I don't really remember much leading up to the actual wedding. Just once or twice seeing the celebrant lady to go over paperwork and shit.

I remember Leana saying she'd buy the wedding rings for us since Lucas' basically paid for the celebrant.

On the actual day, I remember my motel room being full of people. Colleen, Teagan, Tara, Anthony, Brenda; and I feel like there were more people but I can't really remember much about that morning. Just someone putting make up on me, someone taking a picture of me, Colleen and Teagan, then walking outside to get into the car. The only thing I do remember vividly was seeing Justin ride past on his motorbike.

At that point, I felt sad because I didn't want to go or anything, but at the same time I 'had' too. I didn't have a choice.

I can't remember if it was before this, but we were at Lucas' parents place and we were sitting at the table with them plus Reece. They started arguing about baby's names.

Another time, or maybe the same day, Reece was telling us that Justin got into a really bad accident on his bike. Lucas just laughed and smirked, but I was really scared. It freaked me out, but I had the feeling Lucas wanted me to feel that way, just from the look on his face.

I remember getting to Lucas' parents place and it's a little blurry from there.

I remember Lucas saying something about him being worried that I'd not turn up.

I remember only being allowed to have a say in the bridesmaids I had and the theme colour, which was barely used. Only on the bridesmaid dresses and the cake.

The song I walked to was a Lion King song, We Are One I think it was.

After that whole part was over, there were a heap of photos and all the food and stuff was set up in the shed.

I remember going through Maccas for some reason, then going back to the motel but I don't remember much except the spa.

I don't remember if I mentioned it earlier, but the landlord tried to scam us out of money.

This was one of the reasons we decided to move I think, that and our families were still back down in the Warrnambool. His parents in Byaduk and Leana in Camperdown.

I took photos of the entire house and wrote out a document about the condition of the house including what we did and what we did to fix and improve the house.

I didn't find out until later from a friend that lived across the road that after we moved out, the landlord took a sledgehammer and tried to destroy the front of the house. He also text me weeks or even a month or so after we moved, calling me a dirty whore/slut; whatever word he used. I told Leana and she came over after I text him back saying it was now my brothers phone, thinking that he'd call. He never contacted me again after that.

We moved to an area around Colac called, Elliminyt. We were 7kms out of town, which is roughly a 10 minute drive and a nearly 2 hour walk.

It was a 2 bedroom house, with a horseshoe shaped driveway; a fence separating the front yard and the driveway.

I still had 2 cats, Allie and Pippin, and my dog Belz. Lucas also had a dog named Bea.

At this time, I felt fully isolated. My family up in and around Donald I was no longer talking too. Teagan because of all the stuff with her mum, my grandparents because of all the stuff with Howie; because of that I couldn't even see my great grandmother, Granny Viv. She was in a nursing home at that point, and we visited her a few times. She lived in Maryborough.

Leana lived in Camperdown, 40 minutes away; I didn't have any friends I spoke to regularly. I felt like I didn't have friends at all. We spoke to Chloe, who also lived in Camperdown, around the corner from Leana, but I can't remember when I first started speaking to her. It might've been after I had my daughter, Willow.

I woke Lucas up around 2 or 3am after I started getting back pain at 11pm. I told him I thought I was having contractions, so he drove us to Leana's house. Everyone was still asleep, aside from Leana who I obviously text or called before we got there. I remember trying to have a (cold) bath, even though the water was meant to be hot, to help with the contractions at 8am or something. I ended up getting to the hospital before or around 12pm I think.

I had Willow at around 430pm, mid February. 2 months after I turned 21.

We stayed in the hospital for about 5 days. She was a colicky baby, which means she screamed or cried a lot. The nurses would look down on me, even if I asked them for help. Would tell me to figure it out or that I'd have to learn to do it myself. Lucas would ask for help and they'd take Willow from him so he could rest. I remember asking where she was one night and I can't even remember his reply; pretty sure it was something to do with: in the nurses office, or something.

