A/N I picked Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee because I feel this song captures the way Solas feels which I tried to highlight in this chapter. The song Elyssa is singing is Echo by Jason Walker. I picked that one because it is such a sad song that does a splendid job of describing what it's like to feel like you're alone. As always, thank everyone so much for reading! Please read and review. I love reading your comments! Also, I threw in a little reference, let me know if you caught it.
Salem watched Elyssa sit at the dining table, a plate of food in her hand. Salem had made something Solas had told her was one of Elyssa's favorite foods. She had never made chicken fried steak before, but the recipe seemed easy enough to follow. She had hoped making the elven girl's favorite food would encourage her to eat more than she had been in the four days since Solas had been told of the pregnancy. Her hopes were doused when she saw one small steak and barely a large spoonful of mashed potatoes on the girl's plate. Elyssa ate with a blank expression, not seeming to have even tasted the food. Through dinner, Elyssa talked with Krem and the Iron Bull, plastering a smile on her face when necessary. It was too easy for Salem to see the lengths Elyssa was going through to make it seem like she was okay. Her heart broke for the girl, for the pain she was trying so hard to cover up. She didn't deserve to be going through this alone.
Salem took a quick glance at her phone, something she normally didn't allow at the dinner table. Solas hadn't answered her text. He hadn't answered her text or calls in the last four days. The past two days at the school he had avoided her to the fullest, refusing to so much as walk down the same hall as her. The look he'd had on his face each time she saw him wasn't dissimilar to the way Elyssa looked when she thought no one was watching. Salem didn't understand why Solas was acting this way. Yes, it was a lot to process. But to avoid her? To not say anything to anyone? That wasn't the right way to handle things. He had to know how badly Elyssa was hurting, how terrible it was for her to be going through this virtually alone? Salem sent one more message, if she didn't get an answer by the end of the night, she would deal with Solas herself.
The rest of dinner passed, Elyssa barely eating half of what was on her plate. She offered to do the dishes, something she had done almost every night since moving in. Most nights Salem told her one of the boys could do it. Tonight, however, she decided to let her, if for nothing other than to give her something to take her mind off things for a short while. She heard the speaker from Elyssa's new phone start playing music, the water began running in the sink, and the soft voice of Elyssa began singing with the song playing.
"Listen. Listen. I would take a whisper if that's all you had to give. But it isn't, is it? You could come save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head. I'm out on the edge, and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm alright but it's never enough."
Salem heard the quiet sound of a stifled sob, breaking her heart further. She stepped into the kitchen, her footsteps echoing around them, alerting Elyssa to her presence. The girl quickly wiped her face, paused her music, and turned to face Salem, an unnatural smile on her face. "Hey, I'm almost done here," Elyssa tried to sound cheery, but her voice was too high to be natural, "was my music bothering you? I'm sorry."
"Elyssa," Salem sighed, "what's bothering me is how much you're trying to act like you're okay."
"I'm fine, Salem," Elyssa protested, turning back to the dishes, hiding her face, "I still have a few weeks, it will be okay one way or the other."
"You don't have to be okay," Salem pleaded with her, "it's fine to not be okay. You're pregnant and the possible father walked out, leaving you to deal with it alone."
Elyssa put down the plate she had been washing, an audible sigh escaping her. "Solas had every right to walk out," Elyssa said, her tone sharp, "it is not his responsibility to deal with me, he didn't ask for any of this."
"Neither did you," Salem reminded her gently, "you don't have to suffer alone."
"I'll be fine," Elyssa insisted. Salem sighed. There was no getting through to the stubborn elf. The only one who was likely to was hiding out at his house like the prideful fool he was. Salem gritted her teeth, this was ridiculous. Solas couldn't hide forever. Even if he could, Salem wasn't going to let him. No, she was going to go have a talk with him tonight. With any luck, he would listen to her for once.
She was greeted by the curious look of the Iron Bull when she gathered her keys. "Where are you off to, Kadan?"
