So this chapter. A lot happened and I can't promise everything is going to be in order of how it happened, but I can't exactly write it how I remember it either, because it'll make no sense.

I can't remember starting the year itself per say. All I remember is begging the teachers for me and Laura to be in the same class since I had no other close friends, and as far as I could tell, neither did she.

They finally relented and had us in the same class. It was the same class as I had been in year 7, plus Laura and a couple of others who weren't in the same class the year before.

I still have a photo of us all in the homeroom class that I just looked at while writing this. It's crazy how memory can work sometimes. Seeing everyone's faces again I was able to remember their names and how our classmate dynamic was. None of us were friends so much, but we got along well enough. Even if most of them didn't like me a whole lot.

Before Laura came into our class, I remember sitting by myself in all my classes, but I remember the math and English classes clearer. I would sit in the front row, right in the corner. I also remember a few times Sam Bell would try to sit next to or at least near me. Mainly to annoy me I think. I ignored him most of the time, but I don't think he was ever a real bully to me or anything.

The English and maths teachers were married, and neither of them liked me for whatever reason. I was never the disruptful type of kid. I was quiet and didn't speak unless spoken to. Or unless someone was attempting to bully me, in which case I would definitely say something. Although this didn't happen often in class. Not until year 9.

The English teacher was an older lady and I didn't have any issues with her, but I felt that she always looked down on us. She just always had that "fuck around find out" face on. Not friendly. I think that she was surprised I was even good at English. I remember getting an A on a full page description once. I still have it, mainly to prove to people that I'm not as dumb or stupid as they think I am.

The maths teacher...Now he REALLY didn't like me. It got to the point where I felt like he went out of his way to make me feel stupider, or just to plain old pick on me for the smallest things or just about nothing at all. Rob actually had to deliver newspapers to their house on his round, and told me once its just how they are. Rude cunts.

I was never any good at maths, but I don't see how that's a reason to bully a child. Especially since it was the teacher doing it.

Almost all the teachers who knew me would bully me. That and since there was 2 campuses, both assistant principals and the principal would do it too. They got sick of me telling on the bullies even though they were the ones telling me to tell them. Logic.

We were still living up on Digby rd at this point. Leana would have her friend Tracy come and stay. Tracy had a little boy named Tyden. I'm not sure if that's how it was spelt. He was a good kid; when his mum wasn't around. Being an only child, he was extremely spoilt.

Years later, I heard that while Tracy was asleep still, Tyden got on his bike, rode to the supermarket and went shopping. No one even noticed he was buy himself until he got to the register apparently. He was only about 3 or 4 when this happened.

Leana and Tracy would sit in Leana's room and watch Lost. Sometimes I'd be permitted to watch it with them. At the time, I just wanted to hang out with my mum, but it didn't take me long to not bother. I usually sat on the floor anyway and felt like I wasn't allowed to talk. Not that it was much different as usual.

At this point in life, my mum's mother, Sandra, was actually around. I don't remember seeing her at all actually, while I was a kid, but since we moved to Digby rd, Leana must have started talking to her again.

Sandra had been with Hank for a while, and then met Malcom. Mal we called him. It actually took me a second to remember his real name. Sandra was one of those gold digger types. I think I mentioned at the start that she didn't really protect her children from abuse. I heard about all the stuff that happened to Leana when she was a kid growing up. She wasn't shy in telling me. It made me wonder why she bothered talking to Sandra at all really, since she did a bloody good job at being scarce majority of my life.

She and Mal lived out towards Kenny st I think, on the road parallel to the highway going out to Coleraine. They had a decent sized house with a granny flat next door. They also had a large paddock with sheep. Mal had 3 or 4 sheep dogs, though I only remember Choccy. She was such a good dog. Mal had a few farms outside of Hamilton too that Sandra would take us to sometimes. I remember going to a farm full of lambs once. I took photos but I think I lost them.

I don't have many memories of Sandra other than brief trips to the farms and one time when I actually intentionally back chat her because I was sick of being told looks mattered.

The school uniform was a blue and white checkered dress; white shirt and plaid skirt for the girls. For summers and winters respectfully. I hated wearing dresses and skirts. I wasn't comfortable doing it. So one day, I put a pair of trackies underneath the skirt because I felt so cold. Sandra and Leana told me to take the pants off and I said I didn't want too because I was cold.

Sandra said: You look fat.

I said: I don't care if I look fat. I'd rather be warm.

I remember we stared at each other for a minute before Leana told me to take them off again. I went to my room but didn't take them off. That's all I remember about that. Other than that's when I decided I didn't like her.

We had a small flock of sheep that were all female, though somehow they all kept having babies. I don't know if we ever figured out why, though Chris was still around so he might have something to do with it.

