The too much

by Ltwdbn05

This is NOT MINE using this as an audiobook template for my messed up mind (Cause ao3 doesn’t have an audiobook option) (

9. 9

Everything I Never Told You by sandylee007

Chapter 1: Bruises, Broken Bones and Shattered Hearts

Chapter Text

/ The club was loud and packed. So full that people were basically glued to each other on the dancefloor, which caused heat to increase. It was pure insanity of sweaty, inebriated and in many cases horny people. To many it would've been a nightmare. Magnus thrived in a little bit of harmless chaos.

(It was silence, loneliness and stillness that got to him.)

Suddenly Magnus felt someone watching him. He seemed to be on the radar of a couple of people, actually, but it was one in particular he was drawn to in return. Curious, Magnus turned his gaze to see a man sitting at a faraway table.

And what a pretty man the stranger was, took Magnus' breath away within seconds. The definition of tall, dark and handsome. Somehow the fact that the other clearly disliked the environment made him more captivating to Magnus. As did how the man looked away swiftly after realizing that he'd been caught staring. Like someone who'd been caught doing something forbidden.

Then a beautiful, giggling and possibly drunk brunette began to drag the pretty boy towards the dance floor. (A sister, Magnus mused, because the physical resemblance between the two couldn't be ignored and nothing about their interaction suggested that they were a couple. And fine, perhaps there was a hint of fool's hope involved in his reasoning.) The man rolled his eyes and seemed to protest but the woman wasn't hearing any of it.

How could someone appear so irresistibly adorable while trying to dance awkwardly? Unable to stop himself, Magnus began to approach. The stranger noticed and seemed startled for a moment but didn't run away. Like a deer caught in the headlights, the man stood absolutely still in the middle of the otherwise moving and pulsating dancefloor. Neither of them noticed how the young woman accompanying the stranger retreated with a knowing smirk.

Then they were right in front of each other and time seemed to stand still. Magnus couldn't remember the previous time his heart would've raced the way it did then. "Wanna get out of here?"

The pretty stranger nodded eagerly. Their hands lingered so close to each other that it made Magnus' skin tingle but didn't touch as they made their way to the alley outside the club. The music could still be heard there but the noise wasn't deafening anymore. Cool night-air embraced them as they stood and tried to breathe.

The other swallowed with visible difficulty. "I'm sorry I stared at you. I'm not... I don't usually..."

"I don't mind", Magnus reassured and kept his tone gentle instead of going for sultry. This one might not be ready to fly out of the closet and he understood. It could be terrifying. "I'm Magnus."

"Alec." The man fidgeted and scowled. "I'm... Sorry, I hate these places."

Magnus didn't think it was the right moment to reveal that he happened to own the place. "I could see that you wanted to do something while we were in there. And whatever it was... It's okay. And out here no one sees us."

Maybe Magnus was more drunk that he'd realized. There was a good chance that he was pushing, making a mistake. Closeted and half-closeted men like Alec... They could... shut down when feeling pressured. Or worse. Magnus had... unfortunate firsthand experience.

Alec seemed to surprise them both by taking a step closer. The man's hungry, conflicted eyes were glued on Magnus' lips. And then, as the music inside sped up along with their heartbeats, Alec began to lean closer.

A couple of seconds later, right before their lips would've touched, it was as though Alec had been electrocuted. The man jumped backwards and, faster than Magnus could ask what happened or reassure that everything was alright, began to hurry away. The escape was cut short as the door they used earlier was thrown open by someone and smacked Alec in the face, hard. Magnus watched in horror as the other fell with a loud groan.

"Alexander!"

At least Alec didn't sustain a broken nose but the man's face was badly bruised. Magnus ended up nursing it with a cold pack through the night. And figured that if he ever wanted... anything to happen with Alec things would have to go slowly.

That was alright – good things were worth waiting for. /

/

Most nights Magnus loved spending time at his club. Even after... how things ended with Alec soured the experiences due to memories of their first meeting. That night happened to be one of those when he just longed to go home. Magnus reached his limit when the same song during which his eyes found Alec's for the first time started playing.

Magnus had been through his share of breakups. But this one hurting so much even after three years... Magnus could barely take it, still felt it breaking him. So as gracefully as he could manage, he dashed out of the club, clearly disappointing the young woman he'd been dancing with. And he started the trek home that seemed overwhelmingly long despite it only taking five minutes.

For some strange reason Magnus had been thinking about Alec a lot lately. (If he was honest with himself, did he ever manage to stop thinking about the man?) He was certain that it'd stop soon. Or at least hoped so desperately.

What was the point in constantly thinking about someone who crushed him?

/ "Alexander, I swear I'd never..."

"Save it." /

/ "What happened to your grand speech of how you believe in me, huh? What happened to us being able to make it through anything together?" Magnus refused to care about how he sounded as though he was about to cry. What'd been left of his pride crumbled, allowing him to beg. "Stay with me, please."

"How am I supposed to stay with someone I can't trust?" /

/ "I thought you were different."

"I guess we both ended up disappointed, then." /

At least Magnus didn't get himself gloriously drunk, as he originally planned to. Years had taught him that alcohol tended to make him feel worse before he even hit the hangover stage. His head nonetheless hurt as he entered his apartment and greeted his two cats quietly.

Chairman was, as expected, very excited, meowed and spun around his legs. Church glared at him from a kitchen counter cats weren't supposed to have an access to. Magnus groaned and sniffled. "I'm not in the mood for arguing with one of my sons today, okay? Just get down from there, you know better."

Church yawned and made himself more comfortable, all the while continuing to glare at Magnus challengingly.

Magnus really wasn't in the mood. Not having enough energy for anything else, he began to drag himself towards the couch. Maybe a ridiculous romantic comedy would help.

Magnus was only a step away from his couch when the dial tone of his phone began. He frowned upon fishing the item from his pocket and wondered who was calling at... Oh, eleven pm.

He was at home, ready to cry himself to sleep over a romantic comedy, well before midnight on a Saturday – he really was pathetic.

Seconds later Magnus had no memory trace of the caller's name but two words made far too much sense to him. "... nurse ... hospital ..." The woman went on without giving him a chance to recover. "... Alexander Lightwood was admitted here two hours ago ... listed as his emergency contact ..."

Magnus' head spun so badly that a few seconds later he had to sit down and he almost dropped his phone. His stomach rolled and he barely managed to catch his breath. Why was he still his ex-boyfriend's emergency contact? Alec left him with a broken heart, Alec... "What happened?" Shock helped him sound calmer than he felt.

The nurse sighed. "There's... been an accident. I'd rather give further information in person."

/

/ Magnus was confused to feel someone watching him as soon as he began to wake up. Curious, he cracked one eye open and felt his heart flutter at the sight of a naked Alec looking at him dreamily. "One could get used to waking up like this", Magnus murmured.

Alec smiled. (A precious, rare sight Magnus swore to never take for granted.) "I'm just trying to figure out how I got this lucky."

Too emotional for words, Magnus took Alec's hand and pressed a kiss on it. He practically started purring after the other pulled him closer as a response. "I'll have you know that you're not as lucky as I am."

"Really, we're turning this into a competition?" Alec huffed, audibly amused.

"Of course we are." /

/

Magnus couldn't remember how he got to the hospital. Or what made him choose to go there at all, considering his... colorful history with Alec. A kind-faced, pitying looking woman led him to the correct ward, where a nurse guided him to a quiet room for a talk.

Magnus loathed the tiny room. The second he entered it chills went down his spine. He found it hard to imagine that good news were ever shared in such a space. Not that the whole ICU ward would've been much better. (The hallway's air was thick from pain and sorrow. Two steps in and Magnus saw a man sitting on the floor, sobbing hysterically with his face buried to his hands. Right before the miniature room's door closed, he saw several members of the medical staff hurrying to one of the patient rooms with solemn expressions on their faces.)

Roughly half of what the nurse was telling him actually registered to Magnus through the buzzing in his ears. "... don't know the specifics of what happened ... several broken bones, a head injury and internal bleeding ... severe internal damage ... emergency surgery ... will need at least two more operations once his condition stabilizes ... medically induced coma ..."

Magnus' head spun even worse than before. It was a small miracle that he didn't throw up right there and then. "He's... He's going to be okay, right?" Their breakup was one of the three most agonizing experiences in his whole life – but imagining a world without Alec in it at all...

The nurse sighed. "Let's just take things one hour at a time with him." Her non-answer communicated a great deal more than blunt words would've.

Magnus gulped repeatedly, his eyes darting around wildly. What he saw flashed between Alec's smile and how the man looked while breaking his heart. "What happened? You said you don't know the specifics but..." A nauseating possibility popped into his head. "Did he... do something to himself?"

