I Could Hold You For A Million Years by alxclightwood
The realisation that a hollow day was in full swing occurred to Alec at precisely 1:54pm, nearing the end of a downworld cabinet meeting.
Until this point, he couldn't put his finger on what exactly was wrong. He knew his day had felt… off since the moment he'd opened his eyes, and the shrill of his alarm was a bit too tinny for his liking. Little things had been niggling him all day, like the fact that there was no milk for his cereal, and the coffee shop he usually stopped at on his way to the Institute was closed for refurbishments. The fact that the moment he settled in his office, he received reports of a patrol that had gone wrong last night, landing two young shadowhunters in the infirmary. Having to push back his cabinet meeting an hour to deal with an unexpected demon attack since all other personnel were injured, on patrol, training or in Idris.
Of course, he was trying his best to pay attention to what the council members were saying, already feeling guilty about changing their plans last minute, but it all sounded like static to him. The only noise his head could pinpoint was the influx of new trainee Shadowhunter children who had just arrived at the Institute on placement, chattering and laughing at the idea of new surroundings, new friends. He knew he should be happy really that he was going to have such an enthusiastic bunch of young Shadowhunters under his belt, under his guide, but it was as the thought passed through his head that all he wanted was to shout at them to shut up that it clicked.
"Anyway, I need to be on my way as I'm meeting with the other New York pack leaders at 2:15, and I'm already cutting it close," Luke rounded off as Alec blinked a couple times, nodding his agreement.
"Yes, absolutely, apologies if that's because of our delayed start," Alec responded, standing up to shake Luke's hand, the other leaders clearly agreeing that finished off today's meeting nicely.
"No worries Alec, I'll just blame it on New York traffic, you know what it's like," he chuckled, letting him know there were no hostile feelings there before promptly leaving. Before he knew it, he had exchanged pleasantries with everybody until it was just him and Magnus left in the meeting room.
"You okay?" Magnus asked tentatively, stepping a bit closer to his husband, knowing him too well to have not picked up on his eyes darting around the room, his foot tapping consistently under the table the entire meeting, or the hand he had run through his head at least five times since Magnus had been in his presence in the last hour.
Alec contemplated his options for a moment, considering telling Magnus about the realisation he had had during the meeting before the sound of children getting impatient forced him back to reality. They were waiting with Jace for him to make an appearance and introduce them to the New York Institute, and whilst he was sure Jace was doing a great job at being entertaining for them, children don't take long to get restless.
He looked around the room, making sure nobody was around before stepping into Magnus' space and wrapping his arms tightly around him. Instinctively, Magnus' arms came up to hold him close, resting a hand gently on the back of his head, stroking the hair there calmingly. He said nothing, waiting for Alec to speak up. He didn't until he pulled away, putting a professional amount of distance between them, despite knowing that there weren't many people under his command who weren't used to him and Magnus being together at this point. Any that did care, he couldn't say he really cared for their opinion.
"Are you gonna be around later tonight?" He murmured, not raising his voice more than he had to.
"I've got an appointment with a client around dinnertime, but I can reschedule," Magnus replied, and Alec could've sworn his heart would melt at the idea that he was willing to change his plans if Alec was even remotely under the weather.
"No, no, don't do that. I'll wait for you for dinner if I'm done before you then?" Magnus nodded his agreement, giving a little smirk as they both heard one of the children shout "We're going to get a live demo from THE Alec Lightwood and Jace Herondale?!" followed by cheers. Alec could only roll his eyes, wondering what Jace had roped him into as he quickly pressed a kiss to Magnus' lips before beginning to walk away.
"Make sure you wow them darling," Magnus teased as Alec spun around to face him again, slowly walking backwards with a small smile on his face.
"Of course," he chuckled before adding, "Italian for dinner?"
A look of recognition crossed Magnus' face as he nodded in understanding. Alec spun around and left the room before Magnus could object, bringing him face to face with a group of fifteen children, and a laughing Jace.
"Now, who said anything about a demo from us? We're getting old and weary y'know," He interrupted their chatter, receiving a cheer that couldn't help but put a smile on his face despite the volume.