I'm joking, but am I really.

We also had a friends Shetland pony named Kaz living with us, and a cow that Leana named Bruce. I asked her why she named him Bruce and she said: He's a hypochondriac like your grandfather.

The calf had spinabifida.

I remember Leana complaining about Mal one day and when I asked what happened, she said that he and Sandra were saying that how we lived was disgusting and that if we don't clean up and empty the trailer we had out the front that they would stop coming over.

I said: Good. If they're going to be like that, I don't want to see them.

I can't remember who I said that to though. I think Rob had the same thought. Since we lived out of town, we'd get rid of our rubbish by either having a bonfire or putting it in the trailer. I think it was emptied once every few weeks or whenever it was full anyway.

I mean, there WERE 7 people living in the house, so can't expect to have fuck all rubbish and the house to be hospital clean, can ya? Especially since only 2 of us were female.

And yes. I will say males are messy and gross. Particularly as kids, teens and young adults...All of which we had in the house.

I can't remember what came of that conversation, but I don't remember seeing Sandra for a while after that.

Going on the bus to school, we had to walk from our house, down the road and to the highway. There was a few people on the bus that went to different schools, so had to get off at Baimbridge where there was a bus exchange, to get to their schools. Rob, Seth and Dexter had to do this to get to their school, Gray St primary school.

Rob was in Grade 6, Seth was Grade 1 and Dex was a Preppy.

I don't really remember many people who were on the bus. I remember Lucas and Reece Baxter. They were brothers from Byaduk. I remember some kid named Matt. All of them went to Baimbridge and I didn't particularly care for any of them at the time. I barely knew their names, if at all.

This is the part that gets a little confusing and messy. I remember things but I don't remember in the right order. Some things happened nearer the start of the year, but other things happened closer the end of the year and don't get me started about in-between...

I'll try my best to remember in order, but I doubt it really matters honestly.

First thing that popped into my head when I mentioned that Matt kid was when him and 2 of his mates tried to bully my brothers one day after school. I'm pretty sure it was a Friday because Laura was coming home with us and staying for the weekend.

At first, they tried to pick on Rob, but he told them to fuck off. Then they tried to pick on Seth, which I thought: great, Seth's going to flip out.

Seth was the little firecracker child who never had a filter and got angry very quickly and easily.

He told them to fuck off and turned away. I was actually very proud of him for that. I was expecting him to start screaming at them.

Then, they tried on Dex. I relaxed a little because I thought he was going to do the same thing Seth did. Nope. Dex was the one wasn't going to take their shit, and started flipping out.

He was still only in prep and these guys were in year 7. To make its easier to understand, Dex was 6 and these guys were 12.

I decided to watch it closely, because Dex seemed to be doing a good job of standing up for himself. I can't really remember everything that was said either.

All I remember is that Matt kid calling Dexter gay because he "hangs out with girls instead of boys".

Dex: Well, if I'm gay because I hang out with girls, what does that make you if you hang out with boys?

I had to laugh about that. Savage 6 yr old vs dickhead twelevie.

But that's when Matt decided that he was going to threaten to bash Dex. Of course, he never made a move to try, so I didn't do anything yet. At least, I don't think I did.

What got me involved that I remember, is when Matt said: You know you can get laid at 6 years old?

That's when I remember walking right up to him and start yelling. Or raising my voice. Either or.

I remember clenching my fists, and my back being slightly bent. I remember staring at him, in his face while yelling at him. I can't really remember much of what I said, if I'm honest.

Basically told him off for picking on primary school kids. I also told him all of the boys he tried picking on were my brothers and he reckoned he didn't know that. Like, righto dickhead, you go on the same bus as us, as if you didn't know that.

Laura also had a go at these boys, saying that if they're so big for wanting to fight a 6 yr old, to fight her. They said no.

She said: What's the difference between a 6 yr old and a girl?

It took them a minute to reply with: You're a girl.

About then is when I could tell Laura was ready to deck them, someone yelled out that the bus was there, so I waited until everyone was on the bus before I got on. I remember stepping on the bus and everyone was quiet. I thought it was funny so started laughing and so did everyone else. Except that Matt kid. Fucken idiot.

On the Monday after that, I went straight to the Vice Principal, Mr Speed, and told him what happened. His exact words were: What's your brothers name?

Me: Dexter.

Mr Speed: Well, he should expect to get bullied with a name like that.

I was furious and I genuinely wanted to punch him the face, or at the very least yell at him. All I actually did was turn around and walk out. I decided after that to not bother saying anything to teachers again and if they decided to try and punish me for retaliating, I wouldn't listen to them at all. I had enough of being the punching bag.