Once more the woman's face and eyes revealed more than her words. "Maybe we'll find out more later." She steered the conversation elsewhere before he could've interrogated further. "Alexander was brought here from the recovery a few minutes ago. Would you like to see him?" That the ward obviously had no visiting hour restrictions spoke chilling things of what kind of a condition its patients were in.

A part of Magnus wanted to run away. Alec wasn't supposed to be able to hurt him yet again. A petulant part of him hissed that he owed the man who broke him beyond repair nothing. Instead he nodded faintly and stood up although his legs barely supported his weight. "Alec", Magnus found himself mumbling as the march from hell towards his ex's room began. "He wants people to call him Alec." 'Alexander' was reserved for Magnus alone. Or maybe that was a lie.

"Okay, I'll let the rest of the staff know."

Magnus did his best to brace himself for whatever was coming. But nothing was enough to prepare him for facing the greatest love of his life. Lay in the hospital bed, connected to a terrifying amount of tubes and machinery, Alec appeared heartbreakingly small and frail. The man's left arm was in a cast and the mostly shaved head was wrapped up heavily. Despite the swelling from trauma and medication Magnus could see how much weight Alec had lost over the past few years.

The man he once thought he knew was barely recognizable.

The nurse squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, which made him shudder. "If either of you needs anything, just press the call button. And staff will visit Alec frequently. Take as long as you need."

Apparently Magnus was a masochist. Because instead of walking out he approached the bed and sat down to the chair he took from near the room's entrance. Despite everything he ached to grab Alec's hand but forced himself to not do it.

/ "I love you." /

/ "Magnus, this... Us... It's not working." /

Unable to look away from Alec, Magnus sniffled and rubbed his eyes roughly. At least he didn't wear makeup anymore. "Damned it, Alec... How can you still have this much power over me? Why do you have to have me as your emergency contact instead of Jace or Izzy? I can't..." Magnus closed his eyes and shook his head. "I... I barely survived what you did to me. I'm sorry, but... I can't do this."

Yet Magnus couldn't find the strength to get up and walk out. To leave Alec behind, suffering and possibly dying alone. And then someone entered the room. Glancing over his shoulder, Magnus expected to find a medical professional.

Instead he discovered Izzy, who had tears in her eyes. She recognized him after a delay and stared at him in a shock. (Magnus understood, these days he barely recognized himself when looking into a mirror.) "You're... You're really here, aren't you?" she whispered, as though fearing that she'd scare him into leaving.

Magnus nodded slowly, unsure what he was expected to say. They were close friends before the breakup but staying in contact with her after... It was too painful. (Another thing Alec took away from him. A bitter taste filled Magnus' mouth.) "You cut your hair." The shoulder length style looked good on her, made her appear more... grownup.

"And you stopped wearing makeup. Magnus...!" Whatever Izzy had planned to say faded away as her gaze found Alec. Her knees buckled and Magnus was barely fast enough to catch her before she would've fallen to the floor. Izzy sobbed hysterically and he realized that he was crying, too, as they clung to each other.

So infuriatingly unfair, all of this.

As soon as Magnus could be sure that Izzy was able to stand on her own the need to get away became even more persistent. "I'm sorry, I have to..." Unsteady on his feet, he attempted to make it to the door.

He never got that far before Izzy called out. "Magnus, wait." A little hesitant, she began to search for something from her small bag. "I panicked when Alec wouldn't answer my calls and messages so... I stopped by at his apartment before starting to call around hospitals, he gave me a spare key... for emergencies." She handed a letter towards him. "I found this. I have no idea when Alec wrote it." (Certainly imagining that Magnus would never see it.)

'To Magnus', read on the envelope in Alec's familiar handwriting.

Chapter 2

After their… memorable first meeting the relationship between Alec and Magnus developed sort of half-accidentally. They had a dinner at a tiny, slightly suspicious restaurant that led to both of them getting a food poisoning. (They spent that night on the floor of Magnus' bathroom. It was... oddly romantic.) Once they met accidentally at a library, of all places, and were surprised to discover that they had a similar taste in books. After two months of those meetings they refused to or couldn't label they finally acknowledged that they were dating. Three weeks later Alec let the word 'boyfriend' slip by accident and they decided that they liked it. A lot.

At four months they both started thinking about taking... the next step. The sex step, as Magnus called it. He was worried that they were moving too fast – he'd been pushed to rush into things several times before and didn't want to wreck everything. And then there was another thing, such that'd scared off some people Magnus had liked more than he should've. Alec was also clearly nervous due to lack of intimate experience.

The evening when they decided to go all the way they'd watched a wonderful, quite sad but romantic movie together. They were supposed to cook at Magnus' apartment. Instead they were both in a very particular mood and fiery kisses led to them falling to a bed before they'd made any decisions. Shoes and shirts were sent flying. Magnus shivered from pleasure until he realized that Alec was wrestling to unbuckle his belt. Knowing what'd soon be revealed was nearly enough to send him to a panic attack.

How could Alec not have noticed? "Magnus? Did I... Did I do something wrong?"

Magnus shook his head vigorously. It didn't chase away what was making him panic but at least Alec wouldn't be burdened by his idiocy. "... moment you see all of me ... you'll never look at me the same way."

If he was with anyone else it would've been creepy how Alec seemed to understand instantly although Magnus didn't explain much. "May I?" the man requested and it was impossible to believe that anyone would've been capable of saying 'no'.

Slowly, giving Magnus all the time in the world to prepare himself, Alec opened his belt. (It marked the first time in their relationship the taller man was the more confident one of them. The change of dynamic... felt oddly good. For the first time in his life Magnus was comforted by a partner he could trust to take care of him.) Then, gently, Alec lowered his pants.

And there they were. Scars, most of them small and all of them self-inflicted, covering practically all of Magnus' thighs. Usually they were his private shame. Several people had been disgusted or made feel uncomfortable otherwise after seeing them. Camille took them as a sign of weakness she used against him mercilessly.

Alec watched them. Then met his gaze with a great deal of sadness and understanding. "I feel that way, too, sometimes", the man admitted quietly. Obviously confessing as much to someone for the first time. Alec hesitated. "None of them... looks fresh."

"I... haven't felt the urge for a while", Magnus murmured, his eyes locked with Alec's. He still had bad days, frustratingly many of them. But he had two amazing reasons to fight through those, now. Two beacons of light.

Alec seemed relieved but not quite satisfied yet. "If you ever... do feel the urge... Tell me, okay?"

Magnus nodded. He could see how important this promise was. "If you swear to tell me, too." Even the thought of Alec suffering alone in a silence...

They ended up making love that night, after doing some more tough talking. Their new discovery about each other, while heart-wrenching, also helped them feel closer than ever before. It deepened their emotional connection and intensified the fresh physical one. Their bodies danced together, every little move perfect to them although there were some imperfections here and there. (Even the strongest couples couldn't get everything about their first intimate encounter right. Instead of becoming frustrated or ashamed they were at peace with their tiny shortcomings. It felt incredibly good to be with someone who didn't expect perfection.)

The following morning they woke up in each other's arms, at the exact same moment. And smiled dopily when the first thing they saw was each other. The moment's serenity led to another huge first. "I love you", Alec whispered.

"I love you, too", Magnus whispered back and meant it with every cell in his body.

He hoped that Alec wouldn't end up breaking his heart. /

/

Magnus trembled as he held Alec's letter and sank to a chair. He wouldn't have wanted to read it in front of anyone, let alone the sister of an ex. Maybe it would've been better to not read it at all. But he knew that he wouldn't make it home without opening such a loaded object.

What could Alec possibly have to say to him after the pain the man caused him? Would any words matter anymore, make any difference? What if they would make a difference and Alec would d...?

Magnus' stomach rolled hazardously but he didn't lose control over it.

"He loves you", Izzy whispered. Or that was how quiet it sounded to him. "I don't know why he broke up with you, he always gets cryptic when I try to demand answers. But he hasn't stopped loving you for even a second."

Magnus snorted bitterly. He couldn't look away from the letter. "We certainly didn't... part in very loving terms."

In a fit of rage Magnus made a move to shred the letter. Then decided that he'd never been a coward and wouldn't start now. After opening the envelope he was uncomfortably aware of Izzy's gaze on him, until Alec's words were everything that registered to him.

'Dear Magnus,

I don't know why I'm writing this, knowing that you'll never see this. I suppose I need to express everything I never told you somehow. While I still can. Maybe then it won't all follow me to wherever I'm going.

I'll never be able to tell you everything. It's the deal I made and I'll stand by it even after my final breath. Because it was the right thing to do, even if it tore me to pieces.

