Sonic the Hedgehog the Fanfic the Podcast Chapter 6
Chapter by LT Fletcher
Chapter 6: Plan to Eradicate the Hedgehogs (That's a Dragon Ball Z reference I don't expect you to get, it's in reference to the animated short film Plan to Eradicate the Saiyans, which released in two parts in 1993 and also served as a video guide to the NES video game [or, rather, the Famicom video game] Dragon Ball Z Side Story: Plan to Eradicate the Saiyans. It's a bit of a mess but it's fine as a curio. It was later remade with vastly modernised animation and a slightly rewritten story as Dragon Ball Z: Plan to Eradicate the Super Saiyans and was included in its entirety on Dragon Ball: Raging Blast 2, which released on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 in 2010. Annoyingly, even this version did not receive a dub with English voices, which I think is a real shame as the Dragon Ball dub is very strong and doesn't get enough credit for the quality of the voices and the excellent voice direction. Japan has actually had both of these films on DVD and we fans in the west, once again, must go hungry. Actually, isn't that mad that the original version came out on the NES and not the SNES [Super Famicom, if you prefer]? In 1993, the SNES had been out three years! I guess it speaks to the power and volume of the install base of the NES in Japan that loyal Dragon Ball fans were all too happy to stick to that console. And let's not forget the Dragon Ball/Dragon Quest connection with Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama being Dragon Quest's character designer for many years and, with Dragon Quest being a huge seller on the NES, I suppose on reflection it does make sense that those diehard fans, the sort who would queue around the corner of a building to get the new Dragon Quest game upon release, and particularly those on the younger end of the spectrum in the early 1990s video game era when younger players were a key demographic targeted in particular by Nintendo, may be reluctant or unable to switch (no pun intended) to a new console, even with new and exciting Dragon Quest games on the horizon. Good for them)
Robotnik was feeling pretty damn good right about now. And who could blame him? The next step of his master plan (which, you'll recall, his theme song clearly noted he was in possession of) had come to fruition and the best of it was those fucking Freedom Fighter freak furry fannies would be none the wiser that he'd been aided by Big's pollywog pal! Robotnik had always disliked Big because he had absolutely no reason to dislike him. Seriously, Big had never shown any real interest in stopping Robotnik's plans, he just wanted to chill out and fish. And that made the big fat egg of a man ridiculously angry – how dare that dopey twat of a dozy cat ignore him? Why, he oughtta-!
But now, revenge would come to all who had ever crossed him. He chuckled a mirthsome murmur of a laugh, twiddling his moustache like an absolute wrong'un. Finally, this plan would at last see him destroy Sonic the Hedgehog once and for all!
Robotnik pressed a button on his desk and spoke into an intercom, "Orbot! Cubot! Get your geometric behinds in here!"
In seconds, Robotnik's best and most likeable lackies entered the room. Seriously, how did Sonic Team manage so long without these two absolute gems? Robotnik has henchmen in just about every adaptation of Sonic, how did Sega's most important development team miss the glaringly obvious?
Ah, well, they were worth the wait. These two are lads and if you don't like them you're a wrong idiot!
"How may we be of service, Doctor?" Orbot asked.
"Yes, tell us, O great bucket of fuck!" Cubot squawked.
Orbot turned and looked at his pal, confused, "What?"
Robotnik sighed, "For God's sake…" He flipped open a panel on Cubot's head, pushed a loose connection back into place and closed him up.
"Sorry about that, your Robotnikness," Cubot blinked.
Robotnik ignored Cubot, "I want you two to bear witness to this moment, in which I enact the next phase of my plan!"
"What plan would that be, Doctor?" Orbot asked, as if he didn't already know.
"My plan to be rid of Sonic the Hedgehog once and for all, of course!" Robotnik laughed manically.
"Oh, of course…" Orbot rolled his eyes as best as a robot without actual eyes can manage to do so.
"What's your tone for, you spherical sphincter?"
"Well, first of all, you programmed me to be sassy, so whose fault is my tone?" Orbot replied, "And secondly, I'm not sure I have the confidence you do in your plan, Doctor"
Cubot nodded, "Yeah, I agree with Orbot, Doctor Robot-tits." He shook his head and a gear inside him slid back into place, "Sorry."
"I think you'll find, boys, I have a tremendous track record!"
"Oh, yes," Orbot replied, "assuming you ignore when your plan failed in 1991, then twice more in 1991, twice in 1992, a record eight times in 1993 (that was empirically the best year for the franchise), five and two-thirds times in 1994, four times in 1995, thrice in 1996, you lost a race in 1997 despite half the competitors being on foot and you being in a hovercraft, then you failed again in 1998 and 1999, took a year off for the millennium, then made up for lost time with back to back losses in 2001, and a late entry in 2002, before getting handed two defeats in 2003, another in 2004, a minimum of two in 2005 depending on how you view time loops, then in 2006 you initially lost three times, but since one of those events deleted itself from history, I'll grant you it's only two, then you lost at the Olympics in—"
"WOULD YOU FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP?!" Robotnik bellowed. He'd heard enough, "Alright, so I've not got much in the win column, I'll grant you. But that tells me my luck is due to come in right about now!"
