I know It's taking me a while to write, and I'm sorry. There's a few life issues going on right now.

While I was writing the last chapter, there were a few memories that popped up that I was meant to write down. I've forgotten some of them again though.

One thing I forgot to mention was when I was with Leana one day, we were out somewhere in the car. Leana, Ben and Jesse were all in the car, as well as Willow and me.

I asked Leana if she would help me leave Lucas. She said no, that I married him and I had a kid with him, so now I had to deal with it. This was weeks or months before I actually left.

Another time, Lucas physically would stop me from settling Willow through the day while he had a day off work. I remember only the once, but it could have happened more than that.

When I was living in Camperdown, I started drinking a lot more and I barely remember day to day life. I remember there being a lot of people in and out. People I knew though.

I started taking Willow to a play group to be more social. I didn't want to go, but I did for her.

I was still being judged for my parenting from everyone. I would also get critised for every aspect of my life.

I remember once, Leana was at my house and we were in the kitchen; Willow, me and Leana. Willow was in her highchair eating mash potatoes and Leana made the comment: That's the only thing your mums good at cooking.

I was so used to comments like these that I only got slightly frustrated, but I didn't say anything. I was already having trouble with Willows eating; she would not eat for days at a time and nobody would help except to say: That's normal toddler behaviour; she won't starve herself etc.

One time, Willow didn't eat anything for 2 days straight and I had to make her eat a sandwich because she refused to eat the 3rd day.

She was barely 2 years old.

While we were going to play group, I met a lady named Charmain and she had a daughter, Annabelle, 2 years older than Willow.

We started talking and sort of became friends enough for us to go to her house.

Charmain had 7 children, Annabelle being the youngest. I met her middle child, Dylan, through her when I would visit. Dylan is a year younger than me.

I got a long with all of them and it wasn't long before me and Dylan got close. We didn't get together straight away, but we started sleeping together.

I would call my grandmother, Colleen, all the time and few times she would come down to stay for a few days or a week. One time when she was down, I found out I was pregnant.

It was the same feeling as when I got pregnant with Willow. I told Dylan first and he was happy about it. I told my Nan and she was very happy too.

We'd only been together about 3 months.

I don't really remember too much of my pregnancy at the start. The 2nd trimester I was sick, like I was with Willow.

After it passed, I remember a little more. We would go to his parents place a lot. His mother is religious, 7th Day Adventice, which I didn't really understand, and I tried not to be judgmental.

My family was/is really against religion, even Colleen who grew up a Catholic.

I met Dylan's other siblings, the older ones. I also met his sister-in-law, who is a really nice lady. I met his aunties and uncles and at least one of his cousins as well.

I only really remember fragments of going over to his parents house. He was living with me by this point.

One thing I do remember is when his mum and me were talking about names and Dylan just walks in the loungeroom and says: Zea Alan Absolom; and walked out again.

We had a laugh about it, but then really thought about it. I really liked it, so it stuck.

I would tease Dylan's mum by talking about "if it's a girl". She really wanted Zea to be a boy, and I just knew he would be a boy because of my genetics.

In my family, 99% first borns are female; and usually males after that.

I started getting back pain at 11pm, a day before I was supposed to get induced. Same thing as how Willows started.

I went into the hospital just before lunchtime. I don't really remember much of the birth. I remember that Charmain, Leana, Dylan, my doctor and training midwife were in the room, plus whatever nurses were in and out.

I had my eyes closed most of the time, and I ended up completely naked somehow.

The labour went on for 23 hours and 45mins. Zea got stuck and had to be pulled out; it's called a vacuum but it's more like a suction cup put on the babies head. It hurts too. Having it put inside; you can feel the baby be pushed back up. Not fun.

The doctor said that if he wasn't out in the next 15 minutes that they'd give me a C-section. I did not want a C-section, so I managed to get him out.

He was born at 11:45pm.

Afterwards, I was told that I had been in active labour for 6-8 hours. Active labour being the actual pushing.

Zea slept for almost an entire day and night, until the nurses checked him and had to get more fluid out I'm pretty sure. After that, he would wake up every 4 or 5 hours like clockwork, but the nurses tried to force me to wake him up every 2 or 3 hours. I only did it a couple of times.

I stayed at the hospital 2 or 3 days, then went home.

He was the same way as Willow when she was a baby. He would scream for hours and hours at a time, to the point where we took him to a doctor. The doctor said there was nothing wrong with him, that Zea was just crying and screaming because he could.

Since Willow was lactose intolerant, I had put her on lactose free formula, so I had put Zea on the same formula straight away. He would have feedings every 2-4 hours, depending on if he was having a growth spurt.

I possibly had Post Natal Depression with Zea as well. I was always tired, but obviously that's a given.

Zea slept in our room in his bassinet for only a week or 2 before we moved him into his own room.