During school times, we would hang out between the building where our classroom was and the woodwork building was. Usually there wasn't many people there and we were ok with that. If we weren't there, we were walking around the school or in the library. Both of us were book nerds.

I remember Leana used to pick me up from where the music room was. I'm not sure if that was before we started taking the bus or if there was a reason, I don't know. It might have even been when I was in year 7. Either way, I remember that. One of the boys from my class, Chris O'Keefe, would get picked up from there too. I tried to avoid him, not because he was a bully or anything, but because I was still an extreme introvert. I didn't like being around people. I also, at the time, had a small crush on him and seeing as I was never allowed to express emotions growing up, I didn't know what it was and how to deal with.

I tried to avoid him a lot, and it was easy enough when there were other people around, but when it was just us waiting, he'd come over and talk to me. Not that he'd manage to get 2 words out of me.

Writing that triggered a memory from when I was at Grovedale primary still. There was a boy there that I thought looked familiar and we were both loners. I don't think we ever spoke to each other even when we played together. I had the same feeling with him, which scared me since I was probably about 8 or 9. After a while, he disappeared from my memory, so I'm guessing he moved or got sick of me. When I became friends with Sophie, I went over to her house and met her brother. He was a teenager and kind of liked him too. Every time I got those feelings, I would get scared and I certainly wouldn't try and do anything. I do remember wanting to be around them though.

When I was a few months into year 8, Lucas Baxter, that guy from the bus that continually and annoyingly bullied everyone especially Dexter, decided to ask me out at school. Dexter was still only in prep, I was 13 and Lucas was 16, year 10.

I didn't like the guy and the day he asked me, I didn't even know his name. Laura was with me and I was shocked. I had no idea what to say since I had no interest in dating at all, let alone him. Of course, with me past history of being seen not heard, plus not allowed to say no; Laura poking me and encouraging me, I said: why not.

Terrible idea and that's probably the single thing I regret ever doing. I say this not because of my sexuality. That was never an issue for me. I liked both males and females as long as they had a decent personality and were decent people, and I was never shy about telling people. I was just never interested in dating at that point, and I felt pressured into it.

Lucas looked happy with himself and Laura was more excited than I was. I didn't see what the big deal was.

I can't remember Leana's reaction, but my brothers' reaction was negative, which I understood and still do. I just didn't know how to deal with it or anything. I was never taught. Leana's answer to raising me as a female was: Don't worry about it. A man can do that for you.

I'm genuinely cringing writing that.

Whatever classed as a relationship with him passed as a blur with only certain memories and none of them were good.

All I remember is Laura eventually telling me she knew him and hated him, and that really made me upset. I had no idea who this guy was and when she was encouraging me to be with him, I stupidly agreed. I wasn't happy with her for a while about it, but I don't think it ever showed.

There was a time we were on the other campus and they decided to start throwing sticks at each other. Lucas hit Laura in the side of the head or face with one and she, understandably, got mad and walked off. I can't remember if I followed her or not. I don't think I did, but I do remember telling Lucas off. Not that he cared about my opinion.

Another time, me and Laura were talking about how flexible we could be and she was doing the splits, or trying to. I used to be able to lay with my legs bent beside me, with my back flat on the ground. Of course, Lucas was there and made a joke to his friend by pretending to get on top of me. Everyone laughed except me. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and I just wanted to disappear.

After school at the bus stop was worse though. There was a set of fenced basketball/tennis courts with trees lined up near the bus exchange. I can't remember who the boy was, I do think it was Lucas, but I genuinely can't remember who it was or his face. This boy would take me into the trees and put his hands all over me, on top and under my clothes. At one time, I remember his friend being there as well. I can't remember if his friend ever did anything, but in all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised.

I think I blocked at whole event out because I can only remember that and once one of my friends coming and dragging me out of the trees. I assume it was Laura, but again I can't remember faces or anything.

I do remember Bruce coming to the bus stop one day to 'scare' him. He was in a bikie gang most of my life, so I guess he thought being in a gang would scare people.

He took me to school on the bike, Rex, once when I was in year 7, I think. I have to admit that was cool.

This relationship only last just under a year, and I can't remember why it ended, not that it matters or I don't really care.

After that, I still had to deal with him on the bus, but I ended up becoming friends with Reece.

At home, I had started getting worse thoughts about myself and harming myself than I usually did. At school, not only was all this stuff happening, but also the bullying from the students and teachers. If it wasn't bullying, it was completely ignoring me. The students I didn't care so much about them ignoring me, but the teachers were never interested in giving me half a chance.

I'm going to stop here for a little bit and breathe. There's still a lot more to write, but it's going to get a bit much.