It was dark, Henry knew that much. He also knew Alex was sleeping right next to him. Snoring no matter how many times he denied it.
It was a bad day already he knew that too. It was only five a.m., yet the thoughts crept into his mind like a pipe bursting and filling up an entire house.
The thoughts of self-doubt. The thought that he's not good enough to consider himself a part of the royal family. The thoughts that he was a disappointment to everyone who knew him The thoughts that Alex was going to up and leave him as soon as he realizes how damaged he really is.
Deep down he knows those thoughts were outrageous and untrue yet his mind still brought them up. He hadn't had a bad day like this in almost a year- since the leak of the emails.
He couldn't help the thoughts. They were like poison being fed to him disguised as a pie. He didn't know what to do. He could wake Alex and talk to him about this. But he obviously wasn't going to do that.
He could try his best to be okay and not do anything about the horrendous punch-in-the-gut feeling he was experiencing.
Or he could turn back to an old habit he promised himself he would never do again after he met Alex.
Henry and Alex have probably one of the healthiest sex lives you could have, So that would be a risky option. He would have to come up with excuses. Lie to Alex.
Was it worth it?
Henry thought. He contemplated the options. Weighed the pros and cons. Could he handle this? Could he really lie to Alex?
Do it.
The voice inside his head said. Nudging toward the inevitable he was avoiding.
He knew he was going to have to do it. There was no way in hell he was strong enough to handle this day without it. And he sure as hell wasn't waking Alex for something as stupid as this.
He sat there for 15 minutes till the clock read 5:25 before his head had finally convinced him.
But he asked himself one more time.
Is it worth it?
Yes.
Yes, it is.
So he gently grabbed Alex's arm that was draped across his own stomach and laid it down on the empty sheets.
He quickly made his way to the bathroom trying to be as quiet as a mouse.
Once he got there he turned on the nightlight they kept in there to not wake Alex as he closed the door
He looked at himself in the mirror as he thought to himself.
If you do this Alex can't know. Ever. even if that means leaving him. You have to protect him from this.
He reached down to below to counter to the cabinet. He opened it and got a spare razor blade.
Do it.
The voice said once again.
He thought he was going to be sick. His entire body filled with utter disgust toward himself. He truly was a disgrace to his entire family. He had no idea why Alex was even with him.
And with that, he lifted his Pajama shorts up and slid the blade across his thigh. The familiar sting overflowed his body with release. Finally able to feel something besides the horrible, vile feeling.
He had a routine when it came to this. Six cuts on each leg. Three deep and three not as deep but still enough to draw blood.
It hurt like hell he wasn't going to lie but it was better than what he had been feeling. He liked to get the deep cuts over with. They were the most fun and the most painful.
He again took the blade and made three more deep cuts on his right leg. Throwing his head back in both pain and pleasure. His thighs screaming at him to stop his mind screaming at him to keep going. He tried his best not to let out a groan when the third cut went deeper than he intended and blood began dripping down his thigh.
He was taking to long. Alex's alarm was going to go off at 5:45. He had no doubt already spent 10 minutes in the bathroom. He needed to hurry up.
He finished up the deep cuts on both legs and moved on to the lighter one. As weird as it sounds they gave him a sense of grounding. Like he wasn't upset enough to do twelve super-deep cuts. He still had some sort of control. He did that once when he was 19 after his father died. He almost passed out at the funeral from blood loss.
No doubt if he did that gran would say he was an embarrassment to the family. Which she wouldn't be wrong.
He decided against bandaging them up. He knew it was risky and they could get infected but he just didn't have to energy to do anything right now.
He could barely stand up from exhaustion. He just wanted to sleep all damn day. Not do anything and just disappear into the covers alone.
He knew he couldn't do that. If he called Pez and told him he was staying home he would call Alex to check in on him. And Alex sure as hell doesn't need to deal with Henry being a broken mess right now.
Henry turned the nightlight off and quietly made his way back to the bed and climbed in next to Alex but facing the other way.
He needed to get to work. He didn't know how long he could be with Alex without breaking down. Deep down he wanted to tell Alex more than anything because he knew he would be the most caring person ever but law school finals are coming up and he didn't need to deal with this right now.
