Close – Nick Jonas & Tove Lo
Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed with just one breath
I'm locked in
Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed on that it's almost shocking
I know, I know you know you're scared
Your heart, your mind, your soul, your body
They won't, they won't, they won't be careful
But I guess that you don't know me
Cause if I want you and I want you Babe
Ain't going backwards won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word made up
By someone who's afraid to get too…
Close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up
By someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
Oh I want you close
And close ain't close enough, no
Oh man, oh man I am not really known
For ever being speechless
But no, but now somehow my words roll off
My tongue right onto your lips, oh
I'm keeping cool while you keep smiling
Saying all the things I'm thinking
Oh man, oh man I am like you so
I want proof I'm what you're feeling
Cause if I want you and I want you, Babe
Ain't going backwards won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word made up
By someone who's afraid to get too …
Close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up
By someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
Oh I want you close
And close ain't close enough, no
Cause if I want you and I want you, Babe
Ain't going backwards won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word make up by someone who's afraid to get too…
Close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up
By someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh so close, ooh
Oh I want you close
And close ain't close enough, no
He was getting married tomorrow. It was still difficult to believe his future wife had been leading a double life. Certain events had become even clearer in the time since he had made his discovery. The scathing edition of Whistledown the morning after the Danbury ball. The timing of Eloise's and Penelope's falling out. Clearly the evening of the Featherington ball had dealt Penelope a number of blows.
His pride was hurt. His wife had a career when he did not. His wife. He already thought of Penelope as his wife before he even got a ring on her finger.
Almost as if he conjured her out of thin air, he saw her walking towards him. "What are you doing out here?" Surely she wasn't still writing Whistledown.
"I was …" She looked as though she had been caught in the act.
"No. In fact, do not answer that. It is clear I found you in the midst of some … secret dealings." Why was marrying him not enough? "I do not wish to know."
"And what 'secret dealings' have I found you in the midst of, all alone the night before our wedding?" My God she was magnificent when she was angry. He had to admit it probably seemed suspicious considering she could probably smell the alcohol on him from where she was standing.
"What right do you have to ask me that?" He was as angry with himself as he was with her. "After all the secrets you have kept, all of the things you have written over the years, all of the damage you have done." He felt a little guilty lashing out at her like that, but he felt so foolish for not noticing sooner that something was going on.
"You are right." He hadn't expected that. "I realize how much damage I have done and I am so, so sorry for it." And yet she was not willing to give up writing Whistledown.
"What were you thinking… when you wrote about Eloise?" It was one of the reasons he never considered Penelope could be Whistledown. She was so protective and supportive of Eloise usually.
"I was trying to protect her. I realise now how misguided I was." Regret run across her face.
"And when you wrote about Miss Thompson? Exposing her as you did. Ruining her." The now Lady Crane's stinging retort to him last season still rang in his head occasionally. Not so often since he had discovered his feelings for Penelope he realised.
"I thought I was protecting you." That wasn't right. He should be protecting her which she was making very difficult to do venturing out by herself late at night.
"Then you should have told me to my face." A fleeting memory of Penelope attempting to do exactly that ran through his head.
"I know." Her admission just fuelled his anger already smouldering from the guilt of ignoring her for years.
"Or do you not respect me enough." What had been written about him in Whistledown at the beginning of the season jumped into his head. "It is clear you do not after what you have written about me this year, that I hardly know myself. What were you thinking then?" He knew he wasn't entirely blameless, but still…
"I was thinking… that I simply wanted the Colin I know back." He had never had to be anyone but himself with Pen. It was that simple. "Not this stoic man you returned as, acting as if you care for no one and need nothing. It's you. Kind and feeling, occasionally excitable, good-hearted man who I love. I should have told you myself." He wondered if she had tried. There were a few times she had tried to tell him something, but something else always got in the way. "And now, with the confidence you have helped me find this year, I am finally able to."
"So then, you do not need Whistledown anymore." She had him. What else could she need?
"I do not need to hide behind Whistledown anymore, but I am not saying there is not any value in it." He may have given her confidence, but he found hers in him lacking.
"Do you know what is most humiliating? I let you talk so much about my journal as if I were to be this … great writer." It had been incredibly flattering at the time. "When all this time, you have been a published writer renowned across Mayfair."
"Colin, I meant everything I said about your writing." She actually seemed offended that he would doubt it.
"You are putting yourself in danger being out here tonight." And yet she seemed quite comfortable walking around in the dark. Almost more confident. "And you've been putting yourself in danger living this double life all along."
"I have been careful." How long had she been venturing out alone at night? Why had her mother not put a stop to it or had she not even noticed?
"You have been foolish." Anything could have happened to her. The mere thought was almost paralyzing.
"Colin, I can take care of myself." That was what he was afraid of.
"Then what good am I to you?" He blurted it out before thinking. She had always had that effect on him.
"Colin, I love you." He had never found those three words as arousing as he did when they fell from her lips. "I love you."
Glancing down at her full lips he found himself wanting to kiss her despite being angry with her. He struggled to look back up to her pleading eyes before throwing caution to the wind and rushing forward to kiss her. Never breaking contact he shuffled her backwards until they were braced against a nearby store. He felt her shift up onto the doorstep so that they were at a more equal level, giving him better access to her.
When he was with Penelope like this, it was impossible to stop. He moved to her neck delighted in her passion filled gasps as he ran his hand up her leg. Her gasps deepening to groans when his fingers reached her centre. It was only when a carriage passed that he remembered they were in the street where anyone could happen upon them. "Stay still." He needed to get control of himself but also did not want Penelope seen like this. That was for his eyes only.
Catching his breath, he led her to where her carriage was waiting and helped her in. It was tempting to climb in with her and continue where they had left off, but they had already pushed their luck tonight. "I shall see you tomorrow." She nodded but did not look reassured that he would be there. As the carriage pulled away he knew that come rain or shine he would be marrying Penelope Featherington tomorrow. Not only could she be pregnant with his child, but no one else could possibly come close to filling his heart the way she did. She had ruined him for any other woman.