What are first chapters normally called, I dunno, something naff like New Beginnings but as it's Sonic lets add in an egg pun and call it New B-EGG-Innings

Chapter by Eddie O'Keeffe

It was a beautiful day in … wherever Sonic lives. Let's say Mobius. Somewhere in Mobius. It was with immediate hindsight that Eddie realised LT should have written the first chapter, as he has a much better understanding of the Sonic the Hedgehog lore, background, locations and characters. Alas, in the words of Magnus Magnusson, Peter Snow, Clive Anderson, John Humphrys and most recently Clive Myrie - I've started, so I'll finish. Did you know that Mastermind was invented based off of the creators experiences being interrogated by The Gestapo in World War II? Isn't that mental! And how often do you meet ONE person called Clive, let alone two?!

Anyway, what the fuck am I on about. This is a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction, not a place to discuss war. Sonic and World War 2 simply don't mix!

It was a beautiful day in (probably) Mobius. Sonic the Hedgehog was running as fast as he could; dodging around pedestrians, pelicans, Porker's and palm trees. As he zoomed past; shopping bags went soaring, full-feathered friends suddenly became bald and one lad pissed his pants.

"Oi, watch where you're going, ya blue bastard!", said the wet groined character who will never, ever make another appearance in this fanfic as they died of embarrassment after realising they wet themselves and everyone pointed and laughed and it was actually really unfair because they'd had incontinence issues their entire life and, yes, they could wear adult nappies (or diapers for you SICKOS) but it just wasn't very comfortable and they found it demeaning but hmm, who cares, they're dead now lmao

But what was Sonic racing towards? There was no longer any danger in Mobius. Dr. Robotnik hadn't been seen since Covid-19, and none of the other villains in the Sonic universe fucking mean anything as they're all a bunch of shit lords for cunts. In what seemed like no time at all, the fastest thing alive arrived home. He fumbled his keys into the lock and, hey presto, the door swung open! Sonic kicked off his shoes to reveal his actual shoes underneath, and ran into the next room, where he proceeded to shit his entire guts out. Metaphorically of course.

"Phew," Sonic Sez, "Chili dogs!".

He sat and scrolled on his phone, periodically pausing to squeeze out another solid. Flakes of stale bun lodged within his pooper, that weird green gunge that's only on American hot dogs stuck to his fur for some reason. They call it Relish but they should call it Absolute Fucking Sludge. Sonic sighed, shitting sloppily and sadly. Is this what The Blue Blur has been reduced to? No adventure, no mania, no colors? Well, at least Amy would be happy about the latter, Sonic thought to himself, wondering what his old friend was up to these days, as he totted out another turgid turd.

Sonic hopped off of the toilet without wiping his bum, so that canonically for the time being he has a shitty arse, and collapsed onto his sofa. His life was a mess. The gang had not officially disbanded, but since there was no danger anymore everyone had kind of just … left? Everyone except Sonic. He realised he didn't have his own niche thing. Tails likes to tinker, Knuckles likes to treasure hunt, Amy's a big racist - but Sonic realised that his whole life, his whole existence has really been tied to the same place. And for a blue hedgehog that has saved the world countless times and is the fastest living thing in the entire galaxy and yes he is a hedgehog no shut up it DOES make sense actually - this was a real kick in the spines.

A few hours passed, Sonic had fallen asleep midway through watching his favourite streamer, Shell Bee Incredibly Safe, on his marathon 31 days in a row Super Mario Month, when he awoke with a fart, a start and a shart. His phone was ringing. His blurry, sleepy vision tried to focus and see who was calling him. He couldn't believe it.

It was Doctor Robotnik.

Sonic nervously raised the phone to his ear.

"H-hello?" Sonic Sez, "Doctor Robotnik?"

"Pee pee poo poo pee pee poo poo", said Doctor Robotnik, his moustache spinning wildly

"Oh nooo. Am I dreaming again?"

"Aha, you fell right into my trap Sonic! I wanted you to THINK you were dreaming when in actual fact you weren't!" delighted Robotnik laughed, his moustache positively buzzing its tits off

"Wait a second," Sonic Sez quizzically, "If I'm not dreaming than explain something to me, Egg dick."

"Ooo hohohoho, by all means!" Doctor Robotnik chuckled, his moustache twirling so fast it hit a sweet 900 and the Tony Hawks jingle played.

"Why the heck do I have your number saved in my phone?"

A silence fills the air as logic seeps into Sonic's mind. He WAS dreaming after all. Robotnik paused for a moment, his moustache as flaccid as a Flicky on a Friday, before saying…

"...fuck it."

And he disappeared with a soft, eggy poof.

Sonic snorted himself awake. Shell Bee Incredibly Safe was gobsmacked because for absolutely no reason the game he was playing reset itself even though he did absolutely nothing wrong and it was BULLSHIT. He checked his phone - somehow two days had passed! This wasn't unusual for poor Sonic these days, but every time it happened it left him feeling empty, like he'd missed out on life and adventuring. He glanced at his phone again, despite having just checked it he had already forgotten what he was looking at, and for plot reasons his phone had not run out of battery. 69 percent. Nice.

He had forty three missed calls, over a thousand messages, and a dick pic from Vector, whose SnapChat username was VectorTheCockodileamirightlads. Sonic was bemused. Not at the massive reptile penis, he had seen it many times before, but at the sheer amount of messages he had missed. He quickly replied to Vector, saving the image and, drawing a crude face on the end of his shaft, captioned the picture - 'Nice smile :)' - before running through his call log. Tails had called him twice. Turns out the other forty one times were Sonic accidentally rolling his shitty bum on the phone and somehow calling himself. He called Tails back, who rejected his call and then requested to FaceTime with him because HE'S THAT GUY.

Sonic accepted.

END OF CHAPTER 1.