitted. "But..."

"He wrote that replicas had no place in this world, and he called himself defective," Florian went on. "Did he really believe that?"

"Yes... and no," Tear replied. "He believed it for some time, but... in the end, he realized that he was not the same person as Asch – that he was a unique individual."

"Oh... yes, he wrote about that, after he won the fight against Asch at Eldrant," Florian conceded. Then he paused, frowning thoughtfully. "That's weird. He wrote about Ion being a replica, and Sync too, but he didn't call either of them defective."

Tear nodded. "After he decided to change, he judged himself more harshly than he judged anyone else."

"Why?" Florian asked. "Was it because he found out he was a replica?"

"No," said Tear. "It was because..." she trailed off, realizing that she actually didn't know why Luke had been so hard on himself after Akzeriuth. "Well..." she stalled.

"Because why?" Florian pressed.

"I wish I knew," Tear replied, sighing heavily. Her shoulders slumped, and she looked away from Florian, unable to meet his questioning stare. She felt ashamed of herself for losing control and blurting out something that she hadn't meant to say aloud. And yet... Why, Luke? she wondered. Her gaze drifted toward Luke's empty bunk. Why?

She hadn't really talked about Luke since Eldrant. Sometimes she had mentioned him, whenever something reminded her of him, but she hadn't discussed him, not like this. He had been in her thoughts every day and in her dreams every night. She wanted to believe that he would return, but her sense of logic told her that he was gone forever. His fonons had been separating, and he had written in the diary that he was going to disappear. And he had still promised to come home, even though he had known that it was a promise he could never keep. A hollow ache filled her chest, followed by a sharp stab of anger. Luke! she screamed internally. Why did you lie to me?! Why did you promise you'd come home, when you knew you would die?

"Tear?" Florian's voice snapped Tear out of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Florian," Tear replied, choking slightly on the lump in her throat. "I... I can't talk about Luke. I just... I can't. Not yet."

"Does it hurt?" Florian asked, more in a tone of curiosity than concern.

Tear squeezed her eyes shut to prevent any tears from escaping. "Yes," she whispered.

"Oh," said Florian, rather blankly.

Florian, Tear realized belatedly, hadn't lost anyone yet. Everyone else had lost someone dear to them, even before parting with Luke: she had lost Van, Anise had lost Ion, Natalia had lost both Asch and the biological father she had never known, Guy had lost his whole family, and Jade had lost Professor Nebilim. Noelle, too, had lost her grandparents, Iemon and Tamara, along with many friends and probably other family members in the Sheridan massacre. Florian, on the other hand, hadn't lost Anise, Pamela, Oliver, or... On second thought, who is Florian close to in the first place? Tear asked herself.

Thinking logically about Florian and his short life, and how much he still didn't know, would be a good distraction from her memories of Luke. How could she put the loss of a loved one into a context that Florian could understand? How would you feel if Anise died? probably wasn't a helpful question to ask. Florian would have to rely entirely on his imagination to answer such a question – but Florian was smart, and his enthusiasm for reading must have helped him develop at least some degree of imaginative capability. The pain and sadness of loss wasn't something she could explain logically, because it wasn't a matter of logic. It was entirely emotional. Was Florian up to the challenge of imagining what it would be like to lose Anise? His emotional bond with Anise was strong – their argument in Daath, and Florian's resulting choices, were more than enough proof. So perhaps it wasn't too much of a stretch...

"Florian," Tear said hesitantly, "you may not understand the pain of losing anyone, yet. But imagine, just for a moment, how you would feel if Anise died."

Florian's eyes widened, and he gave a sharp little gasp of shock. He recoiled slightly, flinching away from Tear. After a tense moment of silence, he said, "I'd be really sad."

"Even more sad than you felt when you talked with me in Daath, after you had that big fight with her?" Tear asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Florian replied, nodding. "Especially since Anise and I haven't really made up since then." He stared down at his lap, and ran his fingers along the edge of his dark gray tabard. "She still sees Ion instead of me, though. Even though I don't look like Ion anymore, she still worries about me so much. I told her that I'm not here just to be her second chance, but..." he sighed, shoulders slumping, and left his sentence unfinished.

"You think she sees you as her chance to make up for losing Ion?" Tear asked, blinking in surprise.

"Well, she does, doesn't she?" Florian snapped. "I mean, she betrayed Ion. I know she feels terrible about that. But I didn't have anything to do with it! If I didn't look just like Ion, or if Ion was still alive, she wouldn't care about me at all!"

Tear wasn't sure how to respond to Florian's angry outburst, so she remained silent.

"She chose her parents over Ion," Florian continued, "even though Pamela and Oliver are pretty useless. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, but Anise is always the one protecting them! It's so wrong!"

Tear bit her lip to keep from smiling. She felt absurdly pleased by Florian's insightfulness. Although, on second thought, it was a little disturbing to learn that Florian knew about Anise protecting her parents instead of vice versa. "Is that why you said you were safest when you were with Anise?" Tear asked. "Safer stowing away on the Albiore, instead of staying in Yulia City with Pamela and Oliver?"

"Yes," Florian replied, without hesitation.

"I see," Tear murmured.

"I just don't understand," Florian said plaintively. "If Ion meant so much to Anise, why did she choose her useless parents over him?!"