I adopted a personality. It's not mine; I'm borrowing it. I became more sarcastic, blunt and rude. It kept people away. Well, for the most part anyway. I only wanted some people around; I was picky about who I was close friends with.

Unfortunately, when it came to people wanting things from me, I didn't have the resistance or the boundaries, or the vocabulary to say no, or explain I didn't like it or want it.

I was brought up to be seen and not heard. I was brought up to be the scapegoat. I was brought up as a slave; as a practice child.

As such we all were told as we were growing up. Told we were born so Leana didn't have to do things such as the dishes, housework, cooking etc.

I remember doing dishes at the age of 8, which is fine in a normal situation. Ours, not so much.

I still think that Leana resented us for being born. Me and Rob specifically. She didn't exactly hide her distain of us, even if she refuses to acknowledge it.

At this time, I had forgotten all the physical abuse that have happened. I had started reading and writing a lot, to the point people didn't like it. They said I was too much of a recluse and antisocial. I didn't care, I just wanted to read. I started writing at 12 years old, but I found out at about 8 or 9 years old that I was somewhat good at it. We had to write a short story for class about How Sharks got Sharp Teeth. I can't remember exactly how I wrote it, but basically a friend of the shark showed them some really sharp seaweed or kelp was, and it cut the sharks gums open to the teeth.

I got a scratch and sniff sticker for that. Those were basically like getting an award when we were kids. I got an A in English at high school too. That's around the time I started writing my own stories. I haven't posted any that I've written at that age. I'd imagine they'd be cringey.

When I was reading, I would basically become so engrossed in whatever book I was reading, I'd pretty much be living in that world in my head. Some of these book-worlds seemed safer than my life at any rate.

I've been procrastinating writing year 9. Some things I can't remember and others I do remember. Only bits and pieces, some clear and some vague; and not always in order.

I can't remember exactly when me and William Crozier started dating. The next memory I have after him starting to talk to me, is when we walked into the year 9 corridor and a girl I knew, Emily Muir, walked up to Will and tried to punch him in the face. I can't remember if she said anything to him, but he walked away and I asked her why she did that. I was more curious than mad or anything. We got along well enough, so I was concerned more about what made her do it. She refused to tell me, but she didn't seem mad at anyone but Will. She said not to worry about it and it had nothing to do with me.

Most of being at school was a blur, but I can remember that I don't think Will and Laura liked each other too much. I remember someone saying it was probably because Laura was jealous, but I can't remember who said it. I tried to placate everyone, but it was difficult.

I remember one day, I can't remember why, but Leana had told me I wasn't allowed to see Will. I might have been grounded or it might have been simply because she didn't like him. I'm not sure which. He was aware of this and by this time, he knew my paper round and that we went to the park afterwards. This particular day, I was supposed to come home before dark, but Will was waiting for me at the park. I kept trying to leave, but I felt I couldn't. Once it started getting dark, I started walking and he followed. We got to the intersection that goes up Digby Rd, and I saw Leana driving down looking for me. I saw her shake her head at me and turn around to go back up home. I felt the blood drain from my face and I was internally shaking. I knew I was in trouble. Will said goodbye and walked away. I remember walking my bike a few steps, then looking around but he was gone.

I walked all the way, even though I could have ridden, but I was scared about what was going to happen. Once I got to the top of Pioneer St, Leana was walking really fast towards me. She said: Are you scared?

I remember being confused. I was thinking on the way home: If I explain what happened, maybe she wouldn't hurt me.

So I said no. She slapped me. Right across the face. She didn't even let me open my mouth to say anything. I remember my head not moving. I remember my face feeling hot, but there was no pain, even though it was a hard hit.

I just stared at her for a minute, then slowly walked up to the house. I don't remember anything after that. I assume I went to my room.

I don't remember how it started, but things became sexual. We never actually had sex; at least not in my memory anyway.

I didn't want any of what was happening, but I didn't know how to explain that to him. 'No' wasn't a word and I didn't know any other way to explain. I couldn't ask Leana about it, and any of the boys were out of the question. I don't think I talked to Laura about it and Tutty...Well, we were as close as me and Laura were at that point and I felt he would get himself into trouble somehow if I mentioned anything.

I remember once being at Tuttys house, and we were talking about something to do with Will. I think it was him we were talking about anyway. I remember saying that the bf, whoever is was, was accusing me of cheating or something. I think that's about as far as I told him anything that was going on.

