I present to you a new fic! hope you like it. This is an attempt to get out of the annoying writer's block I've been struggling with lately (for those who follow my other fic: "The gift of Loki", don't worry, it's still my first priority hehe)

This is a subject that I have wanted to write about for a long time and my muse simply demanded that I do it now. This is a story that is not happy, but not completely sad either. It talks about the experience of abuse and the shame and silence that covers it all, but it also talks about overcoming and the path that one must travel to recovery.

It's a story that, in my opinion, deserves to be told.

Warnings:
This is a fic that deals with some pretty heavy topics and that means that it might be triggering. If you are uncomfortable with the topics of sexual assault or child abuse, this may not be the fic for you.
This is not a story meant to glorify anything to do with abuse or any of the topics mentioned in the tags.
No explicit sex scenes, but it's all implied pretty heavily.

To keep in mind before reading this story:
Loki has the equivalent of about 16 human years.
This happens before any of the Thor movies.
I am not a native speaker so any typo errors are entirely mine.

That said, enjoy the read

Chapter 1: What lies beneath the surface

"Come on brother. You need to move" Thor told him.

"You need to move," a deep voice repeated in his head, quiet and calm.

Loki snapped out of his reverie. He stared. Blinked. Shoved the voice into the back of his head to deal with later.

Thor was still in an attack pose. Judging from his look, it was Loki's turn to attack, but he must have stopped paying attention at some was it so hard to stay focused lately?

"I am a little tired. Let's stop here."

"Okay…" Thor said slowly, and judging by the way he was looking at him, he was at least a little concerned. It was a strange expression to see on the ever-cheerful face of his brother. He must not have sounded okay. He had to be more careful from now on.

Thor doesn't say anything, and he was grateful. Really. Mostly, at least. He still hadn't prepared the lie he would tell when Thor finally summoned the courage to ask him what was wrong.

A traitorous voice in his head asked him if he shouldn't tell him and end this once and for all. Get that truth out of his chest that was suffocating him, every day eating away one more part of his being. But he couldn't. He wasn't so pathetic as to confess just because he needed some comfort. And besides, he couldn't even imagine the look Thor would give him if he ever found out that...

"No, no." This was not the time to think about that. He wouldn't dwell upon what Balder had done to him. To do so would invite the madness that that beast had inflicted him with, and Loki needed all of his wits about him if he was ever to navigate through the tangled mess that he found himself in.

Loki walked away from the training ground while Thor went off to do whatever he normally did.

He was fine.

Loki was not okay.

He knew this logically. People who were okay didn't wake up every two hours exactly to make sure no one else was near them. People who were okay didn't avoid being touched unless it was in the middle of a fight. People who were okay weren't afraid of their own brother.

Loki knew he wasn't being rational, but every time he looked at Thor, he couldn't help but have his mind compare him to Balder. They were so similar that anyone could mistake them for brothers, instead of simple cousins.

His subconscious apparently didn't notice the difference, because he couldn't stop the hint of panic in his chest every time Thor caught him off guard and sneak up on him from behind, or the feeling that his heart was going to leap out of his chest when, despite his most ingenious plans to avoid it, Thor managed to find him in his hiding places.

Out of reflex, Loki woke up every two hours on the dot to make sure no one came to close while he slept. It's was not healthy, but it allowed him to sleep more than three hours a night without being consumed by nightmares.

He hated being touched. It was not like this in the past. To show his affection, Thor often used to clasp his neck or pat him on the back. While Loki used to think it was somewhat annoying, now it was unbearable. With every touch, his skin tingled like he was being burned.

The last time Thor had tried, Loki had reacted so badly that he had tried to stab him. After that, Thor hadn't tried to get close again

Fine, that was fine.

"I don't need you! I don't need anyone!"He wanted to yell at him.

It was numbing anger, an anger that painted well over the feelings of despair and isolation that Balder had left him with. The anger flooded him and welcomed him, consuming him greedily. He could do something with anger. He had no use for hopelessness, shame, depression, and despair. He didn't need anything, he didn't need anyone.

