Sorry. There's been a fair bit going on
Chapter Text
I've always had a weird sense of determination. I have no idea where it came from. Same as justice too, but even with the things I've done.
I felt guilty all the time for just being alive. I was scared to tell anyone about the things I'd done because of the criticism or backlash.
Especially with my kids. I was terrified they'd be taken away and there had already been threats or warnings from different people that's what would happen if I asked for help.
By this time, I'd stopped being overly aggressively with disciplining the kids. At least, I think I did. I don't remember any more incidents while I was in that particular house.
After me and Dylan split up, Rob was living with me. I also became a heavy drinker.
I remember once I drank a few straight bottles of whisky, 3 bottles of cheap wine and at least 2 10pk of cans; Cougar and Jimmys or Jacks.
I wasn't even tipsy. I was so irritated that I couldn't get drunk that I stopped drinking for 2 or 3 months just so I could detox to be able to get drunk again.
I don't really remember much, timeline wise. I don't know what came first or who I met second.
Eventually, Billy and me ended up getting together. I don't remember exactly, but I think it was a loose relationship.
I would go up to see him, take the kids. He was living with his mum and his nan.
The kids slept in the spare room and when they were in bed, we would drink.
I met Billys friend, Dean when we were staying there once. Billy had to go get Dean.
Dean was very got with my kids and the kids loved him.
I remember once, we were all drinking and Dean wanted to cut out a lump on his back. We ended up doing that, and it worked. It didn't grow back, but there's a scar there now.
The only other things I remember is when Billy used to make comments about Willow; saying stuff along the lines of waiting until she turned 18. She was 3 or 4 at the time.
Another time, they were bickering about something and I walked on him saying: Go suck a dick.
I wanted to throw him into the fridge, but it was his grandmothers house. It was late at night so I put her to bed. The next morning, I told his Nan, and she said next he says it, to do it.
After that, I don't remember anything else until the night he decided to break up with me. I was at my house and he called.
His Nan posted on facebook about me forcing the relationship and then blocked me.
I started drinking more and I think that's when I met Libby. It's all a big blur or blank.
She started telling people that we were dating, but I found out that she would be sleeping with other people. Mostly men, and I never heard about her sleeping with another female.
I remember once Libby called me and told me to go talk to her female friend (I can't remember the woman's name), because the lady was having a breakdown or something. I had only met the woman once and she was on ice at the time (drugs). The woman was parked outside of the police station and I had to sit with her until Libby got there.
It was not a comfortable experience.
I had been seeing a guy named Tim before I met Libby. One day, she asked for us both to got see him. We did and I think it happened a couple of times.
After a while, Tim messaged me saying that Libby was trying to date him, but he didn't want too. I told him that she would say me and her were together, just to let him know.
I can't remember what happened after that, but someone from when I was a teenager, Matt, decided to start to come over.
Rob was still living with me, but he had started acting like it was his house. I ended up deciding to move and Matt helped me move into a house 30mins away, in Cororooke outside of Colac.
The house was out of town, 3 bedrooms and had a fireplace. My bedroom was in the backroom and the kids rooms were up at the front of the house.
Moving didn't really help me get away from people because they just followed me. At the house in Camperdown, a lot of people would come around and there'd be parties.
A few memories have popped up while thinking about this but only one is really relevant for later on. I met a guy named William Paatsch and I eventually let him come around. Before I moved, I invited to him to one of the parties and a female friend from school decided to try to sleep with Rob, and when that didn't work, she went to Patchy.
I don't speak to her anymore, but I kept talking to him for a while.
Anyway, Matt came around a lot, and the last time I remember seeing him, he was sitting on top of me on the bed with his hands around my throat. He was pushing down, but I just went limp. I didn't really feel anything, and I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe even though I obviously couldn't. I just stared at him and he stopped.
He made the comment: I wouldn't have stopped, but you kept staring at me which freaked me out.
I thought it was hilarious for the longest time until I mentioned it to a group of women I used to try and hang out with and they all looked at me like I was crazy. Made me feel like I couldn't say anything, so I shut up.
Libby would come around, as well as Patchy sometimes. They met and she pushed (apparently) him to start dating her.
I dropped it and just let them go ahead.
I think it was before that, that I went around to her place in Timboon a few times.
I remember once there was I think 3 or 4 of us. I drank a whole bottle of cheap red wine to myself within an hour. If I remember right, I was still messed about the whole Billy situation and Libby called or messaged him I think.
I had to get up early the next morning to pick my kids up from Leana, and I was hungover. I had to drive from Timboon to Camperdown, then from Camperdown to Cororooke.
I passed out on the couch at Leanas for an hour after I got there, then drove back to my place. I had to stop twice to throw up; I was also stuck in bed for a week. I think I got alcohol poisoning.
Another time, I was at Libbys house for her birthday I think and I had invited my friend, Sarah, but she had already made plans.
About 1am ish, she messaged or called me asking to be picked up, saying she been spiked. I said ok, just give me an hour to sober up a little bit. Warrnambool was about 30-40 minutes from Timboon and then it was about 40minutes to Cobden where she lived.