Most of the time, it never even crossed my mind to tell anyone. Not just to tell what was happening, but to do what most people do and tell their friends. Never crossed my mind to even do that.

I can't really remember anything happening in Pioneer St, but I remember a fair bit happening in Hiller Lane.

It was a 2 story house with a brick verandah. There was a shed on the side where the driveway was. The backyard was a decent size with a tyre swing, a small pond and a water tank. There was an outdoor laundry with a toilet next to it.

Through the front door was a corridor that went to each side rather than in front. On the right side was a bedroom, and to the left of that was a door to another room with a fireplace.

Down the left of the corridor was the loungeroom. Passed that was the narrow dining room; through there was the kitchen and the bathroom. Through the other side of the dining room was the door to the other side of that middle room. In the middle room was a bedroom off it. The 3 younger boys had that room.

There was a spiral staircase to the 2nd floor. There was another middle room and a bedroom off each side. My room was to the right and Robs was to the left. Each of those 3 rooms had a window that opened up to the street.

That house was always cold and always felt something there. I never really told anyone anything how I felt about it until one day I saw a little girl at the top of the stairs. I ran to see if she was still there but she disappeared. I asked Leana afterwards if the priest in the 1800s who built the house had a little girl and she said: Probably, why?; and I told her. It surprised me that she kind of believed me, explaining when she was about 4 years old, a little girl pushed her down the stairs and she told Sandra. Sandra said: what girl? And Leana pointed to something at the top of the stairs but Sandra didn't see anything. The house that Leana said that happened in, isn't there anymore. It was demolished.

There was a small crawl space cupboard at the bas of my bed. I always felt afraid of that crawl space but I never knew why. It was just an empty cupboard. I would always fill it with boxes and put something heavy in front of it. It was always a bad feeling.

Most the memories from that house are muddled. I don't know what happened and when. I'm sure I'll get corrections from people as they read this.

At this point with Will, I was all but afraid of him. I was also afraid of Leana and basically unseen by any other adult. There was a few times I went to Will's house, met his family and everything. The way they were made me kind of uncomfortable. It felt like they were all a little too formal with each other, but at that point, I knew my family life was different from most peoples.

He came to our house a fair bit as well. He was also allowed up in my room. I remember one day, I was laying on my bed and he was sitting next to me. Jesse came in and because he was harassing us, I raised my voice at him to get out. He was about 2 or 3 at that point. Will reached over and hit me on the backside, and said something to me about not yelling at Jesse. I can't remember the exact words. I just remember jumping and staring at him for a few seconds. After that, I just put my head down and didn't speak. I only remember that part and nothing afterwards.

I don't know when it started, but Will had started taking photos and videos of the things he did. I didn't like it, but it's not like I had a choice in the matter. I only remember a small handful of times he did it, and if he did it other times I either can't remember or he did it without telling me.

One time, we were in the back of the shed. There was a small room in the back of the shed where we put our bikes. He got me to stand there while he took my pants down and did what he did. I only remember this in 3rd person point of view, and I remember just zoning out. Remembering it now causes anxiety though.

One holidays, when my grandparents still owned the green shed in Kingston SE, South Australia, Will had come with me and Rob. I don't remember which holidays we went or how long we went for. I only remember a small handful of things that happened. All I remember is when me and Will were walking into town and he was saying something about this particular road we were on would be good for a movie and put a song on to some what he meant. Another memory was in the car. The grandparents must have got out to do something, Rob was in the front seat and we were in the back. I had a pimple on my nose and I hated it. Tried to get rid of it and I remember saying something about being ugly. Will forcibly kissed me and all I remember about it was it was extremely uncomfortable and not just because Rob was there.

The next thing I remember is being in the shed. The shed was set up like the inside of a house, but there was only 2 rooms. The big room was a loungeroom, kitchen and bedroom. There was a potbelly stove as well. The other room was a bathroom and laundry. We didn't have running water, though we had a water tank to collect water from. It was like camping but inside. We even had a portaloo and a camp shower. A rubber bag with a showerhead attached, for those who don't know what it is. Showering in that room was cold, but otherwise it was fine.

I remember having mattresses on the floor and one day me and Will ended up doing stuff. I can't remember what initiated it, but I remember it was day time, and I don't think anyone was around. We had the blanket on and I remember that was one of the times he videoed it. The next memory I have is of my Nan telling us something but I can't remember the words. I felt ashamed afterwards, though Will seemed to find it funny.

