HOPE YOU ENJOY! THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING! MORE TO COME!
Elizabeth knew it wasn't real. She was awake enough to understand that.
But she refused to open her eyes - because, as long as her eyes were closed, she could make her body think she was somewhere else.
She could imagine that they were in their bed at home. She would still be snuggled up, and his hand would find hers. As it did many times. And then he would lean over, and she'd feel his warm breath on her cheek as he would whisper Good morning. And she'd scrunch her nose, and groan about it being too early to be awake. And…
That space between waking and sleeping could only be held for so long - and Elizabeth wanted to stay - wanted to stay in this space where Henry was right beside her, and the place where when she'd open her eyes, she would look up into his eyes, and know she was home - know that no matter what, she didn't have to do it alone.
But before she wanted it to, the incessant chirping of the machines brought her back into a world she didn't want to inhabit at the moment. The rough material from the hospital pillow on her cheek, the metal bars from the thin cot against her shoulder and hip, the plastic tape from the IV in Henry's hand against her palm - nothing felt as it should.
Opening her eyes, she blinked from the bright lights as she sat up slowly, tension in her entire body. She looked at her husband, still in the exact same position he'd been in for the past two days, tubes breathing for him, IV lines giving him medicine and whatever else the doctors thought he needed, no movement from him.
"I'm starting to think this might be personal, Henry." Elizabeth said, running her hand through her hair and brushing the sleep out of her eyes. And she looked over at Henry's unmoving body, "Fine, I'll confess," and she held her hands up in mock surrender, "I didn't completely read your last book, I just skimmed it. And I get giving me the silent treatment, but…" she motioned to the machines behind him, "I think maybe you've overreacted just a bit."
It felt good to say something to him other than begging him to come back. She could almost picture him cracking a grin, looking up at her and reminding her about the time right after they'd just started dating that she'd locked him outside of her dorm room because she'd found a picture of him with another woman, and he'd had to plead his case from the other side of the door that the picture was him with his sister.
"There is something sexy about a quiet man," She said, standing to her feet, "But, Henry, I think this is bordering on creepy and weird, so if you could just go ahead and wake up, that would probably be best for our sex life." Placing a kiss on his forehead, whispered, "I love you."
"Just what every little brother wants to hear, his sister talking about her sex life."
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, and turned towards the door, where Will walked into the door. "Well, maybe if you didn't just walk in without knocking…"
"How about you be nice to me." Will interrupted, walking to the other side of Henry's bed, "since I have been watching here all night."
She hated admitting her little brother had been right, but, despite the crick in her neck, she did feel better after getting some sleep, like the fog had lifted, just a bit. But enough.
"Any changes?" She asked.
Will shook his head, "Still the same, Liz."
She couldn't look at him. She just nodded. "Well, at least it's not worse, right?" She spoke quieter and more solemn
"Right."
Needing to move around, keeping the thoughts as clear as possible, Elizabeth turned and started to fold up the blankets neatly on the end of the cot, fluffing the pillow a bit before setting it there.
"Grams!"
She barely had time to look at the door, where Stevie and Dmitri stood, Lily holding her dad's hand, before she felt the body of a three year old slam into her legs, arms extending up to her.
"Grams, hold me! Hold me!"
Something changed.
There were no walls, no limits, and nothing all at the same time. Not enough and too much.
Darkness - inky - like maybe that's why he couldn't breathe. That's why the world and nothing both stood on his chest. As if he'd breathed in a thick coagulant, and each moment in this place was just that darkness seeping into each cell disguised as oxygen but really just marking and killing each one until there was nothing left of him.
"Are you done suffering?" A voice. Female - floated through the world.
Her words slithered into his ears, running through his brain, like centipedes following pathways and eating away at the matter, bits and pieces of him no longer existent, eating him from the inside out. Their slimy movements echoed in his mind.
The words. Gripped him, and, like the words now in his head, his eyes shot open without his control, and he found himself staring into the past - pain his constant companion.
Stevie. Her eyes were staring up at him, but then she blinked. And he could recognize that smile - a new mother. The smile he'd seen on Elizabeth's face four times. His daughter's face seemed to hold the paradox of never more tired but never more proud. And, over the sounds of centipedes and screaming in his mind, he could hear Stevie, her voice proud and wonderfully secure, "Dad, meet your grandson and granddaughter."
Without warning, Stevie froze - like someone had paused the movie of his brain. She was staring down at the twins, until he heard.
Gunshot.
And the picture left his mind, and only the darkness remained. And the echoing voice of the woman in his head, inside.
"Are you done suffering?"
He wanted to yell. Wanted to ask this voice in his head who she was. Wanted to know what this was about - why did he recognize her voice that also sent terror through every painful nerve ending inside his being - but he couldn't breathe, much less ask questions.
Instead, he saw only the outline of the woman, bathed in light - anything but angelic light. And then the creatures in his brain flashed another person in front of him.
"Well, who is this little munchkin?" Elizabeth asked, reaching down and pulling her grandson up into her arms, unable to keep from slightly tickling under Luka's arms and smiling at the tiny giggle. When Luka's arms wrapped around her neck, she held him close, her eyes closing for just a second in amazement at how a quick hug from a three-year-old could warm her heart. "Grams loves you so much!" She said, and the hug was over.
