So I realised I haven't really explained how I was feeling this entire time. I also realised that I was mostly just numb. Right up to this point in my life, all this stuff was normal.
I only knew it wasn't normal because I was around different people and they all had their own normal. This stuff that happened, that continued to happen, was my own normal.
The fact that I was always told to not be dramatic, sooky, a hypochondriac, etc. That didn't help.
I feel like I was drowning internally all the time. That's the only way I can accurately explain it. It wasn't exactly a specific feeling like sadness or anger. It was a combination of all the bad, negative feelings rolled into one really really tight ball. It's wound so tight you can't find the difference between sadness and anger, anxiety and fear. It's all the same feeling. Despair is probably the closest possible description.
When stuff happened, I didn't even feel forced to do it. I just had to let it happen like I didn't have a choice. It wasn't even a thought, it was the feeling of: ok, lets get this over with.
Like if someone hates getting a vaccination, there's the anxiety possibly a little fear, but there's little to no thoughts as its actually happening and all of sudden its over. That's what its like when stuffs happening.
Of course, different people feel differently when stuff like this happens, but this is just how I was.
I did feel suicidal a lot of the time, but because I had to look after my brothers, I didn't obviously. I would harm myself as well but not cutting. I would usually just hit my head on anything; tables, walls, sometimes the floor. I would even hit, slap or punch my head. Those times were more of an impulse than anything else.
I found out, somehow, about the Francis Hewitt centre, in Hamilton, across the road from the hospital. Its basically a building full of counsellors for different things and its all free. I used to just walk in there to make appointments and sometimes I could just walk straight in.
The first counsellor I had was a male. I did feel uncomfortable, but I didn't have the confidence or the words to express that at the time, so I dealt with him, not that he wasn't nice guy. I don't remember his name, but I remember he was legally deaf. He had to have a device that kind of bluetooth'd to his hearing aid so he could hear me.
I started telling him some of the stuff that had happened and he started blaming Leana for everything, which I wasn't comfortable with at the time. He scared me too when he said he was going to bring her in to the sessions. I freaked out so I started talking about how I didn't understand numbers and how I was concerned there was something wrong with me. He still brought Leana in, but luckily he didn't bring up anything other than the maths thing.
After that, I stopped seeing him and started seeing a female counsellor. I didn't see her for too long because all I remember about was one of the last sessions, all she did was look out of the window while I talked. I remember that I stopped talking when I noticed and I didn't go back to see her.
I think that I saw 1 or 2 other counsellors with the same result, but I only really remember those 2. The other thing I remember is going into the little kitchen there and making coffee and reading a book that was on the bookshelf. I have more memories of doing that than the actual counselling.
For years afterward, I would be in and out of counselling, with the majority of the counsellors never really taking anything I say seriously.
I started these counselling sessions when I was 15 after I came back from St. Arnaud. At some point, I started catching the bus up to .
Since I didn't have a 16th birthday party, not that I had many actual parties anyway, I was allowed a 17th birthday party. I'm going to try and remember who came:
Laura\Rachel who is Laura's younger sister.
Merchy
Tutty
Jane
Ashton
Sam Brooks (Brooksy, Robs friend). He's also the same friend that untied me from the bed that one time.
Kirsty
Tyra
I can't remember if Mouse came or not, and I'm unsure I'm missing someone. It feels like there was a lot more people there because my brothers were all there too plus Leana and Chris.
And everyone one drinking of course. Except for the 3 younger boys. When it was still light outside, we got in the pool even though it was cold and overcast. It rained a little too.
Then we pulled out a giant green tarp and stretched it out to make a water slide. We were all out there until it started getting dark then we all came inside.
Me and Jane showered together to save water, but now that I look back at it, it was tense. She told me years later that around that time, she had a crush on me. I had one on her too, but we never told each other.
A couple of people left and the rest of us started drinking and dancing like dickheads.
Chris ended up getting drunk, and some of the others did too. At the end of the night, Leana, Chris and the boys went to bed and the rest of us slept in the loungeroom on the floor.
Laura was dating Stoner at the time and while he was in our friend group, nobody trusted him, especially the girls. He kept texting her, telling her off and not allowing her to dance with her friends. Which were his friends as well.
I took her phone and text him from her phone telling him to leave her alone or I would flip out at him.
I can't remember when exactly it was, I think maybe before my birthday or maybe after, Merchy had his 18th. Mouse, Laura, Will (another Will, not the ex), Stoner and I were invited. I think Ashton was too, since Merchy and Ashton were good friends.
Since Leana always pushed me to go to parties, I didn't think for a second that she would say no. There was only 1 reason I wanted to go and that was because Stoner was going. I knew that he would try something with Laura and seeing as we were the only 2 girls going...