Salem didn't pause as she opened the front door, "I'm off to skin an elf." She heard Bull's booming laughter as she marched to her car. The drive to Solas's house passed quickly without incident, her anger fermenting. By the time she arrived at the man's doorstep, she was livid. She knocked once, waiting barely a minute for an answer she didn't get. Using the house key Solas had given her and Bull when he moved in, she opened the door. She couldn't immediately find the elven artist, causing her blood to boil further. How dare he just walk out on the girl, the student she had told him to leave alone to begin with. How dare he think he could hide from the responsibilities he now owed the girl. If he thought she was going to let him get away with it, then he obviously didn't know Salem Adaar very well.
The sound of a femine giggle coming from the kitchen captured Salem's attention. Solas was in for a very rude awakening. Salem stalked to the kitchen where a woman, looking to be in her early 20's stood flirtatiously smiling at Solas. She was twirling a strand of long blond hair, her body barely covered by the garments one could hardly call clothes. Solas was the first to see the qunari woman, his eyes widening in panic. Salem gave him no chance to move before she tapped the woman on her shoulder. The woman turned around, her face twisted in a scowl until she saw Salem's fearsome expression.
"You need to leave," Salem ordered her, "now." The woman nodded frantically, scrambling to collect her large purse from the counter. Salem waited until the woman had left before rounding on Solas. He stood plastered in fear. He had seen her angry like this before, and he had known it was best to stay silent. Salem grabbed one of his long ears, yanking him through his patio door and into his backyard. Solas was helpless to resist her grip on his appendage, forced to be drug along to where she wanted to take him. Salem stopped at the edge of the small in-ground pool he had. Without so much a word, she pushed Solas in. He didn't stay under long, scrambling out as quickly as he could. His nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed, a clear sign that he was pissed.
"Consider that a wake up call," Salem growled, not caring that he was angry, "because you've clearly lost your fucking mind."
"I am more than in control of my senses," he shot back.
"Oh really?" Salem scoffed, "because from where I stand it looks quite the opposite."
"Then perhaps you should stand elsewhere," Solas growled. He twisted as much of his clothing as he could while still leaving it on his body, attempting to get rid of the water, glaring at Salem while he did so.
"Maybe it's good that you walked out," Salem scoffed, "because if that child is yours, they would be extremely disappointed in the coward I see in front of me now. I'd hate to see what Mythal would say about you hiding."
"Do not bring my mother into this," he snapped, frown furrowing deeper down.
"Why not?" Salem retorted, her hands shaking, "You've brought me into it. Or did you not care about that when you went behind my back and did everything I told you not to and then hid leaving me to clean up your mess!?"
I am not hiding," he disagreed irritably, "I was entertaining a guest."
"Are you trying to impregnate all of Thedas?" Salem snapped, "getting a high school student pregnant wasn't enough for you?"
"She doesn't even know if it's mine! Who knows who else is a possible paternal candidate," Solas spat angrily.
"Solas, look past your pride for a damn minute and think!" Salem ordered.
Solas continued to stare with hard eyes at Salem. "My pride is not the issue, Salem," he objected, "the issue is, I have once again opened myself up to being the cuckolded fool expected to take responsibilities that are not mine."
"Solas, she's not Andruil! She didn't go out and sleep around for the hell of it. She didn't ask for this." Salem took a deep breath, mentally begging her friend to hear what she was trying to tell him. "Solas, she's only a few weeks along. Who else do you know of that she's had any encounters with recently?" Salem watched as her words finally accomplished something. Solas's eyes widened, the anger that had been clouding them finally beginning to lift. His mouth fell open slightly as he realized what she was saying.
"What… what are you saying?" he whispered, as if he didn't want to believe it.
"You're not dumb, Solas," Salem stated bluntly, "you know exactly what I'm saying."
"What have I done?" Solas muttered, more to himself than to her.
