Chapter 5 - I Think It's About Time We Introduced The Bad Guys Into This Fanfic Otherwise All It's Going To Be Is A Bunch Of Loosely Connected Stories About Characters From The Sonic The Hedgehog Franchise That We Know And Love, Or Maybe Dislike I Dunno I'm Not Your Dad, Unless This Is Being Read In The Future And I Did Have Kids And You Are My Child In Which Case Why Are You Reading This It's Way Past Your Bed Time Go To Your Room For Fucks Sake, Sorry About That, You Know What It's Like - Kids! - Part 1

Chapter by Eddie O'Keeffe

Shadow set off home. He heard a buzzing noise behind, about twenty minutes into his walk back. It was the Post Ma-Drone from Tails! Holy cow, that was fast! Shadow ripped the package from its hand and, gripping Pippa Funnell 2: Farm Adventures close to his chest, thanked the drone before walking away. He hadn't been this excited since he completed Mary-Kate & Ashley: Sweet 16 - License to Drive! That was a long four months. He opened the box, his fingers trembling - oh no! The cartridge was loose and it fell out!

"Oh sweet Chaos!" Shadow shrieked, "Where's that DAMN DS Cartridge?!"

He dropped to his hands and knees, pawing at the tall grass, desperately searching. And then he heard it.

Ribbit.

"It-it can't be."

Ribbit.

"SHADOW! IS THAT YOOOOU?"

A large, wobbly figure came bounding towards him, knocking over several shy guys and girls who were all ogling Shadow from a distance. Not those kinds of shy guys! Except one. His name was Laurence! Everyone called him Loz although he wasn't really sure why. He was a good guy, had a monobrow for a short while in school, and a brother named Elliot, who was also short for a while in school and then had a growth spurt, as kids often do.

"Ughh- please! Be careful where you step. I've just lost something very important to me and it-it's not even mine! Tails will be so mad if I've lost it."

"What are you looking for, Shadow?" Big queried, his head tilted slightly to one side. But that's only because the dumbass had got peanut butter stuck to his fur and, in an attempt to scratch it off with his shoulder, had glued his cheek to his arm. Shadow was too preoccupied to notice.

"Tails lent me a game. Have you heard of Pippa Funnell 2-"

"Farm Adventures?! Of course Shadow! It's a classic! Oohhh, you must be careful about dropping things."

"Yes - thank you(!)"

"I just finished getting the final trophy on the Elden Ring DLC."

Shadow looked up at Big, gobsmacked

"Y-you what?! You only bought the damn thing yesterday!" Shadow exclaimed, digging his gloved fingers deep in the dirt. Where the FUCK was this game?!

"D'ohh, it was easy", Big said sheepishly, kicking The Rock with his foot. No one questioned why Dwayne Johnson was there. "I didn't even die once."

Shadow flinched. This one stung. Like a bee stinging its stinger in Shadow's shadowregions.

"A no death run?! Big, what the fuck?!"

"If I was ever going to pass on my wisdom to you Shadow, it's that you should never underestimate anybody." and with that, Big ascended into the heavens faster than Sonic could suck off a chilli dog. Which is approximately 2 seconds.

"Weird guy," Shadow mused. He paused for a few seconds, staring at where Big had once stood, before shaking his head and remembering what he was looking for.

"Think Shadow, think!" Shadow thought, "What would Pippa Funnell do?"

"Hahaha, that's a good question, Shadow the Hedgehog!"

"No, it- it can't be!"

"Oh but it is"

" PIPPA FUNNELL?!" Shadow screamed, his mouth agape!

There she stood, on top of a horse which has recently recovered from traumatic head injury after being routinely punched in the face by a bakery worker, Pippa Funnell.

"I can't believe it!" Shadow stood up, rubbing his eyes in disbelief, "In 2003, you became the first person to win the Rolex Grand Slam of Eventing, with consecutive wins at Rolex Kentucky, Badminton and Burghley and then you also won Badminton in 2002 and 2005. And then at the European Championships, you won two Individual golds and three team golds AND you're a three-time Olympic medallist, winning team silver in 2000 and 2004, and an individual bronze in 2004, AND you competed at the 2016 Summer Olympics!"

"Ha ha ha, I sure did Shadow the Hedgehog. I sure did!" Pippa said, lifting her horse high above her head.

"But Pippa - why are you here?" Shadow was almost too nervous to ask. He was too scared to mention that he also competed in The Olympics.