I told Leana about the 18th and she was ok with it. Until I told her Stoner was going. Then she said no. The only time she ever said no to a party and it was because Stoner was going. I understood and I told her that, but I told her I didn't want Laura to be alone with Stoner.
Since we lived so far out of town, there was no way I'd be able to get there on my own, so I ended up asking 2 of the boys to keep an eye on them both. Mouse and Will; I think I asked Mouse anyway. I know I asked Will because he ended up calling me to tell me that Stoner and Laura walked off alone and none of them were willing to follow.
He also sent me a photo text of Laura sitting in a chair and Stoner behind her with his hands on her in front of everyone. Since I wasn't there, nobody was really doing anything and I felt frustrated.
After that, other stuff happened between Laura and Stoner, but that's not up to me to write in here.
While in Hamilton, I was still hanging out with Jane, Tara, Tyra and Laura. Mostly it was me and Laura. When I was hanging out with Tara and some others, I met Justin. He was friends with Tara and Jane, and I only met him that once.
I think it was months later that I was coming back to Hamilton from St. Arnaud, and was at the Ballarat train station. I got on the bus and he was sitting behind me. I recognized him and we started talking.
I don't really remember the rest of the bus trip back or the months after. Not really anyway.
I was still sick a lot of the time and I got sick of the feeling. I told Leana I wanted to go to the doctor but she refused, calling me dramatic and there's nothing wrong with me.
I still ended up making an appointment and the only reason Leana drove me into town was because she had to drive some other people back home. I can't remember exactly who they were but I have a feeling it was either Jane or Anthony, or both.
Leana dropped me off at the doctors first, before heading off to drop everyone else off. The doctor was a male, so I didn't feel comfortable. Especially when I told him I was sick all the time and he leaned back and asked if I was sexually active.
I had no idea what he meant so he had to explain it to me. I said no, that I was still a virgin. He started asking about my home life, and he seemed a bit more concerned now. I told him a little bit, though I can't remember what I said. He told me that I had severe anxiety and for my own mental health, I needed to leave.
I told him that he needed to write a note to Leana and sign it so she would believe me. He laughed thinking I was joking. I wasn't and he did that for me.
Afterwards, I told Leana I made him write a note so she'd believe me. She said she would've believed me anyway, which is completely untrue, however I think now that any chance to get rid of a child she would have taken. I was old enough to move out, so she didn't have an issue with it.
Sometime before that, Rob had left home. He was only 15 years old when he left. I wasn't home when this happened.
One time, Leana either called or text me, I can't remember which and told me Rob was fighting and ran away. I can't remember the rest of the conversation. I found out later that he was fully planning on going into town and not coming home but Leana was "sick" that morning and so he just walked to the bus stop.
Leana told me she went to the cop shop to try and get them to do something but apparently they refused because he was 15 and they couldn't do anything.
I can't remember moving out of home, but I think I stayed with Laura for a little while first. I did used to stay with them a lot too.
I eventually moved into a caravan at the caravan park next to HILAC. It was just 2 rooms, the bedroom at the back and the living area. I had to share a bathroom and laundry with everyone else in the caravan park. I only had to pay rent per week since electricity plus water was included in that.
After I moved into the caravan park, I started to feel better. I didn't get sick as much and I felt a lot...lighter is the easiest way to explain it.
I was seeing Justin a lot and eventually we did start dating. I don't remember when or anything like that. I just remember he would come the caravan a lot and eventually kind of moved in. I can't remember if he fully moved in or if he just stayed for periods of time.
Before all that, there would be a group of us that would wander around town and just hang out.
I remember once a group of us going to the movies, though I can't exactly which movie it was. Me, Laura, Tara, Tyra, Allan and Alex went. The girls sat right down the front while the rest of us sat right down the back.
The girls were loud at times, but it didn't bother me at all. I know that someone complained, but I can't remember who it was.
Afterwards, it was night and Maccas (McDonalds) was right across the road, so we decided to go over there.
Will (my ex) was working at the front counter. I just wanted to avoid him and stuck by Allan and Alex; the girls on the other hand decided that they were going to write something, (I can't what it was now) right across all three of their cleavages. It spelt out something I can't remember, and stood in front of Will trying to make him say the phrase out loud. I did tell them not to do it since I wasn't interested in being kicked out.
We did end up getting kicked out by the manager and while we were sitting out by Allans car talking, the manager came out and threatened to call the cops, even though none of us were doing anything by this point. I told the manager that he couldn't do anything because only 3 of us were being disruptive and we weren't now. He threatened to call the cops again and I told him to do it, but the cops won't do anything since we had left the building and haven't done anything in the carpark. The manager walked away, but the cops never came.
Another time, after I started dating Justin, a group of us dressed up for Halloween and just walked around town. I can't even remember what we did that night aside from hanging around the performing arts centre, which was right next to the cinema, and went to a mates place though I can't really remember whos place it was.
Yea, there were a few of us that were menaces'.