Magnus, you have to know that I love you, more than anything or anyone else in this world. I could never stop loving you because you're the most amazing person I've ever met. If I had my way, I would've spent the rest of my life with you and built a family with you. But sometimes things just don't go the way we'd want them to.

I'm so sorry about all the pain I caused you. It's haunted me every day since then. Those things I said to you... I didn't mean them, at least the way I had to make them seem.

I hope you're happy, wherever you are. The thought of you being whole and happy, and loved, is the only thing that's kept me going on most days. But now I'm just too tired. The burden of being in this world... It's too much to bear, even for Jace and Izzy.

See, I'm keeping my promise, I'm telling you. Not that you'd ever see or hear. And I only have myself to blame for that.

Magnus, I love you. There'll never be anyone as magical as you in this world I'm leaving behind. You're the greatest adventure I ever encountered and I don't regret a single second of it, apart from the final ones. The light and color you brought into my life... I've cherished the memory of having them for a while. Maybe in some other reality I got a chance to propose to you and marry you. This reality was never so kind.

I'm so sorry. For hurting you, for my weakness, for everything. Maybe I'll get a chance to see you again in the next life.

Goodbye, Magnus.

With all my love,

Your Alexander'

It took Magnus nearly a full minute to comprehend what he was reading. Alec... He was saying goodbye. Convinced that Magnus would never see the words but determined to try to make peace with himself nonetheless.

"It's a suicide note, isn't it?" Izzy sobbed and cursed, loudly and colorfully. "He... He left behind a letter for me, too. I haven't read it. I refuse to ever read it and..." The rest of what she was babbling in a shock failed to register to Magnus. All he could hear was the hammering of his aching heart and his own struggled, agonizing breaths.

Usually Magnus recognized an oncoming panic attack. Now he noticed, vaguely, that his knees were a little weak. (When did he stand up?) Then he collapsed to the floor.

/

/ Magnus woke up to the sound of a loud, pained whimper. It took embarrassingly long before he realized that it came from him. Overwhelmed, he planned to leave the bed until a protective arm wrapped around him.

"... 'gnus?" Alec mumbled. "... have a nightmare?"

"Yeah", Magnus breathed out. Only then realizing that he was crying. "Our relationship... You ended it and... It hurt so much I thought I'd d..." He trailed off.

Alec pulled him close and kissed his head. "Never, Magnus. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Too many people had given Magnus similar promises. But Alec... He trusted Alec. He allowed himself to be cradled in the man's arms and fell asleep feeling safer than ever in his life. /

/

Magnus woke up with a shudder. The bright lights of a hospital room blinded him while things started to make sense frustratingly slowly. What was he doing on the floor?

A whimper broke out of him as the pieces of memories collided brutally.

"... waking up ... was about to call for help ..." Izzy's voice sounded uncomfortably loud as his head attempted to adjust to his waken state. "Let's get you up, okay?" Slowly and gently she helped him sit up. By the time they sat side by side on the floor Izzy was still crying. "That letter... It was a lot, huh? I'm sorry..."

Magnus shook his head although it made him dizzy all over again. He couldn't take any more Lightwood apologies. "He wanted to die", he choked out. Saying it out loud didn't help the words make sense, at all. Magnus buried his face to his hands. Everything inside him seemed to be falling to pieces. "What... What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to feel? Isabelle, I can't..." He trailed off.

He couldn't handle facing that agony of losing Alec all over again.

Izzy grabbed his hand. "Stay, Magnus. Please." She had the same frustratingly irresistible pleading eyes as her brother. "You belong by Alec's side, no matter what."

Did he? Magnus wasn't so sure anymore. Would Alec have been pleading him to stay or kicking him out if the man was conscious?

Magnus and Izzy jumped as her phone made a sound. (In the bed Alec remained dishearteningly and unnaturally still.) "I know, I know, phones shouldn't be used here. But... They said it's safe, and Jace is on a flight here from London..." Izzy trailed off after reading the message. "Actually, he just landed. I should pick him up from the airport." She clearly wouldn't have wanted to leave.

"Go." Maybe Magnus really was losing his mind. Would it have been that surprising, considering the circumstances? "I'll keep Alexander company."

If Izzy noticed his slip of a tongue, she didn't mention it. She gave him a long, tight hug, then sped out of the room without daring to glance towards her brother. And then it was just Magnus and Alec, alone in the same room for the first time since...

Unsure what to do with the letter and his every move unnaturally slow, Magnus slipped the item to his pocket. Then forced his gaze to turn to Alec. The man was trembling slightly. Was he having bad dreams or in pain? Unable to stand by idly, Magnus sat to the chair beside the bed, took Alec's hand and, mindful of the canula attached to it, squeezed. Did the trembling he saw subside or was he imagining things?

A flood of memories came without a warning.

/ It was a month from their first meeting as Alec and Magnus took a break from their shared jog and sat down to a park. While drinking water they watched as a mother with a little girl passed by. Intense longing tugged at Magnus' heart.

"Have you ever thought about it?" Alec inquired. "Becoming a dad?"

Magnus swallowed. There was something he maybe should've told sooner. "Actually, I, ah... I have a daughter. Amanda. She's six." He showed Alec a picture of her from his phone and braced himself for any possible reaction.

Alec was clearly and understandably shocked. But also smiled and took his hand. "She's beautiful. Looks a lot like you."

"Really? Most people say that she's Camille's image." Magnus sighed. "Camille, my ex, and I... We have our... issues. But I see Amanda as often as Camille lets me." He paused. "I'd like you and Amanda to meet one day."

"Do you... think she'd like me?"

Magnus snorted. "One of these days you'll stop underestimating your charm. Who wouldn't adore you?"

Children laughing kept Magnus from catching Alec's muttered "You'd be surprised...". /

/ "Do you seriously imagine that I'm going to let you introduce my daughter to some man you've dragged into your bed to not feel lonely for a while?"

"Alec isn't just some guy", Magnus growled. His boyfriend being insulted in such a way made him see red. "We love each other."

Camille rolled her eyes. "If I'd get a dollar every time you imagine that you've fallen in love..." Her gaze hardened. "I'm keeping Amanda away from your disgusting lifestyle."

As they continued to fight the two weren't aware that Amanda, who should've been sleeping, was awake and listened. /

/ Amanda glared at Alec. "I don't like you", she hissed. "Two men being together is unnatural, mommy says so. So do grandma and grandpa. I don't want you in papa's life, making him sick and unnatural." /

/ "I do get it, Magnus. Amanda is your daughter. And Camille's your..." Alec's tone was carefully cool and detached even after he trailed off for a moment. "They're your family. I get it. I come from a broken family and I refuse to be someone to break another." /

/ It'd already been an endlessly long, horrible day. Sadly the worst part was yet to come. Magnus frowned when there was a knock on his apartment's door. Cold filled his entire body as he discovered two police officers. "Magnus Bane?" one of them inquired.

What did he do during a drunker stupor? Magnus nodded robotically. "Y-Yeah, I am."

There was a terribly sad expression on the officer's face. The man talked after he'd let the two inside. "Mr. Bane, I'm afraid we have some bad news. There's been an accident..." /

Magnus sniffled and closed his eyes. "I... I already lost Amanda. Please, Alexander... Don't make me lose you a second time. I barely survived the first."

Chapter 3

The first meeting of Alec and Amanda... was a bit of a disaster. But it didn't manage to shatter his and Magnus' relationship. At least Alec's introduction to the rest of his most important people at the older man's birthday party went more smoothly. Catarina was sweet and welcoming. Ragnor was polite enough, although occasionally... inappropriate due to his drunken state. Raphael, predictably, gave Alec something of a shovel talk the young man took with grace and dignity that made Magnus love him even more.

Then it was time for Alec's birthday party, which Magnus and Izzy – who was brilliant and a wonderful shopping partner – decided to throw at the older man's loft. Nothing big or fancy, it would've only made the man of the hour feel uncomfortable. Just Alec's nearest and dearest. Which meant under ten people but quality was far more important than quantity.

The party was where Magnus met Jace, Alec's adopted brother who lived mostly in London due to work, for the first time. The blond... was pretty much the opposite to the taller man, loud, brash and attention seeking. Jace and Magnus managed to rub each other the wrong way from the very first second but made a silent decision to act civil for Alec's sake.

And Alec enjoyed the party despite proclaiming repeatedly that he didn't need such a fuss. The man allowed himself to let loose and just be himself, and kissed Magnus without any shame. "Thank you", Alec whispered. "So much. I can't believe you and Izzy did this for me."

"Why not?" Magnus kissed Alec's cheek, making the man who was no longer touch-starved shiver from delight. "Surely you know by now that I'd do anything for you."

Alec hugged him close tightly. Practically wrapped the man's tall frame around him protectively. "I'd do anything for you, too."