"Hey, speak for yourself! I'm still in my prime thank you," Jace objected, flexing to make a point as Alec swatted him over the head with his folder of cabinet meeting notes.
"Of course you are," He joked, messing up his hair before getting down to business.
As predicted, he made it home before Magnus that evening. As the day wore on, with the knowledge of what thoughts and irritability he would be facing until he managed to sleep for a while, he could feel his patience fraying twice as quickly as it usually did.
He made the effort to put a good front up as he gave the children their tour, assigned bedrooms to designated pairs, handed out schedules to each of them with their training classes and gave the long awaited training demo with Jace. He knew that no matter what he was personally dealing with, these excited children did not deserve to have it taken out on them. He'd been the victim of that too many times to count from his own parents, and he'd be damned if he ever made another child feel the way he felt when his parents took their emotions out on him.
He had handed control of the command centre over to Jace for the afternoon after that, dedicating the rest of his afternoon to tying up loose ends, sending emails, and filling out endless patrol reports. He knew it would be unfair to reschedule the review sessions he had with two newer Shadowhunters, Alice and Margot, both who were due their three month performance review with him. He was almost thankful they were both older, at 16 and 17 respectively, meaning they were less likely to have the teenager attitude and defensiveness everyone got at that sort of age. So reluctantly, he forced himself to conduct both reviews, pushed his own thoughts aside for another hour until Margot closed the door, a smile on her face with his praise and he sunk back into his chair, closing his eyes.
He knew he had passed his limit nearly an hour and a half ago, and that meant he was liable to snap at anything that went wrong, or anyone who even looked at him for more than half a second.
He knew that was his cue to go home.
He quickly let Jace and Izzy know he was leaving for the evening, subtly pulling Jace to one side and asking him not to contact him about work unless it was urgent for this evening. A silent understanding passed between them as Jace patted his shoulder, agreeing that everything would be fine and to go home.
This was how he found himself alone in their apartment at 6:30pm, standing in the entryway not quite knowing what to do with himself. He knew he was waiting for dinner with Magnus later, which wasn't much of an issue anyway as his appetite had disappeared completely since the breakfast he had forced down this morning, before he knew it would be one of those days.
He could take a shower, but every part of his body protested against that, the idea draining what little energy remained in his body. He could watch a tv show, but that required too much focus. He could go up to the rooftop, practice his archery, but he flinched at the idea, knowing that could go south too quickly if he zoned out. He had promised Magnus he wouldn't resort to archery or training when he felt out of sorts, and he didn't intend to break that promise.
After stumbling through too many ideas of things to do and not settling on a single one, he wandered into the living room, catching sight of his headphones tucked away on the tv unit. He'd never cared much for music until he had met Magnus, considering it too mundane to be worth his time. But after one particularly bad night, after he had started letting Magnus be there with him on those nights, he had suggested Alec tried listening to music, to take his mind off things and especially to block off the outside world when it was too loud. He had agreed, on the basis that Magnus made him a playlist of somewhere to start, to test the waters.
He still had that playlist.
With no better suggestions arising in his head, he grabbed the headphones and put them over his head, instantly breathing a sigh of relief as they made the world around him go silent. He turned them on and clicked play on the playlist, settling himself on the living room floor without so much as taking off his shoes, closing his eyes and letting the music wash over him.
He didn't know how long it was before he opened his eyes to see Magnus quietly plating up an Italian takeaway on two plates in the kitchen, seemingly unaware that Alec had opened his eyes. He shuffled a bit, rubbing his eyes with his fist and propping himself up on his elbows, catching Magnus' attention as he moved. He didn't make any attempt to speak, knowing if his headphones were on, there was no way Alec could hear him, just offering a small smile and holding up a mug of tea in offer.
Alec couldn't help but give him a small smile, letting his song play til the end before pausing the music and pulling the headphones down to rest around his neck.
"Tough day?" Magnus asked as Alec slowly got up and approached him in the kitchen, sitting on one of the barstools opposite him.
"Something like that," he agreed, thanking Magnus as he slid a plate of pasta towards him, coming to sit beside him with his own pasta dish. Their knees touched under the counter, just enough contact for Alec to know he wasn't alone.
"Did you want to talk about it?"
