CHAPTER 8: I'm Rubbish at Confrontations and Nothing Ever Goes According To Plan Because I'm An Idiot

"Cultural festival? What's that?"

Ryuji takes a large bite out of his energy bar, chewing aggressively as he lounges on a bench at a corner of the gym. He looks at Ed beside him, who's chowing down on his own bundle of energy bars like there's no tomorrow. "It's like, uh, a festival we have in school every year." Realising that probably isn't a very helpful description, he elaborates: "Each class has to come up with, like, a show or store or game to showcase, and the school is open for visitors during the festival. I heard the other class is doing a play or something, and another is doing a haunted house."

Ed slows down his chewing, looking thoughtful. "Hmm. What about your class?"

A shrug. "I dunno. I'm not involved, since I'm, like, a delinquent and all. I don't really care." The truth is more that he spends too much time on Phantom Thieving and can't really bring himself to bother about the cultural festival, but Ed doesn't need to know that.

Ed snorts. "You're more golden retriever than delinquent."

"You're more of a delinquent than me! Well, other than the aggressive studying part." Ignoring Ed sticking out his tongue, Ryuji continues: "Also, since Makoto's the student council president, she has to pick a guest for the festival, and all signs are pointing to Akechi." Here, he makes a face. Ugh, Akechi. He would love to stomp on that asshole's face for dragging the Phantom Thieves' names in the dirt.

To Ryuji's delight, Ed makes a similar face, like he bit into something horrifyingly sour. "Ugh, that Mustang-type."

"Actually, who's Mustang? You mention the guy every once in a while."

Ed's face scrunches together even more, which is delightfully impressive. "He's my…" He pauses for a moment, as though his head is cycling through words. "Unfortunate bastard of a CO. He's annoying as hell, always ordering people around, lazy fucker, show off, sucks up to the higher ups, et cetera."

"Wow, he sounds like a real piece of work." As much as he's curious about the stuff that Ed might have done in the military, he's also unfortunately aware that going down that line of questioning is likely to get shut down real quick.

Ed falters at this. "He's, um. He's not all that bad, if I'm being honest. He looks out for his men. But he's a fucking annoying bastard most of the time." Here, he grins wide. "So I make his life miserable for him by handing in reports written in chicken scratch and held together with glitter glue, all the while kicking down his office door and breaking the hinges every time I need to visit."

Ryuji snickers. "That's fun."

"I am chaos itself," he replies in a deadpan tone.

"What do you think about Akechi, actually? Like, I'm curious what you think about him. Other than the, uh, Mustang-type thing."

"Terrible poker face, fakes for the public a little too much, probably needs more friends that aren't Akira, definitely needs a break or five."

Ryuji nods sagely. "Well summed up, Eddie-boy." At Ed's glare, he amends: "Ed." Then, the real question that he's been itching to ask: "What do you think about the Phantom Thieves?"

Ed's expression falls. "Don't like 'em. Akechi asked me the same question, and my answer is the same. They're changing people's hearts and their mindsets. That's changing a person entirely — their souls and personalities are a part of them as much as their physical bodies are."

"But they only target villains!"

"But what constitutes a villain? Who's truly good and who's truly bad? Where is the line drawn?"

A protest bubbles within Ryuji. "They —"

"Look at what happened to Okumura. They're threading a dangerous path, here. They need to know what they're doing next, otherwise the whole world will see them as the villain." He pauses, pursing his lips. "Good intentions do not equate to good outcomes."

At this, Ed locks eyes with Ryuji, with such a piercing glare that he nearly flinches. Ryuji almost, almost entertains the possibility of does he know, then the tension slips away as Ed sits up from the bench with a dramatic sigh.

"Well, I'm gonna hit the showers and head home," he says, stretching his arms. "All that talking has me craving for more food and a nap."

"You just finished five energy bars," Ryuji says faintly, feeling whiplash at the direction this is going. He decidedly ignores the small pang in his chest at his friend's harsh opinion on the Thieves.

Ed waves a hand in dismissal. "Irrelevant. Shower, food, nap!" And then he disappears into the showers.

Huh. "Shower, food, nap," Ryuji echoes to himself, swallows the last bite of his bar then heads to the showers too. "That sounds good. Yeah."

iron fist: Did anyone invite Edward? I just saw him at one of the maid cafes looking really confused?

ufo: omg did u take a photo

iron fist: No?

ufo: damn it

ufo: guess im hacking into shujin's cameras

akira: please don't hack into shujin's cameras

ufo: don't u want to see him cringe his way through an omurice.

ufo: don't u want to see him weep his way through a moe moe heart shoooooot.

akira:...

akira: futaba, ed would set you on fire

ufo: i DARE HIM! I WANT TO WIN 10K YEN

for real: Oh about the cultural festival yeah that might have been me

for real: I mentioned the cultural festival and he asked about it but I didn't outright invite him lol

for real: I mean, it's open to public anyways

for real: We should bring him around, he's definitely never been around one before

roar: i feel a bit bad but we'll have to ditch him eventually we have to discuss tomorrow too right?