It could've all been perfect. If Camille didn't come knocking in the middle of the whole thing, a demanding look in her eyes. "Your daughter is driving me crazy. I expect you to take her tomorrow, there's something important I need to do."

"He's got a kid with some woman, seriously?" Jace sputtered.

Magnus was surprised shame didn't kill him as he felt everyone staring at him. He glared at Camille. "You know well that I won't be in New York tomorrow, I told you a month ago." He planned to take Alec on a romantic little surprise trip to the countryside. Camille had been informed, just like he told her about the party because it would've been his weekend with Amanda. "I'll take her gladly right after I come back."

"So you're refusing to prioritize your daughter?"

"You know as well as I do that if I'd have my way, she'd live with me permanently. You've done your best to keep her away from me whenever the opposite doesn't suit your needs." Magnus had no interest to air their dirty laundry in public. "We'll talk about this later. Now I'm walking you out."

Camille rolled her eyes but, seeing that she didn't have any support from their audience, didn't protest further as he began to escort her towards the building's door. Unfortunately she didn't remain quiet for long. "I hope you enjoy the pathetic flavor of the month. It's not going to last, I saw from his eyes that he's looking for an excuse to dump you. Just like all the others."

That hurt. Far more than it should've. And Magnus was uncomfortably aware that despite his best attempts to conceal it the sting showed from his eyes. "By now I know you well enough to understand that you don't know anything about human emotions. Goodnight, Camille."

Camille smirked in a predatory fashion. "You naïve idiot. I know more than you realize."

Camille's gaze strayed for exactly one heartbeat to something behind Magnus' back. Then, without a warning, she planted an unwanted kiss on his lips. "Goodnight", she purred before walking out with sharp, elegant steps.

Magnus was ready to throw up as Camille's taste refused to leave his mouth. The sensation intensified as he turned. To find Alec and Jace, who definitely saw Camille's little show, staring at him. /

/

One moment Magnus was safe in Alec's arms, his heart singing as he exchanged a languid, loving kiss with the love of his life. The next a door banging open startled him back to the nightmarish, agonizing reality. Instincts guiding him, he positioned himself protectively in front of Alec before darting a glare over his shoulder.

At least Jace had the audacity to appear apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I just..." The blond shook his head and continued to stare at him. "Why are you here?"

Magnus shrugged tensely. "Apparently Alec still has me as his emergency contact so... They called me." Would Jace tell him to leave?

Jace nodded slowly. And visibly swallowed his pride. "Look... I know I've been... a bit of an ass towards you. A lot. Alec's told me off repeatedly for that. Maybe I'm a bit of an idiot. But... I saw how happy he was with you. And I've seen how miserable he's been without you. So I just... I'm okay with you being back in his life if you swear to not cause him more pain."

Bitterness and pain swell inside Magnus. He couldn't stop them from exploding out. "I'm back right now and still here because he's unconscious and unable to kick me out. I didn't choose to leave him to begin with, Jace."

Understanding appeared to Jace's eyes. It was easy to notice that he avoided looking at Alec as much as he could. Clearly seeing his brother in the man's current condition was too much. "You still love him as much as he loves you, don't you?"

Magnus huffed. Which sounded too much like a sob for comfort. "I don't know which option hurts more. That Alec didn't love me enough to stay with me. Or that he imagined I could ever choose any other partner over him." His heart was somehow able to fall into pieces yet again as he glared at Alec, his eyes stinging hellishly. "Not that it'd matter. It's not like there could ever be a second chance for us."

/

It was as though the loaded little exchange with Jace sucked out what little energy Magnus had. Within half an hour the man was asleep, clutching at Alec's hand. Jace found himself staring despite knowing that it was impolite. He took in the dark circles surrounding both men's eyes, the clear evidence of lost weight and lost spark.

Jace had known that the breakup was tough on Alec, even though it was his brother who initiated it for reasons that were a mystery to the blond. (He'd always assumed that Camille was responsible.) Now he saw the full toll it'd taken on them and cursed himself for not visiting New York more often.

Maybe if he was a better brother Alec wouldn't have felt the need to...

It was less painful to blame Magnus. If Alec never met him... Never had his heart shattered...

"He looks so exhausted", Izzy whispered and nodded towards Magnus, deep sadness in her eyes. She sniffled, on the verge of breaking down to tears. "We have to get them back together after Alec wakes up, I can't stand seeing them like this."

Jace snorted. "What, so Alec can get hurt some more? No way."

Izzy glared at him heatedly enough to make him shiver. "We both know that Alec would've never wanted to lose Magnus. Someone must've done something and three years of prying haven't made him reveal who it was. If I knew who was responsible, I'd k..." She didn't get to finish because just then the machinery monitoring Alec made alarming noises.

Magnus woke up and shuddered, the motion causing the sleeve of his shirt to climb up. Chills went down Jace's spine as he saw three deep scars marring the older man's wrist. Magnus hid them with a visible amount of shame.

Maybe things weren't as black and white as Jace had assumed.

Then the machinery's noise intensified – and seizures overtook Alec's body.

/

Alec ended up needing another surgery. Once it was done the medical staff couldn't make any promises regarding whether there'd be more of those horrifying seizures, nor could they tell if damage had been done to the man's brain. All they could do was wait for Alec to wake up. (If the man would ever wake up, was the terrifying non-verbal message.)

The ten days which followed... They were definitely a nightmare, not made easier on Magnus by Jace's borderline hostile presence. Alec had no more seizures but it took the first six days before his level of sedation was lowered slowly, giving him a chance to wake up. So far there'd been no trace of that happening anytime soon. Alec only needed oxygen whiskers instead of the full mask and while all his extensive injuries would take a long time to heal, his heart beat strongly. (From time to time Magnus placed his hand or an ear on top of it, just to be sure that the beat was truly there.) But Alec remained despairingly unresponsive and as days passed by it got harder and harder to believe in a miracle.

He was Magnus' very own Sleeping Beauty – or not really his anymore, would never be again.

/ 'It's the deal I made.' /

Alec's words from the letter echoed inside Magnus' head in an endless loop as he sat beside the man's hospital bed yet again, waiting and desperately trying to hold on for them both. What kind of a deal was it? And who was it made with? Why would someone...?

Suddenly it dawned on Magnus and fury flowed through him in a mixture of ice and fire. "You'll... stay with Alec, right?" he asked Izzy. "I need to visit someone."

/

/ Alec was coming home after a long day of work and sighed as his phone chimed from another message Magnus sent. Things between them... had been tense since the kiss Camille planted on his boyfriend. Amanda's continued disdain towards him didn't make matters easier.

Alec hated his own insecurity. He hated how someone as obviously manipulative as Camille managed to get under his skin. Most of all he hated how he found himself wondering if he and Magnus were kidding themselves, imagining that they could make things work out.

Alec's tension escalated as he saw a man who'd clearly been waiting for him outside his apartment's door. The stranger spoke up before he could ask. "You must be the infamous Alexander. I'm Asmodeus, Magnus' father. I believe we have some talking to do." /

/

It wasn't difficult to find Asmodeus, the man had always been a notorious workaholic. An unimpressed arched eyebrow greeted Magnus. "You haven't bothered to visit in at least a year, and now you come barging in to my office as though you own it. I haven't died yet, my company isn't yours."

And that was a part of the issue, wasn't it? "I can't believe it took me this long to connect the dots", Magnus growled. He took a threatening step closer. "It was you, right? You blackmailed Alec into breaking up with me."

Asmodeus hummed, not bothering to even pretend being ashamed. "I merely made him see what should've been obvious to you both. He could never be the right person for you. Maybe I persuaded him a little to drive the message home."

Magnus wanted to break things, punch Asmodeus, scream, cry. Instead he went for something infinitely more painful and revealed his scarred wrists. (Maybe, he was half-convinced that Asmodeus wasn't capable of feeling anything at all.) "This is what you did to us both. We... We actually made each other happy. And you punished us for that by breaking us."

There was a millisecond of pain before Asmodeus rolled his eyes. "Stop being overdramatic. You must've known that I'd never allow my offspring to parade around with another man, bringing shame to his family."

"I'm not ashamed of falling in love with Alec. I'm ashamed I was cursed to have you for a father", Magnus spat. "I don't need your precious firm, your money or your help to boost my career. I'm a grown man standing on my own two feet. And if my happiness means nothing to you... Then you have no place in my life. As of this day you're as good as dead to me. I want you to know, until your final breath, that your bigotry cost you the only member of your family and your only child. That your actions almost killed me." He saw the words had an impact. "Goodbye, Asmodeus."

Magnus hoped that he'd never have to see Asmodeus again.