A storm from behind, an impact. Loki sucked in the air around him in a great rush. He couldn't breathe. Rage was turning the air to a heavy stone. He couldn't hear. There was something in his eyes. The pain was in his eyes. He wanted to close his eyelids but they didn't respond. His face was pressed against a wall. Something was in his eyes, something is coiling around his wrists, something alive, something terrible. There were words, but he couldn't hear them. He moved erratically, struggling. There was a foul odor. His body was on fire from inside. His blood was rushing as if trying to escape. He could only hear movement. There was no air. All strength was leaving him. Who was screaming? He did not know. He couldn't breathe. Now he heard the words: "I waited so long for this. I waited so long to have you by my side."

Now the air was reaching his lungs. He was prey, gasping for air, looking for any means to live. He felt something hard press against his back. He knew what it was.

There was a thought: "So this is Death."

In the middle of the night, a guard knocked on his door. He had come to announce that Odin summoned him.

When he got to the throne room, he realized that Thor was there too.

Odin approached them. He stared at them for a long time sternly and then he paced back and forth as if he were sizing up a row of especially rebellious soldiers.

His father stood in front of him and leaned his face close to his, so close that he could feel his breath. He took a deep breath through his nose and forced himself to look him directly in the eye.

Loki wondered briefly what he was looking for, and kept his expression blank just in case.

"As you well know, Balder is still missing," Odin said abruptly, pulling away so he could look at them both.

Loki's heart pounded in his chest but his face remained calm.

"Freyja is very nervous. She has searched everywhere for him. Do you know what it was like to tell her that her own son has disappeared here in Asgard? Under my care?"

He didn't say anything, didn't dare say anything. Thor remained silent beside him as well.

"You don't know anything about it, right? Isn't there something you want to tell me?"

"Father!" Thor said outraged. "Of course not! If we knew something, we would have already reported it. We want to find Balder as much as anyone, don't we, Loki?"

Odin was looking at him now.

"Of course. We will do everything in our power to find his whereabouts."

His father was silent but his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Thor, Balder spent a great amount of time with you and your friends. Didn't he say anything suspicious to you before he disappeared?"

"No, father. He behaved like always. I remember that my friends and I went into town for a few shots of mead. Balder joined us and we had a great time, but he left early, something about pending chores. I didn't see him anymore after that. "

"And what about you, Loki?"

He swallowed before answering. He feared that his voice would betray him but it came out calm and smooth.

Why would someone so full of virtue even want to interact with me? There could not be two more contrary people. He who is the golden boy of the gods wouldn't stop to talk to the liesmith".

"That's not true Loki, Balder appreciates you, he always speaks well of you," Thor said.

"Ha. Yes, I bet he does."

"There have been a lot of mysterious disappearances lately. First Sigyn and now Balder" Odin said.

And at the sudden mention of Sigyn, his heart contracted painfully.

His father's eyebrows narrowed faintly in concern as he looked at him "Loki, I know he was your friend. We must not lose hope, I am sure that we will find more clues that will guide us to his whereabouts."

He obligated himself to control his features and nodded slightly.

Odin looked at them both, scrutinizing them with piercing eyes. After what seemed like a long time, his posture finally relaxed.

"Well, if you're both willing, I want you to help me with the investigation."

"Yes father, of course," Thor said solemnly "Count on us."

Loki lowered his head. He hoped that, in the eyes of his father, he seemed as if he was making a promise.

"We are going to help aunt Freyja in whatever way we can so she can find her son."

"You can retreat," Odin said and when Loki left, he felt his insistent and heavy gaze pressing against his back.

"I hope Balder is okay." Thor said worriedly, as they walked through the castle corridor "I promise that we will not rest until we search every corner of Asgard. We're going to find him, that's for sure."

"Yes, I hope so too. I'm sure it will be so."

"Does it matter? You're never going to find him"Loki thought and a laugh choked in his throat

He didn't sleep that night.

"Come on," said Balder. "Now do that again."

Loki didn't move.

"Do you want it to be your mother's turn? Do you want Frigga to end up like Sigyn? You know I could do it. You know I have the power and no one would suspect me, the golden boy of the gods."

"I'm going to kill you. Someday I'm going to destroy you." His voice was brimming with hatred.

Balder laughed.