akira: ryuji u can do the honors! bring him to the haunted house! let him see the sights! make sure no one is set on fire! we will meet you at. uh

akira: open to suggestions for top secret shujin meeting locations

roar: my class! we're having a cafe there! also it'll probably be empty

for real: OK bet

contact: gym bro

ryuji: Makoto said she saw u at one of the maid cafes

ryuji: Do ya want me to bring u around for a bit since it's your first time at a cultural festival

ed: ONE OF? There's more than ONE? Why would anyone subject themselves to this degree of embarrassment I just wanted to have rice

ed: Actually don't answer that. I can already think of a horrifying number of people who might enjoy it.

ed: Also yeah I would love a tour

ryuji: Great meet you at the haunted house on the second floor

ed: HAUNTED HOUSE? YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME GO INTO A HAUNTED HOUSE

ed: RYUJI?

contact: all knowing gremlin

ryuji: I have the goods

ryuji: [jump]

ryuji: [yellingatghost]

futaba: fantastic

futaba: marvellous

futaba: you, dear skull, will be rewarded generously when i win my 10k yen

ryuji: Bullshit I'm winning that bet

ryuji: Your side of the deal I want those security camera footages of the maid cafe

futaba: [idiot]

futaba: [stonefaced]

futaba: as ed would say, equivalent exchange

Ed is still slightly red-faced from the haunted house, but is marginally calmer now that Ryuji stuffed him full of food from the stalls.

"How is the festival food so good," he says through a mouthful of yakisoba, "like, it's so fucking good."

Ryuji steals a quick glance at his phone for the time. He should ditch Ed now and meet up with the rest of the Thieves. Man, he feels kinda bad about this. "I dunno," he replies, scratching the back of his head. "Maybe it's the atmosphere?"

Ed hums. The yakisoba is all gone now, inhaled by Ed's black hole stomach. The plastic packaging sails into the giant bin by the side of the hallway. "Alright! Where to next?"

"Uh, actually, I gotta go now. Akira and the others are waiting for me."

"Oh! Great, I would love to pop by and say hi!" In a voice that's far too cheery and with a grin way too wide, Ed slings one hand over Ryuji's shoulder. "Lead the way!"

Oh man, Makoto is gonna kill him.

Akira doesn't think that this day could get any weirder (not worse — Akechi's appearance, while unexpected, had been admittedly entertaining), and then Ed swings into the room with Ryuji in tow.

Sporting his signature bright red Uniqlo hoodie, Ed tumbles in with an unnervingly wide grin, releasing Ryuji from his hold. "Hey guys!"

Scattered, confused greetings bubble amongst the thieves. Akira doesn't miss the pointed glare from Makoto towards Ryuji, who gives a sheepish shrug. Frankly, he doesn't know what to make of Ed's sudden appearance. This seems too purposeful to be a casual greeting, given that Ryuji must have tried to at least throw him off, so either Akira is reading too much into the situation, or Ed maybe, just maybe, he knows and that he —

Ed claps his hands together — the sound sharp enough to snap Akira out of his train of thought and to make Futaba startle. Her eyes swivel to Ed's hands, as though looking for something.

"Right! I'm clearly interrupting your top secret meeting here, so I'll cut straight to the point." He spreads his hands on the table, and glances at every member of the thieves with an unreadable look, cheerful demeanour dropped. A strange sort of tension arises with his words, an uncomfortable, uneasy silence settling within the group. "Let's make a deal." At this, he raises his head and levels his gaze with Akira.

Akira swallows, careful not to make his nerves show. "What do you mean?"

Ed sweeps his eyes across the room again, drags a chair from the next table and sits on it, one leg across the other, all in one smooth action. "You tell me how you guys are changing people's hearts, and I'll tell you what I decoded from Isshiki Wakaba's book." At this, he produces a book from… somewhere, and slams it down on the table.

Beyond Worlds For You by Isshiki Wakaba. The thick, sickeningly pink romance novel he saw months ago, still piled with colourful sticky notes between its pages.

The realisation hits Akira like a freight train at full speed — all this time, Ed had been researching not just on interdimensional travel, but specifically metaverse travel, before any one of them even knew they were dealing with cognitive pscience.

The next realisation hits Akira a split second later but even harder — he knows that they're the Phantom Thieves.

What the fuck. What the fuck. Who is this guy?

"WHAT?" Akira's eardrums very nearly pop at Futaba's outburst. She stands ramrod straight, hands slammed on the desk. Her eyes are shot wide as she points an accusing finger at Ed. "Who the fuck are you? How did you get your hands on my mother's research? Even I could barely find any trace of it, and I —" She cuts herself off, face pale as she snatches the book from the table. Her fingers fly over the pages, eyes swinging back and forth between the words, then fixes onto Ed.