/

/ "When Camille told me about your... entanglement with my son I could barely believe it." Asmodeus wrinkled his nose. "This industry I work in... It's all about the image. As a Lightwood you understand that, don't you? And as his father I can't allow you to tarnish Magnus' reputation along with my own." Asmodeus leaned closer. "How long do you imagine your relationship would've lasted, anyway? Magnus... He needs someone who shines the same way he does by his side. And he has a family. A lovely woman and a beautiful little girl. Surely you wouldn't want to stand in the way of that?" Asmodeus seemed to see that he'd hit where it hurt the most. "You're pretty enough but you're not rich, powerful or successful. Sooner or later Magnus will grow to resent you for how much you cost him. What do you imagine you could offer that'd make up for losing his daughter?"

Alec kept his gaze on the floor. "Nothing", he whispered. "I... I can't offer him anything, can I?" /

/

After the meeting at least three hours passed by in a blur. Magnus walked around New York aimlessly. His brain refused to comprehend what he just learned.

He'd spent the last three years believing that even Alec found him unlovable. He lost the love of his life, his daughter and even Ragnor. He reached a point where he wanted to die, attempted to take his life and came incredibly close to succeeding.

And it was all pushed into motion by his own parent. Asmodeus managed to get into Alec's head to make it happen. As furious with the younger man as he was, Magnus was forced to admit that he understood. He knew, all too well, how manipulative Asmodeus could be at his worst.

Magnus heard Alec's voice whispering 'I love you'. Saw the man wherever he went. Tasted Alec's lips. Felt the man's gentle touches. And eventually, with unsteady fingers, he found himself sending Izzy a message. (Magnus hoped that she hadn't changed her number. He didn't know why he hadn't delated it from his phone. Now he was glad he hadn't.)

'I know that this is a lot to ask. But can you make sure that there's no one else in Alec's room in an hour? I need to say something to him alone.'

Somehow going to see Alec now was even harder than right after he learned about the accident. The emotional storm inside Magnus... It was even more intense. He stood at the hospital room's doorway for the longest time, staring at the man in the bed and taking in the obvious evidence of suffering. The scars marring both his wrists stung from phantom pain.

He couldn't believe how thoroughly Asmodeus managed to tear them both to pieces.

Finally convincing himself to take the chair beside the bed, Magnus swallowed hard. Everything he felt at the moment... It was too much. "I... I know everything, now. Why you... did what you did. And... I'm so fucking mad at you." He hardly ever cursed but surely he was allowed to make an exception now? Tears ran down his cheeks. He did nothing to stop them. "For hurting me. For hurting yourself. For listening to my f... Asmodeus instead of asking me what I wanted. For giving up on me, because I..." His voice broke. "I would've really needed you these past three years." Magnus wiped his eyes roughly with one hand. "But... I still love you, you idiot. I don't think I'd know how to stop even if I tried." He took a few moments to compose himself. "Asmodeus... He has no power over me anymore. There'd be nothing standing in our way anymore, if we'd... decide to give things another chance. And... I need you to wake up, do you hear me? So I can tell you all that. So we can figure out if there's... a chance, or if we've changed and been broken beyond hope." Magnus brushed Alec's cheek. "I need to see those eyes of yours, at least one more time."

There was so much more Magnus wanted to say. But it seemed he'd exhausted all his words for the time being. It simultaneously felt healing and shattered him further to get what he did so far off his chest.

All the love they shared and all those dreams they once had... All the pain they'd suffered... And Alec might never...

With very little else he could do, Magnus started to sing softly. The song was once Amanda's favorite lullaby. Magnus hoped that if it was good for nothing else, it at least gave Alec comfort.

/

/ Amanda's words of anger, hate and rejection... They played over and over again in Alec's head while Magnus tucked in the man's daughter. Alec was terrified, heartbroken and sick to his stomach.

Since the beginning of their relationship Alec had been convinced that sooner or later he'd lose Magnus, because how could he ever be good enough for someone so magical? This... This was it, right? What parent would stay with someone their child hated? And he knew how much Magnus loved Amanda.

Alec contemplated sneaking out of the apartment without making a sound. Until he heard Magnus singing softly. The beautiful voice and melody lured Alec close enough to Amanda's room to hear the whispered words which followed the song.

"... mad at me, papa?"

Magnus sighed. "A little, yes. And disappointed. I don't like how rude you were to Alec. He was so excited to finally meet you. And I've tried to raise you better than to believe that there's something sick and wrong about two men or two women loving each other, or about someone being able to love men and women alike. Your words hurt me a lot."

Amanda emitted a small whimper. "I'm sorry." Did she mean that?

"I'm not the only one you should be apologizing to, Amanda." Magnus sighed again and likely kissed her head. "We'll talk more about this incident tomorrow. And then you'll apologize to Alec. He's a very good person "

Amanda remained silent for a long time. Mulled over her papa's words. "Does he make you happy?"

"Happier than I've ever been in my life", Magnus proclaimed without a shred of hesitation. "I love him. And I love you, too. Don't ever imagine that there's any competition between you two."

Those words... They accomplished something impossible. They stopped Alec from leaving.

Alec stayed awake through most of the night, savoring having Magnus in his arms – he had a nasty feeling that fate wasn't done trying to tear them away from each other yet. /

/

When Alec began to tremble, Magnus was terrified that it'd lead to another seizure and the song froze into his throat. Could it be something even worse than a seizure? He held his breath as his heart galloped in his chest and prayed although he wasn't really a believer.

Alec, however, didn't start spasming. Nor did the man's vitals crumble or skyrocket. After several maddening false starts Alec's fluttering eyelids opened and the man's gaze locked on him with some difficulty. Who would not have been moved while being looked at by someone in such a way? "... I die?" Alec rasped. "... this heaven?"

Magnus shook his head, unashamed of his tears. "No. I believe we've both gone through hell and a nightmare but we're waking up, now. And I'm not letting you leave me again."

Chapter 4

/ "I'm glad you aren't beyond reason. Maybe I can stop Camille's plans to take Amanda abroad with her to spare that precious little girl from... questionable lifestyle choices." Asmodeus' piercing gaze could be felt without one turning their head to meet it. "I'm not a monster, Alexander." (Alec wanted to snarl at the man to stop calling him that.) "I merely want to keep Magnus from losing everything else of any value but you. Surely you wouldn't want him to lose everything?"

Alec shook his head, too drained for words. He reminded himself that no matter how much this might hurt, him and Magnus alike, he was doing the right thing. Even if the love of his life would never know his true reasons and would hate him for the rest of the man's life.

"Remember that I'll be listening to your little talk." Asmodeus pointed towards both their phones. "You are going to say exactly the things I told you to. No tricks or dropping hints. If Magnus ever finds out about this, he'll end up losing his career and his little girl."

Alec would've never, ever competed with a child. And he'd vowed to be better than his own father, he wasn't going to wreck a family. So he braced himself for the most difficult thing he'd ever done. /

/ 'We should probably talk.'

Alec's message, the first in what seemed like ages, was already alarming enough. Then Magnus saw his boyfriend's face and realized that all his worst fears were about to come true. This was exactly what he should've braced himself for from the start.

Everyone left him sooner or later – why not someone as amazing as Alec, who certainly deserved better.

It was... worse than anything Magnus could've envisioned. Apparently seeing him with Camille made Alec realize that there could never be a future for them. The younger man was convinced that Amanda would never accept him, Camille even less. And Alec couldn't handle becoming a part of another family that wouldn't accept him.

Magnus wasn't having any of that, of course – which was when the kiss with Camille and trust issues were brought up.

Magnus hadn't experienced such pain and bitterness in his whole life. "I thought you were different. I thought you believed in me."

"I guess we both ended up disappointed, then." There were tears in Alec's eyes as the man began to take his leave. "Please don't make this harder than this already is. This... This is how things have to be, for both our sakes. If you ever really loved me... Then let me go."

Who could've refused to do that, especially when Alec's despair was palpable?

Magnus forced his trembling body to remain still as Alec continued onwards. Then he did something that succeeded in making the already excruciating situation a thousand times worse. Nauseatingly aware of how similar the move was to Camille's, Magnus grabbed Alec's arm and coaxed the man to turn around. Then pressed their lips together, one last time.

It tasted of agony, tears and heartache. At first Alec refused to respond to his gesture. Then the man's lips parted slightly, moved with his. Seconds later the kiss was over.

Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks as he gasped in a few breaths, every molecule in his being falling apart. By the time he forced his eyes open Alec had vanished. As though the man had been nothing but a cruel trick of his imagination. He'd never felt so lonely and abandoned. /

/ Shock helped Alec's steps remain steady as he walked away. He felt so much that he was hollow. Which made sense, really, since he just left behind his heart and soul.

