We did try doing marriage counselling, though I can't remember whose idea it was. It was probably mine, let's be honest.

I can't remember if I was pregnant or just after I had Willow. I think it was before I had her. We went to see a lady on the main street of Colac, heading out towards the Warrnambool side.

I only remember going to one session. I remember mentioning something about cheating, and the marriage counsellor said: There's nothing wrong with that.
I just remember staring at her and Lucas had a smirk on his face.

Tabitha, my Orange Door worker, I would tell her about a lot of things. One of the things was about getting my licence. I couldn't while I was with Lucas because was the only one who would, or could, be the passenger for me and he would always yell and scream at me every time I got behind the wheel. I ended up with severe anxiety and panic attacks while driving, as well as PTSD episodes at times.

All I can really remember about the conversations were about how to get out, though there was never any actual plans to leave.

Eventually, after getting sick of Lucas refusing to help out with Willow, I made him take over after he got home from work until her bedtime at 8pm. I would take back over from there.

One afternoon, after he got back from work, I went to my room and closed the door. By this time, I barely ever wanted to see or talk to him. I remember he came in and asked if I wanted a divorce. I could barely speak, so I just nodded. I also was holding a blade in my hand, cutting my palm (under the blanket) while he was sitting there.

It was either that night or another night that he came home and was yelling as he was walking through the door. I came out of my room after a little bit and said I was going to Leana's place for a few days.

He said: No you're not.

I said: You can't stop me from seeing my mother.

I walked out the door to get Willows car seat and pram out of the car and I heard him scream "FUCK" at the top of his lungs, with Willow sitting barely 6 steps from him.

I started pulling everything out of the car while I tried to call Leana. She didn't answer, but she was at work. I called Dexter and I told him to make some room for us and he didn't even question why.

I can't remember who else I tried to call, but I ended up calling Chloe. Chloe was a friend that Lucas would "allow" me see. We went to her house a few times. I can't remember how I got back in contact with her though.

I asked her if she would come and get me if I needed her too.

She said: I can come now if you want.

I said: Fuck it, ok.

She said she'd get everything sorted and get fuel before she come and got me.

I left the car seat and the pram off to the side and went back inside to try and pack a bag for myself and for Willow.

I tried to do Willows bag first, but Lucas kept taking it and putting it back in her room. He wasn't even speaking; just staring at me and holding her bag until I let go.

Eventually, I just gave up; grabbed Willow, a pillow and my phone charger.

Lucas tried to follow me out the back door, following close and standing over me. He still hadn't said a word.

I swung around and told him to fuck off. I didn't yell but I raised my voice. I also threw a punch at him, though I don't know how I managed it or if I even got him.

He was shocked enough and it gave me a chance to get outside and put my shoes on, then walk out to the road.

What happened after isn't exactly blurry, but I don't remember the whole thing either. All I remember is carrying Willow, the pillow and charger around the driveway and onto the road in circles while Lucas yelled at me and chased me around.

Leana called me back, and within a minute or 2, she heard what Lucas was yelling at me and tried to make me put her on loud speaker so she could yell at him.

I said: No. It's bad enough Willows hearing her father talk to her mother like that; I'm not letting her hear her grandmother yell at her father on top of that.

She stayed on the phone with me while I waited for Chloe. I can't remember if I told Lucas that I called someone.

I remember turning around at one point and seeing Lucas on the ground kicking and hitting the ground like what a 2 year old does when they have a tantrum. I remember telling Leana, but I don't remember her response.

At around 8pm, Chloe arrived. Once Lucas realised they were pulling into our driveway, he instantly stopped his yelling and swearing and whatever crocodile tears he had.

Chloe had brought her husband as well, and once Lucas realised this after the husband, Mika, got out of the car, he started trying to be nice again. Leana had hung up once I knew it was Chloe.

Lucas was asking me if he could hold Willow, but I didn't like the idea. Chloe said she'd keep an eye on him for me while I got my stuff together.

When I went back into the house, I saw that he had flipped my recliner armchair over. The one that's been in my family for years. I picked it up and then quickly got Willows bag out of her room and packed a small bag for myself. I think my cats were in the laundry room, and my dog was in the dog yard.

Chloe had already got the car seat and pram in the car by the time I came out. I remember getting into the backseat and Lucas tried to kiss me, saying that he'll see me in a few days.

Obviously I never went back. I stayed at Leana's house for a while until I got my own house. During that time, the first time I saw Lucas again after that he came over to the house and I remember him being in the kitchen.

The first thing he said to me was: Don't call child support, because I can't afford it.

I can't remember how long he was there for, but as soon as he left, I called Child Support and explained the situation.

I don't really remember I whole lot while I lived there, aside from when he told me he had a girlfriend, to which my response was: Good. Now you can stop harrassing me.

