Don't tell anyone anything; they'll use it against you.
Don't bother asking for help; nobody cares.
Counselling? Why? That won't help.
Don't be dramatic.
Other people had it worse.
"I" had it worse.
Don't be fat and lazy.
If you didn't have acne, you'd be pretty.
Don't be silly; you're pretty; boys love you.
Your brain is just lazy.
You look fat.
You're not fat.
You're not ugly.
"I" never said that.
"I" never did that.
You remember wrong.
When was the last time "I" hit you?
"I" never hit you.
That never happened.
You're lucky "I" don't hit you.
You're lucky "I" don't cheat on you.
Talk louder.
Shut up; you don't need to yell.
You're coping fine.
I guess most of what happened with men was because I was so used to not saying no; then seeing Leana put men first before us kids, it was normalized for us.
I wasn't allowed to speak, let alone say no. Leana would always say to me that I didn't have to learn to do certain things because men would do them for me.
She raised me to be dependent on men. She raised me to be dependent on her. She raised me to not do or say anything unless she gave me permission. At least, that's how it felt for years and years after I left home.
Once, Leana called me while I was still pregnant with Zea. I was out at a cafe while Willow was at daycare, and she started degrading me and putting me down. Then she said something about Willow.
I remember raising my voice saying: I do not; then hanging up on her.
I felt so horrible and worthless, I nearly started crying in the cafe.
After I had Zea, we would go to Charmains house more and more. She would start making comments to me that made me uncomfortable.
It felt like she was comparing me to her other sons wife. Charmain would always say how tall and blonde and gorgeous this lady was (which she was) but I felt as though I was nothing; not good enough etc.
I had starting drinking at this point and I remember once when I went to Nat's house, we were all drinking.
These memories I'm not sure whether it was before or after me and Dylan broke up. I'm pretty sure after.
Nat was in her bed and Billy had a bed on the floor next to her. She had gone to bed, and I laid down on the mattress on the floor. Billy lay behind me and kept trying to touch me.
I threatened to break his fingers and he stopped. After that, I wanted to climb into bed with Nat, but I didn't want to freak her out when she woke up.
I told her the next day, and she said that next time he does that to just get into her bed anyway.
Another memory I have when I was at Nat's house was when me, her, Justin and Billy were all drinking. I remember one comment from Nat to Billy was something about a 3way.
He had a stunned look on his face while me and Nat just laughed.
After that, Justin came out and me and Billy left him and Nat alone.
I say I think this was after me and Dylan broke up because at the time, I realised I still had strong feelings for Justin but I also knew he was playing games with at least 3 of us.
I was so upset about him being all over Nat, that I threw up. Billy had to put me in a shower and put me to bed.
Everything else is a blur.
A few months before Christmas, Dylan got into the habit of ignoring me when he felt I had done something wrong.
He refused to talk to me or even look at me. He would never tell me what I had done.
I was friends with Billy and Nat at this point, and Billy even had the same birthdate as me.
I come up with the idea of going camping with him, up just outside of St. Arnaud, so I could see my grandparents and have some time for myself.
I asked Dylan if it was ok, and even said if he wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't do it. He said he didn't mind.
We packed up Billy's ute and drove 3 hours up to St. Arnaud. I was exciting to go camping, since I hadn't done it for years.
The last time I remember camping was when Leana was with Chris, and me, her, Chris, Seth, Dex and Jesse all went somewhere. It was a public campsite, but I can't remember the area. We had 3 or 4 tents and Chris backed the 4x4 (Hugo) up to the tents because it had a fridge/freezer in the back.
He set up the fire pit with a chain down with a hook attached. The was meant to be for the kettle.
A car full of people drove passed, staring at us, and Chris said it was probably because they thought we would hang a baby on the hook to cook.
When we got up to St. Arnaud/Stuart Mill area, we setup camp and had a few drinks.
That night, me and Billy were talking about what was going on with Dylan. I felt neglected by Dylan because I had no idea why he was ignoring me like he was.
I had developed a crush on Billy, a strong one, and I think it was because he would listen to me and just let me by myself.
We did end up going further than we should have. I do feel bad for doing it, for the record, and there is no excuse for it.
The next day, we went to my grandparents place, and I went for a walk around the property with Colleen. I told her the situation with Dylan and what had happened with Billy.
She scolded me for it, rightly so, but she didn't yell and carry on at me.
We went out for lunch and it was good.
I'll be honest and say I was dreading going home. I didn't like being ignored and I didn't feel like that was an excuse for doing what I did, I just felt like Dylan had 0 interest in me now, and that it was just an excuse to get me to force him away.
We drove back a day or 2 after our birthday.
