CHAPTER 5: MY BACKSTORY IS A CLUSTERFUCK OF JOKES, OF COURSE IT'S PERFECT TO BET ON

makoto: You guys aren't studying, are you?

ryuji: I'm studying so hard rn

ann: i am also studying so hard rn

akira: i am also also studying super hard rn

makoto: 10am at Leblanc tomorrow, all three of you. We need to keep a low profile, and flunking your exams is not the answer.

akira: ed is on shift tho

makoto: Well then, I'm sure he'll want you guys to study hard as well. It's not a Phantom Thieves meeting, after all.

haru: Should I come along as well?

makoto: Only if you want to. I know you have a lot going on right now.

haru: It'll be a fresh breath of air, I'm sure.

makoto: Alright then. Ryuji, Ann, Akira, Haru and I. I'll see everyone tomorrow then.

akira: i tremble in fear

makoto: You live there, and have no excuse to be late.

ann: he'll find a way

Akira does not, in fact, find a way to be late. Makoto storms into Leblanc at one quarter to ten exact, right before Akira's alarm rings.

"Akira, you better be awake now!" While Makoto spares him the embarrassment of being found half-awake in the attic, her voice travels up the stairs quite easily.

"Yeah, okay mom!" Akira yells back just to be annoying about it. Morgana whacks him with a playful paw.

The walls of the cafe are thin, and he can hear bits of conversation below:

"...a handful, isn't he?" Ed's voice, soft as it is, mirthful nonetheless.

A snort from Makoto. "Understatement of the century."

Maybe they're getting along a little too well, bonding over Akira's insanity. Futaba will have fun finding out what they're talking about on the tiny bugs that litter Leblanc. Akira tugs on whatever's in reach that isn't his pyjamas and trots downstairs, Morgana right behind him.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Ed says. He eyes Morgana, a clear violation of health guidelines in commercial food places, frowning but staying silent. Akira will take it that he won't chase Morgana back up the attic.

"Good morning, forces of nature that rise with the sun," Akira replies. He flops down on the booth seat opposite Makoto. "One black coffee, please!" He musters a most cheerful tune, one finger pointed to the sky.

Ed, predictably, makes a face. "Ugh, okay. Drama queen." He starts making his coffee anyway, so Akira counts it as a win.

Makoto, unfortunately, does not make a face, though she does hold back a laugh.

"You want anything, Niijima-san?" Ed calls from the stove, where he's suddenly frying some eggs for breakfast instead of manning the coffee machine. Really, free breakfast, free coffee. Ed is such a mother hen. Him and Sojiro are spoiling Akira, truly.

"Please, call me Makoto. Niijima is my sister," Makoto replies, smiling wryly. "I'd like a latte, please."

As Ed puts his multitasking skills to the test by doing five things at once and still acing it, Ann and Ryuji stumble through the entrance, with Haru following close behind.

"Mornin'." A yawn bubbles out of Ryuji as he rubs his eyes, back slouched. He gives a half-hearted wave to Ed. "Hi Ed."

Ed nods his head in greeting. "Hey."

Ann is more energetic than Ryuji, if only slightly. "Hi guys!" She stifles a yawn behind a hand and turns to Ed. "Nice to meet you! I'm Takamaki Ann."

Haru follows her lead, bowing slightly. "Nice to meet you, I'm Haru."

Ed gives a faint smile, and doesn't comment on Haru's lack of a last name. "Nice to meet you guys, I'm sure one of these idiots —" he vaguely gestures at Akira and Ryuji, who yells an affronted "Hey!", "have introduced me. I'm Edward Elric, call me Ed."

"Why does everyone else get Ed privileges at the first meeting?" Akira grumbles under his breath in mock offence.

"Blonde privileges!" Ed declares as Ann and Ryuji settle at the table, snickering. Betrayal! He points a finger at Akira, who rolls his eyes. "If you dye your hair blonde, I'll consider letting you into the exclusive blonde club." Ed cocks his head. "Also because Haru-san is nice and Makoto-san agrees with me that you're annoying."

"Ugh." Akira just puts his head in his hands as Ed somehow finishes cooking a hearty breakfast of eggs and toast and lays them across the table.

"Eat up. Food fuels the mind. If I had it my way, you guys would be running laps before any studying, but we can't all have the time to stay on a deserted island for a month."

"What?" Akira mutters.

"Yeah, 'cos our teacher tossed me and my brother onto a deserted island for a month for alc— uh. Training. When we were young."