He decided he had enough. He finally kicked the covers back off him and slowly and quietly made his way downstairs and to the kitchen despite his head spinning and exahustion wanting to pull him back to bed.
He didn't do anything. He just sat down at the counter and just stared at the wall.
David followed him down and laid at his feet underneath the barstool.
His dog always stayed with him during bad days. When he was at his worst David could sense it and never left his sde,
He faintly heard Alex's alarm back in their bedroom and Henry knew it was only a matter of time before he had to put on his best act in order the hide the fact that he was a basket case.
Alex had a routine. He goes downstairs and makes a pot of coffee and takes two cups upstairs with him and drinks them over the course of his routine.
Then he normally kidnaps Henry and David and they all watch an episode of bakeoff and cuddle on the couch before both Him and Henry leave for work.
Henry doesn't know how the hell he's supposed to go through all that without Alex noticing somethings wrong.
He's done it before of course. When he was growing up and he had no other choice. But when Alex came into his life and actually showed him love and care he's never experienced before it became a little bit easier for him to be vulnerable.
Still on days like this he felt the need to put on an act and pretend ever thing is fine. Because he felt like a burden if people knew he was in this state.
Just before his thoughts could continue Alex can grumbling into the kitchen mumbling a slurred "Morning" before immediately making his way over to the coffee pot
"Morning darling." Henry replied trying to sound as normal as possible. "Sleep well?"
Alex walked over to the back of the chair Henry was in and wrapped his arms around him "Mhm"
He hummed clearly not awake yet. "Why're you up so early."
"Couldn't sleep." Henry said. That sounded believable. Alex murmured something else before going to the cupboard and getting out two mugs. He poured two cups of coffee- stopped to kiss Henry on the forehead and then made his way upstairs.
Henry sighed and rested his head against the cold hard counter. He felt so bad mentally. Everything was grey. He had no idea what triggered this episode but he knew it wouldn't go away easily.
He had a plan. Pretend to be fine till Alex left then once he did he would take a steaming hot shower for so long that the water would eventually become cold. He would then force some sort of food down his throat then blast Taylor Swift on his way to work.
Apparently he had got lost in his thoughts because after what he thought was a second Alex came back down the stairs.
"Hen?" He said confused to why his boyfriend was staring at the wall. "You okay?"
Henry snapped out of his trance. "Hey yeah sorry just zoned out. What do you have going on today?" He said trying to distract his boyfriend by rambling about work.
Alex beamed at that question "Me and a couple classmates are getting together and working on a project and then I have some studying to do so I probably wont be home till late." He said pouring himself another cup of coffee.
Henry's face dimed a bit when he learned his boyfriend wouldn't be home until later in the night.
"I really do fear the day when I get a call from the hospital saying that you have had a caffine overdose." Henry chucked trying to disguise his sadness with humor.
Alex rolled his eyes and flipped him off but also laughing.
Alex went about doing his normal routine and Henry went back to staring at the wall, being consmed by his own thoughts again. His mind was cruel and relentless. It would go to any length to convince him that we was unworthy of anything and everything.
You should run. He doesn't love you. You'll only postponing the inevitable.
His brain tells him. All clearly lies of course but Henry can't help but somewhat believe they are true.
You're really going to keep this from him? Your a liar and fucking pathetic.
But yet the other side tells him
you can't tell him. Your a burden enough he doesn't need this on top of that.
And then before he knows it his brain is screaming at him. Tell him. Don't tell him. Tell him. Don't tell him.
Until finally he had enough. He couldn't hold it anylonger. He felt like he was drowning. Nothing felt real. He needed to tell him. He coudn't do it.
"Alex…." He whispered softly before he could stop himself.
Alex looked up from his phone. "Yes"? He answered in a sing-song voice giving him boyfriend a smile.
But when he say Henry's face his stomach churned. His face was pale and his eyes looked lost. He looked miserable. Then he realized Henry had been sitting in the same spot since he got up. SOmething was going on.
Henry panicked when he saw his boyfriends demenor changed. He looked worried. Which is the thing Henry was trying to avoid.
Abort abort abort.
"Uhm nothing never mind. Incomplete thought" He said again trying to sound believable but he could tell Alex saw right through him.
