I'm Sorry – Diamante
If I had to do it all again
I'd still be the biggest let down
You will never call me your friend
We fall back to strangers
Cause it's already dead
Said what we said
And I can't change what's behind
Even if you'll never wish me well
Even if you laugh while I burn in hell
Even if these words are an empty shell
I wanna say I'm sorry
You don't have to take this apology
You could spit it all right back and leave
But I don't care, it's not for me
I wanna say I'm sorry
I wanna say I'm sorry
I'm so bad at telling you goodbye
I don't know what I expected
We can never make it through the night
Leave it at sunset
Cause it's already dead, said what we said
And I can't change what's behind
Even if you'll never wish me well
Even if you laugh while I burn in hell
Even if these words are an empty shell
I wanna say I'm sorry
You don't have to take this apology
You could spit it all right back and leave
But I don't care, it's not for me
I wanna say I'm sorry
I wanna say I'm sorry
Cause it's already dead, said what we said
And I can't change what's behind
Even if you'll never wish me well
Even if you laugh while I burn in hell
Even if these words are an empty shell
I wanna say I'm sorry
You don't have to take this apology
You could spit it all right back and leave
But I don't care, it's not for me
I wanna say I'm sorry
I wanna say I'm sorry
When Penelope had tried to write a column when Cressida had claimed to be Lady Whistledown at her and Colin's engagement party, the words would not come to her. But now when she was writing not in anger, but to protect her future husband and his family, the words seemed to pour out onto the page.
Banging on the printer's door she instantly went into an Irish accent she used to cover her identity. "Apologies for the late order. There's been some confusion with the silk delivery. You'll be paid handsomely for your rushed service." With a lot of luck she would be able to beat Cressida at her own game and her issue would either get out ahead of Cressida's or at the same time.
"Anything for Lady Whistledown." This was the point of paying someone what they were worth instead of undercutting them, they didn't question any unusual requests.
She sighed with relief as the door closed only to turn around to see Colin approaching. Nobody had ever noticed or cared when she left the balls early before. So it had not occurred to her that anything had changed because she was engaged. "Colin." She had taken for granted that Colin would do what everyone else did when she left the room and forget about her.
"You … are Lady Whistledown." The look of betrayal on his face broke her heart. This was her worse dream come to life.
"Colin. I …" She had no idea how to talk her way out of this. Knowing she should have told him sooner did not help at that moment.
"Do not try to deny it. I heard you with the printer." Even if she did try to deny it, she had no idea what excuse she could come up with for being out here in the middle of the night alone. "To think I ran after you because I was worried about you, terrified that your carriage driver had abducted you to this part of town." Nobody had ever worried about her like this. She wasn't sure how to process this other than to feel guilty for not telling him, herself. "When in truth, you knew exactly what you were doing because it was you who printed tonight."
Well, that was insulting. Tonight's issue had obviously been hastily put together with no concern other than to prove a point. "I did not print tonight's edition." She would like to have thought that even if it had been good that she still would not have claimed credit for someone else's work.
"Oh, but every other one?" She had just made things worse. "Is it not you who has been Lady Whistledown all along?" She nodded tearfully. "All of the lies … you have told me. All of the things you have written about me and my family."
"Colin, please." She knew he was too angry to be reasoned with right now. But if he would just listen for a moment she could try and explain.
"I knew something was wrong. Stupidly, I blamed myself as if … as if I was undeserving of your love." And so the guilt increased. "But you are the one that is at fault. I will never forgive you." With that last heartbreaking comment, he stormed away.
She had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and now it had. Colin would never want to marry her now. The number of times she had tried to tell Colin that she was Lady Whistledown and lost her nerve, when she should of told him regardless.
The days that followed were some of the most difficult, partly because she kept expecting Colin to call off the wedding. She had let Eloise know that Colin had found out so that her friend at least no longer had to walk on eggshells around her brother. Although Eloise was sympathetic she was not going to get involved with the mess between Penelope and Colin. This would have to be something she faced alone. But no announcement of the wedding being cancelled came which left her even more on edge. She had never felt so alone.
So it came as a surprise when Portia informed her that Colin and his mother would be joining them to go through the set up for the wedding breakfast. Colin would not speak or look at her so he had clearly meant it when he had said he would never forgive her.
"Colin … Will you at least look at me?" She had waited until their mothers were out of earshot before even attempting to speak to him.
"My mother was curious about our not seeing each other recently, and I did not want to arouse suspicions." Judging from the concerned looks on both their mother's faces he had been unsuccessful.
"Are you going to call off the wedding?" The truly sad thing apart from not becoming his wife would be that no one in the ton would be surprised. They would just assume he had momentarily lost his senses.
"I am a man of honour." That was never in question. "And we were … intimate. Perhaps that was another part of your planned entrapment." She didn't know how it could have been when she had not even known what to do. None of this had been planned. She had planned on finding a suitable husband because she had thought that he only thought of her as a friend.
"I did not mean to entrap you, Colin." She wasn't Marina. She would rather spend the rest of her life a spinster than do that to Colin. "I love you. What will this marriage be?"
"That depends. I noticed there was no Whistledown this morning." There had been no need. The last issue had done what had been needed. She had discredited Cressida and therefore protected the Bridgertons. "Are you going to stop publishing?"
"I …. I do not know." She would not lie to him. If it came down to not publishing, or publishing to save someone she loved, she knew what she would do. Besides, she may have need of an income.
"Let us get through this wedding and then we will decide what this marriage will be." That did not sound promising. Certainly not the wonderfully happy life with Colin she had once pictured.