"Don't know what there is to say to be honest," He shrugged, loading up his fork. "Just an Italian dinner kind of day I suppose."
A few months into their relationship, they devised a system of sorts to determine when one of them was having a bad day, and what sort of bad day it was. A Mexican dinner day was a day of anxiety, of self doubt, of self loathing. A broth dinner day was a day for physical sickness. A Spanish dinner day was a day of sadness, of depression and a gut wrenching loneliness. A Thai dinner day was a day of anger, of being pissed off to a point where it boils over. And an Italian dinner day was a day of emptiness, of numbness, a day of feeling like every small movement was using the very last drops in your energy tank.
It certainly worked well for them, sorting out dinner and the basics of bad days all in one easy sentence.
"In the cabinet meeting this afternoon," He continued after a couple of minutes of eating quietly, knowing Magnus was giving him the space to say whatever was on his mind. "That's when I clocked it, until then I just thought I'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed."
"Yeah I noticed something changed in you in the last bit of that meeting," Magnus commented, resting his hand gently on top of Alec's. "I didn't want to bring it up in front of everybody else, it's hard to explain sometimes."
"Yeah," He agreed. "Nothing caused it I don't think, I just want to sleep but I feel too keyed up to get anywhere close to sleep."
"Maybe a walk might help burn off some of that restless energy? It's a nice evening out," Magnus suggested as Alec shook his head.
"My legs feel a bit like jello to be honest," He admitted quietly, "I think the best thing I can do is just do what I was doing earlier and wait for my brain to tire itself out."
"Okay, but let's squeeze a bath and a change of clothes into that plan first, yeah?" Magnus replied as Alec reluctantly nodded, unsure if he could be truly bothered to stand up that long. "I could do with a bath anyway so if you don't mind sharing, I can wash your hair for you, you've just got to lie there darling."
He nodded again at the suggestion, squeezing his hand silently as thanks for knowing exactly what Alec's aversion to the suggestion was. Sometimes he thought Magnus knew him even better than he knew himself.
They had refined these dinner evenings down to a fine art at this point, to the point where they were nearly foolproof. Of course, there was the occasional anomalous evening where their usual routines didn't work, and they had to try another course of action, but thankfully this was an evening that Alec's body responded well to.
Sitting on their bed as he watched Magnus run their bath, adding various products for scent and bubbles and silky smooth water, putting music on to fill the silence and dimming the lights so they weren't too harsh on his eyes. Putting a protective spell over the whole apartment to block out any unnecessary outside noise, helping him strip off his Institute suit, loosening his tie and shirt buttons expertly. Letting Alec rest against his back in the bath, gently and slowly washing his hair with his sandalwood shampoo as if he was a young child again. Blow drying his hair with his hairdryer, brushing out the wavy black hair as he dried it, letting the warm air envelope his head, making his eyes droop in exhaustion.
Eventually, he returned his headphones back to their position around his neck as he crawled into their spacious bed, noting the fresh sheets Magnus must've changed after the cabinet meeting, anticipating an evening like this. He scrunched his face up slightly when Magnus returned to their bedroom, pushing their door closed until it was only slightly ajar, joining him in the bed.
"Early night for you," Alec commented, as Magnus shrugged and settled beside him, pulling Alec into his arms.
"Where else would I want to be other than in bed with you?" He casually said, watching as Alec selected a different playlist, a longer one Magnus had made him specifically for his sleepless nights.
"Do you mind if I put a tv show on quietly?" Magnus murmured in his ear as they both made themselves comfortable. Alec shook his head, smiling as Magnus pressed a gentle kiss to his nose in lieu of thanks, grabbing the tv remote from his bedside table to flick through Netflix.
"I love you," Alec murmured as Magnus began stroking his freshly washed hair, brushing the few stray strands off his forehead.
"I love you too Alexander," he replied before gently shuffling Alec's headphones over his ears so he didn't have to move. He watched as his music began to play, as he watched the TV show Magnus had started soundlessly, as his eyes slowly began to droop shut under the soothing repetitive actions of Magnus' hands caressing various parts of him.
As Alec slowly felt his brain slip into silence, he couldn't help but thank his lucky stars that he had been graced with someone like Magnus in his life to go through all kinds of dinner days with him.