When I was a kid, I was fascinated with Archaeology and Astrology. Leana kept telling me to become a massuse because I was apparently good at rubbing people's back.
I was never really interested in it, but was forced to do it. Rub peoples back, not do a course for it. Leana would also get me to brush her hair.
I thought about going into counselling, since I had/have still, so much trouble with them, so I thought helping people might be the way to go. I even tried doing an online course, but when they sent me the paper course work, they didn't sent me one or two of the units, so I never ended up being able to start it.
I wanted to travel and I was obsessed with Egypt. I always wanted to go there.
None of the things I wanted to do were ever supported.
Once when I was about 19, before the fight with Rob and Howie, I discover Lifeline. It's basically suicide prevention number. When I found it, you could call and just talk to someone. You were allowed to be anonymous. I called one night, and hid on the floor at the end of my bed. I had tried to get someone to help me leave Lucas, but nothing came of it. They even asked why I was whispering and were he was. I said he's asleep and I don't want to wake him because he'll flip out. That situation was actually really stressful and scary.
Another time, we were at Howies. Me, Lucas and Rob, when Rob was still living there. We were all drinking and I got pretty drunk. They basically forced me to have a joint. I kept saying no but they wouldn't take no as an answer.
Then they teased me afterwards saying I got high/munchies because I was eating bread. First of all, no shit. Second of all, I was eating bread before I had that because I get munchies when I'm drunk.
That started the habit of needing a smoke when I get drunk. The need is real, I swear.
Around the same time, we were talking about kids and saying Howie has 3. He looked at us and said: No I don't. I don't have any kids.
I honestly couldn't care less, but I think that comment hurt Rob more.
Once Rob moved in, he somehow met a girl named Shantelle. Turned out she lived with her mum, Alice, around the corner from us.
They started dating and we all started going around there and Shantelle would come to my house.
Eventually Rob ended up moving in with Alice, and sometime after that, ended up breaking up with Shantelle and leaving town.
Lucas would finish work around 3pm ish, and started going around to Alice's straight after work. At first, he would come home and ask me if I wanted to go too, and sometimes I would and sometimes I wouldn't. That turned into him going straight to Alice's after texting me telling. It escalated into him just not telling me and then telling me off when I did text and ask where he was.
He wouldn't come home until 10 or 11pm most nights.
One day, Alice' car broke down so she asked him to take her shopping in Horsham, which is about 1 hour away. He only had a 2 seater ute, so them going alone wasn't a big deal, plus he was doing her a favour. At some point, she asked him to take her to get weed in Horsham too. This he also willingly did.
Alice asked Lucas to take Shantelle with him one day, to do shopping instead of her. He did this several other times, and then started taking her to get weed instead of Alice.
Shantelle was 16 years old at the time and Lucas was 23.
He would willingly take Alice and Shantelle places, but if I asked to go to Horsham just for something to do, he would claim he didn't have money. I would offer to pay for the fuel and he would yell at me that we weren't going.
Before that, he had taken me to Horsham before, but I only really remember going to get Chinese takeaway. The other time he took me, we ended up at Alice' dealers place when they were there. I have no idea how that happened, if I'm being honest.
During all this time, I had started to see a psychologist, but since I lived in a rural area and had no licence or anything the psych came to my house. He told me he was a criminal psychologist as well as a normal psych and I asked, as a joke, if he counselled my dad. He laughed and asked what my dads name was. When I told him, he said: oh. Uh, yea I do actually.
So he still tried to help with a couple of things, but not much because otherwise it would have been a conflict of interest.
Before Leana and Chris left, Lucas proposed to me. Kind of. I didn't think he was serious.
It was at his house that was a few houses down from mine. We were laying in bed and he said: marry me or lets get married or something like that. I laughed because I seriously thought he was joking. I kind of felt the same way as when he asked out in high school; not keen but not feeling like I had a choice.
I told Leana later on and she thinks that he did it in front of everyone, but I don't remember that. He probably did it a second time but I don't remember it. Neither time a ring was involved regardless anyway.
When we were in St. Arnaud, we were at a farmers market and I saw a small pretty ring. I didn't say anything I just kept looking around but my nan, Colleen, made Lucas buy it for me even though he complained about the price, saying it was too expensive. It was $15 aud; (10usd, 9euro, 22fiji, 570peso).
This was months after he proposed. Almost refused to buy it completely.
It's actually uncomfortable and embarrassing to write about.
Even when I tried to be happy about it and try dresses, I couldn't go anywhere to do it and had to get someone to come to my house. He was uninterested and even said the dresses were too expensive. One dress I remember was just a plain one that was $500aud; ( 19018peso, 338usd, 306euro, 765fiji).
He said that was "better" in price, but still expensive so I didn't end up with that one. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have my own dress, which is basically what happened.
Just before this, I had gone to the doctor for some reason, and they said that I had PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) basically cysts on the ovaries, and was told I might not be able to have kids.
So I went home and told Lucas and asked him about having a baby. My logic being the younger my body is, the stronger it'll be to have a kid. I asked him for 2 weeks, just to be sure he was ok with it and each time he said yea yea. I was 19 when we started trying and it took around 12months to concieve.
I told everyone that we were trying and why, and I did have that support to start with. There were posts on facebook from Leana about it and other people as well.
I started buying things like clothes, and Colleen and Teagan were excited. I vaguely remember Teagan coming to my house and seeing the clothes. I think Shantelle did as well.
The struggle wasn't just the physical trying to get pregnant, but also the discussions around it. I was shut down about it a lot and once I even tried to, gently, bring up to Lucas about getting tested himself and he told me: I'd rather it be your fault than mine.
I don't really remember how I felt about that, but by then I was used to all the blame and degradation so I don't think it phased me at the time.
The day I actually found out I was pregnant, I just had the singular thought to take a pregnancy test. I don't know how to explain it other than I just knew.
I don't remember telling Lucas at all, so I don't remember his reaction.
I remember Leana's reaction. It was something along the lines of: why do you want a baby? What are you thinking?
...AFTER she posted the positive pregnancy test on facebook and told people she was going to be a grandmother...
Most others followed suit after that, so the support system I thought I had disappeared.
I don't really remember too much more of my pregnancy other than Mandy came over months after the time she smashed my window. I remember sitting in the loungeroom and she poked her head in to say hi, but she had enough sense to not come inside. I remember that because I had a belly by then.
I got sick during the 2nd trimester, and could only eat carrots. Once that 3 months was over, I was fine, but during it, I couldn't go anywhere without a bucket. Literally, I had to walk into town with one.
When I was about 7months pregnant, everyone decided that me and Lucas were going to get married, even though we were planning on getting married the year after anyway.
His parents paid, or half paid, the celebrant, so he said he didn't want to waste their money. So we started planning everything. We had the whole wedding at his parents place, so we didn't have to go to a venue.
All I got to choose out of the whole wedding is the theme colours. And only the cake and the bridesmaids dresses were the colour.
I was even lucky to be able to invite the people I could.
The dress I wore wasn't even mine. It was Lucas' mums friends dress. Apparently she was nearly married once, but the guy ran off a week before they did or something. She wanted me to wear it and basically forced/begged me too. I wasn't even allowed to look at other dresses.