Safe in My Amrs by orphan_account
Magnus couldn't breathe.
His chest constricted painfully, forcing Magnus to crumple to the kitchen floor. Ragnor, I'm so sorry, if it weren't for that goddamn mission you would still be alive and breathing. It was all my fault. I couldn't save you. You died because of me - sobs wretched out of Magnus. It felt as if his heart was being pulled out. He leaned against the wall, head in his hands. Tears streamed down his face like waterfalls, ruining his make up; but Magnus didn't care. The last thing he cared about at the moment was his appearance.
A wave of memories washed over him - Ragnor, making a snarky remark about Magnus's fashion taste; Ragnor, complaining about the quality of earl grey tea; Ragnor, lying cold and lifeless on the floor, his head lolling back in Magnus's shaking hands, and his empty eyes glazed.
Magnus cried for what felt like hours, making him sick to his stomach, when he noticed a shiny object lying on the counter - a knife. Without thinking, he got up, legs unsteady beneath him, and grabbed the object. His mind felt crystal clear all of a sudden. He knew what he needed to do. He bent over the sink, exposing his wrist, and dragged the blade over the fragile skin.
Release.
The blood immediately began pouring, contrasting against the white marble sink. In a way, it was beautiful - a sick, twisted beauty of watching blood drip, and with it all the emotions of the evening released.
Magnus felt like he could finally breathe.
Again.
He wanted to feel that release, again, despite the sharp sting that followed.
He lifted the knife, his hands no longer shaking. As he was about to press down the blade, he heard the sound of a door opening.
Alec.
He dropped the knife, making a loud clang as it hit the sink. Magnus whipped his neck up, eyes suddenly aware of every detail in his loft.
There by the front door stood Alec - his hair dripping wet from the rain, and eyes filled with horror. He gasped, and immediately ran towards Magnus. Alec knew that Ragnor's death hit Magnus hard, but he never could have imagined his boyfriend leaning over the sink, red-stained knife in hand, blood dripping from a cut on his wrist.
Magnus tried to hide his hands behind his back, pretending that nothing happened.
"Magnus, are- are you ok?" Alec ran up to Magnus and placed his hands gently on Magnus's arms. Magnus's eyes were bloodshot, and his make up was smeared across his tired face. Magnus avoided Alec's concerned stare, looking at the floor instead.
Alec noticed the blood in the sink, and moved his shaky hands down Magnus's arms, drawing out his wrists.
By the Angel.
Alec's breath caught in his throat as he saw the smeared blood on his boyfriend's wrist. Magnus snapped his hands away from Alec and broke down into sobs, ashamed that Alec saw him at his lowest. He half expected Alec to back away and get out of the loft, away from the pathetic excuse of a human being named Magnus.
"Magnus, its- its okay. You're safe here," Alec said. Magnus got to the floor and leaned against the cabinet, head tilting back. Ugly sounds escaped from Magnus's mouth. Alec leaned down and hugged Magnus, being as gentle as possible, and Magnus in turn placed his head in the crook of Alec's neck. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, staining the nephilim's shirt with blood.
They stayed like that for a long time, Magnus's sobs getting quieter and quieter until he was taking normal breaths. Alec felt Magnus's now-calm heart beat at a regular pace against his chest.
At last, Alec slowly pulled back, remembering the wound that needed healing. He took Magnus's hands in his and flipped them over, exposing Magnus's harmed wrists. Magnus cringed away from his hands, shutting his eyes as hard as he can. The bleeding stopped, but there was still a lot of dried blood.
Alec got up and went to the bathroom, bringing one wet and one dry towel. He kneeled down and began wiping away the mess as gently as he could. All the while, Magnus avoided eye contact, only sometimes glancing up at Alec.
Neither of them have spoken since Alec arrived to the loft, creating some tension. Finally, Alec spoke.
"I could- uh, call Catarina so that she can- uh, heal you," Alec suggested. Magnus looked up.
"No, no that's not necessary," Magnus said, his voice painfully raspy. He cleared his throat, which felt awfully raw. Alec furrowed his brows.
"But- but you're bleeding," Alec said, suggesting the wounds from which a small amount of blood still trickled. "Magnus, you could d- die from blood loss." His voice cracked. Magnus sighed and waved his hand right hand over his left, emitting a trail of blue fog. The cuts quickly healed themselves, leaving faint white scars on Magnus's wrist.
"Look, I know that Ragnor was one of your closest friends," said Alec. "And I want to help you through this, ok? You're safe here." Alec placed his hand on Magnus's cheek and rubbed small circles with his thumb. He leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on Magnus's forehead, trying his best to soothe away the hurt and sadness.
"I just want you to know that- that no matter what, I will always love and support you," Alec's gaze was stern yet caring. He wrapped his arms around Magnus's neck, leaning into a hug, and whispered, "I love you."
Magnus's heart shattered into a million pieces like glass.
"I love you too." Magnus's eyes filled with burning tears, making wet trails down his cheeks. At that moment, he knew - his heart belonged to Alexander Lightwood.