This is still my Year 8 year

I'm still 13 years old

Chapter Text

Growing up, I was always told how disgusting and smelly I was. I was called fat, ugly, dumb, stupid. My nickname at one stage was: Natty Chat or Nat Nat have a Chat. This was for 2 reasons. One was because I liked to talk. Usually I was quiet but when I started talking I couldn't stop.

The other reason was 'chat' was a slang word for disgusting, gross or smelly. I remember once when we were still living in Belmont that I came out to tell Leana that I brushed my teeth.

Leana: Are they furry?

Me: Yes.

Leana: Then you didn't brush them. It has to be smooth.

Me: Oh, it is. I didn't know what you meant.

She still made me brush them again. Of course, this sounds like a normal interaction but I really did brush my teeth and they really didn't feel furry; I just told my mother what she wanted to hear. I think I was worried about if she would hit me if I didn't say what she wanted. She was always saying: When was the last time I smacked you?

For years she would say stuff like that. I would always reply with: I don't know.

I had blocked out the physical abuse until Rob brought it up years later.

My grandmother, Colleen, tried to make me more girly by trying to get me into makeup and dresses and stuff. Telling me I was pretty and skinny and I didn't have acne, it's just a rash.

Even at the time, I appreciated what she trying to do, but at the same time I felt I was being pushed into being a female that I didn't want to be. It felt like I was being pushed to do these things to please everyone else, particularly males, even if it made me miserable.

Again, it proved to me that my feelings and opinions didn't matter.

Being told over and over again how horrible, disgusting, fat, ugly, skinny, pretty, sexy, hot, cute;

And the comments of: You'd be more attractive if you got rid of the acne.

And before you ask, yes, my mother was the one who said that. Multiple times.

There was also one time when I was having a bath when we still lived in Bendigo. For some reason, Leana came into the bathroom and said she was going to teach me to shave. She meant my legs, but that's just how she said it. As I was doing it, she made the comment: Fuck, you're a hairy bitch.

Now, I can look back and be like: Fucking obviously. I never shaved before.

But at the time, I felt upset and ashamed. I already felt like there was something wrong with me and this interaction didn't help. I also hated baths' but that was for different reasons. Actually now that I think about it, I have a large scar on my left knee from cutting it on a broken tile in the bath when I was 3 I think.

Leana told me that me and Rob were in the bath and she heard screaming, came into the bathroom and saw the bath water turning red from blood. No, I wasn't taken to get stitches. From the size of the scar today, I probably should have gotten it done.

With all the conflicting comments and remarks, I didn't know what to believe growing up, so every one of those comments now makes me uncomfortable to this day. Just don't remark on my appearance at all and we won't have a problem.

As a teenager, with all of these expectations, I felt like I wasn't allowed say no. Well actually, it was more like 'no' wasn't in my vocabulary because it was never taught to me. That's more what it felt like. More accurate description.

At home, I was never comfortable. I was either in my room, or on my paper round. That's the only thing that made me happy at that point; well, that and reading.

I had a phone at this point and that was only because I was doing the paper round.

My bedroom was off the back room, at the back of the house. Basically how it was set out was you'd walk in the front door, and both Leana & Chris' bedroom was straight to the left, and the boys' bedroom right beside that. To the right was the loungeroom and kitchen. There wasn't a door, it was just a big arch way between the kitchen and the loungeroom. Then there was a door to the backroom which was basically just a carpeted mudroom. The laundry/toilet was on the right and on the left was the bathroom and my bedroom. It was the smallest but there was only one of me.

One night, Leana came into my room at about 8pm. I was already in bed and trying to sleep, even though I was still an insomniac at this point, I still tried.

Leana: Go hang up the washing.

Me: I'll do it in the morning when it's not dark.

Leana: No. You'll get up and do it now.

So I had to get up and hang up the washing in the dark. I remember looking out the window at the washing line. It was one of those winding metal ones with thick wire around it.

My thought was: I could hang myself up there.

But instantly after that, I thought that: What if one of the boys finds me?

I didn't care if Leana or Chris found me, but I was terrified about the boys finding or what would happen if I wasn't here. Chris was already beating on them, though he never touched me for whatever reason.

Leana knew about it, but never did anything. Sometimes she even witnessed it.

Another time, Chris and Leana were fighting. Full on screaming and yelling at each other, so I took all the boys into my room and tried turning the music up.

Rob: Turn it down, I want to hear it.

