Either I don't remember much, or my memories get jumbled in certain times. My timeline is not straight.

Sometimes I'll remember things from my childhood as I'm writing this, such as when me and Rob went with Seth and Dexter's grandmother, Terry Barron, to some kind of show or event. I remember it was in a big shed and it had to do with animals. There was a show that I loved back then called Harry's Practice. Harry was there and so was his co-host. I remember meeting them both, but Harry was rude to me; telling me to get out of the way so he could get a photo with a boy that was the same age. I can't remember how old I was. I would like to think the co-host felt bad for me, so she signed my card, even though she didn't have to.

Sometimes my memories will even jump forward to when I'm older and remind me of something of when I was older. I won't share an example yet as I haven't got far into this story yet.

Back at home, our dogs were gone and we had 2 more. Smithy was a Smithfield x Kelpy and Jai was a red Kelpy. We got Smithy when he was a pup, when Jesse was nearly 2 years old. I can't remember exactly when we got Jai; He basically just appeared one day.

Leana and Chris decided that to get time to themselves that they'd walk the dogs together everyday. They would do it after us kids got home from school, so we were home alone while they went a walk that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Depending on where they walked too. We went a couple of times, but usually it was just them.

Eventually, Chris just started taking the dog for a walk by himself. I don't remember when that happened and I don't even remember noticing.

The people across the road from us used to have 2 ex race horses. They were very good horses. Their names were Polly and Jarrah. Polly was the quieter one, and Jarrah was a little more cheeky. They had a Shetland pony as well, named Squirt. Sometimes we were allowed to go over there and ride the horses or just help look after them.

During this time, I was still doing paper round. One day was really hot and I forgot to bring my drink bottle. I'd gotten to the end of the first street of my round before I sat down against the street light pole. All I remember is closing my eyes thinking I was gonna rest for a bit before I kept going. I vaguely remember a woman grabbing me and pulling me into her house, but I think I was so out of it I didn't say anything. The lady sat me down and gave me a drink of water and made me call Leana. I didn't want to, because I knew I'd get into trouble. I called and asked Leana to bring me a drink bottle and she did. She wasn't happy about it but I can't remember what she said about it. She gave me the drink bottle and left me to do the rest of the round.

I loved doing my paper round. The people I delivered to were really nice, even if I rarely saw some of them. There was an elderly lady I used to talk to all the time. We would talk for an hour before I realised the time. She was a very nice lady.

There was a group of us kids that would do different areas of town. We'd meet at the back of Beatties, waiting for the newspapers to be ready. During public holidays or Christmas and Easter, we'd make 'bets' on who'd get the most money. Most of the people we delivered to were nice people. I think they appreciated kids our age actually working.

The people I delivered to would put presents and cards and chocolate into their mailboxes for me . Sometimes, it would be for Easter or Christmas, but some of them found out when my birthday was and gave me money in cards for my birthday as well as Christmas. Some would even put money in the mailboxes just because they could. One Christmas every single person put a card in the mailbox for me and most of them had money in it. I counted it all and the cards and I ended up with over $300. That was not including the pay from Beatties.

I think Katrina did a paper round as well, now that I think about it. Keiran and Michael did as well.

Once we started hanging out and realised that they lived on Digby Rd just around the block, that's when they started coming over. Almost every weekend, because we had a paddock and tents it wasn't too big of a deal.

After Katrina and Chris met, Katrina was around a lot. I never noticed at the time what was going on, but I was told afterwards. Katrina's home life was apparently pretty bad. I'm not going to say anything about it here because it's not my place and I only know what I was told. She came over and apparently Chris was giving her attention. Chris started going for dog walks by himself in the afternoons and walks around the paddock in the early mornings. I was told later on that the walks around the paddock was so he could take phone calls from Katrina. The dog walks were so he could meet up with her. He was 24 and she was 13. Leana had to go looking for Chris for some reason one afternoon so got in the car and drove the route they usually take. She told me she found the dog tied to a tree and Chris coming out with grass on his back. She found Katrina hiding in a bush with her dog. Leana took Katrina home and told her parents. Apparently Katrina's step dad, also named Chris, slapped her so Leana said something to him, but that was the end of it. Leana took Chris home and we never knew about this until way later.

Leana stayed with Chris for 7 and a half years.

Katrina just sort of ended disappearing from my memory, and years later I was told she ended up in foster care. I don't know why exactly, or even when.

I had started making more friends, or at least, meeting more people or becoming more tolerate of people. Most of these people were my classmates though. They knew what I was like, so they didn't do anything like real bullying. Maybe the odd teasing, but not real bullying.