"What have you done?" Salem repeated the question rhetorically. "You left that girl to face, quite possibly, the hardest decision she's ever had to make. By herself," Salem answered through a clenched jaw, her pulse still racing. "And let me tell you what she's been doing for the past four days, Solas," Salem huffed, "she's been smiling, laughing, and talking as if she's okay. She doesn't think I can hear her crying at night, that I can hear the screams she tries to muffle when she wakes up, that I can see how dull and lifeless her eyes are, see how much effort she puts into smiling. She's trying so hard to convince everyone she's okay, but she's not. She needs help- your help -but she doesn't think she deserves it." She watched as each word penetrated Solas's defenses, taking satisfaction in the way each word seemed to hurt him.
"I'm so sorry," Solas gasped.
"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to," Salem replied. "You claim to love Elyssa," she said, "you need to decide if you're really willing to be what she needs. She doesn't deserve someone walking out when things get hard, Solas. She needs better, and I don't know if you're the one to give it to her."
"I don't claim to love her," Solas snapped, "I do love her."
"Oh really? Is that what you call abandoning her at every turn?" Salem scoffed.
"Abandoning her!?" Solas growled, "I was the one that saw through her art to the pain she carried! I'm the one that reached out to try to help her in the first place! It was me that she came to when her child of a boyfriend couldn't be trusted to help her. I'm the one that found her in a tub full of water not breathing and sat there holding her until the paramedics came!" His face scrunched with every sentence, his voice rising, "Don't you dare say I abandoned her when I have been the one by her side these past few months!"
"What did you do after you slept with her Solas?" Salem argued back. She continued before he could answer, "You ran and you didn't look back at the girl you left behind. You didn't think about how that was going to affect her. You didn't think about her at all!"
Solas took a defiant step forward, stiffening his shoulders as he stared the qunari woman down. "She was the only one I was thinking about!" he growled, "Everything I've done these past few months has been for her! Including walking out four days ago!"
"How in the hell was she the one you were thinking of when you ran from her?" Salem chuckled darkly.
"I did not run from her," Solas answered, "I let her go. I thought she would be better off that way."
"In what world does that make any sense, Solas? How is walking out on her when she told you the truth benefitting her?"
"I don't know if I can raise a child that isn't mine," Solas admitted, "and she needs someone who will be there for her no matter what."
"Do you care so little for her then?" Salem snapped, "that you would have raised Andruil's bastard but you won't risk the possibility that Elyssa's isn't yours. Guess what, Solas, there is a hell of a lot greater chance that this child is yours than Andruil's was!"
"Andruil lied!" Solas answered.
"So, you're punishing Elyssa for doing the right thing and telling the truth?" Salem scoffed bitterly, "I'm sure that will bring her so much comfort at night."
"Don't you understand?" Solas exclaimed, "that's exactly why I tried letting her go after that forsaken dance. I love her! But all I do is bring her pain."
"Why then, Solas?" Salem sighed irritably, "why after you slept with her did you try letting her go?"
Solas averted his gaze, refusing to meet Salem's eyes. "Because she said she loved me," he almost whispered, "and I'm not someone worthy of it."
Salem's gaze softened a little. She knew he still carried all the pain Andruil had inflicted upon him, but she hadn't known to what degree. Still, he'd made his choice long before now and he needed to take responsibility.
"Solas, you deserve love too," Salem said firmly.
He turned tear filled blue eyes to her, "Do I?" he choked, his voice soft like the breeze ruffling Salem's hair, "How, when all I do is make mistake after mistake?"
"Mistakes are a part of life," Salem answered, "it's not the mistake that matters. It's what you do afterward that does. And right now, everything you've done afterward has been shit."
"What do you want me to do?" Solas huffed, "how do I make things better after this?"
"You can start with the truth," Salem shot back, her mouth buried in a deep frown, "you were scared then and you're scared now."
"Of course I'm scared, Salem," Solas answered, "how could I not be? Did being with The Iron Bull not terrify you at first?"
"Of course it did," Salem answered with a scoff, "but I didn't run, or hide, or cower when things got hard." Salem took a deep breath. "Solas," she sighed, "if you're going to choose to be with Elyssa then you need to be there for the hard things too. You can't just pick and choose, that's not how it works."
"Does she even want me anymore?" Solas asked hesitantly.