I shook my head and only turned it down a little. I could tell the younger boys were afraid, and Rob was amused by the fight. He was right about hearing it though; I needed to hear when it was done.

We heard a crash and then the yelling stopped. I can't speak for the boys, but I wasn't really concerned about the adults. I was more worried about checking to see if it had stopped. We waited quietly for a minute and then I told the boys to wait in my room. I told Rob specifically not to come out, then walked out to check if we could come out.

I remember looking over to where the oven was. How the kitchen was set up was:

(Benches, oven, backroom door)

/

There was bits of white, ceramic vase stuck to the wall. I found out later it was one of the vase set Chris bought Leana, and she threw it so hard that it stuck to the wall. She denies this and says she threw it as he was walking out the front door. I saw her in the hallway picking up the pieces of broken vase, so I think 2 of them were thrown, or something else white was thrown at the wall. I asked if we could come out and she said no. So I went back to the room.

I don't remember what happened after that.

While Chris never put his hands on me, he always made me feel uncomfortable. He just had that creep feeling about him. He would make comments and he even gave me a nickname: Bubble butt.

I was so used to stuff like this that while it made me uncomfortable, it was also very normal. He would also make a big deal out of bodily functions like farting, pooping and anything else. Especially since I was a girl, made it so I was the target a lot of the time. He would tell me I stink, that I don't shower, don't use deodorant, etc. He would say these things to the boys as well, but the boys seemed to take it better than I did. Chris would go out of his way to fart or burp on the boys; I can't remember if he ever did it to me. He would go into the toilet after I did, and inspect it. It was worse if the toilet refused to flush properly. I remember once he dragged the boys in there to inspect a poop that wouldn't flush, even though I tried so many times. That toilet was temperamental. He did that more than once, but I remember that particular time because the name calling and such got worse after that.

I was never comfortable using the toilet after that. I would find ways to double lock the door, turn the dryer on so no one could hear me and not leave the toilet until everything flushed down.

Once, after I was sick of everything going on, I realised how serious I was thinking about suicide. I realized I had to tell Leana, but I knew either she wouldn't care or I'd get yelled at. I was in my room and walked out to the kitchen door before I could talk myself out of it.

She was sitting at the kitchen table, Chris was doing dishes or something at the sink to my left, and the boys were play-wrestling in the loungeroom.

I can't remember exactly the wording I used, but I basically said to Leana that I was thinking about suicide. Instead of asking why or anything, she turns around and says: Well, you know where the knife block is.

I remember just staring at her. I saw Chris stop and turn around to look at her and the boys stopped playing and looked at us. I still don't know if they actually heard what she said.

The feeling I felt was something like: Fine, I will.

But I looked at the boys, and thought: They don't deserve that. Then turned around walked back to my room.

I don't think it was ever brought up again by anyone.

I would go to Laura's house to get away from home, and got to know her family pretty well. I'm sure she knew what was going on at my house, even if I didn't tell her.

Reece would come around to visit, though I can't remember when that started or ended. He had a license and car by then, and we would sit out the front. I remember having rollerblades on one night and just going up and down the road. I remember mentioning that I was cold one night and he said: You should've put a jumper on.

I can laugh at that now, but at the time it made me sad. I can't really understand why, though I think I did have a small crush on him at that point, maybe.

I can't remember when, but Rob became friends with a kid named Kieran. Christian had moved away at this point, and I remember him calling us on the home phone. I answered and I can't remember what was said other than we said we missed each other. We had become friends as well at some point.

Kieran had an older brother named Michael and a sister my age named Katrina. They used to live on the opposite block from us, around the corner on Digby Rd.

Me and Katrina became friends, and I can't really remember if Katrina and Laura got along. I feel like they didn't really, but I can't remember. At one point, we would have parties or sleepovers almost every weekend. We had loud music and there was drinking of the alcohol. I can't remember when that started, but usually what happened was we would set the tents up in the backyard and we would all sleep out there. Sometimes we would have bonfires and Chris would encourage us to throw batteries and aerosol cans into the fire.

I would go for walks around the edge of the paddock, just to get me out of the house. The parties didn't really do much as relief from home life, aside for Chris acting like a teenager, or just an out right idiot. He wouldn't be harassing us as much with other people there.

One night, we had a fairly big party, though seeing as there were already 7 people living in the house, it probably seemed bigger than it was.

I'll try and remember who was there:

Leana

Chris

Seth

Dexter

Jesse (though I think he was in bed since he was barely 1year old).