"How young?" Makoto somehow manages to push past the disbelief of getting stuck on a deserted island for a month for training, though Akira's tiny brain is still whirling on that.

"Uh, nine and ten?"

Somehow Ed has the special talent of making anyone regret themselves asking for more details about his personal life.

Ann stares at Ed. "That's going into the lore collection."

"The lore collection?" Ed asks, confused.

A faint, embarrassed look comes over Makoto. "We have an ongoing bet as to your background, so we compiled a factsheet about you. I apologise, we are likely invading your privacy, and —"

Ed throws his head back and laughs. "You're betting on my backstory! Oh Truth, fuck this is so funny. Mustang would have a blast hearing about this." He wipes away a stray tear and snorts. "My backstory!"

"Are you really surprised?" Akira deadpans.

Ed grins, all teeth. "Nope." Then, a considering look that only spells trouble. "Let me see the bets. I gotta see it."

"No way, man! It's embarrassing!" Ryuji protests.

Akira nods, solemn. Their bets are all over the place. "For real. There's ten thousand yen on the line."

Ed's eyebrows raise in surprise. "Fucking hell. That much?"

Haru shrugs. "You're a tough one to crack."

"Okay, that's fair," Ed concedes. He points at the scattered plates of eggs and toast on the table. "Let me see the bets, and I'll let you have breakfast for free. Equivalent exchange."

Ryuji nearly spits out his bite of toast. "You were gonna charge us?"

Ed smirks. "No, but now I would. Eggs are expensive, you know."

Somehow, it's Haru who volunteers her phone to Ed, showing him the betting list. "Well, he'll find out sooner or later," she says when the rest of them stare at her.

Ed is too busy snickering at the list to say anything coherent. "This… you guys…" He snorts. "Fuck!" Through his tears of laughter (Akira isn't quite sure if he should be offended), Ed points at one of the bets, sounding slightly strange. "Who's Yusuke?"

Throughout the betting period, Yusuke's bet has remained unchanged as "interdimensional traveller on a mission from God". It's also arguably one of the more far-fetched bets on the list, next to Futaba's recently modified "time travelling wizard".

(Akira isn't exactly sure what happened when Futaba ran into Ed at the cafe that first time, and there was great debate regarding the additions to the lore collection, but Futaba took several days running down the occult rabbit hole, pumped on a horrifying amount of Mad Bull and manic energy, and well. Honestly, Akira doesn't really want to know.)

"Oh, Yusuke is an art student from Kosei. I think he's the last one of our group whom you haven't met yet," Makoto replies. She turns thoughtful. "I think you guys will get along well."

Akira isn't sure about that last statement. Two eccentrics in the same room sound like a recipe for disaster. They might actually blow up Leblanc if no one stops them.

"Yusuke's bet is so out there, though," Ann sighs. She props her elbows up on the table and rests her head in her hands. "Are any of us close?"

Ed hums as he hands the phone back to Haru. "Maybe."

"Really?" Ryuji asks, hopeful.

The only answer they get is a shrug from Ed. Infuriating, vague, and all in all, very expected.

"If you let me see the factsheet, I'll consider telling you," Ed says. He steals an egg from Akira's plate and stuffs it in his mouth.

That document has stuff that Morgana found out, and the last thing they need is for Ed to jump to the (appropriate) conclusion that the cafe is bugged to hell and back, instead of the equally appropriate but slightly more bizarre conclusion that Morgana is a talking cat.

"Nope," Akira says before anyone else forgets about that tidbit and say yes to the request. He reaches for his own plate and puts it far from Ed's reach.

"Alas," Ed sighs in mock disappointment, "Akira does not appreciate my breakfast." As Akira rolls his eyes, Ed absentmindedly grabs at one of the loose worksheets laid on the table. "By the way, this is wrong. You're supposed to multiply instead of dividing the sum. Messes up the whole solution that way."

Makoto, eyes wide, grabs back at the sheet and stares at it. "Oh, I see," she says faintly.

Right, prodigy. Akira suspects that Ed would be in university by now, if he really wanted to.

"Hey Ed," Ryuji starts, "can you tutor us?"

Ed blinks in genuine surprise. "Sure…? I mean, I'm not sure how much I can help with —"

"Ed, you're reading books none of us can even begin to comprehend, and just figured out Makoto's mistake with one look," Akira states plainly. "Don't sell yourself short." Then, wincing at Ed's unimpressed look, he amends: "Or at least, don't underestimate yourself."