"Your a horrible liar, H" Alex said as he walked over to Henry and rested his elbows on the cool countertop. "Whats going on? You haven't moved since you got up."
Henry's stomach dropped. He could lie. Tell him he was just stressed out with work at the shelter. But Alex did just tell hm he's a god aful liar. And he isn't with other people. If he needed to he could lie to his grandmother or Philip or even Bea if he needed to pretend to be okay or cover something up.
But with Alex- He just does something to him. It's like he's placed under a spell and whenever alex looks at him with those big brown eyes and asked him those three simple words. "Are you okay." Henry just couldn't help but tell the truth.
He knows it sounds fucking stupid and he hates the fact that he can't lie to Alex about his well being sometimes. Ever time he has a bad day and Alex lays next to him for hours holding him and doing absolutely nothing. (which truly must be nearly impossible because of his ADHD) He just feels like such a burden and he hates it. He hates his himself, he hates his brain and he hates his family for nailing that idea into him.
He decides to give the acting one last try "I'm fine really I swear I'm just a little extra tired today." If there is any God above please let that satisfy Alex.
But he was clearly unimpressed with that. Henry wasn't surprised. He was never really one for theatre.
"Baby" Alex whispered pushing Henry's hair out of his face and behind his hair.
Well fuck. He was screwed.
"Talk to me," Alex said as he went around Henry and sat on the other barstool placing his hands in his lap indicating Henry had his full attention.
Henry didn't know what the fuck to do. His chest was tight and his entire body felt heavy. He looked up at the ceiling trying not to cry he just wanted to lay on the floor and exist no more. He didn't really mean that but in the moment he wished for it.
Henry's eyes met those gorgeous big brown eyes and Alex's met the crystal breathtaking blue eyes. And at that moment when Henry looked into the love of his life eyes filled with love and worry he just lost it.
The tears start falling out of his eyes without consent and small sobs start quietly escaping his mouth and he just collapses into Alex whispering. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
Alex is taken aback by this sudden movement but holds Henry as he cries. "For what baby? What happened." He whispers stroking his hair.
Henry felt like a boulder had been lifted off his shoulders as he was in Alex's arms but soon replaced with a bigger one on his chest as his breaths were becoming much more uneven and quick.
Alex lifted Henry's head up to face him. "Hen baby breathe. It's okay it's all going to be okay but I need you to breathe okay? I'm right here I'm not going anywhere. Breathe love." He said softly caressing his face in an attempt to ground him.
They both breathe together Alex whispering tiny words of affirmation and Henry not looking him in the eye. Then eventually without warning of saying anything Henry gets up.
He turns back around facing Alex debating whether or not to do this when he grasps his shorts and rolls them up revealing the cuts.
Alex gasps. Henry regrets his action. There's a moment of silence and during that time Henry thinks Alex is debating on running or thinks it's disgusting or thinks he's weak or-
"Henry-" Alex whispers and he looks utterly heartbroken. He was shocked that Henry would do this do himself or he felt the need to.
"Before you say anything else comforting like I know you will let me explain," Henry says and Alex just nods. He didn't think he could form words right now.
Henry had rolled his shorts back down and so Alex was staring at the floor.
"It started when I was 16." Henry began "Me and Gran had just got into a fight saying the lifestyle I wanted was unrealistic and inconvenient for the country. And she said some really nasty things and slapped me pretty hard- and anyway I- couldn't handle the feelings so I took a spare razorblade I had and- cut."
Alex was looking at him now tears on his face. His brows furrowed in complete heartbreak.
"It became a routine that I did when things got too much" He continued "Bea eventually caught me and forced me to stop. She was the only person who knew."
Henry was fidgeting with his hands and picking at his skin. Alex was the next to speak even though he knew Henry wasn't done.
"Here let's um go to the couch that might be more comfortable." Alex was panicking he didn't know what to do. He wanted to give any sense of comfort he could offer while Henry was opening up some of the most gruesome details of his life.
Henry let Alex lead him to the couch and they both sat down, David jumping up in between them- even though there was no room so he was on top of both of their legs and he laid his head on Henry's leg which made him smile.
Alex took his boyfriend's hands, a nonverbal way of telling him to go on. Henry hesitated before going on.