"Shadow, I'm here to ask you a favour." she said, swinging the horse by the tail like a certain plumber.

"By all means, i-it'd be an honour to serve you in any way!"

"I, Pippa Funnell MBE, am seeking a great power, and I believe you are the key to helping me find it."

"Pippa, I'm sorry, I no longer possess a chaos emerald. For some reason every time they get close together they fuck off again. It's a really stupid design flaw that Tails hasn't gotten round to fixing yet."

"No Shadow, it is not a chaos emerald I seek - for I already have one!"

"WHAT?!" Shadow screamed, his voice so loud that Flickies flew far from forest trees and one of the many Vectors lost its erection.

"What the hell was that?!" one of the Vectors said.

"Oh, who cares" said Vanilla, currently hanging upside down with two other Vectors holding onto each foot, several of her toes in their mouth whilst their tongues were making Gene Simmonds blush. He was wanking off in the corner. "Now stick your finger up my ass and death roll my hole!"

Vector stood up straight, "FIND THE CUNT-PUTER ROOM!" he bellowed, and dived head first into Vanilla.

"Umm, okay Mom, I guess I'll make my own dinner again then." a tiny voice said, as Cream left the room quietly, falling over a passed out crocodile cock. She dusted herself off and skipped merrily out of the room.

Ribbit

"For the love of - will you please shut the fuck up?!" Shadow had lost his temper by now. He couldn't find the game anywhere!

"Shadow, that's not very nice." Pippa sympathised, rolling the horse around the ground with a rolling pin and cutting out star shapes before putting them into an oven at 220 degrees celsius for 15 minutes.

"Well, oim so sawwrry, Pippa Funnell - but I'm looking for something important. And you still haven't told me what it is you want!"

"It's not safe to talk here. Can I meet you at your place later tonight?"

"Hm. Nobody knows where I live. I keep that a closely guarded secr-"

"You live in the back room of a Primark in Central City."

"...damn!"

"Ugh you're so fucking cool and edgy when you swear, look, I have to run, be at your place by 8pm tonight Shadow! And for the love of horses, don't let me down!" She kissed Shadow on the dick and jumped back onto her horse, "See you schblog, Hedgehog." and she put out a cigarette on the horse's arse who proceeded to also ascend into the heavens.

Shadow was dumbfounded. He couldn't believe what had just happened. What could this all mean? Ribbit. The weird conversation with Tails earlier … Ribbit - the strange interaction with Big … Ribbit - and suddenly meeting his hero, the irreplaceable and almighty goddess to be worshipped forever and ever Pippa Funnell?! Ribbi-

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Shadow had run out of patience. He picked up Froggy and threw him as far as he could off of a cliff. "ASSHOLE!" Shadow screamed. He sighed and pulled out his wallet. Thankfully his CEX card was still in there. He could pop by on his way back home and pick up a copy of Pippa Funnell 2: Farm Adventures and Tails would be none the wiser. He was annoyed though, he'd been saving up his CEX points in order to cash in and buy a Sega 32X. But, he didn't want to let Tails down. After all, in Shadows mind, he was his best friend. Maybe I should tell him that, Shadow queried to himself. Nah, I'm sure he already knows and doesn't torture himself hourly about the fact that although he seems to have many close friends by his side he doesn't have one true best friend and what if they dont really like him that much anyway and they're only pretending to be his friend for a big joke and they secretly all laugh behind his back. Nope, that's definitely not how anyone ever thinks, Shadow reasoned with himself. He took another quick look around but - no luck. The game was gone. Shadow sighed and ran to the CEX.

Slap, slap, slap.

"Hmmm? Is that you?"

…

"Oooohhh I'm SO glad you're here! Now what's the secret password - and no it isn't Robotnik6969FuckMeInTheEgg, I've changed it since last week!"

…

"Oh right I forgot you don't talk. Ahhh, fuck it, come in, come in!"

…

"Did you find it? Do you have it"

A horrible spitting noise followed by a light clatter followed. Robotnik reached a hand down to touch the squelchy mess.

"Yeeesss … yeeesss … finally, I have it! It's mine! An unboxed version of Pippa Funnell 2: Farm Adventures! AND I ALREADY HAVE THE STRATEGY GUIDE! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Oh, and I couldn't have done it without you!"

…

Ribbit.

END OF CHAPTER 5.