Because he pulled away from her shoulder, and started talking up a storm, "Grams, we got puppy."
Opening her mouth wide in disbelief, she shook her head, "What? You don't have a puppy!"
His hair flopped up and down as he frantically nodded his head, "Yes! Yes!" Then he turned and looked towards where Dmitri stood, "Daddy got puppy for me and Lil."
Unable to keep a straight face, Elizabeth said, "Oh, that puppy!" A few weeks before, Elizabeth and Henry had laughed when they each got the text with a picture of the twins and a currently small but would get bigger mastiff puppy with the caption that read, Newest family member.
"Yup." Luka said, nodding his head as if to make Elizabeth agree that he had been right. Always the curious one, he looked over Elizabeth's shoulder, and his eyebrows scrunched down, nose wrinkled, and said, "Why Gramps take nap?"
As she tried to think of the way to explain such an adult issue to the little child in her arms, she took a breath, running her fingers gently through Luka's soft hair, "Oh, buddy…" Was all she could work out - how was she supposed to talk about this with a little one when she …
"Luka," Dmitri's voice pulled the boy's attention from the hospital bed and over towards his dad. Calm. Understanding. "What did we tell you about Gramps? Do you remember in the car?"
Elizabeth felt his legs start to swing in thought, "Um,.. um…" Then, as if hit by a bolt of lightning, Luka clapped his hands right in front of Elizabeth's face, and he said, "Oh, Gramps needs to sleep to get all better and play firetrucks with me."
"That's right." Dmitri said, his fatherly tone of voice never ceased to warm Elizabeth's heart.
Always energetic, Luka then clapped his hands again, so close to Elizabeth's face that she blinked hard, "We go to Grams house now?"
Elizabeth laughed, and said, "I love that you call it that, buddy." And she looked at Stevie and said, "That poor history teacher who will have to explain that it's not Grams house, it's the White House."
But her daughter didn't respond with the usual smile and rolling her eyes that they did each time one of the kids called the White House Gram's House.
In fact, Stevie walked over and held out her hands, "Can Mama have a hug, Lu?"
The little boy in Elizabeth's arms nodded, and leapt into his mother's arms, nestling on her shoulder.
Elizabeth looked around Stevie to find her granddaughter holding onto the doorpost in the hallway. And it didn't take a genius to recognize the fear in the girl's eyes.
So Elizabeth walked past Stevie cuddling Luka, and crouched down next to Lily.
"Hey, Lil," She said softly. "Can I have a hug?"
Standing there in her very pink dress, Lily peered her eyes past Elizabeth and towards the hospital bed, "I want Gramps."
"Me too, sweetheart, me too." Elizabeth admitted. "He's just taking a nap. Would you like to see?"
Lily shook her head, the fear evident all over her face and body as she pulled back into the hallway.
Elizabeth didn't have a chance to even comfort her granddaughter before Stevie said, "Mom, leave her alone. If she's scared, she doesn't have to see him."
The tone of condescension made Elizabeth clench her teeth and try to stay quiet and calm. Standing to her feet, she tried to reason with her daughter, "Stevie, I wasn't going to make her…"
"Here." Stevie said to Dmitri, holding out Luka to him. Once that transfer was done, Stevie stepped past Elizabeth into the hallway and picked up Lily. "You can come snuggle with Mommy, it's ok, baby girl."
Elizabeth was left standing there, looking at Dmitri feeling slighted, but not sure about what.
But her daughter would soon let her know.
"It wasn't my idea to bring them here…" Stevie started, her eyes taking the ever stubborn look that she'd given them since she was little. "After yesterday."
"Ah." Elizabeth said, the lightbulb coming on and making all of this make sense. "Understood." She didn't have time to unpack the feelings this daughter might have against her. Literally she couldn't. And, to be fair, Elizabeth was used to being at odds with Stevie over things that would blow over after a bit.
"But Dmitri said seeing the kids might make you feel better." Stevie said, still holding Lily close.
Turning to Dmitri, she smiled and said, "It did, thank you."
Trying to smooth the situation over when the peacekeeper of the family was lying there in a coma, Elizabeth tried to think about what would Henry do right now? He was the Stevie whisperer, and, if all Elizabeth did was whisper toward her daughter, maybe, just maybe they wouldn't end up getting into it all.
And she took a breath.
And asked, "Do the kids want to take a walk down to the cafeteria and get a snack?" To Stevie, Elizabeth said, "A walk would do Grams good?"
Stevie made eye contact with her husband, and then nodded. "I could use some coffee."
"Me too," Elizabeth agreed, "Lily, want to walk with Grams?" And her heart warmed as the little girl nodded, carefully walked as far away from the open door to Henry's room as possible, before running over and giving Elizabeth a big hug.
And then, Lily began, "Grams, we go get some food, what kind of food? Do you want some cereal? Or maybe some fruit snacks? Or…"
And as Elizabeth walked down the hallway of the hospital, her grandchildren running ahead, giggling, and asking her what each and every thing they saw was - Elizabeth tried to just take in their joy. Because it was the first time in a while she'd even seen joy, much less experienced it.