"Really, who the fuck are you?" The question comes out in a whisper. Truly, the million yen question ringing in everyone's minds. Top of the board, blinking in bright neon lights, with ten thousand yen on the line: who is Edward Elric?

Bizarrely enough, Ed appears somehow uncomfortable at the question, gaze shifting away. "Who I am isn't the concern here. I found Isshiki's book through other books I was looking at — I'm pretty sure that," he nods towards the novel still gripped tightly in Futaba's hands, "is the only copy, given the subject material. There are things that don't make sense to me, and you guys are probably succeeding in whatever Isshiki was aiming for."

"That's bullshit," Ryuji pipes up. His brows furrow together in frustration, arms crossed. His leg jiggles up and down. "You follow me here, knowing the whole gang's here. You demand to know how we 'steal hearts', then say that you've decoded Futaba's mom's research, which Futaba herself didn't even know existed. You just told me a few days ago that you don't even like the Phantom Thieves. So like, what the fuck, man? How are you asking us to trust you with anything?"

Ed is appropriately abashed at this, looking more pained with every sentence. He sighs, slumping into his seat. "Yeah, that wasn't a very good move from me," he admits. He groans, rubbing a hand at his face. "Ugh. This is why I'm not the politics person."

"Then now what?" Akira says, cautiously watching Ed. There's no point denying their identities given everyone's reactions. The tension has eased a little, but still thick enough in the air that you can almost taste it. "You know who we are, and yet we still know close to nothing about you. How do you propose to gain our trust?"

Ed holds his hands up in surrender. It's almost a little frustrating how nonchalant he is about the whole situation, enough to make Akira want to slam Ed's head into the wall, then slam his own. "My bad. My backstory and the whole shebang is on a need-to-know basis, so I've been keeping it to my chest. But I propose this: your backstory for my backstory. It'll be worth it, I guarantee it." He cracks a crooked grin, like he's laughing at an inside joke no one is privy to. "But not here. Somewhere a bit more private than an open classroom." His eyes flicker to the door.

"... Fair enough." Akira sighs. Given the sheer amount of facts they have on Ed and still can't figure out what's his deal, they're probably in for a ride. "Leblanc on Friday night?"

"Sounds good," Ed says, rising from his seat. He stretches his back. "You can keep that, by the way," he points at the novel, "I probably have the whole thing memorised by now."

"So who's the closest bet?" Futaba says after a moment of hesitance.

Ed blinks in surprise. Then, he laughs. "Man. Fuck, I'll tell you on Friday. But I'll give you a hint: Europe isn't involved at all." With that, he strides out of the classroom, leaving silence in his wake.

"What the hell?" Morgana fumes as the door closes behind Ed. "He comes in and we flip the tables on him and then he still manages to make us all terribly curious about his backstory."

"I feel like I just lost several decades of my life." Ann slumps onto the table. "I don't even want to consider the lack of Europe. Can we just say Earth?"

Futaba and Yusuke share a look that Akira doesn't even want to start deciphering. He sighs again. "Honestly, I'm not eager to repeat this level of tension anytime soon."

contact: gym bro

ed: Hey, I'm sorry about earlier

ed: I thought I could solve it without telling you guys my backstory because it's personal and also bad, as I'm sure you can guess by now

ed: I have more pull back home so this uh. Usually doesn't happen to me so it just didn't cross my mind

ed: But you're right about trust, and I haven't really been dishing that out generously

ed: And trust is something I regard with way too much accompanying paranoia

ryuji: It's cool

ryuji: I got mad because it feels like I don't know what to believe about you, you know?

ryuji: You're a dear friend to me and like, I don't want that to change

ed: Me too

ed: I get that

ed: I really didn't think this thoroughly enough. My usual problem solving skills involve punching people

ed: My brother is usually the one holding me back from punching my way to the solution, though that punching usually works too

ed: He's more of a negotiator than I am lol

ryuji: Really having trouble imagining a nicer Elric

ryuji: Would love to meet him one day

ed: Yeah that would be cool

ed: I would love for him to meet you guys too

ryuji: I'd ask him on tips on how to deal with u being a cryptic idiot

ryuji: You come in suddenly, tossing all our secrets into the air, then say "yeah just trust me bro"

ryuji: For someone so smart you're kinda dumb you know

ed: Yeah I've been told lol

ed: So uh gym on thursday?

ryuji: Yeah see ya

ed: See ya :)

Seriously, Akira needs to stop thinking stuff like "man, I hope this won't get any worse" because the universe is seemingly set on proving him wrong by giving him an even worse day with Akechi at the forefront of it all, complete with damning photographic evidence that makes him want to slam his head against the wall.

"This has been a terrible two days," Morgana says to the silent room, when Akechi has left the thieves to their own devices.

"Please don't jinx it again," Ryuji bemoans, head buried in his hands. "I wanna just sleep in tomorrow and not think about anything ever."

Akira is inclined to agree because these guys are shaving off decades of his life at this point. Man, forget the whole bet, he is not looking forward to Friday.