Alec had battled depression before. Now he felt truly dead inside. And would continue to feel that way for three excruciatingly long years. /

/

Alec could tell that he was close to losing consciousness again almost as soon as he regained it. And drifting off... It was the last thing he wanted to happen. Because Magnus being there... Alec was half-convinced that it was a dream, hallucination or something equally depressing. He was terrified that the next time he'd open his eyes Magnus might be gone.

Alec couldn't go back to that reality. To a life full of... nothing. To a life that made him want to die.

Magnus seemed to understand, the same way the man had always understood him. (One of the things Alec missed the most about his beloved was having someone in his life who saw him and his needs, without any words being needed.) "It's okay to get some more rest", Magnus reassured in a whisper, as though guessing that he had a horrible headache, and took his hand to squeeze it tenderly. (Alec held back the best as he could, clung to the contact he'd yearned for like air.) "I won't leave until you tell me to go."

If it was somehow true that nothing stood in their way anymore – then Alec didn't want Magnus to ever leave him again.

Alec was anxious to express as much out loud. Ached to ask what changed, why Asmodeus wasn't a threat anymore. But he was too drained for that many words.

Then the room's door was thrown open and, uncomfortably loudly, Jace and Izzy barged in. "... right to tell us to stay out", his brother snarled. Then froze upon seeing that he was awake. "Alec...!"

It would've turned into a chaos. His siblings loved him but they'd never been good at being gentle with anyone. Fortunately Magnus interfered, sounding worryingly hoarse. "Remember his injuries, please. And I'm pretty sure he has a bad headache, so keep it down."

It wasn't anything rude. Yet Jace glared at Magnus. "We're his family. You're an ex who caused him a lot of pain. You don't get to tell us what to do and what not to do."

"Jace!" Izzy hissed, her tone sharp enough to make the man flinch, and smacked the blond upside the head.

Alec, to his horror, felt Magnus' hand starting to slip away from his. (While the man had always been dramatic, the love of his life loathed being the cause of negative drama.) Desperate and barely conscious, Alec cast a pleading pair of eyes towards Jace. Begged his brother silently to understand. "... stop ... need him here ..." Don't you understand that I can't lose him again?

Whatever objections Jace might've had died on the blond's lips with a huff. Magnus' hand continued to hold his. A storm had passed.

Alec drifted to sleep with the feeble wish that he wouldn't wake up to his personal hell continuing.

/

/ Alec had been convinced that he'd die and hoped that he would three times in his life. The episodes of depression he'd battled since his teenage years were nothing on those occasions. Breaking up with Magnus was the first. Why should one have to survive without their heart and soul?

Alec lay in his bed for days, unable to fall asleep or do anything, and waited for his shattered heart to finally gain rest – it never happened.

Then, only a few months later, his little brother Max died in a horrible accident their parents blamed on Alec. He was supposed to watch over the pre-teen. Instead they had to arrange a funeral.

Everyone in his family reacted to the loss differently. His mother became bitter and started drinking. His father started an affair. Jace started a wild string of one-night stands. Izzy... made questionable choices until she received hospital care. Alec lost track on how many times he stared at Magnus' name on his phone's screen. He would've needed the man more than ever before but denied himself the relief. He didn't deserve it, nor could he risk Asmodeus finding out, and Magnus definitely wanted nothing to do with him.

Maybe it was for the best. Everything Alec cared about seemed to crumble to shambles. Magnus was better off without him.

For some reason Alec survived the following three years. Most of it was nothing but more or less painful blur to him. Until something pushed Alec completely off the edge.

A month after that he actively attempted to die. /

/

Magnus stared at the hand he'd joined with Alec's, barely daring to believe that it was real. Even asleep the younger man held on to him so tightly that knuckles had turned white. Terrified that he'd slip away. "What happened?" Magnus was finally coherent enough to ask that out loud. "Alec... He survived for three years and then... What triggered him?"

Jace opened his mouth but Izzy was faster. "It was a rough day and Alec... He was drinking pretty heavily, probably drunk for the first time in his life. He tried to kiss this guy who'd been eyeing him the whole night and looked... pretty much the opposite of you." Izzy sighed. "That asshole was still partially in a closet and rejected Alec, loudly. There was a group of five homophobes who heard the whole thing and... They found Alec faster than I did." Izzy buried her face to her hands. "They... They beat him up so badly. But the worst thing... It was his eyes. They were dead. He hadn't been that bad off even after we lost Max."

A jolt of ache crossed Magnus. "Max is gone?" He never got a chance to meet the boy, Alec's parents were more likely than not to blame. But his ex talked about Max so often that Magnus felt as though he knew him. And he'd sensed how important his brother was to Alec. Losing him... It had to be a devastating blow.

Izzy didn't seem to hear his interruption. "I tried to get Alec help but..." She didn't have to finish for Magnus to comprehend.

Alec's current horribly sad state revealed what happened next.

Magnus shuddered when Jace stood up abruptly and marched out of the room. Izzy emitted a pained sound. "Jace blames himself, for believing Alec's 'I'm fine' lies and flying back to London after the attack. It's not right but... It's easier for him to blame you than himself."

Of course it justified nothing but at least now Magnus understood. He nodded slowly, his gaze remaining on Alec's pale hand around his own. "I wish I could've been there for him", he whispered. Just as he wished Alec would've been there to support him through his own tragedies.

They'd both lost so much it nearly killed them.

"You're here now." Izzy's tone made adamantly clear that she wasn't going to let him slip away again. "That's what matters."

Magnus wasn't entirely sure it did matter. Three years of sheer agony... Learning the cause of it wasn't enough to soothe the pain in a blink of an eye. (The same way phantom pain still sometimes overtook the scars on his wrists.) He didn't know if he and Alec would be able to make their relationship work, if they could get back some semblance of what they once had.

But Magnus didn't want to go, and he'd never wanted Alec to go, either.

Magnus swallowed repeatedly. He wondered if he sounded as close to tears as he was. "You can go and find Jace. I'll stay here."

It didn't seem as though Alec wanted him to go, either.

/

/ It was one of those days when everything weighed on Alec too heavily. Leaving Magnus... Losing Max... It was too much. And for a short while he was stupid enough to imagine that alcohol might actually numb the agony. If anything it worsened things.

Alec missed Magnus so much he could barely breathe. When he noticed a man who appeared absolutely nothing like his beloved eyeing him, he came up with a coping mechanism that was infinitely more destructive than alcohol. Of course it worsened things.

"What the hell are you doing, fag?"

Not bothering to tell Izzy that he was leaving – chances were that she heard the commotion, anyway – Alec stumbled out of the club. He might've cried if he wasn't so numb. Alec wanted to be with Magnus. But since that would never be possible, since he had to let go the only person who'd ever be capable of falling in love with him... Why wasn't he allowed to go to Max instead?

Maybe his wish would be granted. Heavy steps could be heard seconds before the hostile voice. "Hey, fag!" /

/

Alec woke up with a loud, feral scream, all of him still feeling the attack. It seemed like a nightmare. His whole life had transformed into a nightmare. Was it any wonder he wanted to...?

/ "I won't leave until you tell me to go." /

Maybe all of it wasn't a nightmare. Alec turned his head cautiously. The side of his bed was empty.

Magnus had left, after all – and Alec couldn't blame him.

Alec was convinced that some invisible force was tearing his heart to pieces, nothing less could've hurt so much. As he whimpered the machinery monitoring him began to make alarming noises, which did his headache no favors. Alec wished he would've had the strength to scream again.

Just then Magnus burst back into the room. (Alec didn't care how pathetic it was that his mind and vitals alike calmed down as soon as the other took his hand. This time he had the strength to squeeze back properly and it felt incredibly good.) "I told you that I wouldn't leave unless you'd tell me to, remember? I'm sorry I missed your second waking up. I went outside to call Catarina."

"... she babysitting Amanda?" Alec rasped.

For some reason sorrow filled Magnus' eyes. The man didn't manage to mask it properly. "Actually, the original plan was for me to babysit her little Madzie tomorrow." Magnus brushed a strand of hair off his face. "Now sleep. We'll do a lot of talking after you've recovered a little." It was highly likely that the man also planned to make Alec talk to a professional. (And honestly, was there a realistic way around that?)

Something about the expression on Magnus' face bothered Alec. Sadly he was in no condition to stay awake for longer than that. He slipped into the dark clinging to Magnus' hand.

The next time Alec woke up he managed to remain conscious slightly longer. Medical professionals were swarming around him then, performing tests and asking an exhausting amount of questions. A psychiatrist, Dr. something, announced that Alec would need... help at a different ward after he'd be more recovered physically. Shame over his weakness washed through him, made pitch-black thoughts stir.