The corners of Ed's lips turn upwards. "Alright. It's going to be a quiet morning anyway." He tosses a look at the entrance, then back at the thieves. "There is probably some stuff I can't help with, but I'll try my best. Wouldn't want anyone to fail their exams, after all."

Later, Akira learns that while Ed is a very, very competent tutor, he is also a very terrifying one. He wonders, not for the first time, how Sojiro hasn't washed the blonde's mouth out with soap yet.

The midterm exams, much to Akira's relief, weren't that much of a challenge. He breezed through most of the questions with the help of the ever-present Morgana, though he did get stuck on some others. The heavy rain, however, is putting a damper on his steps as he navigates Shibuya's busy but emptier-than-usual main streets.

"Bring me closer to the umbrella!" Morgana meows, shaking his bag. "The rain is going to soak through the bag!"

"Okay, okay," Akira replies, and hugs his bag closer to his chest. Morgana gives a delighted wriggle in response. Damn, his bag really is damp from the rain. He'll have to dry this out quickly for tomorrow.

To stock up for their next Mementos trip, they arrive at Rocinante, which somehow simultaneously Akira's favourite and least favourite megastore, only second to IKEA. Favourite, because they have everything and are so delightfully colourful and bright. Least favourite, because it traps Akira for at least an hour and takes him three circles around the store before he finally locates the exit.

Akira tries to make it quick — really, he tries, but soon he has chips on top of energy drinks and bandages, and fascinating, inventive new flavours of sweets from the discount rack, ranging from the less popular sesame ginger to the more bizarre hamburger soda.

"I am not trying those," Morgana wrinkles his nose.

"Hush," Akira whispers, pushing the cat's head back into the bag. "You'll probably get poisoned by these, anyway."

It takes Akira four circles around the store and two stops at the map before he reaches the checkout counter. A familiar blonde braided head bobbles in line right in front of him, and Akira automatically looks down at the basket.

Polishing cloth and a box of screws sit next to a few bottles of coffee and a large can of machine oil. In the middle of all that, a teriyaki salmon bento.

"Ed, you shouldn't put your food right next to the machine oil."

Ed startles and jumps an impressive height. He doesn't drop his basket, but it's a close thing. "What are you doing here, Akira?" he hisses.

Akira blinks. "Shopping." He lifts his basket of garbage snacks, and Ed just looks at it warily.

"Right, stupid question." Ed sighs, and the tension bleeds out his shoulders. "Tokyo is too small."

They shuffle a spot forward in line. "What's with the machine stuff?" Akira asks. It's as good a conversational topic as any.

"I dabble in a little bit of machinery," Ed replies. He says it in a most casual tone, but his eyes are shifty. Distantly, Akira is reminded of that one cartoon that Futaba once made him watch, about small towns and mysteries and endless dimensions.

"Not the interdimensional portal building type, I hope," Akira says dryly.

Ed barks out a laugh and grins sharply. "No, no. Don't have the funds for that. I mean, I'd love to poke at it, but really, it's not. Just a little something else."

Ed is next in line, but Akira pushes anyway, because his curiosity is one of his most annoying and fatal flaws: "What are you making? I fiddle and make stuff on my own too, sometimes." If making lock picks and smoke bombs while being instructed by your cat can be considered that.

Ed frowns, about to open his mouth to reply, but the cashier calls out for the next person in line, and he swiftly removes himself from the conversation with a "sorry" that doesn't entirely sound sorry.

Morgana bumps him from inside the bag, and he can already hear his grumbling: Akira is too pushy and insistent, and Ed is always cagey when it comes to personal manners. He worries his lips between his teeth — he should apologise when he sees Ed next time; surely he's bolted out of the store by now.

Safe to say, Akira didn't expect Ed to be waiting by the store's exit, idly standing in the narrow shelter between the onslaught of rain and the wall of multicoloured posters, advertising a wide range of products.

"Sorry for pushing you," Akira says. He adjusts his grip on the plastic bags carrying his many purchases. "You didn't want to say more, and I should have left it alone."

A slow, considering glance. It makes Akira feel a bit exposed. "... It's okay. You're curious."

Ed's eyes flicker between the yellow plastic bags in his hand, his platform boots that shine from the pattering rain, and finally land on Akira.

"Hey," Ed starts, voice low, barely audible over the roar of the rain. "Can you keep a secret?"