"Oh, Loki, my dear trickster. You know you will never get rid of me"

His mother disquieted him too, but in a different way than Thor did.

She seemed to feel that something was wrong. She had approached him several times to ask if he was okay. She was concerned about his health and surprised at his sudden change in attitude.

Loki was aware that he looked sick. There were dark hollows around his eyes and under his cheekbones. There was something haggard in his eyes and too tight around the corners of his mouth. It didn't surprise him that she began to feel somewhat alarmed.

(You are a shadow. There is nothing left in you at all. You are empty and hollowed out save for a cold dark knot in the center of your chest. As if it were a black hole that eats everything that remains of your being)

When Frigga spoke to him, she was kind and patient. She didn't pressure him. She told him that he could count on her and yet... and yet... he had begun to avoid her

Loki couldn't talk to her. Every time he was in her presence, he felt that he was deceiving her. He just wasn't the son she knew anymore

Frigga didn't know the innocent fool that was her youngest son died when that monster stole his naivety and happiness.

The Dark Prince was dead. Had been for a long time. Loki Odinson had ceased to exist.

His mother didn't know what he had done, the kind of person he had become. He was insane. A puppet. A plaything. A burden. A shame. And she was perfect, a being full of light. How was it possible for him to even stay by her side?

She had taught him All Speak. How to walk, how to run, how to use a bow and arrow. How to call the magic of the universe to him, how to make it dance.

And yet a part of him wondered if all that love was truly unconditional. Would she still love him if she knew the truth? What would he find in her expression? Anger? Maybe revulsion? Or even worse, pity?

And maybe that was what he wanted, perhaps even what he needed... Anything was better than pretending that this had never happened. Any reaction would be better than the apathy he felt day after day.

Loki pushed that thought away with something approaching savagery. He wasn't quite so pathetic as that. Surely.

Frigga always said that she shared a special connection with him, but if that were true, why did she never realize what was going on? Didn't she suspect? Didn't she feel his soul being ripped apart over and over again?

Sticky sheets and no one in the room and no one heard him scream after it started. Why was nobody coming? Why didn't anyone stop him? Why no one helped him? He wasn't supposed to go through this and oh Norns, oh Norns, oh Norns. Stop it. Get away. Just take it."

She claimed to love him but how could she remain ignorant of his suffering? Why didn't she do anything to protect him?

"How do you always know what makes me feel good?"

Loki swallows hard. He doesn't say anything

Loki dreamed of smells and voices. He hadn't dreamed in any other way for a long time. He didn't dream often either, but when he did, it was always aboutthosemoments. The sound and the smell would probably never leave him.

Most of the time Loki was… fine. Or at least he pretended to be. The reality was, he hadn't been well in a long time and he didn't think he would ever be again.

The others, even the Warriors Three, left him alone most of the time. They never asked questions. It made it easier to pretend he was okay.

Sif was the only one who hadn't wanted to let the matter go. She insisted on telling him that he was changed, she pressured him to tell her what was wrong, or she directly accused him saying that he was up to something. Loki had even threatened to cut her hair again, but not even with that, she had given up on her endless tirade of nonsense. In the end, he had decided to just ignore her.

He was aware that he had become someone different, more withdrawn. He spent most of his time in the castle library and had declined every invitation to adventure his brother had proposed. He had completely given up on the mischief that had once filled him with joy. Now he just found it pointless. Why shouldn't he? His only friend, his accomplice, and trickster partner, was no longer in this world.

Sigyn…. It had been so long since his disappearance that people already assumed he was dead. Of course, he always knew that was the case. After all, Balder himself had confessed his murder.

People thought that Balder was dead too, and that… Loki knew for sure because it was his own hands that extinguished his life.

"Huh, and to think that in the end, mistletoe had been what destroyed him..." He said in a whisper, in the solitude of his room.

In the end, he had won. He had gotten his revenge. What else could he want? (What else could he want, indeed?)

It was minutes to breakfast but Loki didn't show up to eat. In the courtyard, he had found a field mouse. He sidled up and took it in his hands. The animal began to struggle on his right hand.

He watched it. Its tail and several legs dangled loosely between his fingers, thrashing from time to time. From the confines of his palm, he could hear the frantic squeaking of the mouse.