Then Alec saw Magnus, who'd obviously been crying, standing in the background, watching him pleadingly. He realized that giving up wasn't an option. If Magnus was going to stay, so would he.

Alec drifted out at that thought – and the next time he woke up one of the most difficult talks he'd ever had took place.

/

/ Magnus stared at the body on the table. A white blanket covered most of the child, the parts that'd been mangled. The face, though, had remained beautiful and unharmed. She looked as if she was sleeping.

"Yes", Magnus croaked. How was he still standing when his knees were so weak? "That's... That's my Amanda." /

/

Without realizing it Magnus started humming Amanda's favorite lullaby, to comfort himself and Alec alike. He lingered so deep in heavy thoughts and dark memories that he didn't notice Alec had woken up until the man spoke. "You're mad at me."

Magnus nodded. If they wanted to stand any sort of a chance there could be no lies. "It'll take time before I come to terms with the deal Asmodeus coaxed you into. But what I'm really furious about... It's that you tried to throw your life away as though it didn't matter. Like there are no people who care about you."

Alec swallowed with difficulty and stared at the ceiling. "I tried to hold on but... It got too much. Everything." The beating, losing Max... Was it any wonder Alec reached his breaking point?

Magnus hesitated before revealing his wrists to Alec. No more shame and hiding. "I know exactly how you felt. I... I still feel that way, sometimes. Maybe we can help each other."

Running ghostly light fingers over the scarred skin, Alec whimpered and sniffled. The loving touch paused on a tattoo that'd been made with white ink. A tiny star, accompanied by a date. (It was the worst day of Magnus' life. When Amanda...) "What happened?"

Magnus gulped and tears filled his eyes. "A couple of months after you..." He trailed off. "I got a call. Apparently I was Ragnor's emergency contact." (Why did he have to be everyone's emergency contact?) Magnus squeezed his eyes tightly closed. "He... He was found from his office. They, ah... said something about bleeding in the brain. He died in a blink of an eye."

Alec grabbed his hand and Magnus anchored himself on the contact. The most difficult part was still coming. "I started drinking after that. Heavily. I... I was so depressed that I don't remember huge chunks of that time. Amanda kept me going." Magnus sniffled. "Then Camille decided that she had all the proof she needed to show that I was a terrible parent. She planned to take Amanda with her to Los Angeles. I had no idea until I got another phone call." Magnus buried his face to his free hand and started sobbing. "They... They were on their way to the airport when their taxi ran a red light. Another car hit theirs and... It killed everyone involved."

"Magnus, I'm so sorry", Alec whimpered.

By then Magnus could barely breathe but powered through. "I... tried to, after she was buried. What point was there in me being alive? I ran a bath, locked the bathroom door and..." He trailed off. "Catarina and Raphael... They were almost too late to find me." There were too many days when he wished his friends were too late. He hated putting them through that horror story.

By then Alec was crying openly, too. "I should've been there for you. We... We should've been there for each other."

Magnus sighed tiredly. He lifted Alec's hand to press it against his cheek. "We were stolen from each other."

"Because I let that happen." (Trust Alec to take the blame for Asmodeus' cruelty.) "Can you forgive me?"

Magnus sighed heavily, suddenly acutely aware of how exhausted he was. "It's... not about forgiveness, Alexander. You know I've had trust issues since I was a child and... I don't know how to trust you again. Or how to trust myself."

"I don't know if I trust myself, either", Alec admitted quietly. "Or how much I can promise. My head and my mind..." Alec groaned. "But... I want to stay. I want to try. Do you?"

Magnus finally opened his eyes and met Alec's. They were the same ones he fell in love with. He thought about their first meeting, and the love that never really went anywhere, that somehow survived even when they wanted to die. There was only one honest answer to Alec's incredibly vulnerable question. "I do."

chapter 5

Chapter Text

/ One sunny morning Alec woke up to an empty bed. He experienced a brief bout of annoyance before singing reached his ears. It... came from the kitchen, and that voice was very familiar.

Curious, Alec crawled out of the bed and pulled on some clothes. Then sauntered towards the sound. His heart swell several sizes at what he found.

Magnus was making breakfast, singing and dancing along the way. Sensing his presence, the man peered over his shoulder. "Morning. I was supposed to bring you breakfast to bed."

Alec smiled. He didn't think he'd smiled as many times in his whole life as he had since meeting Magnus. "I love you so damned much." It wasn't like him to blurt out something so openly.

Magnus didn't seem to mind. The man's eyes softened. "I love you, too." /

/

Alec shuddered as he woke up. He was still groggy and achy but it was less intense than before. For a moment everything seemed like a dream.

Breaking up with Magnus... The beating... His... attempt... Magnus being right there beside him...

Alec remembered only bits and pieces of their talk. He was pretty sure that they promised to try. But what if Magnus changed his mind? Alec didn't mean the words he ended things between them with but... To Magnus they were real for three long years. And their trust issues... Those were very real, too. Along with several of their personal issues.

Alec didn't know if they'd be able to make things work despite both their determination and commitment but he also knew that he wouldn't survive losing Magnus a second time. Letting go again so his beloved could find something better, someone worthy of the most amazing person in the world... Alec wasn't selfless enough for that.

Turning his gaze, Alec feared that Magnus wouldn't be there. Not for the first time he should've trusted more. He found Magnus sleeping in a position that had to be horribly uncomfortable, one hand clutching at his.

Alec took some time to just watch, now that he was more or less lucid. And because he needed to stare a little to actually believe that Magnus was there. The man was, of course, so beautiful that Alec didn't know how to handle it. But there was no missing the signs of long, sleepless nights and grief. Magnus appeared exhausted and burdened. It shattered Alec's heart that the one he loved more than anyone or anything in the world had been through so much agony without him by his side.

Would things have been different if he knew about Amanda? Would he have risked reaching out? Would Magnus still have tried to...? What if...?

But then, what use was there in tormenting himself with those questions? He'd always been so good at blaming himself, hadn't he? For everything. That was definitely one of the things which... pushed him off the edge. The problem was that Alec didn't know how to stop. He had no clue how to silence his head, even to literally save his life. And he was utterly exhausted from carrying that weight all his life.

He needed help.

The realization hit Alec with a shocking amount of force. Hard enough to make him shudder. Which caused Magnus to blink himself awake blearily. "... 's wrong?" Within seconds Magnus was fully awake. "Are you in pain? I can press the button to..."

Alec shook his head stubbornly. So what if the gesture worsened his headache and dizziness. "I'm sorry", he rasped, pleased that he managed to sound so comprehensible when he had something important to say. "For leaving you. For being stupid. For worrying you. For..." He licked his lips, suddenly once more the shy young man who met Magnus for the very first time. "For being so glad you're here that I can't tell you to leave although it'd be better for you."

Magnus clenched and unclenched his jaw. "Listen to me carefully, Alexander. Being without you... It's never, ever been... better for me. So... Don't you dare try to push me away. Please. I can't..." A whimper broke out of Magnus. "I can't have you abandoning me again."

Alec squeezed Magnus' hand and hoped that it conveyed what he wasn't able to say. I don't want to ever leave you again. "I need help." Alec shocked himself by admitting that out loud, quiet as a whisper as it was.

Magnus blinked twice, then nodded. "Yeah, you do. That's why..." The man's sigh shuddered. "That's why they're transferring you to... a special ward in a few days."

"You can say 'psyche ward' out loud", Alec stated. He absolutely hated the fact that he needed such a place. But he'd never been one to deny facts, even the unpleasant ones.

"Okay." Magnus contemplated his next words for a long time. "I've... been thinking that maybe we should get couple's counseling, too. I mean, after you've recovered a bit and are ready for it. How does that sound to you?"

Alec's thoughts raced a million miles per hour. Went through a dizzying amount of things. And finally a single sentence made it past his lips. "You... think we're a couple?" He regretted the words as soon as they were out. After three years of longing...

Magnus didn't seem to take his words the wrong way. The man did appear shy and hesitant, though. "We could be. Maybe, one day. I know why you did what you did but the things that tore us apart... They weren't caused entirely by outside forces." Magnus sighed. "We both brought baggage into our relationship. And after these three years... There's even more baggage." The man gave him a moment to digest that. "We agreed to try. If we want to succeed... We need help."

Alec nodded half-mechanically. "I want to succeed." He couldn't stomach the thought of failing what and who were most important to him. He was willing to walk through fire for Magnus after the man's voice called him back to life. And wasn't therapy going to feel like walking through fire?

Magnus' hand tightened around his. "I want to succeed, too. And I want to make sure that you get all the help you need along the way."

The sense of security that proclamation gave Alec lulled him to sleep.

/

The next time Alec woke up Jace and Izzy were there. His sister gave him a small smile. (He wondered how long it'd take before she'd manage to gift him one of her true, whole-hearted smiles.) "Don't worry about Magnus. I told him to get some rest in a proper bed but I think he'll be back soon."