We tried everything we could think of at the time to settle him when he had these screaming bouts. Extra nappy changes, extra bottle feeds, we even tried having him sleep in the bed with us. This particular thing made me uncomfortable because I was afraid of rolling on him or something.

I would become very frustrated with Zea when he wouldn't stop screaming. I felt/feel like it was worse with him because there wasn't anything wrong with him to be doing it.

I had to learn to let him just scream sometimes, or it would drive me insane.

Sometimes I would become so frustrated that I would try to force feed him. I did smack/hit him a few separate times. I can't remember all the specific times that all this happened. I won't say I blacked out, because that's not what happened. It was more on impulse.

If you ever have been so frustrated and just lashed out without thinking, that's what it was like.

Of course, I would feel horrible afterwards, but also I felt resentful at the same time. It wasn't because of my lack of sleep. I was an insomniac; I was used to lack of sleep, and he would do the screaming through the day as well.

Zea was a baby and I couldn't control me own impulses. That's my fault.

Dylan didn't know anything about it, and it's not like I was hiding it from him.

At the time, I had no idea what I was thinking. Now, after learning and realising what's wrong and right with parenting, obviously I was able to figure it out.

I would smack/hit Willow as well, so it wasn't like I was targeting Zea. I would smack her for anything I thought was bad behaviour, whether it was actual bad behaviour or if I genuinely though it was bad behaviour.

Usually, I would just smack her on the butt or the hand, but there were times I clipped her across the back of the head or ear.

Obviously I now know it's wrong, and there is a lot of guilt around this period of time with both my kids. I doubt that guilt will ever go away.

During that time, I can't remember having an Orange Door worker. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling because I didn't think anyone would actually help me. I didn't want to hurt my kids, and at the same time I couldn't just stop.

I loved my kids, and at the same time I was so frustrated by them. I was told constantly by many people that DHHS or CPS would just take the kids, so I had to be careful with what I told my worker, when I did have one.

I didn't want them to be taken, so obviously I kept quiet. Anyone who has kids, mothers or fathers, who's felt like this will understand. It's not right, and we know it's not right. We just don't get help; we get threats and warnings. Nobody is willing to help us through the frustrating stages and teach us the tools we need to be able to deal with it.

I hated being the way I was.

Zea didn't start sleeping through the night until he was about 5 or 6months old.

Also during this time, I would go to Hamilton to try and get my Ls (Learners) done.

I was talking to Justin again and he was staying with a housemate, Natalie, who lived outside of Hamilton on a farm.

We would go stay with them, sometimes when Willow was at Lucas' house or sometimes when she was with us. The house was a 3-4 bedroom house, and since Nat used the loungeroom as her bedroom, we all had our own rooms when we stayed there.

The next lot of memories are a bit jumbled and I can't remember in what order they are, so I'm just going to write them as I remember them.

Nat had come to my house once and she had brought her friend/ex with her, Billy. We all got along really well, and pretty much become friends almost straight away.

I wasn't really expecting to see them again after that time they came over though.

After that, we would go visit them frequently. Sometimes we'd all go, sometimes it would be just me and the kids.

I also would stay with Tara and Anthony. They had a son, Nick, and he and Willow were best friends. They loved each other so much.

Once, I had gone to Hamilton for driving lessons and stayed with them. Dylan had come with me because I had been pushing him to get his licence as well.

He did one driving lesson and refused to do another after that. He refused to tell me what happened, but the driving instructor ended up telling me.

Dylan got overwhelmed at a round-a-bout and wanted to get out right then and there, but obviously he couldn't. He refused to drive after that.

Sometimes I would stay with them by myself, and the kids.

Anthony would be very touchy feely with me. I hated it and I would try to get away, but he would hold me down. He never forced himself on me to have sex, it was just touching and inappropriate comments and conversations.

He would usually touch or hit my butt; drag me on top of him while he was sitting on his desk chair (which was in the loungeroom near the kitchen door) when I would walk passed.

Once, we were in the kitchen and he was touching me. I can't remember if it was my butt or breasts. I remember I was facing the sink. Tara had walked in and I guess he heard her coming because he backed off quickly. This type of thing might happened once or twice because I have a vague memory of similar happening and it was also in their kitchen.

He even once told me that if Tara didn't have sex with him as often as he wanted, he would cheat on her.

I was terrified all the time to be alone with him. Since they both worked, sometimes it was unavoidable, and particularly at night since he was a taxi driver at the time.

I would sleep on the couch, while my kids slept in the back bedroom. At that time, I couldn't sleep in the same room as my kids because they would cry in their sleep, or make any kind of noises, which for reference because they were still very little my instincts would cause me to become wide awake and check on them.

Anyway, I would sleep on the couch and there were multiple different times were I would wake up and find Anthony sitting there staring at me. It freaked me out, and even now I still feel that fear.

I was too afraid to tell Tara, though I wasn't exactly sure why. I hadn't told anyone; I guess I didn't think I'd believed.