Rob

Me

Michael

Katrina

Kieran

Laura (I think. I can't remember seeing her, but she would always be at our house when she could).

I don't think there was anyone else. We were drinking, except for Seth and Dexter, though all of us kids, minus Jesse, were sleeping in the tents in the backyard.

I remember the loud music and everyone pretending we were at a club. We tried so hard to get Michael to dance and eventually he did. I do remember feeling that was cool as.

I remember seeing Chris leaning his back against the bench and Katrina touching his face, but I don't remember anything after that. Except When everyone went to bed; me and Michael couldn't sleep so we went for a walk around the paddock, just talking and saying how we couldn't sleep or something. I told him I liked him and he told me he was gay. Which was fine; I accepted it and we were still mates.

At school, me and Katrina wouldn't hang out as much. She did have her own friends. Though to be honest, I can't remember a time where I actually hung out with Katrina at school. I remember outside of school.

About the same time, I had started getting into fights at school. Not physical ones, but they were always with males. Laura's older brother Andrew, would hang around with us and follow us around. I didn't care one way or the other, but Laura hated it.

One day, I can't remember how it started, but he threatened to smash Laura in the head with a concrete slab. I stood right in front of him and told him he'd have to get through me first and dared him to try. He didn't. Lucas was there that particular time but there were multiple times that happened.

I met a male through Lucas and his friends, named Aaron Baker. I heard rumours that he was physically abusive to women and he was just not the type of person you wanted around.

After me and Lucas broke up, me and Laura would tease him and his best friend sometimes. One day in particular I remember we were picking on them for being gay together or something. It wasn't true, we were just being dicks. I do remember the teasing was a retaliation for something, I just can't remember what. I don't think it was anything specific, they just wouldn't leave us alone or something.

The building we used to hang out around was a blue brick, so me and Laura started to use rocks as chalk to right what we were saying on the wall. It was behind some bushes, so only visible to people who would regularly hang out there. Lucas decided to go and tell the teacher on us, so we followed to the teachers office. The office had 3 teachers and the principal in it and the principal told us to clean off the writing and we ended up getting a yard duty or after school detention. I can't remember which. A yard duty is basically walking around the school picking up rubbish.

I called Lucas out for his bullying and told the principal to do something about that or I'm refusing. The principal threatened another punishment and I told him that since he's refusing to do anything about my bullying, that if I retaliate again from said bullying and I get into trouble that I'll make even more trouble. I turned around and walked away. I still remember Lucas smirking and feeling like I wanted to throw a chair at his face.

I ended up telling Leana and Sandra about the bullying at school and they went up to the school to speak with the principal. The principal, Robert Vecchiet, sat us all down in his office then Leana and Sandra talked to him about the bullying.

He said: You never told us about that.

I looked him directly in his face and said: Really?!

He said: Yea.

I was furious. Afterwards, both Leana and Sandra said they'd never believe me about the bullying again and I wasn't surprised. The principal was a male and they always believed them over me anyway.

Another day, me and Laura walked out of the building to our usual spot and there were so many people standing around. It was unusual for this many people to be in that spot.

I saw Katrina crying and she didn't tell me anything, but leaned on my shoulder. That's when I turned around and saw Baker with the knife. I pushed Katrina onto Laura and told her to hold her. I walked right up to Baker and told him to give me the knife. I had my hand out for it too. He said no and there was a bit of back and forth, with him pointing the knife at himself and then me and back again. I ended up grabbing the blade and repeating for him to give it to me. He said that would pull the blade out of my hand and I told him to do it. He eventually handed me the knife and I turned around and dropped it in the bin. I was debating throwing it on the roof but I was worried it would drop down the otherside and hit another kid.

I made him go apologise to Katrina as well. I remember Laura walking up to me but I cant remember what she said. I also remember Katrina and another person walk inside. They had gone to tell Mr Speed and I remember being annoyed about that because I felt it was dealt with.

Baker was also there when me and Laura had to clean the writing off the walls. Everyone else had gone back to class and he was the only one there with us.

He said: If you write something like that again, I'll smash your face into a brick wall.

I looked at him and said: Do it. There's no one else around. You only say that stuff when there's no one here. Do it.

He didn't. He just stared at me and walked away.

This part is where my memory is a little vague. I remember, somehow, becoming friends with Baker and a kid named Kyron. Reece was still around somewhere. I remember going to the outdoor pool a fair bit and Reece would come sometimes and Baker and Kyron sometimes.

This might have been at the end of year 8.