Jace's scowl was present for only a second. (But Alec noticed it, anyway.) "Good to see you properly awake. How are you feeling?"

Looking back, Alec recalled far too many instances where Jace hadn't given Magnus the respect the man would've deserved. It was past time to address the issue. Magnus had more than enough to deal with without Jace's horrible level of insensitivity.

It was as though Izzy read his mind. She gave him a meaningful look before speaking up. "I think we could all use some drinkable coffee. I'll stop by at that café across the street."

Jace gave her a pleading look. "Can you bring me a bagel? I'm starving." Well, Jace tended to stop eating whenever the man was stressed out.

"Behave while I'm away and I'll consider not eating it in front of you."

Jace tensed up once they were left alone. The man clearly sensed that a lecture of some sort was coming. "Is... everything okay? You're kind of freaking me out."

Alec sighed heavily. He didn't really have the strength and energy for this but the longer he'd let Jace's negative energy fester... "Everything isn't okay. You're treating the man I love like he's the bad guy and it needs to stop."

"You were totally shattered after your breakup!"

"It happening wasn't Magnus' choice, or mine." Alec bit his lip to not point out that Jace might've known as much if the man wasn't hiding in London to avoid uncomfortable feelings and confrontations. "You have no idea what Magnus has suffered through. I was the one who hurt him horribly, not by choice but still. There was... outside interference that led to our breakup. If Magnus is actually willing to give me, us, a second chance... Then I'm not letting anyone get in the way this time. Even you."

Jace flinched. "So... What are you asking me to do? Suck up to him?"

Alec rolled his eyes. And Jace had called Magnus overdramatic several times... "I'm asking you to give him a fair chance. You know, after all those times you've complained how you're never given one."

Jace nodded his agreement. Grudgingly but still, never having liked being proven wrong. "You know, it's good to see some fight back in you."

Alec wasn't ready to promise anything or to believe in himself a whole lot. He didn't know whether things would be alright, with Magnus or otherwise. But for the first time in too long there was a spark of hope in him.

/

Magnus was startled awake by a knock on his apartment's door. When he didn't make a move to answer it Catarina used the key she insisted to have after his... attempt and seemed heartbreakingly relieved to see him. "You weren't answering your calls and messages so I had to come and see you." Her gaze studied him from head to toe. "I'm glad it looks like you finally got some real, proper rest."

"I slept too long!" Panic took over Magnus as he struggled to find clothes to change into. "Alec's awake now but... Everything's still uncertain. What if...?" He trailed off because he couldn't breathe.

What if Alec's condition would worsen? Head injuries could be so unpredictable. Or what if Alec would change his mind about them trying again? The whole... getting a second chance seemed too good to be true. What if...?

Magnus hadn't realized how much he'd needed such care and support until he was in Catarina's arms, falling apart in a manner he had less than a handful of times in his life. She didn't judge him or ridicule him, only held him close. "Everything's going to work out, one way or another."

Magnus sniffled and shuddered after getting himself under control. "Sorry, I'm... That was..."

"A long time coming." Catarina sighed. "Magnus, you've been through a lot. It's perfectly okay to let yourself fall apart for a little while."

Magnus groaned. "I don't understand why this is happening now. Why am I such a wreck? I mean, something good is finally happening in my life. Shouldn't I be over the moon, not a crying mess?"

"We both know that emotions aren't that simple. Especially after all the trauma you've been through. You can't just snap your fingers and tell yourself to feel or to not feel something." Catarina allowed him to mull over her words. "Do you want to have an emergency therapy session?"

Magnus shook his head. "I need to go back to Alec." He didn't know if the man would have enough energy for more talking but... They'd try, one step at a time.

"Okay." Catarina winced. "You may want to take a shower first, though. You kind of smell like you've spent days at a hospital."

"You sure know how to make one feel flattered."

"You know I don't coddle."

And that was one of the many reasons why Magnus adored Catarina.

Magnus took a long, almost painfully hot shower. And actually felt warm for the first time since his daughter's death. After brushing his teeth, he was about to leave the bathroom until a need that'd been absent... for who knows how long overwhelmed him.

Every movement precise and elegant, Magnus took kohl and put on his tiger stripes.

Alec looked like the man had seen the loveliest of all ghosts as Magnus walked into the hospital room. They didn't address the issue or share a kiss. But something clicked to place inside them both, erasing a years long painful sensation of sharp edges rubbing against something delicate.

/

Alec wasn't sure he believed in therapy. His parents and too many of the people he'd talked with made adamantly clear that they didn't think there was any point in yapping about one's sorrows with a stranger. And starting medication for his depression... Ridiculous as he knew he was being, he was embarrassed about needing the pills. But for his remaining siblings and especially Magnus Alec needed to try. He had to see if he could get better and feel better. The love of his life was on the winning side of the man's own battle – maybe Alec would be able to manage the same.

Alec had hope.

The woman sitting beside his bed asked about a million questions, too many of them so heavy and painful that Alec was tempted to lash out or avoid answering. Time dragged on and hurried by simultaneously. Until she got to what might be her last question for the day. "I can see that you're getting tired but one more. Okay?" She went on at his tense nod. "This is what I ask all my patients during first sessions. Do you believe that I can help you?"

"I don't know", Alec replied with brutal honesty. "But... I want to feel better than I do now. I need to get better." His thoughts strayed to Magnus. "I have so much to fight for."

Alec refused to become another person who'd abandon Magnus – again.

The therapist smiled. (Alec wondered what she saw in him.) "That's a very good start."

Alec, much to his shock, found himself agreeing.

/

Alec loathed his stay at the hospital but understood, logically, that it was what he needed. Magnus was there for him, every step of the way, as he was transferred to the psychiatric ward and received therapy. They even had a couple of sessions together and understood that they'd need many more sessions in the future, as individuals and as a couple.

The stay didn't make all Alec's... issues go away magically. But it, along with medication and support, helped. A lot. Looking into the future Alec had cautious dreams.

The day he was discharged Magnus waited for him outside the hospital. "Izzy's busy with arranging a 'welcome home' and Jace is organizing his move." (The blond would soon live permanently in New York. Maybe the days of running away were over.) "So I offered to come and get you, our Uber should be here any minute. I... hope you don't mind."

"Why would I mind? You're my favorite person in the world", Alec blurted out before managing to stop himself.

Magnus' smile revealed that he said the right thing.

Soon they sat in a car. And it seemed that only then the situation began to truly dawn on them. "What do you want to do now?" Magnus inquired.

Alec looked into the other's eyes. He wanted to reach out towards Magnus' hand but wasn't sure the moment was right. "I just... I want to go home."

Magnus understood, yet again. (No one had ever understood Alec the same way.) "Then let's get you home."

It was impossible to tell which one of them moved first but suddenly they were holding hands. And as the car dove into a tunnel, they shared a kiss in the darkness. It was sweet, shy and innocent rather than wild and passionate. It tasted of hope, love and the tentative start of something new.

Izzy had decorated a little, showing admirable self-restraint by not going all out, and even purchased a cake. Jace, who'd made genuine effort to get along with Magnus lately, was also waiting for them. It was the perfect little celebration for the four of them. Alec stored every second of it to memory for the darker days when he'd need something to hold on to.

The tiny party marked the beginning of his second life.

/

One Year Later

/

It had been a long, difficult and far too often a painful year. Healing from a point where one wanted to die... It wasn't easy. Nor was it easy for two people who'd been broken as badly as Alec and Magnus to start their relationship again.

But with the aid of therapy, attended to together and separately, medication, Alec's siblings and Magnus' friends they made it. Perhaps not stronger than ever before but surer of their love, their future and what they wanted than ever before. And eventually they decided to honor the one-year milestone with a beach vacation, unashamed of the scars life had given their bodies.

Even better, they found a small, secluded beach no other tourist had discovered. Where no one would ogle at them and judge. Where nothing else but the two of them and the stunning environment seemed to exist.

Lay on warm, soft sand with his eyes closed, Alec produced a blissed-out sigh. "You know what? I vote we stay here forever."

Magnus giggled. (Alec hadn't realized how much he'd missed that genuine, uncontrollable happy sound until he heard it for the first time in years a few months before their vacation.) "I'm afraid we have to go back eventually." Magnus kissed his cheek. Which was nowhere near enough so Alec turned his head to kiss the other's lips instead. They looked into each other's eyes, basking in the sense of belonging and peace that was once stolen from them. (Never again.) "But you can have me for the rest of your life. How does that sound?"

Alec smiled so widely it hurt a little. And pulled Magnus on top of him, intending to never let go again. "Perfect."