While I was in the hospital, I got a bunch of pamphlets about different services. One of them was Orange Door, but back then it was called Child First. It's basically a service that helps out with quite a few things, like getting baby needs, counselling, etc. They're basically a bridge for all the services you'd need.

I decided to call them and a lady came to hospital to talk to me. I don't remember what I said to her that day, but it was only really a intake appointment I think or she just happened to be at the hospital.

When we got back home, I don't really remember much except that Willow slept in a port-a-cot in our room for a while.

The Orange Door lady, I think her name was Tabitha, helped me get a cot and a mattress, a change table and something else I can't remember.

I would get more and more depressed after I had Willow. I might have ended up with Post Natal Depression, but given the situation I was in, I was probably just normal depressed.

Lucas refused to do anything with Willow such as feed or bathe her, unless he was showing her off. There were a few times he cared for her, but 99% of the time, he refused, saying he had to work or whatever other excuse he had.

I remember bits and pieces of some situations. Like one night, I got up to feed Willow at about 2am and while I was feeding her in the loungeroom, there were wood spiders and Huntsmans all over the roof. I counted at least 10 of them.

Another time, Willow wouldn't stop screaming and I was afraid she'd wake Lucas up, so I walked around our small house with her, hoping he wouldn't come out to tell me to shut her up. I ended up just texting Leana and asking her for help. She asked why Lucas wasn't helping and I basically said that's a stupid question.

She came over and forced me to go to bed once she saw my face. Apparently I was real pale.

Lucas would threaten my cats; either to hurt them or kill them. He even once pushed Pippin off the bench so hard, he basically threw him into the cupboard.

He would yell and scream at me every night for not having the house hospital clean. If there were 4 dishes in the sink, he would flip out. He would tell me off for not cleaning the litter tray daily.

Pretty much anything he would tell me off for, calling me lazy or calling me a child. His favourite thing to call me was a child.

In that house, it was just a blur of screaming and yelling. I only felt happy when he wasn't home.

I once caught him hitting Willow while he was changing her nappy. She was barely a month old and his excuse was she was kicking him.

Another time, he had a day off and when Willow was crying, I went to go settle her, he physically put his arm out to stop me and wouldn't let me go to settle her. He told me to let her "cry it out". She was about a month or 2 old.

He would accuse me of cheating, even though I barely spoke to anyone, and even though he admitted to once being alone with a 16 year old.

I remember once, we were arguing over something, and I locked myself in the bathroom. I was so upset I couldn't stop crying and I even considered just killing myself right then. The only thing I saw was a plunger. I pictured just pushing it down my throat; I had no emotion at that point. Lucas just continued to yell through the door until he threatened to kick it down, then make me pay for fixing it. I felt like I didn't have a choice and unlocked it.

I didn't want him touching me, and I cringed every time he did. I couldn't stand it.

I had avoided telling anyone. I even avoided mentioning it a few chapters back when it happened. I hadn't told anyone, except one person years after it happened. I didn't think to and I didn't think anyone would believe me; I especially thought that after we separated.

When I was pregnant, and we were still living in Donald, I had told Lucas no to sex once. He ignored me and did it anyway. After that, I just didn't bother trying to say no. I knew it wouldn't matter. He wanted what he wanted, even if it made me uncomfortable.

After that, there were several other things he tried to do at different times. None of which I wanted. Not that it mattered.

I was scared all the time, as well just sad and tired. I was angry all the time and just wanted to hurt myself or punch things.

Eventually, I would look at the clock and instantly go to the fridge for alcohol. Even if he wouldn't be home for 2 hours.

I started talking to Justin again, and he came over once. By this time, I only felt like a convenient housemate for Lucas; I couldn't tell you now what I was thinking or feeling at the time.

Lucas had already accused me of cheating; though it wasn't true until the next day, after he had already left for work. I can't tell you now whether I regret it or not. I should, but remembering my situation it kind of feels validated at the same time. I haven't figured it out yet.