I remember having to back to the house to get my stuff. Lucas had callously thrown my stuff into the old carport, which was falling apart. Some of my stuff was even water damaged.

Another thing I remember is he kept trying to make me give him money and my metal detector. I had sold something (a Wii console I think) so I could afford to get Willow a highchair or something that was for her anyway. Lucas kept hounding me for the money since he "bought it himself", and even after I told him it was for stuff for Willow, he didn't care. He also harrassed me for a metal detector which Leana's boyfriend, Ben, had given me. Lucas kept telling me that Ben had given HIM the metal detector.

Ben eventually had to tell Lucas himself that he'd actually given ME the thing, and he even told Lucas that since we were still married, I could take half of his Superannuation if I so wanted too. That made Lucas stop harrassing me about it and get into his car and leave.

Lucas would also threaten to take Willow from me. He was having her every single weekend, because he would threaten to not bring her back if I didn't let him have her every weekend; but then he would complain that he wasn't getting time for himself. I would tell him to have her every 2nd weekend, like every other separated couple, but he would refuse.

Willow was only 6 months old when I left him.

Once Willow was about 12 or 13 months old, Lucas' girlfriend, Tiarn, managed to convince him to have Willow every 2nd weekend. I was grateful to her.

I was still afraid that he would take her. Those threats of Willow being taken away caused me to be overprotective and have anxiety attacks every time she wasn't with me.

Eventually, I got a house only 5 blocks from Leana's house. It was a 3 bedroom house with a really big yard.

It was only me and Willow for quite a while, I preferred it that way. Everything was peaceful. I had my dog and 2 cats back though of course.

By this time, I was extremely anxious and I would have anxiety\panic attacks just by hearing Lucas' name, let alone having to see and speak to him. I hated that he knew where I lived and had to come to my house to pick up and drop of Willow.

He would try to make me catch the train to Colac (Which was only 30mins or so), but seeing as how I was afraid to leave my house, I wouldn't do it.

Of course, I would make up excuses for this, but it was because I was afraid and I refused to tell him that.

After we left Lucas, Willow became happier and she advanced all of her milestones. Even to the point people either thought I was pushing her or they wouldn't believe me when I told them that.

I was labelled a terrible, borderline abusive parent because of this. Orange Door was still involved, and my worker, Tabitha, knew about all this and she knew the truth; Willow was just advanced and considering all the trauma we'd been through, it was surprising she wasn't a quiet child.

Eventually I had to learn to ignore all the negative comments about my child and me as a parent. She was healthy, happy and well looked after and that's all that mattered.

I enjoyed living on my own, and the only visitor I would have for a while is Justin.

He would come up on his bike or once I remember when he still had his Ls, he got his mum to be the passenger.

That particular time, he told me to stay inside because his mum hated me after how I had left him. I understood, but it still hurt. I liked his family. His younger brothers were also in the car which hurt worse because his brothers were like my brothers at one point.

Justin had told me once that someone had stopped in the street of Hamilton and asked if he was coming to see me. He told them no, which was a lie and obviously people knew. I felt, after he told me that, that I was to just be a secret and to be ashamed of.

I remember he gave me a pocket knife for Christmas/birthday once, with the promise that I wouldn't hurt myself with it, since I had told him about the self harm I had done previously. And the joke of not to stab anyone else with it.

I don't really remember much about this time though. I'm still dissociating at this time, which I don't think I realised until later.

I do remember feeling like we were supposed to be trying to reconnect, but at the same time, I felt like I was being used because of the secrecy.

That feeling was more enhanced, when he asked for something I had never done before. I trusted him and agreed, but he wasn't gentle and it hurt to the point of blood and scarring. He also never offered comfort even though I was in tears.

Even to this day, it occasionally bleeds, tears the scars and its painful.

Rob had also moved to South Australia before this. He had a lot going on and I had found out about his severe drug use from his phone calls and brags. I ended up telling him in the end that if he was going to keep this all up, that I wasn't going to watch him kill himself. I threatened to stop talking to him.

Leana and the younger boys surprised me by bringing Rob around. I hadn't seen him for nearly a year by that time, if not longer.

After that, the boys would come to my house to hang out or help me with some things.

One night, Belz was barking so loud and aggressive that it worried me. I was on the phone to Justin when I looked out the window and saw Belz trying to bite a man through the fence. Now, my dog would NEVER attacked or even growl at someone, so this scared me.

Especially after I saw this man trying to jump over my fence. I yelled out to him to go away and he yelled back: no.

I ended up calling Leana and the cops afterwards. I remember vaguely that the cops came, but I don't remember what was said or anything like that.

I was told that 2 of my brothers walked one direction to my house and the other 2 walked another direction to see if they could catch him, while Leana and Ben drove over.

At some point, Rob ended up moving in with me, and me and Justin stopped talking. I can't remember why, it might have been because he got a girlfriend or something.