"Or that you should give up."
"NEVER, FUCK YOU"
Ribbit.
"Oh, Froggy!" Robotnik turned to look at the small amphibian, "Where are my manners? I do apologise. Orbot, Cubot, Frogbot – heh heh, just my little joke, Froggy – take a look at this."
He pressed a button on a nearby surface and a panel in the floor slid open. From beneath the floor, a Badnik rose up. Robotnik opened a control panel on the robot's back and a small slot was visible.
"You boys will no doubt know it's no simple feat to get programming delivered to thousands of Badniks. Global wifi is still, somehow, shit, so I must rely on physical options instead. I used to use Sega Game Gear cartridges as storage media but those are now difficult to get hold of as they've mostly ended up in the hands of collectors who pay big moolah for them. Did you see that idiot Shell Bee Incredibly Safe recently forked out for a boxed copy of Sonic Chaos with the manual? I'm sure he thinks his collection looks great but I bet he won't be so happy when he dies alone thanks to his Sonic obsession serving as a repellent to anyone with a personality!"
Robotnik suddenly developed a severe itch in his arse as if a higher power had taken offence to this comment and somehow wove it into life's narrative. And finding Game Gear games boxed with the manual isn't very common and it isn't a waste of money, ACTUALLY!
Robotnik continued, trying to push out a loud, dry air blast in an attempt to scratch the anal itch, "But now the perfect piece of proprietary storage media has been discovered!" He held aloft the DS game, "Behold! The Nintendo DS game cart! And this game is the key to it all! This is Pippa Funnell 2: Farm Adventures. And within its code is the secret to obliterating Sonic and his miserable friends!"
He clicked the game cart into the slot on the Badnik, which whirred to life with the Nintendo DS start-up sound. The Badnik looked at Robotnik and spoke in a robotic voice, what with being a robot, "Greetings, master. Loading Horse Data. Horse Data loaded."
"EGG-cellent," Robotnik cooed predictably, "Now this Badnik has all the powers and abilities of Pippa Funnell! That is how it works, don't bother checking, shut up! And we're going to use those powers to splatter that cunting hedgehog! And the best part is, he'll never see it coming! He thinks I died of Covid-19! Which is ludicrous because Covid isn't even real anyway! And soon, neither will be Sonic the Hedgehog's prospects of living! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"
Knuckles sat, bored. He felt a twinge of guilt and snapped out of his mood. It was his sacred duty to guard the Master Emerald, boredom didn't come into it. He had to be the responsible one in Team Sonic. Goodness knows nobody else was going to be, especially not Amy, but especially not Tails, and especially not Sonic. But… well… it had gotten increasingly difficult to lie to himself.
The truth was, standing guard by the Emerald Shrine really was boring. Knuckles blamed Sonic. Life had been a lot easier before Sonic and Robotnik had gotten him tangled up in their never-ending feud. See, before then, it was easy enough to just tune everything else out and stand in front of the Master Emerald. But since Sonic had introduced Knuckles to adventuring and friends and voice-stealing magic boxes, going back to how things used to be seemed… dull.
Maybe he just needed someone to talk to. If only he knew where that sexy lady echidna with the big tooth and long, pointy purple tail had gone.
Tails had suggested setting up a security perimeter around the Emerald Shrine to allow Knuckles to wander off for a bit. But you know how ancient ruins are, as soon as you start setting up lasers and cameras it gets a bit pricey. Knuckles had spoken to someone from the National Trust but they weren't interested. The English Heritage was a non-starter as well, owing mainly to the fact neither Knuckles nor the Emerald Shrine was English. They had asked him why he'd even bothered asking them but when Knuckles became belligerent they soothed him with a four-pounds bag of crisps that didn't taste quite right and a bowl of soup that wasn't very filling from their café.
But Knuckles knew deep down there would come times he had no choice but to step away from the Master Emerald. Like right now, for instance. He really needed a wee.
Knuckles started gently hopping back and forth from one leg to the other but all that did was shake his bladder up all the more like that time Sonic had shook a can of Schweppes Lemonade up at super speed then gave it to Charmy, only for the poor bee to find himself launched three hundred yards backwards by the erupting fizzy pop. Knuckles tried crossing his legs tightly but he was a grown adult so all that did was squash his balls, which didn't help any. Knuckles tried to remember the advice he was given by his father. Then he remembered he'd grown up alone and had no recollection of his father, who isn't canon, so that was no use whatsoever.
There was nothing for it. The Emerald Shrine was near the edge of the island. He could dash across, pee over the edge and be back before anyone knew it! Right?
Knuckles ran hurriedly down the stairs. He became only more intensely aware of his problem as his feet pounded down the ancient stone steps. Why did he move the Emerald Shrine outside? It was fine in the Hidden Palace Zone! There were en suite facilities in there too! But, nooo, he'd wanted the weather and the view! What a fool he'd been!