Salem nodded her head slowly. "I believe she does," She answered.
"I don't deserve it," Solas sighed.
"No, you don't right now," Salem agreed, "but, if you truly want to be better, and you honestly work at it, you will."
"Salem, I'm sorry," Solas said, "I'm sorry for putting that strain on you. I'm sure this hasn't been easy for you."
"No it hasn't," Salem sighed, "we could all easily lose our jobs because of your lack of judgement." She saw Solas' head droop in shame. "You're my best friend," she said softly, "and I want you to be happy; but I want you to do it the right way. The safe way."
"Thank you," Solas responded, "I appreciate all you have done for Elyssa."
"Just… make things right, Solas," Salem ordered, "don't let her keep thinking she has to be alone. Don't let her keep questioning her worth. You of all people know how terrible that is."
"Of course," Solas agreed. Salem turned to walk away, having done what she came here for. "Salem?" Solas called out, causing her to turn back around, "thank you."
Elyssa stared out of the car window as the world passed by in an unappealing blur. She felt nothing, cold, numb. She knew she should be excited. It was the day of the art show she had entered at Solas' behest. She had spent the three weeks before homecoming on the painting she'd entered. She had been so proud of it, leaving it by Solas' door with the essay required for the entry. He'd never told her if he'd looked at the painting or the essay before submitting them. Part of her wondered if he was going to be there now, to see how the competition went. It had been a week since she told him about her pregnancy, and she hadn't heard a word from him. She was no closer to coming to a decision, and time was running out.
Salem pulled the car into the hotel parking lot. She had been surprisingly supportive about the art show, booking a hotel for the whole family as soon as Elyssa told her about it. That had been before the blood work had come back. Elyssa had expected Salem to give up on her, to cancel the trip. Instead, she had seemed even more enthusiastic for it, saying they could all use the distraction. Elyssa sensed that the qunari woman was doing whatever she could to keep Elyssa from dwelling on the sorrow and loneliness. That she was even trying, helped Elyssa more than she knew. In the past few weeks, since she'd been with Salem, she had felt more care and support than in the last seventeen years she'd been with her mother. The ache, the pain, the despair that it took someone else to show her that was still there, but fading slowly.
Elyssa shuffled into the hotel behind Krem. Krem took his "big brother" role seriously, adapting naturally to having Elyssa around. He didn't hide his opinions nor his protectiveness. He, too, had tried to keep Elyssa distracted. Asking her opinion about this drawing or that. Asking her to draw something for the girl he liked. Asking her about Lily and how she had come to own the sassy feline. Elyssa appreciated his efforts, even enjoyed their conversations. Her sisters had been years younger than her, too big of an age gap to fill with simple conversations and questions. It was different, nice, to have a 'brother'. To have someone she could relate to easier. Iron Bull had followed Krem's example, becoming protective of Elyssa. Unlike Krem, Bull didn't talk much. It had been a shock when he had asked her one day at dinner to simply call him Iron Bull. "Not your coach," he had answered when she asked why. Now, here they all were on a 'family' trip, and she couldn't find it in her heart to be truly happy like she should.
She should be happy to have the care and support the Adaars were showing her. She should be grateful to have the opportunity to showcase, and possibly win a scholarship with, her art. She shouldn't be following behind the cheerful chatter of the people who had come out to support her, feeling helpless and lost. But she did. She couldn't shake the feeling that a piece of her was missing, the piece that made the most sense to her. She had felt this way before. The dull ache, the days spent going through the motions of living, the feeling of being lost, she had been there before. First, when she had avoided Solas for three weeks, then again after he had told her what they had done at the dance had been a mistake he wasn't interested in making again.
She had thought after what he had told her in the hospital that they could move past the mistakes they had both made, now she wasn't so sure. She was pregnant, and it was possible it wasn't his child. How could she ask Solas to look past that? To care for and love this child when she wasn't even sure she would be able to. How could she ask Solas to be okay with ending the life of this child before it had a chance to live? What if it was his? What if it wasn't? She had asked herself over and over in the last week these very questions, the answer always being she didn't know. She didn't know what she was going to do. All she did know was, more than before, she needed Solas. She needed his support, his love, his knowledge and wisdom. She needed to know she wasn't alone in deciding the fate of a child, but right now she was. And she didn't know if that was going to change.