I went to go shower and as I was getting out, Libby came in and grabbed something out from under the sink. It was a crack pipe. The look on her face I could tell she realised, because I hate drugs.
Her friend, Ben, came with me so he could drive Sarahs car back to her place for her. On the way, we had a chat about it. He told me she got it from him and that he basically controlled what she took so she didn't hurt herself.
I didn't care; I hated it regardless.
We picked Sarah up and she rode with me while Ben drove her car back. Sarah offered for me to stay with her after I dropped Ben back off in Timboon.
So I drove him back, then (without going back inside Libbys house) turned around and went back to Sarahs.
In-between all that was normal life stuff too. Getting Willow to Kinder, then when she started school. Zea starting daycare. Trips to South Australia to visit the grandparents; drives to Camperdown to see Leana.
The kids were also still going to their dads every 2nd weekend.
Willow had started to more withdrawn and refused to go to her dads at times. One particular time, I had to physically pick her up off the couch to put her in the car to take her to him. She did not want to go.
I had to drive at least 30 minutes to drop her off. Sometimes on the way home from picking her up, she would sob in the backseat.
One time, we were on the way to Leanas and Willow was being chatty. All of a sudden, she just stopped talking and just become real quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said: I'll tell you later.
She was only about 3 or 4. It freaked me out how she said it.
One morning, after I picked Willow up from Lucas', I was helping get on the toilet, and she had a huge bruise on her backside. It went right across her entire butt, and halfway down one thigh.
I tried not to freak out when I asked her what happened. She turned around and looked at herself saying: oh, that's what happens when Daddy smacks me.
I asked her if I could take a photo, which she agreed, and I called Leana straight away saying: I'm going to send you a photo, and you tell me what this looks like.
When she got it, she said: That's a fucking handprint.
After that, everythings a blur. I called doctors, maternal child health nurses, lawyers, police...
I refused to send Willow back to her dads, and everyone agreed with me. That happened in late November (I think) of 2019.
After about 3 or 4 weeks, Willow must have realised she wasn't going back to her dads, and started telling me more things that he had done.
He had punished her for soiling herself by hitting her, sending her to the corner and making her sit on the toilet for at least half an hour at a time.
She told me that he once yelled at her to get outside like an animal if she's going to act like one.
She also told me about a time she was feeling sick and didn't want to eat the baked beans he gave her; he forced her anyway and she threw up everywhere. He put her in the shower and smacked her for it.
Willow had also mentioned, only once, that Lucas and girlfriend at the time would argue a lot. Willow mentioned she heard the girlfriend say: Your hands too big; apparently referencing when he smacked Willow and possibly their son as well.
If Willow ever said she wanted Mum (me), he would hit her too.
Lucas and Tiarn, his girlfriend, got married the month after I found out about all this stuff. I wasn't comfortable sending Willow, but I tried to make it exciting for her, saying she'd get to see her dad, which she did not want to do; so I started saying she'd get to see Tiarn and her brother Charlie. In the end, I had to tell her that Granny and Poppy (Lucas' parents) were picking her up. It was only then that she would get dressed and get ready.
Lucas didn't see Willow again until her 5th birthday. Since I hadn't heard anything, I had organized a birthday party for her. He demanded to see her on her birthday, even after I told him I made plans. I gave him the option to have her on the Sunday, since he would be at his auntys house with people around.
He flat out refused, even after I told him he'd only be able to have her 2 hours on her actual birthday, since we made plans. So he only saw her 2 hours on her 5th birthday.
Before all this, in 2017, my Uncle Craig died. He had been having seizures and not caring for himself after Mandy died.
He was a workaholic and an alcoholic, barely eating.
He had been in and out of hospital because he refused to stay there.
One day, he didn't turn up to work, so his boss went to check on him, and found him.
My grandparents had sold their property in St. Arnaud at the time and moved to Kingston SE, in South Australia.
All I remember is my grandmother calling me, screaming down the phone that Craigs dead. I had nightmares for weeks about that.
I must have become depressed, because I didn't get out of bed for a few days. All I remember about was just feeling like nothing.
Sarah ended contacting me saying that if I don't reply that she'd drive over to my place and if she finds me ok, she'll flip out.
It didn't snap me out of it exactly, but I can't remember how long I was exactly like that.
We went to the funeral/wake, and Rob came with me. We drove from Cororooke to St. Arnaud.
We met family members from Colleens side we never met before and saw others we hadn't seen for years, such as my sister, Teagan.
On the drive back to Winchelsea (to drop Willow off to Lucas), Rob was upset and drinking.
We were driving through Ballarat when we saw a bloke getting into his car. The car was close enough to the road where Rob hung out the window and yelled: BOO.
The guy jump so high and I couldn't help but laugh.
Just outside of Ballarat, I was doing the speed limit and there were double lines. (That means you're not allowed to over take anyone.) The guy behind us decided to overtake me anyway, but then lights flashed on from the car coming the other way.
The car instantly pulled to the side of the road, knowing he'd been caught. Rob again yelled out the window at them that they're idiots.
When we eventually got to Winch, it was dark. Lucas tried to tell me off for being late (even though he knew where we had come from), so Rob got out of the car to confront him.
I don't remember that part, Rob told me that.