Glancing back over his shoulder at the Master Emerald, which was only about thirty feet behind him and not even remotely out of view, Knuckles reached the edge of the Angelic Floating Angel Island (see, I called it both at the same time so nobody can be mad at me). Squinting side to side, to be doubly sure nobody was there, he let loose a lovely leak over the side of the island and groaned a sigh of pure relief. He'd been holding that in for three hours.
Knuckles turned back.
"Hey, Knuckles."
Knuckles damn near jumped out of his skin, "Tails?! When did you get here!?"
"Oh, a few minutes ago. I was just stood directly behind you and out of your field of vision this whole entire time."
"Wh—…" Knuckles was baffled, "What the h—WHAT?"
"You should drink more water, that wee was dangerously yellow, you'll get a kidney infection if you're not careful."
"I don't—" Knuckles stopped himself and raised his hands, cutting himself off. There was no point getting into this conversation. Not again. Tails had received the DK Ultimate Guide To Urology book for his birthday from Amy and it'd backfired on the rest of Team Sonic spectacularly as he'd spent the next four months lecturing them about proper hydration.
"By the way," Tails continued, "Did you pay attention to where you were whizzing just now? Only the island's directly above Station Square."
"Shitting fuck," Knuckles shook his head. "I'm sure it's fine, there's no need to worry. It'll probably just dissipate in the air."
Down below in Station Square, the lovestruck girl who pines for the burger shop employee was finally building up her courage. Today was the day! She'd talk to the object of her affections! God, it was hard to pluck up the strength to talk to someone you like! Fear of rejection is horrid, crippling even. But, no, she'd wasted enough time. It was at last the day to move into action. She was going to tell the minimum-wage object of her affections how she felt! And maybe he'd feel the same! And, you know what?! If he didn't, that was okay too! Because this was no way to live! She couldn't keep doing this to herself! Her heart hurt just thinking about the anguish she'd put herself through. And for what? To keep feeling foolish that she'd never just taken that chance!? No, she wouldn't let him slip through her fingers, not any longer. No, sir! Nothing was going to stop her now! Why, if the heavens opened and rain fell down with furious anger onto her, her spirits couldn't be dampened! No way! This was the time! Not even a freak accident of circumstance could change her course or her mind at this point! SHE WAS GOING TO DO IT! GO ON, LOVE! YOU'VE GOT THIS!
Two feet to her left, a litre of piss fell from the sky and landed directly on Silver the Hedgehog. He screamed a grief-stricken cry.
Maybe she'd try tomorrow…
"So," Knuckles began, "what brings you to my island, Tails? And also, get off my island."
Tails bowed his head low, "And may your crops be blessed, brother."
'Get off my island' was, of course, the traditional echidna greeting and Tails had been truly honoured.
"Knuckles, we've got a situation," the fox continued, brandishing his tiny little Knuckles doll and then placing it gently atop the Master Emerald, "I'll explain along the way, there's no time to lose! We have to go pick Amy up."
"Where's Sonic?"
"Come on, I'll fill you in!" Tails hopped into his go-kart.
"Woah, bad ass!" Knuckles beamed.
"Correct!"
Knuckles jumped on the back of the cart and Tails made the horn go "beep beep!" as it whizzed off at an impressive twelve miles per hour, driven by Miles Prower.
Jet the Hawk kicked the soles of his shoes against the wall, "I am bored as FUCKING FUCK."
Wave the Swallow growled at him, "Jet, we heard you the first eighteen times, alright? Pick something to do then, would you!?"
"Well, we've watched all the DVDs and you rinsed us both at poker…"
Storm the Albatross butted in, "You shouldn't have asked for it to be strip poker, Jet, Wave wears more clothes than both of us because she's a girl."
"The point is," the leader of the Babylon Rogues cut him off, "I am fucking BORED and if I don't get some excitement in my life I am going to SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE."
"You're so fucking dramatic!" Wave yelled, "Grow up, you big green peen!"
"Maybe we should go in search of the Babylon Garden!" Storm suggested.
"No, dude," Jet replied, exasperated, "We already did that. I think it was the plot of three separate games even? Even Sonic Team are sick of that one, we need to do something new."
"Well," Storm offered, "how about we go and buy a new DVD?"
"My God, that's brilliant!" Jet the Hawk jet the squawked, "We'll go down to Mobius and go to the HMV!"
Wave seethed silently. She'd told her mum she was going to grow up to be a brilliant physicist, how did she get trapped on an airship with these absolute dinlos?
"I sure do like HMV, Jet," Storm smiled, "I was thinking to myself the last time I visited a couple of years ago that I'm glad it's not just become another shop full of wall-to-wall Funko Pops and ironic shit T-shirts."
"If that happened, I think I would lose my fucking mind and go on a big rampage!" said Jet, foreshadowingly.
At that moment, the Time Eater punched through the air in front of the three of them and grabbed them, pulling them into White Space. Didn't see that coming, did you?
TO BE CONTINUED IN SONIC X SHADOW X SILVER X CHRIS THORNDYKE X CHARMY X JET GENERATIONS, RELEASING SEPTEMBER 2076.
END OF CHAPTER SIX