"Shut up" Loki muttered. He didn't know why the sound bothered him so much but it was all he could hear. It was persistent and unbearable.

"How it squeals..." he tightened his hand and the mouse's cries got louder. "How it creaks." His eyes weren't focused and his voice sounded hollow and dead.

Loki realized why it was that he hated that sound. He gasped and his body began to shake "Sounds just like my door, opening ever so slowly at night" he said quietly.

He opened his hand and the mouse escaped, getting lost in the foliage.

Loki looked at his empty palm. He could feel the anger building again. He closed and spread his fingers. He wanted to hurt something. Himself, if nothing else was available. He wanted to set everything on fire and then throw himself in because he could never satisfy this hatred that was eating him alive.

Hate, everything always came down to hate, didn't it?

Thor was no longer trying to get closer to him like before and that was fine. Now there was a great bridge that separated them. Loki couldn't even imagine Thor going through the same thing as him.

(Of course not, he would never be that weak. Something like this could never happen to the perfect Thor).

"¿Thor…?"

"¿hmm….?"

"I wanted to tell you something…"

"Tell me what?" Thor asked absently. He wasn't looking at him.

"Nevermind…"

Thor snorted.

"Brother, who would have thought that the day would come when I would see you so indecisive."

Loki frowned.

"Tell me this, Thor, what do you think of Balder?" He blurted out.

"Balder?" Thor said with a laugh "He is amazing, of course. You wouldn't believe the number of heroic deeds he has done. He is very modest, so it took me a lot of effort to convince him to talk about it, but the stories are amazing! He is strong, noble, and courageous. A very good friend too."

Loki couldn't take it anymore.

"Balder the brave!" He spat with sudden vehemence. "Balder the Beautiful! To whom the birds sing and the trees bend their shady branches! He leads a charmed and spotless life, doesn't he? Even now, the dolts in the mead hall shower him in praise. Who could think that he is actually an impostor? A monster!"

"Loki! Don't talk about Balder like that. I know you don't like him, but you could at least make an effort to get along with him. What has he done to you to earn such resentment? Don't tell me you're jealous."

He wanted to laugh, laugh, and laugh. But he knew that if he started, he couldn't stop until the pain opened its jaws and swallowed him whole like a wolf swallowing the sun.

"Mother and father expect us to be good hosts. They would be very disappointed if they knew what you just said."

Loki didn't look at him.

"Yes... very disappointed."

And that's all he could get out before he started to break down inside.

Sif tried to touch him suddenly and Loki panicked. He pushed her hard to the side.

She landed on the ground with a thump. Her eyes were wide, filled with emotion and confusion. She got up quickly, but before she said anything, Loki had already turned around and bolted

He couldn't handle this.

"Don't you want to be loved? You know I love you".

Loki knew this wasn't love. It couldn't be, right?

"It's okay. I'll always be here for you."

"Loki"

Sif found him a few hours later. He was sitting on the edges of a river, a ways off from the palace. occasionally, he would toss small pebbles into the water.

Loki glances up

"Lady Sif," he said in greeting. "To what do I owe the pleasure? Anyone would think that after what happened, you wouldn't want to get close to me again."

"I know it was an accident."

Loki raised an eyebrow.

"Is that so? Don't you think I enjoy your pain? seeing you humbled? That I'm not glad to have you at my feet? " He wanted to provoke her. He wanted very much for her to leave.

"Loki, I know you. This is not you. You're not acting like yourself." Irritation finally found her tone.

"And how do you know that this is not my true personality? We are not friends. You know nothing about me".

"We used to be friends before."

"I notice you've made correct use of the past tense."

"Why are you acting like this?" Sif's irritation quickly dissolved into a familiar hostility. "You do nothing but drive people away. You treat others so poorly. You lash out with your banter and quips and seek to use your words to shame. You were always a trickster but now I notice a certain degree of malice in you. It's like you have a deep hatred against everything and everyone. what's going on?"

Loki didn't say anything.

Was it so obvious? Was he such an open wound that anyone at all could look at him and see the wreckage of him strewn like grotesque petals?