"Solas?" Elyssa's head snapped up from where she had been staring blankly at the carpeted floor, at the sound of Salem's questioning tone. Solas stood opposite them in the small hallway, his hand on the handle of a room door barely open. His eyes met Elyssa's, effectively trapping her in their blue gaze. "I didn't know you were staying here as well," Salem commented.
"This is the closest hotel to the gallery," Solas answered, not taking his eyes from Elyssa.
"So, we'll be seeing you at the show tomorrow?" Salem asked.
"Of course," Solas answered, "I have students to support, as well as Nira with her students."
"Nira is here?" Salem asked curiously, "I didn't know it was a music competition as well.
"Yes," Solas answered, "the art portion will be tomorrow, the choral the day after."
"Interesting," Salem commented, turning to the Iron Bull "I'm going to go see if she'd like to join us for dinner." the Iron Bull nodded and followed her with their bags into their room just down the hall. Krem followed, leaving Elyssa alone in the hall with Solas.
"Elyssa," Solas' voice was quiet, soft, uncertain.
"Last time I checked," she answered sarcastically. She tried swallowing around the lump in her throat, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. She didn't know how to treat Solas right now.
"I… do you have a moment?" he asked in a shaky breath. Before Elyssa could answer, Salem stepped out of her room.
"Elyssa, we'll be heading to the restaurant for dinner in about an hour," she informed her kindly, "are you okay with Nira's husband being there? She said he's here too, so I invited him. "
"That's fine," Elyssa agreed.
"Okay," Salem said, "Solas, you're welcome as well. I'm going to go get ready. I recommend you do the same, Elyssa."
"Yes, ma'am," Elyssa nodded. Salem went back into her room, closing the door and leaving Solas and Elyssa alone once more.
Solas gave her a small, anguish-filled half-smile. "Another time then," he murmured, retreating into his room.
Elyssa spent the hour puzzling over the events that had transpired in the hall. She hadn't seen Solas in a week. Now that she had, she realized it was much easier to put on a brave face when she hadn't. She had been trying so hard to be okay for Salem, but she wasn't okay. She didn't know when she'd be okay, she didn't know how to be okay right now. She was so lost, so alone, so scared. She wanted to ask Solas so many questions, but she wasn't sure she was ready for the answers. She wanted to forget about everything and have him take her in his arms, to tell her it was going to be okay. She wanted to go back to almost two weeks ago when things had begun to look hopeful for her, but she couldn't.
When they arrived at the restaurant, Miss Mahariel was there waiting for them with a man that looked very similar to Solas, though he had hair where Solas' did not. Standing next to her was the tall figure of Solas. Elyssa's heart pounded in her throat, her fingers tingling. Dinner passed in a blur, Elyssa not even paying attention to what she had ordered. She paid little attention to the conversation, smiling and nodding at the right times but otherwise not contributing. Throughout the entire meal, Elyssa focused on one person, and he, her. From across the table she and Solas exchanged sorrowful looks, hardly tearing their gazes from one another. If anyone noticed, they didn't say. The desolate look in Solas's blue eyes tore at her heart. Why was he looking at her so despairingly? So full of regret? What did he want from her? What did she want from him? Was there any hope for them or where they doomed to run around in circles, never truly catching each other. It wasn't until Solas got up to use the restroom that she was awarded with some hope for answers.
Solas passed by her chair, and with deft hands, slipped a small piece of plastic onto her lap. She waited until after she was back in her and Krem's room, and Krem was asleep, to look at the plastic she had quickly shoved in her pants pocket. It was white on one side, a thin black strip running down the length of it. On the other side was the insignia from the hotel and the numbers 394 printed on it. Why had he given her a key card? Did he want her to meet him there? If so, why? She pondered the question in her mind for a moment before jumping up. If she didn't go, she'd never find out.