"I did stop- I found other better ways to cope like writing or running for a long time to blow off steam. I didn't do it again till I was nineteen." He breathed " After my father died."
Alex squeezed Henry;s hands in his. Henry doesn't mention his Father much. Alex wants to ask about him and now more about it he just doesn't know how to bring up the topic. He knows his fathers death was extremly hard for him.
Henry cleared his throat and Alex wiped a stray tear off of him boyfriends cheek.
"I kept doing it for a while after that but I stopped after about a year because I felt weak for not being able to handle my problems on my own…" Henry said "life was rough for a while… I had bad days pretty frequently but never cut for like 3 years."
"Then- The… Lake house happened." Henry whispered and Alex's stomach sank again at the memory.
"After I left and got back to kensington it happened again. Then again after the email leaks. But I havent done it since I swear- I don't know what happened today."
Henry took his hands out of Alex's and moved away from him and whispered "I'm so sorry I dragged you into this. This is the last thing you needed."
Alex's eyes widened and shook his head as he moved off the couch to crouch down infront of Henry. "No. Don't you dare apolagize for something you don't need to. Henry listen to me. This is not your fault. You didn't drag me into this, I'm glad you told me so I can help you. I want to help you baby."
Henry shook his head and tears followed. Alex spoke again.
"I don't love you despite your bad days or what happened today. I don't love you despite of your past and all the shit you family put you through. I don't love you despite your scars and you trauma or any of your dark parts. I love you with all of that. Loving you with that isn't hard like you think it is. It's as simple as breathing It's not extra work on top of my classes and homework. It's not a burden to me. When my favourite person on this shitty earth is hurting, you better believe I'm dropping anything and everything I'm doing to help him however he needs me to. Because I love all of you not just your good parts."
Then the walls broke. One by one the four walls that were forced up surrounding Henry;s heart fell down. And he asked for what he wanted. No, what he needed.
"WIll you hold me?' He whispered looking at Alex's knees.
Alex smiled and got up next to Henry and wrapped his arms around him and Henry curled into him trying to make himself as small as possible. Alex but his head on his chest stroked his hair with one arm, the other being wrapped around Henry's body in attempt to protect Henry from the pain and heartache he's experiencing.
Henry was still crying soft sobs escaping his mouth.
"I have you baby" Alex whispered kissing the top of his hair.
"I love you" Henry whispered back as he buried his face in Alex's chest.
"I love you too"
After a while of comfortable silence and Alex stroking as Kissing Henry's head while holding him Alex knew he needed to do a couple of things before the day of rest and comfort that Henry needed could begin.
"Do you want to call pez and tell him your not coming or do you want me?" Alex said now moving his hand in circular motion on Henry's head.
Henry got out of Alex's arms and sat up. "No I'll go, I don't really feel like being alone today." He said rubbing his eyes.
Alex brows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?" He asked also sitting up."
"I mean you have school and I don't really wanna be alone in this big house on a day like today. It just makes me sadder."
Alex didn't know why he felt the need to laugh. He really didn't. This wasn't funny.
"What are you talking about? Do you seriously think i'm going to go to class today?" He tried to sound put together but a laugh escaped his lips and Henry frowned.
"I mean you have to you have finals coming up and-"
"And nothing. Your more important than some stupid test that I have already prepared for and will most likely overprepare for if i study all today. I'm gonna be here all day, by your sde taking care of you whatever you need. I would never you alone when your feeling like this Baby."
Henry would've protested more if he didn't feel the need to collapse and sleep for 8 years. So he simple just said.
"Ok."
Alex smiled. "Great. Why don't we get you to bed yeah?" He said In a quiet voice.
Henry nodded and grabbed Alex's arm and the two of them walked upstairs david trailing behind them.
They got to their bedroom and Alex unfolded the covers and he and Henry lay down Alex wrapping his arms back around Henry and Henry grabbing onto it like a lifeline.
David jumped up and nuzzled right inbetween them
"Try and sleep baby. I'll be right here when you get up" He whispered stroking his hair.
Henry turned over and looked at Alex and kissed him on those beautiful lips. And he buried his head into his chest. "Thank you." He whispered.
Alex just kissed his head. "You deserve it"
And then both went to sleep.