We went to Robe, which is about 30 minutes away from Kingston. My grandparents friend, Woody, used to work at a fishery on the mariner that was attached to a fish and chip shop. These are no longer there now.

Me and Will went for a walk down to the beach just down from this mariner and there was a small cave there. I wanted to have a look and he followed me in. I can't remember anything else other than stuff happened that was also videoed.

Back in Hamilton, I would go to his house and his mother seemed to like me well enough. During all this stuff going on, I would vent to him about my life at home. I had felt at the time that I was going everything, housework, babysitting, etc. The housework had to be perfect or I would have to do it all again. I would be yelled at if I had I do housework while babysitting, and if I didn't do the housework or didn't do it perfect. I would also have to skip school to babysit at times, so Leana could work.

While at Will's house one day, stuff happened and he kissed me afterwards, basically spitting into my mouth that also had other stuff. I felt so sick afterwards, that I felt like throwing up.

Another time, he tried to get me to suck him. That didn't work out either. I felt sick from even being near it.

I can't remember if it was the same day, but he told me that he had put all the videos, photos and audios onto his computer. He was also watching and listening to one on his bed one day when I walked in.

He didn't keep comments to himself while we were in public either. I was at Beatties one day, waiting for the truck to come when he came and told me that his mum was at Kmart waiting for me. I told him that I had to wait for the truck but he insisted. His friend, Tim, was there too.

I went to Kmart, which was only across the carpark, and found his mum. She decided that she was going to buy me some clothes, though I didn't really want her to, but she insisted. Since I grew up to basically be a 'yes sir' person, I accepted. She bought me underwear and shirts and stuff. I only remember a bra and a small button blouse thing. It was a light brown with a butterfly on the back but it was one of those covered in holes ones. I don't know what they're called.

Will made the comment, in front of his mum and friend, that I should wear that for him and nothing else. His mum slapped at him and he just laughed, though I didn't find it funny at all. I think I thought he was being serious, because of all the other stuff.

I became very angry, and would take it out on people. Unintentionally, but I would. Jesse would get it the most because of babysitting. It was never his fault, he was just being a toddler obviously, I just would become frustrated with him and yell mostly. I did smack him a couple of times, but I don't have any vivid memories of it. I just know I did.

I was afraid and anxious all the time. I would have panic attacks and one time I remember having a full blown anxiety attack. I was sitting on the couch and we were all watching a movie. All of a sudden, my body went stiff and every time I tried to move, I was in so much pain all over. I could barely breath without being in pain. I slightly turned my head to Leana and said: Help me.

She just looked at me and said: What do you want me to do about it?

It probably only lasted a few minutes but it felt like so much longer. I can't even remember what movie, though I remember getting up and walking out when a rape scene came on, so I'm assuming it was the same movie.

And yes. All of us children were watching it. Leana, Chris, me, Rob and the younger boys. It was the middle of the day.

In the Hiller Lane house, all this happened and then Will came over one day. I can't remember where everyone else was, but I was home and I'm pretty sure I was babysitting.

Will decided that he was going to break up with me. I can't remember the exact reason. I think it had something to do with Leana, but I can't be sure. I was really upset, but when he started to get upset, I just stopped feeling anything and just comforted him.

He left at some point and Leana came back. She asked why I was upset; I must've had red puffy eyes or something, and I could barely get out the words before crying again. I tried to hug her but she barely acknowledged it and I remember a look of disgust on her face. There was no...comfort I think is the right word?

I only remember Leana hugging me twice in my life. Once was willingly and the second was the time I just described. She one arm hugged me and I barely felt it and certainly barely remember it. The first time was when I decided to write a letter to Pa, Christopher, Leana's father. He was dead by then, but since she told me we were close, I figured why not. I wrote a letter about how I wanted to kill myself and all that. I showed it to her, and I think the only thing that she actually acknowledged was the fact I wrote it to her dead dad.

I can't remember whether it was at school or at my house, but there was a time he made a move of some kind at it kind of got my hopes up. For a total of 2 seconds.

We did up back together, though I have no idea how or when that happened. That's when I started to talk to him about how I felt at home. Feeling like I was nothing but a slave basically, though I doubt I ever used those words.

Will started to say that he would call DHS or CPS on us and that I could then come and live with him and his family. The whole idea terrified me for a lot of different reasons. I don't think he ever actually called, but I was equally terrified and angry that he would have the audacity to say it. All I wanted to do was vent to someone about my situation and now I was stuck between a rock and hard place. Tell Leana and risk the backlash or not say anything and risk having him call?