Barely Breathing – From Ashes to Now featuring Chrissy from Against the Current
Now you're leaving, I'm the one who's bleeding
Cut out a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing.
It was all a game to you
And I'm the one who played the fool
Let you feed me to your demons
And nothing that I say or do
Will ever be enough for you
So fuck my feelings I don't need them
You were my heroine; you used to get me high
But all you cared about was selling me a lie
You used to lift me up; you always used to pick me up
But you wanna get me up and bury me alive
Now you're leaving, I'm the one who's bleeding
Cut out a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
Give me a reason
You're silent when I'm screaming
You took a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
I'm barely breathing, breathing, breathing
I'm barely breathing
I wish I would've known the truth
Cause I'd have run away from you
You sold a lie and I believed it
And everything you put me through, is gonna came back to you
And if it kills you then we're even
You were my world, but my head was in the stars
But then you burned me out and left me in the dark
You used to lift me up; you always used to pick me up
But now you wanna get me up, it's tearing me apart
Now you're leaving, I'm the one who's bleeding
Cut out a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
Give me a reason
You're silent when I'm screaming
You took a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
Take me back to what we had
Just take me back
Cause I'm barely breathing
Take me back to what we had
Just take me back
Now you're leaving, I'm the one who's bleeding
Cut out a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
Give me a reason
You're silent when I'm screaming
You took a piece of me and now I'm barely breathing
I'm barely breathing, breathing
I'm barely breathing
So take me back (take me back)
To what we had (what we had)
Just take me back
I'm barely breathing
Fear gave way to confusion as he watched Penelope knock on the door to the printers. "Apologies for the late order." Where had the Irish accent came from? "There's been some confusion with the silk delivery. You'll be paid handsomely for your rushed service." What on earth was going on?
"Anything for Lady Whistledown." He had to have heard the Printer wrong.
But then he saw Penelope sigh in relief once the door closed. The smile on her face faded when she spotted him approaching her. "Colin."
"You … are Lady Whistledown?" It seemed impossible but then he realised she was in a perfect position to be Lady Whistledown. She had always been overlooked
"Colin. I …." She could not be about to deny what he had just witnessed and overheard.
"Do not try to deny it. I heard you with the printer. To think I ran after you because I was worried about you, terrified that your carriage driver had abducted you to this part of town." He felt like such a fool. "When in truth, you knew exactly what you were doing because it was you who printed tonight." He had known all along it couldn't be Cressida Cowper. But he had never suspected it could be Penelope, the very woman he loved and was to marry.
"I did not print tonight's edition." There was something different about the one distributed at this evening's ball.
"Oh, but every other one?" That did not make things better. "Is it not you who has been Lady Whistledown all along?" His heart broke as she nodded, tears running down her pretty face. "All of the lies … you have told me. All of the things you have written about me and my family." Now Eloise's attitude made sense. She must have found out Penelope's secret.
"Colin, please." Her pleas were not going to sway him. Betrayal raged through him.
"I knew something was wrong. Stupidly, I blamed myself as if…as if I was undeserving of your love." Reason told him that Penelope had tried to warn him about Marina before Lady Whistledown had published about her deceiving him. Still he was too hurt to listen to reason right now. "But you are the one that is at fault. I will never forgive you." He stormed away.
Despite his anger he did watch for her once he had returned home to make sure she got home safely. He was in love with her and because of that he had no wish to see her hurt or in danger. And yet he wasn't sure what to do about the wedding.
Calling the wedding off wasn't an option. Penelope may be with child and he would prefer that she was his wife before anyone thought to do the math on when she may have become pregnant. For now he just needed time alone to work out what the future held.
Unfortunately keeping to himself and not spending time with his future bride was alarming Violet. To be fair, he had gone from taking any opportunity to be near Penelope, to spending almost every moment in the study or in his room. So when Violet informed him that Lady Featherington wanted to show them what she intended to do for the wedding breakfast, he didn't think he could refuse without raising a lot of questions.
As angry as he was, his heart broke a little at the distressed look on Penelope's face which she tried to hide when either of their mothers looked in their direction. He was barely listening to the discussions regarding the wedding breakfast.
"Colin… Will you at least look at me?" He wasn't certain he could without feeling completely betrayed.
"My mother was curious about our not seeing each other recently and I did not want to arouse suspicions." He wasn't sure what to do. Normally he would use Penelope as a sounding board, but that was not an option.
"Are you going to call off the wedding?" She almost seemed resigned to the possibility. Had that been why she had kept asking him if he was sure? About the engagement, about his feeling for her.
"I am a man of honour." Most of the time. "And we were ….intimate." Was she even aware that she might be pregnant? Then a terrible thought occurred to him. "Perhaps that was another part of your planned entrapment."
"I did not mean to entrap you, Colin. I love you." He was torn. While he doubted that Penelope would entrap him, she had kept a huge secret from him. Perhaps he didn't know her at all. "What will this marriage be?"
"That depends. I noticed there was no Whistledown this morning." That alone had been a relief. "Are you going to stop publishing?" Why would she even need to if they were married?
"I … I do not know." That was not the response he wanted.
"Let us get through this wedding, and then we will decide what this marriage will be." Truth be told he did not know himself. Despite everything, he desperately wanted Penelope as his wife. But he was not interested in Lady Whistledown continuing to publish, especially after some of the things published about his family.
Begrudgingly, he had to admit that Lady Whistledown had not published any lies. But there had to have been a better way to deal with each situation rather than publish it all for the Ton to see. He wondered if all Grooms found their upcoming wedding as stressful as he now found his.