The last time he ignored, he didn't speak to me for 2 or 3 days. One day, Shoni, Dylan's aunty, called me asking why Dylan wasn't answering his phone and I told her. I went out to the car to talk to her about it and she decided to go inside to talk to him. I sat in the car for a minute before going back in where Shoni was looking for him.
He had gone out the backyard to sit on a chair. Shoni found him and tried to talk to him but he ignored her and took the chair right down the back. She followed him and he got up and walked up the driveway with her yelling to talk to her.
She eventually said: What about your son?
But he kept walking and walked out the gate. I can't remember the conversation I had with Shoni, but I remember saying something like I was done with it.
When Dylan came home, we all sat in the kitchen to talk about what was going to happen. Dylan barely said anything except to say he was going to go to Geelong to stay with his brother.
I said that when he came back, he wasn't coming back there. We were completely separated. His aunty Shoni agreed with me.
Dylan walked out and we were officially over.
After that, I would go to Nat's frequently, but since I didn't have my licence yet, she would have to pick me up and drop me off, which she said she didn't mind doing.
She had a bonfire party once, where there were a lot of people.
I had met her mother and brother. Her mother was a farrier, and Nat had horses.
Me and Nat would talk about Justin and about the fact we knew he would go between me, her and Libby. Nat would say she only didn't like Libby because of what he said about her, and she said she didn't really want to get involved with that triangle, which I thought was fair.
Dylan had come back to my house to collect his stuff. I had put most of his stuff in the front yard so there would be no reason for him to come inside. I can't remember why I didn't want him inside.
My brother, Rob, was living with me by this time, so he helped me move the stuff outside. Seth did too.
Dylan, Shoni, Charmain and Alan came to my house to get his stuff. I stayed inside until he demanded to be let in to delete his profile off my Xbox. I told him I could do it, but he didn't trust me not to use his profile. Which made no sense because I had my own.
He also demanded the washing machine and the bed/bedding that Charmain had given Willow as a gift.
Seth and Rob took the washing machine out the front even though they didn't want to. I just wanted it all to be over and done with. I didn't see the point of fighting over a washing machine, even if I did need it.
As for Willows bed and bedding, I refused and called Leana to tell her about it. She was heading to work so decided to stop by on her way to work.
I didn't go outside, but words were exchanged and Willow was able to keep her bed.
Not long after that day, my landlord text me asking if I wanted their old washing machine and dryer. I offered them a little bit of money but they said no.
Somehow, the real estate found out about this and during one of their inspections, tried to squeeze more money out of me claiming that since the landlord gave me the washing machine and dryer, that I needed to pay more rent to cover the electricity I was using. I told them I Centrepaid my rent which means it automictically comes out before I get my pay. The real estate agent then said I would need to go into the office and fill out a new form with the new rent on it.
My rent didn't cover the electricity. I paid that separately to an electricity company.
The house had a few things that needed fixing, like the back door and the wiring in the kitchen. I'd also asked the real estate to ask the landlord if I could have chickens.
They never got back to me.
I somehow met my neighbours over the road. The brick house had some kids that would come over sometimes to play in my front yard, mostly when Jesse was at my house.
The green fence next door had an older couple. They invited my over once and was complaining about the issues of the house and the real estate. They said they were friends with my landlord and he actually lived only around the corner. They gave me his number and I text him explaining everything. He wasn't happy with the real estate and told me if I needed anything to just ask him directly.
I still needed to get my licence so I decided to go stay with Nat for 2 weeks so I could smash out driving lessons and do the Ps test.
I told Dylan that's what I was doing and he turned up at my house, demanding to take Zea. I said no and he left. The second time he came back, he brought his other aunty. He demanded to take Zea and refused to leave.
I tried to get him to sign a piece of paper promising that he'd bring Zea back after I got back but he just walked away. I'm pretty sure I had his promises in text messages anyway.
While I was at Nat's for those 2 weeks, I text everyday to ask how Zea was. I felt anxious and panicky, and would wake up wondering where he was.
Once I got back home, I did get Zea back. I was stressed out that Dylan would refuse to hand him back over.
After that, I spoke to my lawyer about doing mediation. I did mediation with Lucas, so he had Willow every 2nd weekend, Friday to Sunday. After I got my licence and a car, he would force my to drive to Colac, claiming it was halfway, when in actual fact, I found out it was the whole way and I had to drive passed the road to his house to meet him at the servo (service station).
Dylan refused to do mediation so I said he wasn't going to see Zea until he did it. Not after what he pulled taking him like he did. He still refused, thinking I was bluffing, so he didn't see Zea for 3 months.
Eventually, he finally agreed and he signed the visitation agreement to have Zea every 2nd weekend. He had the same agreement that Lucas had for Willow.