I was always weird, but didn't exactly know it even though I always said I was. There were a few times I can look back on and wonder how my classmates tolerated me how they did.

Once, I put a lambs tail in a boys bag. I thought it was going to be funny, and Laura certainly did, though I don't think she actually thought I was going to do it. I probably did it for attention really. I was constantly ignored, so I figured people would ignore this too.

Another time, I told Laura that the only lollies that made me a little hypo were the Red Skins. They're sticky, red lollies. I think they've changed the name now. After eating a couple, she dared me to tell one of our classmates, Sam, that I liked him. I knew she did so I said: ok; and walked right up to him and told him she did. I can't really remember what happened after that but I remember it was funny.

I just didn't care what people thought of me. At all.

The first time I saw Chris Tutt was when I was in class down the year 7 corridor. I looked over because Mr Speed was coming down the corridor with a year 7 kid. He had his on the base of his neck, basically forcing him down the corridor to his office. I watched them, wanting to run out there and yell at Mr Speed, even though I didn't even know the kid.

I found out later he was in trouble for throwing a chair or something. Though I can't remember why.

I can't remember exactly how we actually met or when we started hanging out, but there was a few times where he would come to our house, but I think I mostly went to his house.

If I wasn't with Laura, I was with Tutty. Reece sort of went off and started doing his own thing and I think Lucas might have left school; or if he didn't, I can't remember seeing him.

Baker and Kyron were still around, but we didn't really hang too much I don't think. I remember one time at the pool, I was there with Leana, Chris, my brothers, Baker and Kyron. I think Laura was with us too. Baker said something that can't remember but I think it was something bad, and looked straight at Chris, thinking he heard him.

I said: I wouldn't worry about Chris, I'd more worried about Mum hearing you.

Baker and Kyron laughed, saying they weren't scared of Leana, but then I started laughing saying: Chris won't do shit, Mum's the one you gotta be worried about. I don't know if they believed me, but that was the end of that.

I remember another time, vaguely, that Baker or Kyron was at our house. I don't remember how that came about, but I remember being in the paddock and pointing to the small dam saying for him to look in there. We had a plastic crocodile head in there that looked real. I remember it made him jump and I started laughing but that's all I remember. I'm pretty sure it was Baker though.

I can't remember exactly what happened, but I think Kyron moved up to Western Australia, and Baker...I have no idea where he fucked off to.

I can't remember the end of the year. I know that during all this, me and Rob would got to Bruce and Colleen's house for holidays. Uncle Craig lived with them, so he was always there too. He worked at a piggery and would take us with him sometimes.

I remember jumping into the pig pens and letting them chase us out. They were big pigs, too. Bigger than us and they would definitely bite someone.

Craig would buy Rob a remote control car or truck every birthday, I remember. They were close, since Howie wasn't really around a whole lot.

I always felt that the only reason Howie even saw us was because of other people like when he was with Sam, or when our grandparents would basically force contact.

I remember once that me, Kelly, Luke and Rob were racing around my grandparents dam with no shoes on. That type of thing was normal for us; and I stepped on a long piece of wire. Howie drove down the driveway and said something about going into town so we got in the car. He noticed the wire and turned the car around to go back to the house. I remember he sat me on the coffee table and yanked the wire out. It was at least an inch or so deep, and I can't even remember which foot, but every time I think about it, my right foot cringes. So probably that one. There's not even a scar that I've noticed, but I used to go barefoot all the time. I was probably about 7 years old maybe when that happened. I only think that because Howie was with Sam at that point.

I have a vague memory of Tutty walking down the road to our house, but I can't really remember him actually being at our house. I think we mostly just hung out outside.

Me and the boys were all so used to being outside, that most of my memories are of being outside. We used to be locked out at times. We also had to walk or ride everywhere. Only times we were driven was long trips or night times. Only sometimes were we driven anywhere within walking distance. Not often.

The end of year 8 was a blur and so was the start of year 9. While I have a unofficial year 8 photo of our class, that's all that's left that I have. Aside from from the vague and distance memories.

I can't begin to try to explain the emotions I felt that year. It was just all pain. I felt so much pain emotionally and mentally that I didn't know how to express let alone name. Not being believed or cared about. Being told how horrible I was. I felt that if I disappeared or died, nobody would have cared; and I truly believe still to this day that it's true; that it was true back then, with the exception of my brothers.

By this time in my life, I didn't feel like a person. I wasn't a girl or a boy; I wasn't an animal or a spirit. I just was...here. Here to be used and abused; Just a meat sack. The dissociation was real at this point in my life. Well in-grained.