Sif took a deep breath and then, after a moment, sat down on the ground beside him.

He looked at her in surprise but refused to point out the sudden change in her attitude.

Loki decided to ignore her, so he fixed his eyes towards the water. His expression revealed absolutely nothing of what might be going on inside him, beneath the surface. He looked like nothing so much as an impenetrable sculpture poured from iron or maybe solid steel; unmovable, unimpeachable, untouchable.

"I'm sorry about Sigyn," she said, after a few moments of silence.

That caught him off guard. Loki couldn't even fathom what to say to that. And even if he had the answer, at that moment a lump blocked his throat, rendering all speech impossible.

Sigyn… He was his friend, he was… something else. He didn't deserve what happened to him.

Loss… grief… Was he ever going to stop feeling this way? The loss was loss and grief was an agony that would always remain. Time healed all wounds, but it leaves ugly scars that tore flesh and soul. great keloid twisted scars that forced the body to shrink into a perverted shape. It covered the eyes with a film of misery so that the world could never be seen as it was ever again.

"I thank you for your condolences," Loki said at last. He was able to keep his tone even.

"I'm sorry we were never able to find the culprit."

He almost flinched. He felt as if he had been stabbed. There was a sharp pain beneath his breast and for a moment he found it hard to breathe. Those words added to the heaviness that continually grew in his heart.

It was no longer necessary to find the culprit becausehewas it. It was all Loki's fault. Sigyn's death happened because he found out the truth, what Balder was doing to him. His friend wanted to help him, but he ended up paying the price for his own sins.

"Loki," she said, snapping him out of his reverie. She was very careful not to touch him. Thor says you have trouble talking to him and I know he worries about you. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who is not that close to you, so I just wanted to tell you that you can come to me. You don't have to tell me, but I'll listen if you ever want to… talk."

A breathless laugh nearly escaped his lips. No one ever told him that before. Not even his mother.

A part of him really wanted to talk. It was as if the words had been waiting for a chance to burst out.

But who would believe his word? Who ever... Loki exhaled a few short breaths.

"It's your word against mine. Everyone thinks that I am faultless, an ode to everything good that exists, while you… You are only the trickster, the liesmith."

No. He couldn't do it. Loki knew that Sif had good intentions, but he was also aware that she could never understand.

At first, I screamed so much every time, but no one ever came;he didn't say. The quieter I was, the faster he finished;he didn't say. Eventually, it became a regular occurrence;he didn't say. He'd just come to my room when everyone was asleep,he didn't say. I gave up after a while, I stopped fighting;he did not say.

"I don't..." Loki gulped "Thank you Lady Sif, I appreciate your offer, but I wouldn't want to burden you with my problems," he replied in a low and deep voice.

Ah! You are insufferable! Just, it's not a burden. I just want you to know that it's okay. I'm… I want to help you if you ever need someone to listen"

It will stay between us;she did not say.

But Loki still heard it loud and clear.

It was far from being a smile, but he felt a corner of his lips twitching ever so slightly upwards.

He wasn't ready, but maybe he would be, someday...

They sat by the river for a very long time.

That night Loki slept without waking up even once. He did not dream of anything.

Loki was not okay.

But he was strong, a survivor. He would come through, he always had.

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Thanks for reading to the end! Any comment is greatly appreciated!

Some notes about this fic:

• Before Balder, I picture that Loki and Sigyn's relationship was similar to that of the twin Weasley brothers. Very close, almost like brothers and making mischief and jokes everywhere

• By way of warning, I must tell you that I am the slowest writer on earth and my first priority is another fic I'm working on called "The gift of Loki"

If you are interested in reading it, check my profile page

• The title of this fic is inspired by the song "Luka" by Suzanne Vega. If you have not heard it, I recommend that you do so, It's a great song! and I think it's really heartbreaking how it talks about abuse and the silence that surrounds it.

Despite what the title of this fic says, please always ask what it was! There are a lot of Lukas and Lokis, and breaking the silence is one of the hardest things to do for someone who has been through abuse, I say that from experience. Abuse can take many forms, it can be psychological, physical, sexual, among others, but always talking about it, breaking the secret, helps to heal. The truth can set you free